"A Dog's Life": Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?" Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures." "A...
"Young At Heart": Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured." Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut." "Mama Loves Mambo": Alice: "You seem to have...
"Hello Mom": Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?" Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's...
"Ralph's Diet": (Ed is going to eat a banana.) Ralph: "Would you give me a bite of that banana?" (No response.) Ralph: "I said would you give me a bite of that...
"The Bensonhurst Bomber": (Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.) Harvey: "That is some punch you got there." Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad...
"Without Reservations": Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum." Alice: "What did you say?" Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum." ...
"Goodnight Sweet Prince": Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?" Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of...
"TV or Not TV": (Ralph is outside in the hall with the TV antenna.) Ralph (yells): "IS THE RECEPTION ON THE TV GOOD NOW?" (Ed looks.) Ed (yells): "THAT'S...
Welcome back Ceal.......I hope all is well. You gave us quite a scare. I thought you packed up and moved to Mexico...!! It's been so dry around here that I was...
"Two For The Money": Ralph: "All I could was scrape together $6." Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?" Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6?" "Two...
"Cottage For Sale Part 2": Trixie: "My Ed has got more brains in his little finger than Ralph has got in his whole head." Ralph: "He's still an idiot." "Funny...
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): (Ralph wants to talk to Ed's boss in the sewer.) Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that is going...
"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down." Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is...
"TV or Not TV": Ed: "We flipped a coin to see who would get the TV set. Ralph said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost." Ralph (to...
(AmericanLife TV): All episodes are one hour long. Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as...
"Alice & The Blonde": Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know,...
"Vacation At Fred's Landing": Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black...
"A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Ralph: "He's (Ed's) my guest and I'm your employer." Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP." "A Dog's...
"Here Comes The Bride": Alice: "Ralph, how could you talk like that. Agnes had plenty of chances. Stanley wasn't the only one who wanted her to get married. ...
"A Weighty Problem Part 1": Ralph: "Now describe my build to me." Ed: "Well, if I have to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed...
Just popping in to say "hey there!". Happy Father's Day to all fathers! I hope everyone had a great weekend. I spent mine shopping around for a Prom dress (not...
haha I new you'd show up headaches and you go together!! LOLOL TQ did you get my e-mail?? will you respond while I'm still young? LOLOL [Non-text portions of...
"Lunchbox": (Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.) Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?" Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your...
"Alice & The Blonde": Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know,...
"Checkup": Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside to see what was in there?" Ralph: "Yes, your head." "Songwriters": Ralph: "We need a piano...
"Stars Over Flatbush": Ralph: "Mr. Marshall, can I have a raise?" Mr. Marshall: "No." Ralph: "But, it's 11:30p." Mr. Marshall: "I don't care if it's 2:07." ...
"Expectant Father": (Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.) Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?" Ralph:...
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