"TV or Not TV": Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost." Ralph (to...
"Out of Sight, Out of Mind": Ed: "You can't put a square box in a round hole." Ralph: "No? Then how did you get your head in your hat?" "Songwriters": Ralph...
"The Man From Space": Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side." Ed: "When you go down a street, there AIN'T no other side." "Better...
"Peacemaker": Ralph: "You know it takes me one hour to get to sleep when I put my head down on the pillow." Alice: "Remarkable. Everynight you snore for 59...
"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Ralph: "Norton, you play gin rummy your way and I'll play gin rummy my way. My way is the scientific way -...
"Vacation At Fred's Landing": Ralph: "Well pal, I see that you are dressed for the vacation." Ed: "What do you mean? I just got finished working in the sewer."...
"Alice & The Blonde": Trixie: "On the bus, there was two empty seats. Who takes those two empty seats?" Alice: "Ralph." "Alice & The Blonde": Ralph: "It just...
"Cottage For Sale Part 1": (The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.) "Mr. Mosby":...
"The Deciding Vote": Ed: "I would have to say that after listening to that motor there that the amateur sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes...
"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1": (Ed is behind Ralph.) Ralph (to Alice): "Napolean had Josephine behind him. Who do I have behind me?" (yells): "DON'T YOU...
"The Safety Award": Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands...
(AmericanLife TV): TV-G All times are Eastern. Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie...
Hello All, I have a book called "The One Show. Advertising's Best Print, Radio, TV. Vol.8". that I found at the Salvation Army. As I looked through it I...
"Move Uptown": Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor." Trixie: "I don't know." (Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!) (Ed comes out with a lot of...
Note: Once again, I will be going to Florida from April 24-May 1st. So, my quote posting during those days may be limited or there will be none. All from "The...
"Funny Money": Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far." Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer." "Ralph's Diet": ...
"Funny Money": Ralph: "This is my house and you are to address me in a civil tongue." Alice's Mom: "Oh why don't you shut up?" "Funny Money": Ralph: "One of...
"Brother Ralph": Ralph: "In the bottom drawer, there's only one pair of my pants. Why is only one pair of my pants in the bottom drawer?" Alice: "Because that...
"Without Reservations": Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing." Alice: "Big deal. You're the boss over nothing." "Kramden Vs. Norton": (Alice accidently throws...
"TV or Not TV": Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'" Alice: "I am still willing. I think it would be an improvement." ...
"Principle of The Thing": Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land." Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You are the fat of the land." "Nephew of...
"The Loudspeaker": Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted ...
"TV or Not TV": (Ralph is outside in the hall with the TV antenna.) Ralph (yells): "IS THE RECEPTION ON THE TV GOOD NOW?" (Ed looks.) Ed (yells): "THAT'S...
Ralph Kramden, a NJ Nets fan (Part 1) (The Miami Heat beat the NJ Nets 116-98). Note: I am able to post quotes while in Florida, so... "Better Living Through...
(The boys return back to the hotel room.) Trixie: "Ed was the game at the bar really well?" Ed: "It was a dark, dark day." Ralph: "You can say that again. The...
More quotes from Florida. "Man From Space": Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments." Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every...
"Alice & The Blonde": Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I...
Note: In my last skit, I made a mistake. The Miami Heat beat the NJ Nets 104-87. I hope I didn't make myself look foolish. (Ralph just watched the game on TV...
"Dial J For Janitor": Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face." Ed: "Just get me water. I know how to wash." "Head of The House": ...
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