"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't just ask the rent commission for me to raise the rent.
I had to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope
to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has
spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says
that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you
think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"King of The Castle":

(Trixie kicked Ed out.)

Ralph: "I don't know what went wrong. I told you to say to her that you are the
king of your castle."

Ed: "I knew my part. Trixie didn't know hers."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't
do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool
room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

(The Kramdens & Nortons have arrived at Alice's Mother's house. Ralph looks like
he is upset.)

Alice's Mother: "Happy Thanksgiving Alice! This is one dinner you will be
thankful that you have enough to eat."

(Ralph groans.)

Alice's Dad: "The Nortons & Ralph, Happy Thanksgiving."

Ed: "Happy Turkey Day to you. Ha ha ha. I am very thankful to be here. So is
Ralph."

(Ralph groans.)

Ed: "Yeah, that boy is bursting with joy that we are here."

Alice's Mom: "Let's go inside."

Ralph (whispers): "Alice, we are leaving immediately after dinner. I don't want
to be spending anymore time with that loudmouth mother of yours."

Alice: "Ralph, not here."

(They all go inside.)

(The boys are watching the Jets game on TV.)

Alice's Mom: "Oh, you guys are interested in football. I am thankful that those
Pats beat the Jets last Sunday."

(Ralph groans.)

Ralph (whiispers): "Ooooh, just one swing."

Ed: "Keep it cool Ralph. You will love the dinner that they have planned. Big
turkey with all the trimmings."

Ralph: "Good."

Ed: "Alice's mother just said to Alice: 'I wonder if we are going to eat
anything with Ralph here."

(Ralph has a mean look on his face.)

(Time for dinner.)

Ralph: "Folks, I would just like to say a few things. I am thankful that I have
now calmed down and have grown to accept all the fat jokes that were said about
me. Ed talked me into it. Ha ha ha. I am also thankful that I am married to
Alice."

Alice: "Ooooh Ralph, I am thankful to be married to you too."

(Ed gets up and loudly clears his throat just like in the Color Honeymooners.)

Ed: "I am thankful that this is my second turkey dinner. I had one at my job
yesterday but the tide came in."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ed: "I am thankful to be married to Trixie."

Trixie: "I am thankful to be married to you too."

Ed: "We are also thankful that we are friends including Ralph. Ralph is a sweet
kid."

Alice's Mom: "Me and Mr. Gibson are thankful to be married to each other."

Ralph: "I am also thankful to be an American who is living in the land of the
free and thankful that we have people fighting for our freedom as well as the
fact that I am going to that action city, Miami Beach soon."

(Audience cheers.)

(They all eat their dinner.)

(Audience cheers as Jackie Gleason walks out.)

Jackie: "Thank you. All the rest of the cast here are thankful that we got men
fighting overseas for us and that we get to perform in front of the greatest
audiences in the world, the Miamie Beach audeinces. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey, get a load of fatso there.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND." (normally): "Would
you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

(Ralph is collecting money from all the bus drivers to get the boss' daughter a
wedding present which will give all the bus drivers a raise and it will get
Ralph on the boss' good side.)

Man: "Thank you for being the instigator in getting us a raise. Someday, you
will be known as the John L. Lewis of the bus drivers."

(He leaves.)

Ralph: "I like to remove his nose."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency
system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty
it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip
there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a
much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

(A pause.)

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be
out getting repaired."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't
introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

Note: Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I decided to repost these reviews.

Episode #161
TV: Hour (edited).
DVD: Attached to "You're In The Picture", "Petticoat Jungle" & the Great Gleason
(bonus feature).

As the Berlin Express arrives in Germany, a bunch of "Germans" (aka June Taylor
Dancers) sing: "Berlin Express Is At The Station Now." A marching band comes out
and plays music as the dancers sing. The Kramdens & Nortons arrive in Germany.
Ed is carrying all the luggage off the train because Ralph claims that he
strained his back. He strained his back while putting the luggage in Ed's hands.
Ha! Alice asked him why didn't he get a porter to carry the luggage. He said
that he didn't want a porter to take advantage of them. Ed: "I don't need one to
take advantage of me. I got you to take advantage of me." They wait for the
Flakey-Wakey people. They want their picture taken, so Ed asks a German person.
Ed: "Hey Schweinehund" Ralph corrects him. Ralph: "It's Herr Schweinehund."
Alice says to greet someone in German, you say: "Mein herr." Ralph tries to ask
a German man. The man reveals his bald head and so Ralph says to never mind. Ha!
Ed has an idea on how to get a picture of the four of us without having to ask a
stranger. Pictures will be taken with two different people and at the end, the
pictures will be glued together like a collage. Ralph doesn't like it. He says
that it is the most ridiculous story that he ever heard. Ed says: "What about
the idea of a grown man dressing up as a cat on Halloween." Ralph: "When did I
do that?" Ed: "I did." Mr. Steinhart, The Flakey-Wakey man comes and addresses
himself as the German representative. He was late. He came from the frontier. He
says that in Germany, there's the Western zone & Eastern zone. You can not go
into the Eastern zone unless you have the proper credentials. Of course, since
the fall of the U.S.S.R., I believe that Germany is no longer divided, but I
could be wrong. He says that the Eastern zone is dangerous. Ralph wants to go to
a restaurant and sink his teeth into a German rathskeller. He is later informed
that a rathskeller is a restaurant. The man says that for doing something
different that most Americans don't do is to take a hike in a German forest. The
man: "The German forest has the most beautiful scenery in the WORLD." Ralph
likes the idea, but he is alone. Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live
like a native." Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native." Ed wants to go
sightseeing with the girls. Ralph orders to come with him. Wow, what a friend he
is. A marching band comes. Ralph grabs the drum and sings a German song.
Everyone grabs an instrument and joins Ralph in song Ed gets a horn and scares
Ralph when he plays it. Ha!

At a top of a mountain, two Russian people set up a marker and sign that said:
"Zutritt Nicht Erlabut 3anpethar 3oha." That sign means that this is a Russian
firing area. You can tell that the background in this scene is fake. They leave.
Ralph arrives, dropping paper so it will make it easier for him to remember the
way back. He looks ridiculous. Ralph: "This will look like a great place for a
picnic." Ed comes behind and picks up the trash. Ralph yells at him because he
put the trash there so he will remember the way back. Ralph: "We are probably
lost." Ed brings up a map. He says that he was a Naval Intelligence during the
last war. He could have been drafted to Army Intelligence if didn't have a
choice. The marines wanted him but he couldn't spell Montezuma (sp?). He gets
out his map and says that he knows where they are; right smack in the middle of
the North, South, East & West. He says that they are in another county. The
county's name on the map: Verboten. They say that it is like Flushing. Ralph
talks about how nice it is up here. They sit down. Ed asks what the sign says.
Ralph says that it says: "No smoking." I would ask questions like why a "No
smoking" sign would be in the middle of nowhere. as well as how could Ralph say
that that sign says "No Smoking" on a sign that has five Russian words. Ed likes
hitchhiking Ralph. Ralph says that that marker is there to tell people that this
is picnic area. Ed says that Ralph is a walking encyclopedia. Ed tells that
Ralph brought some things from Flakey-Wakey boxes back home like a map to tell
you where Captain Kidd's treasure is and a Orphan Annie code ring etc. Ed gets
Ralph a can opener so he can eat soup. Both of them sing a song about how quiet
and peaceful it is up there and they lie on the ground while singing. They get
up. Ed smokes a cigarette. Ralph says that they can't, but allows it since no
one is around. A firing shot is heard. Ed: "When they mean 'No smoking', they
mean it." Ralph: "That was just a sonic boom." More firing shots and explosions
are heard and seen. Ralph & Ed duck and cover. The Russians get them and take
them back into their headquarters in Russia.

At the Russian headquarters, Ralph & Ed are detained. They are told that they
are going to be interrogated. Ed says he will bring this story up in the next
meeting of the International Headquarters of the Friendly Raccoons." Ralph: "The
Raccoons have no more relations with Russia. Right after our Superior Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler got thrown out of the tea room because he was drunk." Ed:
"I hope they don't brainwash us. I would hate to come out of this thing stupid."
The interrogator comes. Interrogator: "You two are the two American spies."
Ralph says that they are not. Interrogator: "What were you two doing in the
Russian firing range?" Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the
Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social
security number." Ralph tells him the truth but the interrogator doesn't believe
him. Interrogator, grabbing Ed's map, asks what are they doing with this map of
Russian gunning placements. Ralph says it isn't and him & Ed try to tell him the
truth. It doesn't work. The Interrogator gets out the ring. Ed says he uses it
to decipher codes. Boy oh boy! Ralph yells at Ed to tell him what the code is.
The code: "My name is Ed Norton. I live at 328 Chauncey Street and my zip code
is 10059." The interrogator asks them to confess or they would be transferred to
Moscow. The interrogator threatens to torture them. They will put bamboo shoots
underneath their finger nails and light them with a match and force your friend
to sit down and watch. The interrogator gives them more time and asks the guard
to guard them. Ed has a plan. He will trick them into thinking that he is
talking into a radio that is in his fountain pen and when the guard comes to see
what the matter is, he will shoot the ink in his eyes and escapes. The plan
works until Ed realizes that he was using a ballpoint pen. Ha! Ralph has a plan.
He gets up and asks if the guard ever saw that 60's TV show that starred Bill
Cosby. The guy says no. Ralph beats him up and he is dragged into a closet.
Ralph & Ed grab uniforms so they will look like Russians. While this is
happening, a Russian person brings in an important man from Moscow and his
friend. They leave. Ralph & Ed come out dressed just like the important man and
his friend .The plan works until one of the Russian guards sees them and assumes
that he is officer Koslov and officer Belinski (the names of the important man
from Moscow and his friend.) They say that Russians are planning a banquet in
his honor tonight. He offers to drive them to it. "Koslov" tries to decline so
he and Norton can escape but Norton, being stupid, says he wants to be driven to
the banquet.

At the banquet, Russian dancers (June Taylor dancers) & male dancers are dancing
in front of "Koslov" & "Belinski." "Belinski" says he wants to go home and beat
the traffic since it's Thanksgiving weekend. Ha! Russian: "Thanksgiving?" Ralph
says that it is a new holiday in Moscow and the Russian believes him. That
Russian must be stupid for him to believe that. They will celebrate Thanksgiving
here. The Russian talks to "Koslov" and remembers his childhood with him. He
asks what was the nickname that he used to call him. "Belinski" says it was
"fatso." Russian: "That's right." They try to leave. Russian: "First you will
honor us with a speech." "Koslov" (with a sudden raspy voice): "I would like to
make a speech but I got a sore throat." A sore throat that he didn't have five
seconds ago. "Koslov" says that "Belinski" also can't make a speech because of
his sore throat. "Belinski": "My throat is fine. I will make a speech." He does.
"Belinski": "Fellow Raccoons, I mean fellow Russians..." He mentions Governor
Ronald Reagan. He talks about the problem with the Chinese is that everyone is
ordering from Column A and no one is ordering from Column B. Ha! He ends his
speech. The Russian asks to do his kazatski dance. He declines. They try to
leave, but they run into the real Belinski and Koslov. Ralph & Ed's reaction,
they run through the "glass" windows.

The Kramdens & Nortons are scheduled to leave Berlin at 2:30pm. At the train
station the next day, the boys run into the girls and explain the whole
situation of where they were and why are they are wearing Russian uniforms. The
girls don't believe them even when Ralph says: "Where do you think I got this
uniform from" Alice (reading the label): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'" Ralph & Ed see
the two people that captured them and asked them what they are doing. They are
going on a train to Moscow to celebrate Thanksgiving. Ralph: "I must have done
something special for international relations." All of them leave in Berlin,
Germany. I hate it when episodes of TV shows end with husbands tell the wives
the truth and the wives don't believe them. On a side note, what happened to Ed
Norton's kit?

During the curtain call, Jackie just says good night to everyone. That's it. I
guess they ran into a time problem.

Episode #136
TV: Attached to "Anniversary Gift."
VCR: Attached to "New Year's Eve Party."
DVD: Attached to "New Year's Eve Party" & "My Man Norton."

Alice is cleaning the fire escape when the mop part of the mop falls and it
lands on Ralph's head. Ralph (sarcastically): "This is one of those New Italian
haircuts." Ralph says to Alice that he is going bowling so make dinner fast. A
man comes by with a telegram. Ralph accepts the telegram. The man expects a tip.
Ralph gives him a dime. Ralph (to the man): "I'm doing my job to hold down
inflation now get out of here." Ralph reads the telegram. Ralph (excitedly,
yells): "OH BABY! OH BABY!" He tells Alice of all the times that Alice said that
Ralph was stupid for taking chances to win some things when the odds were low.
Hey, I would do the same thing. Ralph explained that he won a contest from the
Theresa Grata Service League and the grand prize is a 1957 4 door Sedan Deluxe.
According to the telegram, the prize will arrive tonight along with a person
from the league. He says that since they have a car, he will no longer have to
borrow Cassidy's car. Ralph: "Now, I don't even have to talk to that bum
Cassidy." Ralph is sure being ungrateful. Ralph promises to take Alice for a
spin in the car. Ralph then explains that he got a ticket that gave him the one
and a million chance of winning the grand prize by walking out a bowling alley
with Norton. The sign for the contest said something like: "Give to charity and
have a chance to win a prize." A ticket costs 50 cents. All he had was a quarter
so he asks Norton for a quarter. Alice says that since Ralph did that, Norton
owns half the car. Ralph goes into the bedroom.

Ralph (coming out, yells): "HE OWNS HALF THE CAR?" Ralph is upset. Alice asks
him to bring Norton down. Ralph doesn't want to do so tonight. Ralph: "Just one
night without that nut (Ed)." Alice is not hearing anything of it. She asks him
to call Ed down. Ralph calls Ed down. Ralph tries to cheat Norton by offering to
pay back the twenty-five cents after explaining that he has a guilty conscience
by asks him for a quarter that other night that would have given him enough
money so he could get a ticket that will guarantee a one and a million chance to
win a car. Ed: "We won the car! We won the car! We won the car!" Ralph (to
Alice): "Are you satisfied? I told him." Ralph then makes plans for him and
Alice to use the car on Sunday just so they can see Alice's mom. Ed: "I have
plans to use the car on Sunday. I want to drive to Maryland. The Aberdeen
Proving Grounds is doing a test on dum-dum bullets." Ralph: "You can forget the
dum-dum bullets dum-dum." Ralph & Ed then make an agreement for each of them to
have the cars some days. Ralph offers the car for five days to Ed. Those days
are Mon-Fri. Ed doesn't like that so he wants the other two days. Ralph: "Fine!
Your two days are Wednesday and Thursday." Alice: "Ralph!" Ed: "Leave him alone
Alice. I got my two days." Boy, is Ed dumb. Alice says that this car thing needs
to be settled equally. Ralph: "What do you want me to do, cut the car in half?"
Ed: "That's good. One of us will take the back seat and one of us will take the
front seat." Ralph offers to take the front seat. Ed: "That's where the engine
is and if the engine needs any repair, you are to take care of it." Ralph now
exchanges the front seat with the back seat. Ed: "That's where the gas tank is
so if the car needs any gas, you will take care of it." Ralph: "I don't care."

Alice reminds Ralph that that man from the Theresa Grata Service League should
arrive here in a few minutes and he has to have his ticket ready for him. He
goes to get it and comes back with a box full of contest tickets. Ed spots a
ticket for an old contest in which the grand prize was a 1932 Essex. Ed reads
the name of the charity that gave Ralph the ticket: "The League to add chlorine
to the Passaic River." Ralph gets the Theresa Grata Service League ticket out.
Ed: "No wonder we won. The ticket has my lucky number. 26409333206988764322."
Quite possibly, that would be the world's largest lucky number EVER for a
person. The man from the Theresa Grata Service league comes with the prize...a
turkey. Man: "You didn't win first prize (the car), you won 26th prize. Good
night and happy Thanksgiving to you folks." This episode was shown on the
Saturday before the 1956 Thanksgiving. Ed laughs at the turkey. Ralph: "What's
so funny?" Ed: "You wanted the back half." Ralph kicks Ed out. Alice: "You sure
got yours Ralph." Ralph (to the turkey): "I got mine. Come Thursday, you get
yours."

Episode #114 (Syndicated episode #23)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "The Babysitter."
DVD: Attached to episodes #17 - #24 of the classic 39.

A few years ago, TV Land did a Thanksgiving marathon and they chose this episode
to be a part of it. I am not sure this would qualify as a Thanksgiving episode
since it aired AFTER Thanksgiving and there is no mention of the holiday, so...

Ralph overhears that a new neighbor has moved into the building. He has gray
hair and is unmarried. Alice asks Ralph to deliver him some of the food that she
made for him. Alice goes up with a basket to get the laundry. Ralph agrees and
when Norton comes down, he hears about the unmarried old man that moved in next
door. Ralph: "We should go over to his place and play games with him." Suddenly,
the unmarried old man comes in and he doesn't look like he's as old as Ralph and
Ed thought. The studio audience applauds because the actor that played him is
named Charles Korvin. He says that is the guy who moved in next door. Ed: "He
looks pretty well-preserved." His name is Carlos Sanchez and he needs to borrow
a hammer. He also has a Latin accent. Carlos talks about how he met their wives.
Carlos: "You must be Trixie's husband." Ed: "Yeah, I am and you better get to
know her and me pretty good because we might be moving tomorrow." Carlos:
"Trixie never said." Ed: "She doesn't know it yet." The boys are acting jealous.
Ralph and Ed discuss their jobs and the fact they work during the day. Carlos:
"I'm a dancer. I work nights. So, I will be here all day." D'oh! Not something
they wanted to hear. Alice asks Ralph to open the door. She's back with the
laundry. Carlos offers to help Alice with the load. Alice: "Thank you Mr.
Sanchez. I wish that there were more gentlemen around here (referring to Ralph &
Ed.)" Ralph: "Wait a minute. How many times have I asked you not to take down a
laundry basket that full? Next time, make two trips." Gee, that helps...NOT! If
I had to get the laundry, I would try to take it all in one trip. Carlos asks
Alice to start calling him Carlos. Ralph gives Carlos the hammer. Ralph: "If you
don't mind, hasta-la-vista!" Carlos leaves. Alice: "Carlos is such a gentlemen."
Ralph and Ed are mad. Ed says he will give Carlos Trixie's potato salad. Ed:
"Before I had Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable. So, this will fix
his wagon." Gee, in "Peacemaker", Ed says that he loves Trixie's cooking. Ed:
"Listen Ralph, as long as were neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call
me Edwardo." Ralph kicks him out. I can just picture Ralph yelling out the
window: "EDWARDO! EDWARDO!"

The next day, while Ralph is at work, Carlos is busy teaching all the girls how
to do the mambo. The record player is playing the record. I like the girls
dancing. Mrs. Manicotti: "Carlos, do I have the hip movement?" She wiggles her
hips. Carlos: "You do Mrs. Manicotti." Carlos puts on another record. They dance
again. Ralph comes home, acknowledges everyone and then notices that Carlos is
teaching them how to dance. Ralph (yells): "HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A
MINUTE!" Ralph stops the record. Ralph: "Ooooooooooh Carlos was teaching you how
to do the mambo. That puts a different light on things. For a minute there, I
didn't know what you were doing. Now, I know that you girls were doing the mambo
that makes a world of difference...." (yells): "EVERYBODY OUT!" Yeah, Ralph
didn't embarrass anybody AT ALL. Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, its fun."
Ralph: "And you, at your age, should be ashamed of yourself." Alice calls it a
day. Ralph (to Carlos): "As for you Rudy Valentino, out!" Alice is upset at
Ralph. Ralph: "I come home after a hard day's work and you going like this."
(Ralph wiggles his hips. Girls in the audience scream.) Ralph: "You want to
wiggle? Wiggle over to the stove and get my supper." Ed comes down all steamed
at Carlos too. Ralph & Alice continue their fight. Ralph says that Carlos is a
troublemaker. Wow, he thinks that Carlos is a troublemaker? Alice: "Carlos
teaches us like women. You have seem to forgotten that I'm a woman." Ralph: "How
could I? You're always yappin'." Alice: "You wouldn't even think of tipping your
hat." Ralph does that and orders Alice to make him dinner. Alice goes into the
bedroom. Mr. Manicotti walks in. It's revealed that his first name is Bill.
Bill: "That wife is driving me crazy. All she thinks about is mambo." He says
that when she dances the mambo, she knocks off all the dishes on the table
because of her size. Carlos walks in to take back his record player. Ralph and
Ed voice their frustrations. Ralph: "You must have some nerve." The boys say
that with Carlos' behavior, their lives are more miserable. Carlos says he will
not be a pain anymore and asks if the girls want them to do simple gentlemanly
things, why do they not do it. Ralph: "Because it's too much trouble." Carlos
says that he thinks all wives are worth going through trouble for and if he was
married, he will do gentlemanly things for her." Ralph feels remorseful. Ralph
says that him, Ed & Bill have been taking their wives for granted and says that
maybe we should talk to more unmarried people. Ralph: "Carlos, one thing. Could
you teach me to mambo?" Carlos obliges and asks everybody to follow his lead.
Ralph does, but then makes up several dance moves on the fly, thus making for
one funny scene. One of my favorite scenes in this episode. This scene would be
repeated on CNN'S Larry King Live special about The Honeymooners in 2002.

Sunday morning, Ralph is acting all gentlemanly, much to Alice's chagrin. Ralph:
"We don't have to be at church until 11." He insists that Alice stay in bed and
he will make her breakfast in bed, but he keeps asking Alice where some things
to make the breakfast are. Alice ends up walking back and forth several times.
Couldn't she just yell at him where they were? Alice says that she wants to have
breakfast out in the kitchen. Ralph says that he will make the beds but asks
where the sheets are. Alice shows him where they are. Trixie comes down all
upset that Ed has been acting gentlemanly. Ed comes down all upset that he
couldn't open the door for her, so they do it again. Alice greets them. Ed:
"Mambo anyone?" Ed joins Ralph in the bedroom to join him in the manly errand of
making the beds. He dances his way to the bedroom. The girls admitted that they
asked for them to be gentlemen, and they boys are doing it. Trixie says that at
3am, Ed wanted to get something to drink, so he woke her up, just so he can tip
his hat before he left the room. Sounds like he's trying too hard. The guys come
out and Ralph serves the girls his sorry excuse for oatmeal. Gee, I wonder if
Quaker Oats heard of this part of the episode. Ed admits that the oatmeal is
awful looking and the girls agree. The girls ask for the boys to go back to the
way they were and that they were the ones who were in the wrong. Alice: "I found
out that I've been a pretty lucky girl. I married a man who's crazy about me."
The boys go back to the way they were much to the girls delight. Ralph even says
(yells): "LISTEN TO THIS! GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD ALICE. I'M THE KING HERE.
REMEMBER THAT! THIS HOUSE IS MY CASTLE. I'M THE KING. REMEMBER THAT! KING! KING!
KING! YOU ARE NOTHING, A PHEASANT. THIS IS MY HOUSE. MY CASTLE. I'M THE KING."
Alice laughs and Ralph is happy.

Episode #15
TV: Attached to "Goodnight Sweet Prince."
VCR: Attached to "Cottage For Sale."
DVD: Attached to "Hot Dog Stand", "Alice Plays Cupid" and "Cottage For Sale."

The episode opens up with Ralph seeing how many jellybeans he can put into the
can jar. Alice comes home after visiting her ill mother. She says that she wants
to buy a dress that is on sale. Alice eventually notices that Ralph hasn't said
hello to her and is still counting. Alice asks him what he is doing. Ralph
responds by saying that on his way home, he stopped by a store and in the store
they had a contest in which you had to guess how many jellybeans are in the jar.
He got an idea. He got a jar that looks like the one the store had and bought
some jellybeans. I don't know what the name of the store is. He figures that
without guessing on his part, he will win the prize which he thinks is $100.
Alice says that Ralph's head is full of jellybeans.

Alice says to Ralph to come with her so she can buy the dress. Alice: "Come on!
Hurry up! The sale ends tonight." Ralph: "So does the contest. I am not leaving
until I finish counting." Alice says that the first night of the sale, she
couldn't go because Ralph was tired and on the second night, she couldn't go
because Ralph had to go bowling. Question: Why does Alice need Ralph to get the
dress? Is it because she thinks it isn't safe for her to be walking down the
street with a dress all by herself? Just a thought.

Ralph makes a mistake in counting. He says: "4,442" so Alice corrects him by
saying that there is no 4,443 jellybeans in the jar. Ralph: "Why are you getting
me all mixed up for? Now, I have to start all over again." I am not to sure if
her correction was correct.

Ed Norton comes in wearing his traditional Ed Norton outfit, but only this time
he's wearing a white tank top rather than a white t-shirt. Ralph is still
counting, but he forgot how many jellybeans are in the jar, so he asks Alice who
says: "3,478." Forget about the fact that she said that there was more than
4,000 jellybeans in the jar a few seconds ago. Ralph is worried that he will
forget, so he tries to write the number down. As he does this, Ed decides to eat
some of the jellybeans in the jar. Ralph: "Why did you eat those jellybeans
for?" Ed: "What is the matter? What are they, poisoned?" Ralph: "No, they are
counted."

Ralph says to Ed that he is in a contest and explains the rules of the contest
to Ed. Ed says that all those contests are crooked. Ed: "I was in a contest
once. You had to name all the states. I got gypped out of the first prize. I
named 66 states. The guy that won only named 48." This was before the U.S. had
50 states. Question: Where did Ed get all the other states from, Canada, other
countries? Ralph says that Ed is a mental case.

Ralph says that he is finished counting. So he asks Ed is he can use his phone
that is in the kitchen. Ed says that Trixie is dressing in there because there
is no window shade in the bedroom. Ralph: "Could you call the people at the
store and tell them that the number of jellybeans is 4,450." Ed: "4,000 what?"
Ralph: "4,550." That is not a typo folks. Ralph once again got the number wrong.
Question: Doesn't Ralph know that if Ed called with the right answer, that the
people at the store will assume that Ed is the winner? Just a thought. Ed
leaves.

Ralph says that he is finished counting. Alice says that she has had one dress
in the last five years. Ralph says that she has had a blue, pink, brown, and a
green dress. Alice: "Yup, this is it and I have run out of dye."

Ed comes back with the great news that Ralph has won the contest. Ed says that
the first prize isn't $100. Ed says that it's a gift certificate meaning that if
you buy a $1,000 worth of furniture at that store, you get a $100 worth free.
Ralph: "What kind of prize is that? Ed: "It's not a total loss. You can stick
this jar of jellybeans in the window and win your own contest." Question: How is
that idea supposed to win Ralph money? Ed leaves.

Alice notices that the $10 that she was going to use ofr the dress is gone. (The
dress was $10 on sale.) Ralph says that he bought the jellybeans wiht the money.
Ralph says with the $100 that he was planning to win, one of the things he was
going to buy her was a new Thanksgiving outfit. (This episode was shown just
before Thanksgiving in 1952.) Ralph says he is sorry. Alice forgives him. Alice:
"Ralph, I got you and that's plenty to be thankful for." Ralph: "You're the
greatest."


Episode #9
TV: Not shown on TV.
DVD: Hasn't been released.

For the longest time, I (and some other people) always assumed this episode was
an earlier version of "Two-Family Car." It isn't. Some time ago, the script for
this episode was posted on ebay. I never saw this episode, but here's a summary
of it:

Alice misplaces her wedding ring. She has bought a Turkey that someone won in a
raffle. Ralph comes home and she tells him about the misplaced and/or lost
wedding ring and he 'assumes' the turkey ate the ring. The skit gets more and
more hysterical from that point on as Ralph comes up with every possible way to
get the ring he 'thinks' the turkey ate and Norton drops by only to make matters
even more ritious then they already are with his insane idea's about how to get
the ring out of the turkey. The man who won the turkey is about to show up to
get it, and Ralph sends Norton to go buy another turkey so he doesn't have to
give the guy the turkey he thinks the ring is in. However, the turkey's are
identical and Norton sets down the second turkey next to the first one and now
they can't remember which turkey is the original and which is the one Norton
just purchaed. These are 'live' turkey's so that makes things even ten time
funnier and gets totally out of control when the winner comes and insists on
getting his turkey and say's it doesn't matter which one.. that he'll just take
either of the two.


Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot & sitcomsonline.com

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little'
Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind.
Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to
do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we
will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were
shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My
parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered
dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget
this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you
young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play
house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House:
H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost.
For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost.
And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on
April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that
has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she
hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But,
all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went
to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school
and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things
worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a
bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for
nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT
OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think
about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time.
You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the
storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the
chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think
about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time.
You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the
storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Episode #112 (Syndicated episode #11)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove.")
DVD: Attached to episodes #16 - #24 of the classic 39.

WPIX Program Director Julie O'Neil found the original master film of the 1970
fireplace of the Yule Log special in WPIX's film archives in Fort Lee, New
Jersey. The master film was misfiled in a Honeymooners film can marked with the
episode title "A Dog's Life," which led to the title of a 2006 40th anniversary
special about the Log called A Log's Life.

Alice wants to have a young puppy but she knows that Ralph won't allow it. That
doesn't stop her though. She gets dog food for the dog. Ralph comes home and
says he has another emergency lodge meeting tonight. Alice: "Do you realize that
the Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?" Ralph: "It turns out
that we have more emergencies than the U.N." Sure. Ed comes in and says that
they have another emergency meeting tonight. Alice: "I'm beginning to think that
all those emergency meetings are nothing more than a poker game." Ed disagrees.
Ed: "An executive meeting, that's a poker game." Gee, what executive meetings
huh? Alice leaves, while Ed eats the bowl of dog food that is on the table. Ed
doesn't notice that it is dog food. Ralph comes out and says something about his
weight. Ralph: "Have you seen me when I weighed 165?" Ed: "No, Ralph I never did
see your baby pictures." Ha! Ed raves more and more about the food and lets
Ralph taste it. Ed says that Alice cooked it and everything Trixie makes comes
out of a can. Ralph is convinced that he has found his latest million dollar
idea. Uh oh! He will market that food in cans and he will get his boss to help
him sell it. Ralph and Ed think of the name. It's called: Kran-Mar's Delicious
Mystery Appetizer. Ed thinks that this idea will take the cake. Ralph: "It just
goes to show what I have always said: ' Every dog has his day!'"

At the office, Ralph tells his boss, Mr. Marshall, that in his lunch box, he has
a million dollars. Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."
Ha! Ralph brings out the food. Ralph: "This food will go great with O' Doofers
(Hor D' Ourves mispronounced.) Mr. Marshall: "Hor D' Ourves!" Ralph: "They will
go great with that too." Mr. Marshall tries it and likes it. He brings out his
co-workers. One of them says: "There's something about the aroma that I
recognize." Uh oh! Man: "Hey, this is dog food." Ha ha ha. Ralph says that he is
nuts so they bring in Charlie (he raises dogs.) Charlie agrees. Ralph faints.

At home, Alice is holding the puppy that she just got. The puppy is cute. Trixie
adores the puppy to (which is a he.) Trixie says that she would get a puppy just
like him, if it wasn't for the fact that Ed is allergic to dogs. Wait a minute.
In the episode titled: "The Sleepwalker", didn't Ed get a dog? He wasn't
allergic to them then so why is he allergic to them now considering that that
episode was shown three months ago? Trixie leaves as Alice puts the puppy in his
box in the bedroom. Ed comes in and when he starts sneezing, Alice says that she
just got a dog and she doesn't want Ralph to know now. Ed says that despite the
allergy, he will hold the dog for a while before he gets dinner in his box. Ed:
"Food in bed huh? Boy, talk about a dog's life." Alice leaves. Ed puts the food
in the puppy's box but of course, Ed gets some of the food too. Ralph comes home
in a rage and explains what happened to him at the office. Ralph: "How would you
like it if you gave your boss dog food to eat?" Ed: "Terrible, unless he was a
cocker spaniel." Ralph: "It was a miracle I wasn't fired." Ralph thinks that it
was Alice's mother's fault for all of this but then realizes that Alice has a
dog. Ralph: "That mutt is leaving." Ralph says that Alice can't have a dog
because of the fact that Ralph will have to do all the dog-related work for it.
One of the things he complains about is the fact that he thinks that he was to
take him for a walk just before he goes to bed. Ralph takes the box along with
the puppy in it to the dog pound. He leaves as Ed continues his feast of the dog
food.

At the dog pound, Ralph surrenders the dog. He takes the puppy out and gives a
speech about a nice owner will come along and take him to a better home etc.
That's almost the same exact speech that he gave to the "baby" in "The
Adoption." The puppy gets taken away. Ralph says to one of the people who work
there (played by George Petrie.) He asks him if the dog he surrendered will get
a new home. Man: "I hope so because after some dogs can stay for a certain
number of days without being picked up and that's it. We already have some that
are over the limit." Ralph: "What will happen if no one picks him up in those
certain number of days?" Man: "Then they will be killed." I wonder if that
really happens. We now learn that Ralph loves the dog after all. Ralph: "You
mean to tell me that my dog is going to be killed?" Ralph charges into the room
where his dog was placed in. Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!" Alice comes in. She
learned of Ralph surrendering the puppy and she wants to bring him back home
again. Ralph comes out with not only her puppy but with all of the dogs that are
over the limit. Ralph: "I fell in love with your puppy." They leave with the
dogs in tow. But, the dogs aren't seen again for the rest of the series, much
like some of the other things that the Kramdens got, like TVs for instance.

Episode #113 (Syndicated episode #12)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "Head of The House" (aka "Ralph's Big Mouth".)
DVD: Attached to episodes #16 - #24 of the classic 39.

At the Raccoon dinner, everybody is celebrating the fact that Brother Stanley
Saxon is getting married but of course, everyone is saying that this is a bad
thing in Stanley's life. Ed: "Stanley, if I were you I would get out of town
tonight." Ralph says a few words. He says he feels responsible because he's the
one who got Stanley and his fiancιe Agnes (Alice's sister) together. Now Stanley
has to deal with Ralph's mother-in-law as well as Ralph. Stanley is taking all
of this in stride. Not only that, but he thinks that everybody is kidding. The
dinner ends. Ralph & Ed talk to Stanley. Stanley says he's moving into Agnes'
mother's house. Ralph: "You can't do that Stanley. You will be making the
biggest mistake of your life. After me and Alice got married, I had to move in
with her mother. Those were the most miserable years of my life." Stanley: "I
don't want to argue with her." Ed: "Then why are you getting married?" Stanley
says that Agnes parents are nice people. Ralph disagrees of course and makes
reference to Koloff being on The Red Skelton Show. Ralph: "This is the 20th
century." When this episode was made, it was the 20th century. Now it's the 21st
century of course. Ralph says that a husband's home is his castle and that a man
is king of the castle and he makes all the orders that he likes and when Agnes
insists to move in with her mother, he should say no." Ralph says that he will
see Stanley at the wedding tomorrow. They leave.

The next night after the wedding, the Kramdens return home. Garrity takes one
look at Ralph and laughs. Ralph: "Go ahead Garrity laugh. For your information,
I did not get this outfit from an undertaker." Ralph emerges into the house with
a black tuxedo and hat. Ralph and Alice talk about what a cute couple Stanley
and Agnes made. Alice: "Agnes had plenty of chances. Stanley wasn't the only
one. There were other people who wanted her to get married." Ralph: "I can name
three myself. Her parents and the caterer." Ralph says he will go to sleep and
asks Alice to take the tux down to the place where he rented it tomorrow before
noon because if it arrives one second later than noon, he has to pay extra
money. Ralph tries to go to sleep. A knock on the door is heard and it's Agnes
who's crying. Agnes (yells): "STANLEY IS A BEAST! HE'S A BEAST!" Ralph overhears
that they got into a fight. Agnes said that after the wedding, he just changed.
She says all the things that Ralph told him (without mentioning Ralph's name)
and Ralph hears it. Ralph doesn't want Agnes sleeping over and for him to sleep
in the kitchen. Alice & Ralph agree to go over to Stanley's and ask him what
made him change his mind. Ralph changes his mind (of course, he doesn't want
Alice to know that he is the guilty one.) Ralph asks Alice to go to bed. Ralph
sleeps the best way he can in the kitchen. Ralph: "I have a BIG mouth."

The next morning, Ralph wakes up. Thinking he's sleeping on the bed, he says:
"We got to do something about this mattress Alice. It's murder." In his
half-consciousness, he walks out of the apartment and falls down the stairs.
Ralph comes back into the apartment and realizes where he's been sleeping and
that Agnes is still in their home. Ed comes in and when he hears that Agnes is
sleeping over, he says: "This is the first time that I ever heard of a couple
taking separate honeymoons." Ralph tells him what's going on. Alice comes out
and says that Agnes doesn't plan on leaving anytime soon. She is also very
upset, so she asks them to not say anything about the marriage. Ed (seeing Agnes
in Alice's clothes): "I haven't seen you since the wedding. How are you?" Agnes
cries and goes back into the bedroom. Ed wonders why Stanley has been acting the
way he has been and when Ralph thinks that he's about to bring up the fact that
Ralph told him all those things, he asks Ed to go home. Ralph and Alice concoct
a plan. They will invite Stanley over for dinner and Stanley and Agnes will
witness Ralph boss around Alice, that way they will get back together. Alice
goes along. Just as when Ralph thinks that Ed will spill the beans about Ralph
giving Stanley the information, he kicks him out.

While Ralph is not at home, Stanley arrives. Stanley and Agnes embrace. Agnes
says that she's at fault. Stanley disagrees. Stanley: "It was my fault darling
one. I should have never listened to Ralph." Stanley blabs the information that
Ralph told him that eventually caused the marriage to break up. Alice is
steaming mad. Alice: "How dare Ralph interfere like that." Ralph comes home and
bosses around Alice. It all falls on death ears. Ed comes down and tells a story
on how Trixie can't go to the movies because he said so. The newlyweds leave in
happiness. Ed: "Ralph, I had no idea it worked so fast." Ed leaves. Ralph
apologizes for interfering in their marriage and if anybody tried to tell him
how to run his marriage, they will get hurt. Alice accepts his apology. They hug
and kiss.

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You
got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to
tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in
Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat
on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for
you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase
less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of
America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off
Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because
Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well,
it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't
have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know
everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But,
If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have
any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

(American Life TV):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows
to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Sat. Nov. 21, 2009 2a #42 (aka #195) - "The Honeymoon Is Over": Mike Douglas
guests as the Honeymooners are invited to plug the prize-winning song on Mike's
show. And what a show it is: Ralph and Alice have an on-camera tiff that gets
everyone into the act.

Sun. Nov. 22, 2009 2a #22 (aka #175) – "Two For The Money": Ralph, as treasurer
of the Raccoon Lodge, has been entrusted with $500 in cash, which he loses at
Dennehy's Bar, He plays a long shot at the tracks to replace the money, and his
horse wins but he doesn't, because he tore up his ticket at the beginning of the
race when it looked like he was going to lose. Fortunately, the money turns up
right where Ralph left it--in the pocket of the Raccoons' Grand High Exalted
Mystic Ruler.

3a (also Fri. Nov. 27 2a) #46 (aka #199) – "The Match Game": Frances Langford
plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into
the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks -- but Cupid
somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

Mon. Nov. 23, 2009 2a #23 (aka #176) – "Nephew of The Bride": Alice's Aunt Ethel
(played by Doro Merande) moves in with the Kramdens. Ralph, who has to sleep on
a cot in the kitchen, plays Cupid for her and Krausmeyer, the butcher (played by
David Burns). His plan succeeds, Ethel and Krausmeyer elope, and they return to
the Kramdens' for a place to live until they can find a home. And Ralph moves to
the YMCA.

3a (also Sun. Nov. 29 at 2a & Mon. Nov. 30 at 1a) #24 (aka #177) – "Out of
Sight, Out of Mind": Ralph is sent to the company psychiatrist when he loses his
temper once too often on the job. He is advised to give up his friendship with
Norton, Norton mistakes his farewell note for a suicide note, and shadows Ralph
to keep him out of trouble. Ralph, seeing Norton everywhere he looks, thinks
he's losing his mind...until the truth comes out and the psychiatrist decides
that Norton and Kramden belong together.

Tue. Nov. 24, 2009 2a #43 (aka #196) – "Happiness Is a Rich Uncle": Joey
Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David
Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over
Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave
Norton as bait.

Wed. Nov. 25, 2009 2a #44 (aka #197) – "Hawaii, Oh! Oh!": Donald O'Connor guests
as a money minded maitre d' as the Honeymooners visit Hawaii. Charlie (Donald)
and his bartender (Jeremiah Morris) concoct a phony diet sauce guaranteed to
slim down fatties. The missing ingredient: a sucker. Enter rotund Ralph.

Thu. Nov. 26, 2009 2a #45 (aka #198) – "The Sun & Raccoon Capital": The end of
the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the
Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic
Ruler? Ralph and Norton!

Sat. Nov. 28, 2009 2a #47 (aka #200) – "Double Trouble": Jackie plays a dual
role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look
alike is passing some bad checks, and the Honeymooners devise their own disguise
to track down the culprit.

Sun. Nov. 29, 2009 3a #3 (aka #156) - "The Poor People of Paris": Ralph & Ed get
a great exchange rate -- on counterfeit money.

Mon. Nov. 30, 2009 2a #25 (aka #178) – "Two Faces of Ralph Kramden": Ralph is
set up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for
their boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with
his moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only
the intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

3a #26 (aka #179) – "The Main Event": Boxer "Dynamite" Moran is living with the
Kramdens and Ralph is his new promoter. His first knockout, strictly unofficial
and off the record, is staged for the benefit of the manager of heavyweight
contender "Killer" Cuoco. The scheme works until Norton accidentally decks
Dynamite. Undaunted, Ralph vows to stay in the fig ht game. Only this time, he
will train Norton for the ring.

Tue. Dec. 1, 2009 2a #49 (aka #202) – "We're Off To See The Wizard": The
Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up
leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma,
a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a sιance tries to take Ralph in
again.

Wed. Dec. 2, 2009 2a #50 (aka #203) – "Operation Protest": Ralph gets his big
break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may
be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.

Thu. Dec. 3, 2009 2a #1 (aka #154) - "In Twenty-Five Words or Less": Ralph wins
the Flakey Wakey trip to Europe for four by entering a slogan contest.

Fri. Dec. 4, 2009 2a #2 (aka #155) - "Ship of Fools": The Kramdens and Nortons
sail to Europe. Ralph and Ed set themselves adrift on a life boat but are
rescued some time later. Upon arriving in Paris, Ralph poses for a publicity
photo and falls off the deck.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as
Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Nov. 23, 2009 1a #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and
Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs"
in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a
train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward
to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's
brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he
and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable
physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying
to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one
of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated
Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.

1:30a #019 (aka #110) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so
he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden,
Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman
with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for
Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small
detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry
home the $40 million.

Mon. Nov. 30, 2009 1a #038 (aka #126) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own
Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's
advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton
says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s
pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons
door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the
job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman
with Norton's company.

1:30a #95 (aka #56) - *"Move Uptown": Ralph and Alice plan to move but must
sublet their old apartment first. When they can't find a new tenant, Ralph tries
to break the lease.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large":

(The crooks are in the apartment. Ralph picks up a water pistol.)

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! STICK 'EM UP! GET 'EM UP!"

(The crooks get their arms up. Knock on door.)

Ralph (yells): "WHO IS IT?"

Tommy (from outside): "It's me Tommy. Do you have my water pistol in there?"

"Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I wear this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It's one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showing, not blowing."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice (hugging Ralph): "Maye it's better with the lights on so that way I can
see my big handsome man."

(Alice kisses Ralph.)

Ralph: "Have you been at that beer?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading an astrology book): "Taurus the Bull shows wisodm in all money
manners and is attractive to the opposite sex."

Ralph: "That's me all right."

"Two Men On A Horse":

Ed: "We Racoons do a lot of things for this communitty."

Alice: "Name one."

Ed: "Last year, we planted a bush in the park."

"King of The Castle":

(Trixie kicked Ed out.)

Ralph: "I don't know what went wrong. I told you to say to her that you are the
king of your castle."

Ed: "I knew my part. Trixie didn't know hers."

"You're In The Picture":

(The man is holding a picture of Ralph and a girl kissing. If Alice found out,
she would get mad.)

Man: "You give me $500 so you can have this picture or I will give it to your
wife."

Ed: "Don't take the money. Let Alice have the picture than you can get it from
her for nothing."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

Ed: "Okay. What's the hint?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com &
John K's Book To The Moon

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE
SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent
increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING
ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP
YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL
HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar
jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string
of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my
neck."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit
him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?"
(stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to
tell if he's coming or going."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the
first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is
getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking
out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come
back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that
door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just
remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now
burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday
night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could
go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a
matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a
traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and
all four corners of the bleachers."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us
'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you
please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a
month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no
reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the
member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar
a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on
Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if
the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..."
(Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell
something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they
try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go
down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this
world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus
all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks
schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I
hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What
do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a
Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand
the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

Episode Reviews: "Ralph Kramden Inc." & "Young At Heart":


Episode #110 (Syndicated episode #19)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "Young Man With A Horn."
DVD: Attached to episodes #16- #24 of the classic 39.

Ralph and Ed meet in Central Park. Ed has a new hobby, he's a bird-watcher.
Ralph: "The only bird that watches you is a hawk." Ralph accidentally gave a
woman a $20 bill instead of a $5. So he asks Ed to loan him some money. Ed would
be glad too but Ralph never pays him back. Ralph thinks of an idea of making a
"corporation." Ed goes along with the idea. Ed is the chairman of the board,
while Ralph is the boss. Ed claims that he saw a Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker bird.
Ralph says that at this time of year, they should be very far, far away from
here. Ed says that the bird had a yellow belly and was sucking sap. So he says
in his notebook that he saw the bird in New Mexico.

A week later, Alice burns her finger on the stove. Ralph: "If you are not
burning yourself, it's my food." Alice says that she can't make Ralph dinner
now, so Ralph settles for a peanut butter sandwich. Ed comes in and says that it
was been a week and he says that Ralph said to him that every time he turned
around, he was going to make money (which he hasn't.) Ed: "You certainly have
not been a pinwheel." Ed is hungry but when he notices that Ralph doesn't have
any food that he likes, he asks if the peanut butter that Ralph is using is
crunchy. Ralph: "Yes, it is and I will prove it to you. When this jar hits your
head, you will hear a CRUNCH!" A man walks in with news. He knew an old lady
that used to go on Ralph's bus. SH has died. Ralph is saddened, but when he
hears that that old lady named Mrs. Monohan had $40,000,000 and she had asked
Ralph to come hear the reading of her will and she had lent Ralph something big
for him to claim, Ralph is so happy that he faints. Of course, he thinks he's
going to get the $40,000,000.

The day of the will reading, Ralph is happy. He thinks he's going to get the
$40,000,000. Alice says that Ralph shouldn't get his hopes up and that he might
not get the $40,000,000. Ralph says that the old lady liked him a lot. Alice
says that some of that money should go to Norton since they formed a
"corporation." Ralph says that he will take care of him. He claims that if
Norton would get his hands on a big amount of money, that he will neglect Trixie
and that he won't allow that to happen. Oh boy! Ed comes down with a suitcase
and says when he gets his hands on his share of the money (35%), he will take
Trixie on a honeymoon and they won't hitchhike this time. Hitchhiking on a
honeymoon, huh? I'll bet any person would be too happy about that. Ralph tries
to of course, cheat Norton out of his share by first asking Norton to make sure
that suitcase would hold the money by cutting up pieces of paper that will
resemble 40,000,000. Ed shows that it does. He cut up pieces of paper in the
shape of 40,000,000 dollar bills. Ralph then tires to cheat Norton by saying
that after he gets his 35% of the money, he will get literally nothing after
taxes. Ed doesn't mind.

At the old lady's home, the maid asks Fortune the bird to eat his breakfast. The
bird won't. He is upset about Mrs. Monohan dying. Ralph and Norton arrive and
the will reading begins. Ed claps after hearing one person getting something
from the will. (He picked it up by watching the quiz shows.) When Ralph hears
that he will get her fortune, he naturally thinks that he will get the money,
but is upset that he will get her pet bird. Both Ralph and Norton faint. Of
course, Ed says that he owns 35% of the bird before he faints.

Episode #111 (Syndicated episode #20)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "'Twas The Night Before Christmas."
DVD: Attached to episodes #16 - #24 of the Classic 39.

For this episode, I think you can tell that there are a lot of young people in
the studio audience.

A young girl named "Judy Conners comes up to visit Alice. Judy Conners looks
like she is in her teens. She has a boyfriend named Wallace, who she calls
Atomic Passion. She asks if Wallace can come up here so she can visit him and go
out on a date. He hasn't met her dad and she doesn't want to take any chances.
On their date, they are going to Coney Island and go to places like The Crazy
House and The Tunnel of Love, go dancing, and go roller skating. Judy says this
about a past boyfriend of hers. Judy: "Freddie was so 'icky.' He was a termite
strictly out of the woods." Alice complies to her request. Judy leaves. Ralph
comes home and Alice and him talk about him and her doing the same thing
everyday. She wants to go roller skating. Ralph complies, but realizes what she
asked. Alice says she wants to do the things that young people do. Alice: "That
is what keeps you young." Ralph: "My youth has passed. The Golden Years are
gone. We have hit the second plateau" Alice still wants to do the things that
young people do. Alice: "How can you be so 'icky'? You are a termite Ralph.
Strictly out of the woods." Judy said almost the same thing about a past
boyfriend of hers named Freddie, I think when she talked to Alice. Alice goes
into the bedroom. Ed Norton comes in. Ralph talks to him about the places that
Alice wants to visit, namely the Tunnel of Love at Coney Island. Ed says that
that place is terrible because he had to fix a leak under there. Ha! Wallace
comes in. I think the guy that played him is George Burns' son. He gets an
ovation from the studio audience. The clothing that he is wearing for going out
is SO outdated now. If a person his age were to walk in to high school wearing
those pieces of clothing, he would probably get laughed at. Wallace: "I'm here
to pick up Angel Cake (Judy)." Wallace tries to talk to Ralph & Ed. He says: "I
got a frantic hot rod that is ready to percolate" Ralph: "Frantic hot rod that's
ready to percolate" Wallace: "Aren't you hip? Don't you dig?" Ed: "I'm the one
who digs. I work in the sewer." Alice hears him and tries to bring up Judy.
Alice explains to Ralph about the situation while Wallace does the "Apple"
dance. Judy comes up and the date for them is on. They leave. Ed talks about him
being young. Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older and matured." Ralph: "Yeah, now
you are a full-grown nut." Ralph then talks about all the young things that
Alice wants to do and makes fun of her because she is so old. Alice gets the
message and says she will never talk about it again in a very stern voice. Ralph
is remorseful and says to Ed that from now on, he will do the things young
people do. He says that from now on, he will say things that young people say.
The things that he says are SO outdated. Ed: "How could anybody so round, be so
square?"

The next day, Ed shows up with a phonograph and Ralph comes out with a costume
that is crazy. The costume is funny. Anybody should look at it and when they do,
they might get a chuckle. Ed: "Let me some time to drink this whole thing in.
It's like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time." The first record they put on
is "The Hucklebuck." Ed plays it and starts to dance. The lyrics go something
like: "Here's a dance you should love..." The original version of this song was
actually sung by Chubby Checker. Ralph complains that he can't do those dance
moves. Ed: "Get in that move and be gay (happy)." They put on the record again
and Ralph dances. This is so funny. They rehearse the dance more and more. Alice
comes in. Cue Ralph stopping in mid-dance when he sees Alice now. Ralph: "You
wanted me to become a dancer so I was brushing up. This isn't a crazy costume.
This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm
gone!" Alice: "You're gone all right." Ralph says that he will take her dancing
and roller skating. He gives her his pin (like Wallace gave to Judy to mean that
they are a couple). Alice is delighted. They rehearse some more.

At the rollerskating rink, Ralph is a nervous wreck. He doesn't want to fall
down and hurt himself. The roller skating rink actually has a bar on the right
of it. Ed notices Ralph being nervous and the fact that he s having a tough time
roller skating. Ralph: "If I keep this up, I will lose my old age." Alice asks
Ralph to go give her and Trixie some coffee at the bar. The girls know that
Ralph is having a tough time roller skating but that doesn't bother them
apparently Ralph reluctantly complies. When he gets the coffee, you can hear a
girl in the audience saying: "Steady, steady now!" When he delivers the coffee
to them, Trixie notices that he is having hard time but doesn't even help him.
Ralph sneezes and the coffee spills. Ralph wants to go home, but he slips and
falls on the ground. Everyone tries to help him out but to no avail. When Ed
helps, he even loses his hat. This moment is funny. I wonder how much fun it was
for them to try and do this moment.

At home, Ralph is the one who is hurt the most. He complains about doing the
things that young people do and blames Alice for it. Ralph says it was
humiliating for him to fall down at the rink and not being able to get up.
Everyone laughs and Ralph laughs along. Ralph remembers going out with Alice
when they were young. He then says something like thinking young and being
young. Everyone agrees and the episode ends.

Because of the talk of youth in this episode, you can hear a lot of young people
in the audience. I think some of the young people were actually kids and the
only reason they were let in because of the talk of youth.

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You have seemed to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "This stuff will go great with o' doofers (Hors D' Ourves.)

Mr. Marshall: "Hor D' Ourves."

Ralph: "What?"

Mr. Marshall: "Hor D' Ourves."

Ralph: "They will go great with that too."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's maiden name Mr. Norton."

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

Ralph: "He means the mother's name she had before she got married."

Ed: "How do I know? Ever since I have known her, she's been married."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You ARE the FAT of the land."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a lot of gallons to wash this down."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE
MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M
TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"

All C39 from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My
reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George
Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just
like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water
or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out
and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm' not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, a few inconvencies and
right away you want to quit."

"Brother-In-Law":

Alice: "Frank has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back since the war? You're gith Alice. The war did give
him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board
in those damp cellars. That's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What does a guy who works in the sewer that he needs $2 right
away."

Ed: "Today's payday and the men down the sewer got a little dice game going.
Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to
Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normady with less than this."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were only miy size. If you were only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "What is your middle name?"

Ed: "I rather not say."

Ralph: "Come on. Go ahead and tell us."

Ed: "Etherlburt."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I was in Europe once."

Man: "Did you like it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

Happy Veterans Day!

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides,
the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to
hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried
trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know
what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing
race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my
hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to
find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on
soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you
like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he
could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina
Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come
between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the
bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for
framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now
weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a
much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to
this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "Did you know Mr. Kramden when he was a football star?"

Ed: "No, I was away in Prep School at the time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ai't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20
minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph & Ed are watching the Veterans Day Parade from the street.)

Ralph: "What a month for New York. First, the Yankees have their own parade down
Canyon of Heroes. Now, we get to recognize the war veterans of thei country.
There's one right now that just came off duty in Afghanistan."

Ed: "I hope this war on terror ends soon. I am getting tired of our country at
war."

Ralph: "I hope it ends soon too pal...with all those BUM terrorists killed."

Ed: "Couldn't have said it any better Ralph. I just talked to a WWII vet today.
He might have been against the Iraq war, but he supports our troops."

Ralph: "That is a real man. I once talked to a WWI vet who is past 110 years
old. Wow! This might be his last Veterans Day."

Ed: "Gee whiz. I support our troops and when the war ends, we should have a
celebration right here."

Ralph: "I prefer to have one in Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "Wow! These war veterans are marching above my place of work."

Ralph: "There's a war veteran from Iraq in 1991. He said he loved doing service
for our country. I talked to him. He also said that his brother who is in Iraq
now has said that all Iraqis that he talked to loved the fact that we liberated
their country from that BUM Saddam."

Ed: "That BEAST got what he deserved."

Ralph: "Yeah, and so did his sons too."

Ed: "I love supporting our troops. They don't get enough gratitude."

Ralph: "You can say that again Norton."

(They sing a song about supporting our troops.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Folks, I am proud to have members of the US Armed Forces in the front
row."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "I also haed that like me, they love to drink coffee and they love being
in Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a
cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a
cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool
room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I
wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of
America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off
Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because
Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well,
it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't
have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know
everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But,
If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have
any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't
matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are
going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Operation: Protest":

(Cliff just cost Ralph his job. Ralph confronts Cliff.)

Cliff (showing the peace symbol with his hand): "Peace!"

Ralph (grabbing the other finger): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a
wish."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so 'icky'?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"TV or Not TV":

(Alice has been acting very nice to Ralph.)

Alice: "Would you like anything?"

Ralph: "Let me have whatever you are drinking. I want to get loaded too."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I bought Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a bigger size."

Alice: "There is no bigger size."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I am not asking you for the money. The General is telling you to give it
to me."

(Alice puts a pot on Ralph's head like as if it were an army helmet and
"salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har!"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think I live in this city by driving a bus all
day? Do you know what I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breakes
schreeching, people hollering. When I finish my work and get home what do I
hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattling, peddlers-a-yelling. I ask you,
waht do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"You're In The Picture":

Ralph: "I cut myself shaving."

Alice: "And now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "With the way that Ralph is built, it takes his blood a long time to come to
the surface."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "I must be losing my mind."

Trixie: "How could you lose something you never had?"

"Petticaot Jungle":

Ralph: "You wear the first one the man showed you or the one I gave you last
year."

Alice: "I can't wear the latter Ralph. It has a hole in the knee."

Episode #108 (Syndicated episode #17)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "Mama Loves Mambo."
DVD: Attached to episodes #17 - #24 of the classic 39.

Alice just got a new phone which is black. She calls Trixie down and explains
she just got a new phone. Trixie comes down. They rave about the phone. One
problem: Trying to hide the phone from Ralph. Trixie leaves. Alice tries to hide
the phone from him. Ralph, of course, doesn't think they can afford a phone.
Ralph comes home and when something rings, Ralph hears it's coming from the
bureau (where Alice hid it.) Alice (sarcastically): "All right Ralph. Kill me!"
Ralph says that the phone is going out the window and they can't afford it.
Ralph: "What's the matter with yelling out the window?" Alice: "That's bad
manners." Ralph: "My mom did it." Alice: "Yeah, and when she lost her voice,
more people listened to her than Amos N' Andy." They argue more and more about
the phone. Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you." Alice picks up the ringing
phone. Alice: "It's for-you-you-you." Ralph: "Hello?...Shut up!" That was Ed
Norton congratulating Ralph on finally getting a phone. Ralph: "A man's home is
like a ship. Where are you going?" Alice: "I'm retiring to the poop deck until
this big wind blows over." Ha!

Ed comes down and they talk about the phone. Ed wants to make a very important
call. Ralph obliges but gets mad when he finds out that the call is to get the
correct time. Ralph: "You're going to pay me for that call." Gee, how
nice...NOT! Ed says that Ralph has used his phone a lot of times. Ralph says he
will pay for all his calls. Ed gets out a list of EVERY EXACT phone call that
Ralph made on his phone. Ralph says that the phone was for Alice so she can talk
all day long. Ralph thinks he knows the phone number for their home. He says
that he will call and if it's a busy signal, he will come back up and catch
Alice in the act. He leaves. A neighbor pops in and she knows of a couple who is
in need of a kid who needs babysitting (hence the title of the episode.) She
says that her phone number is Bensonhurst 0-7741. (This was a time before all
phone numbers were all U.S. phone numbers were all 7 or 10 digit numbers.) Ralph
comes back home and thinks he caught her in the act. Ralph: "If I have called
Bensonhurst 0-7740 once, I must have called it a hundred times and I got a busy
signal each time." Alice: "Our number is..." Audrey Meadows (at a later time in
her life with a voice that became terrible due to smoking): "...Bensonhurst
0-7741." Audrey's voice was dubbed later on after this episode was made. Why?
According to the original script as printed in Peter Crescenti and Bob
Columbea's The Original Honeymooners Treasury, the wrong number was to be
Bensonhurst 4-7741. And yes, because both phone numbers existed, they had to be
changed (and likewise, the title to "The Babysitter)." According to Donna
McCrohan's book, this episode had the longest history of rescheduling of any
Honeymooners. It was originally titled "Bensonhurst 3-7741" and scheduled to air
in succession, for October 15, December 17, and December 31, 1955. When the
episode finally aired on January 21, 1956, it was retitled "The Baby-Sitter."
Anyway, back to the show. Alice says: "I guess I married the wrong number
Ralph." Ouch!

At the barber shop, a man at the shop is talking to Harvey Walsetter about Alice
Kramden being a great babysitter last night. Ralph is remorseful what he did
last night as they both get what I'm guessing is facials. Ed helps himself to
whatever he can find at the shop too. Gee, isn't that kind of making yourself at
home? Ralph overhears the man and Harvey talking in the shop. According to
Harvey Walsetter, he wants Alice to come to his house tonight (to babysit his
kid.) But Ralph, being Ralph, thinks she is seeing someone. Ralph and Ed leave.

At the Kramden household, Alice just accepted another babysitting job over the
phone. It's for tonight and since she has to leave early and tries to rush Ralph
(who is supposed to go to a Raccoon Lodge meeting) into eating his dinner. Ralph
gets even more suspicious. Alice leaves and when Ed comes down, he says that
when he goes to Harvey's house, he will kill Harvey and say to Alice it's over.
Ralph: "I don't want to lose her." Ralph leaves. Ed: "I hope he doesn't lose her
too. She's such a good cook."

At the Walsetter's place, the couple is celebrating their 10th Anniversary.
Alice comes in. Harvey and his wife say their kid, who's name is Harvey Jr, is
fast asleep. They leave. Ralph rings the doorbell about 9 times too many and
greets Alice at the door. He is ticked off. Ralph goes over to the Harvey Jr's
bedroom and says: "I came to see Harvey." Ralph (yells): "Come on out of there
Harvey." Harvey Jr, because of the yelling comes out. He is supposedly crying a
little but doesn't make a sound. Alice: "That's Harvey Jr." She picks little
Harvey up and as Harvey is being carried back he takes one look at Ralph is his
Raccoon uniform (complete with Raccoon cap) and says: "Gee, I never knew that
Davey Crockett was so fat." Ha! He gets sent to bed. Ralph then gets the real
message but this mess if actually Alice's fault and not Ralph's. Ralph loves
Alice and Alice says that now they have a phone (which would be gone by the next
episode) for him to call and tell Alice that. They hug and kiss.

Episode #109 (Syndicated episode #18)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "On Stage."
DVD: Attached to episodes #17-24 of the Classic 39.

A game show called: "The $99,000 Answer" comes on and the host of the show (Herb
Norris) is with a contestant. Herb asks him a question which the contestant
answers correctly. Herb says that he can come back next week and see if he wants
to try for the $99,000 Question. The contestant leaves. The next contestant
comes in and it's Ralph Kramden. Ralph is all nervous and when he gets asked as
to what he does for a living, he says: "I brive a dus." Herb realizes that Ralph
drives a bus and tells a story on when it was raining and there was a big puddle
of mud that he was standing near and when he waved for a bus, not only did the
driver not stop, he drove into the puddle of mud and all the mud went on Herb.
Ralph: "Was that you?" Ouch! Herb explains the rules of the game and the
category that Ralph picks for the questions is Popular Songs. Time runs out and
Ralph is asked to return next week and the game show ends (even though it
started a few minutes ago, or so it seems.)

At home that night, Alice & Trixie are raving about Ralph's appearance on the
game show. Ralph is under the street light outside hoping someone will recognize
him. Trixie: "When Ralph turns profile, he's the biggest thing on TV." She
leaves. Ralph enters home. Ralph: "I learned something tonight Alice. You are
never to old to learn something and tonight I learned something. There's not one
person in this building that hasn't got a jealous nature. Not one person
admitted they saw me on the program." Alice says that Trixie was hear and she
saw you on the TV and that Trixie explained that Ed and all his friends were at
the bowling alley and they saw you on the program. Alice: "Trixie says that your
the biggest thing on TV." Ralph is happy. He says that they will all take part
in the celebration of Ralph winning the $99,000. Ralph: "We will be living on
Park Avenue and just wait until you see what this furniture looks like when it's
in a Park Avenue apartment." Alice is upset that Ralph thinks it's going to be
easy to win all the money given the tough questions. Ralph says that that's why
he picked a topic that he likes: Popular Songs. Ralph: "I have always liked
music especially popular music. I used to eat, sleep and drink music. Every
night I ended up listening to a dance man." Ralph says that he won't worry about
being on the $99,000 Answer (a big show). He is always his BEST under pressure.
Alice: "You're a man who brives a dus." Ralph says that a 12-year-old kid came
on that program and answered the first question and if a 12-year-old can do it,
he could. Alice: "Spell antidisestablishmentarianism." Ralph: "I'll spell it
when you give me $16,000 for spelling it." Ralph says that for the program next
week, he's going to extremely study. He will be home pretty much 24 hours a day
for the next seven days. He's going to buy sheet music and study that and he's
going to rent a piano and have Norton come down and play every song that he has
ever heard of. He's also going to buy a phonograph and study records. Alice says
that that will cost a fortune. Ralph: "When the smoke clears, we will have
$99,000." (Doesn't Ralph know that he would probably get less than $99,000 after
taxes?) This time I will get my pot of gold." Alice: "Just go for the gold. You
already got the pot." Ha!

During the next week, Alice's Mom comes by. Alice's Mom: "How's the brain
doing?" Alice says that the piano and the phonograph have been going on since
2am every night. (Why didn't the Kramdens and Nortons get kicked out for Ralph &
Ed making so much noise?) Ralph comes home from Mrs. Manicotti's (she was
helping him study by singing Italian classic songs) and Alice's Mom wants Ralph
to get to the $99,000 Question and she wants to see his face when he misses it.
She leaves. Alice complains about all Ralph is doing to win the money. She goes
to bed. Ed comes in with more phonographs So, let the Norton piano playing
begin. He warms up for every song by playing "Swanee River." He did the same
thing in "Songwriters" and Ralph recognized the name of the song, but in this
latter episode he doesn't. He gets all mad at Norton. Ed (angrily): "A Pitcher
warms up before the big game, I have to warm up too. I hope I don't have to tell
you this again." With the exception of Swanee River, Ralph not only gets the
title of the songs correct, but who wrote them and what year they were made. Ed
warms up by playing "Swanee River" and plays another song on the sheet, Ralph
doesn't guess it. The passage that Ed plays is the Gleason-composed "Melancholy
Serenade," the theme of Gleason's variety show, from which the Honeymooners
sketches emanated. McGarrity comes in to complain about the noise. (The first
time, he makes an on-screen appearance.) Ralph: "You're just jealous that's all
and do you know why? Because at this time, tomorrow night, my picture will be on
the front page of every newspaper in the country." McGarrity: "So will mine for
killing you." He leaves. Gee, when a person wins a million dollars on a game
show today, they don't get their picture on the front page of every newspaper.
Alice comes out so Ralph blames McGarrity for waking her up. Alice tries to get
them to stop playing the piano but to no avail. Alice: "I will be very proud
Ralph if you just walked away with $600." Ralph: "$600. Peanuts, peanuts What am
I going to do with peanuts?" Alice: "Eat 'em, like any other elephant." Ha! She
goes back to bed while Ralph orders Ed to play the piano more.

The next day on the game show, Ralph is the first contestant. (Whatever happened
to the other one?). Ralph says that he studied a little and that he plans to go
on straight to the $99,000 Question. Herb: "Did you talk this over with your
wife?" Ralph: "Yes, I did and regardless, I am going for the $99,000 Question."
The first question: "For $100, who is the composer of Swanee River?" Ralph hears
the intro of the song and he remembers that that's the song Ed warmed up before
playing the other songs. Ralph: "Ed Norton?" Herb: "The correct answer is Steven
Foster. You lost. I'll be seeing you Mr. Kramden." Ralph isn't going to quit
though and he keeps on mentioning a song's info when the woman and Herb ask him
to leave. Ralph just blew his chances of winning any money.

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot! and wikipedia.org.

(Ralph & Ed are at the Canyon of Heroes watching the NY Yankee parade.)

Ralph: "Well, Norton. I managed to get the day off and watch this parade. It was
a grat idea."

Ed: "Hey, if I was working today, I would be IN the street hearing the parade
and wading through the water."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "There's Derek Jeter. He's still loved by the ladies even though he's now
35. Boy, what a difference 15 years makes. I read in a 1994 Yankee program at
the old Yankee Stadium that proclaimed that Derek Jeter was part of the future.
Man, where they right."

Ed: "There is Joe Giradi."

Ralph: "Can you believe that Red Sox fan that we ran into. He called him Joe
GAYridi."

Ed: "There are the Steninbrenners. Sadly without big George."

Ralph: "Well, the big guy is in failing health and he is almost 80. I bet he's
proud of this team."

Ed: "I wonder what it would be like if Torre was still the manager."

Ralph: "Hard to say. They would still make the playoffs though. After 2007, I
thought he should have been fired."

Ed: "There is C.C. Sabathia. I think judging by the look of him, he's got a big
appetite just like you Ralph."

Ralph: "Oooooh, you are a riot Norton. A REAL RIOT!"

(After the parade, Ralph & Ed are hearing the speeches.)

Ralph: "Boy, what great speeches. I agree with what Joe Giradi said. 'After
speaking with Yogi Berra who won five straight championship rings, let's win it
again in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 & 2014 and on.'"

Ed: "This Yankee organization. Such history."

Ralph: "I couldn't agree more Norton. The Yankees have got a very proud history.
We should be proud to be Yankee fans."

(Ralph & Ed sing "Here Comes The Yankees.")

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. We are sorry we couldn't get any of the Yankees to come here
tonight which is a shame because they would have the honor of performing in
front of the greatest audiences in the world. The Miami Beach audiences. GOOD
NIGHT!"

(Audience applauds.)

(The NY Yankees won the World Series 4 games to 2 by beating the Philadelphia
Phillies 7-4.)

(Alice & Trixie are talking in the kitchen.)

Trixie: "Oh, I hope the boys don't come in making noise."

Alice: "Oh, you know them. Ralph will brag, brag, barag about his Yankees
winning the World Series for the first time in nine years. They will probably be
coming in right..."

Ralph & Ed (from the hallway, singing loudly and off-key): "WEEEEEEEE ARE THE
CHAMPIONS/WEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS/NO TIME FOR THE
PHILLLLLLLLLLLIES/BECAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...OF THE WORRRRRRRRLD."

(The girls have a look of disgust on their faces. Ralph & Ed come in.)

Ralph: "What a night Norton. The Yankees have won their 27th championship. Did
you see the look on Garrity's face when we came in?"

Ed: "He looked like he wanted to kill us."

Alice: "I thought you guys would have more sense coming in at 2am and howling at
the top of your lungs."

Ralph: "Tonight, is our night to howl. This is a long time coming. The Yankees
were waiting 9 long years and they deserved this. They NEEDED this win."

Ed: "First win since 9/11."

Ralph: "Me and Norton saw a lot of celbs there too like Regis."

Ed: "Too bad Kelly couldn't be there. Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "Well, I predicted it last year that the Yankees were going to win it all
next year."

Ed: "Just like you did it almost every year since they lost the title."

Ralph: "Oooh, don't remind me Norton. Anyway, Joe Fenstablau owes me money from
the bet I made with him regarding the Yankees winning it all."

Alice: "I just thought you two would have more sense. I am happy for the Yankees
as is Trixie. But, next time a local New York sports team wins...don't holler at
the top of your lungs."

Ralph: "No, but we will all sing."

(They all sing a song about New York sports teams.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you very much for being understanding of the fact that I am a New
York sports fan..."

(Audience boos.)

Jackie: "...but I still think that the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD
NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake that Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

Trixie: "Ed, did you hear what he said?"

Ed: "He got us there. He didn't."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the
Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "Statistics show that all bald-headed men are rich. They have got money.
Do you know why? Because they are smart. They got brains. The more brains they
have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise you two have been making, you woke me out of
a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?"
(stepping on the tacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWW!"


"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like
he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a
whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Ralph, how did she know about such a thing as TV. I thought that
you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens & Nortons see Mr. Mosby about getting a cottage.)

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph, Alice & Ed are practicing the stunt.)

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 1,366   Tuesday's Quotes:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake that Ed has made, Ralph has talked ihm into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

Trixie: "Ed, did you hear what he said?"

Ed: "He got us there. He didn't."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the
Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "Statistics show that all bald-headed men are rich. They have got money.
Do you know why? Because they are smart. They got brains. The more brains they
have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise you two have been making, you woke me out of
a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?"
(stepping on the tacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWW!"


"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like
he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a
whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Ralph, how did she know about such a thing as TV. I thought that
you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens & Nortons see Mr. Mosby about getting a cottage.)

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph, Alice & Ed are practicing the stunt.)

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

(American Life TV):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows
to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice
Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Sat. Nov. 7, 2009 2a #25 (aka #178) – "Two Faces of Ralph Kramden": Ralph is set
up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for their
boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with his
moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only the
intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

Sun. Nov. 8, 2009 2a #18 (aka #171) – "Sees All, Knows All": A Coney Island
fortune teller tells Ralph that he is going to commit a murder within a week.
Ralph wants Alice to move in with her mother till t he week passes but Alice
refuses. Ralph moves in with Ed and gets so exasperated at him that he nearly
kills him. In the end, Ralph manages to get himself arrested for safety by
assaulting a police officer.

3a (also Wed Nov. 11 2a) #27 (aka #180) – "To Whomever It May Concern": Ralph,
told to turn in his bus driver's uniform, dashes off a scathing letter to his
boss, only to realize he was not being fired but promoted to traffic manager. He
retrieves the letter, and then mails it again by mistake. His boss receives the
letter, but has no one to blame, since it is unsigned. Then Norton stops by the
boss' office to plead for another chance for his pal...and Ralph's professional
aspirations take another nose dive.

Mon. Nov. 9, 2009 2a (also Mon. 11/16 at 3a) #21 (aka #174) – "The People's
Choice": Ralph becomes a hero for recognizing "Knuckles" Grogan from his
newspaper picture and aiding in his arrest. Then Knuckles escapes and Ralph has
to be the bait so the police can recapture him. Local politicians ask Ralph, on
the strength of his heroism, to run for state assembly; he agrees, and campaigns
vigorously, until he realizes that his sponsors are dishonest. And, at the big
pre-election rally, he tells the voters the whole story.

3a #19 (aka #172) – "Be It Ever So Humble": Rather than pay a $5 rent increase,
Ralph buys a duplex in the country and takes the Nortons as his tenants.He
forces them to sign a 99-year lease. But he is a negligent superintendent, and
the Nortons attempt to break the lease with a 3:00 A.M. party and a firecracker
in Ralph's fireplace.

Tue. Nov. 10, 2009 2a #26 (aka #179) – "The Main Event": Boxer "Dynamite" Moran
is living with the Kramdens and Ralph is his new promoter. His first knockout,
strictly unofficial and off the record, is staged for the benefit of the manager
of heavyweight contender "Killer" Cuoco. The scheme works until Norton
accidentally decks Dynamite. Undaunted, Ralph vows to stay in the fig ht game.
Only this time, he will train Norton for the ring.

Thu. Nov. 12, 2009 2a #28 (aka #181) – "Sleepy Time Gal": Ralph meets a
hypnotist, the Great Fatchoomara, at the Raccoon Lodge, and persuades him to put
Alice in a trance. That way, she will have to show Ralph where she hides her
emergency cash. Unfortunately for Ralph, Alice overhears his scheme and
substitutes a note for the money. He doesn't realize until too late, on a train
to the Miami Beach Raccoons' Annual Convention, that Alice was wise to him all
along.

Fri. Nov. 13, 2009 2a #29 (aka #182) – "Boy Next Door": Alice, planning a
surprise birthday party for Ralph, borrows a cookbook recipe from Trixie. Ralph,
discovering the cookbook, finds in it an old love letter written by Ed. He
concludes that Ed and Alice are lovers and takes the appropriate actions:
following them and telling Trixie. But Trixie just laughs at Ralph, and then she
tells him the truth.

Sat. Nov. 14, 2009 2a #30 (aka #183) – "Follow The Boys": When the wives
complain that their husbands don't fuss over them anymore, Ralph and Ed come up
with a compromise: one night a week will be "boys' night out," the other nights
they will spend with Alice and Trixie. But this is just another scheme that
backfires on Ralph, who is planning to wear out the wives on the first night,
but overcomes himself with exhaustion instead.

Sun. Nov. 15, 2009 2a #20 – "Hair To A Fortune": For $500, Ralph and Norton buy
a phony hair-restoration formula from a sharp promoter in Central Park. Over
Alice and Trixie's objections, they mix up their first batch and try it on
Ralph's boss. Using the formula he loses all his hair.

3a (also Thu. 11/19 at 2a) #40 (aka #193) – "The Mexican Hat Trick": Carol
Lawrence and the Baja Marimba Band guests as the Honeymooners head for colorful
Mexico. Mix-ups include a rendezvous between the alluring El Lobo (Carol) and
Ralph; a run-in with the bandits Jenkins (Jesse White) and Pedro (Phil Leeds);
and the kidnapping of Alice and Trixie.

Tue. Nov. 17, 2009 2a #38 (aka #191) – "Play It Again Norton": The Honeymooners
wreck havoc on a cross-country tour. Our two willing but not-so-able boobs
(Ralph & Ed) enter a song contest sponsored by movie star Worthington Kenmore
(played by Paul Lynde). The prize: $25,000 and a Hollywood trip. The problem:
entrants must be under 18.

Wed. Nov. 18, 2009 2a #39 (aka #192) – "Ralph Goes Hollywood": Bing Crosby,
Maureen O'Hara and Bert Parks are the guests as the Honeymooners head for
Hollywood to claim their songwriting prize. High jinks include a stay at
Maureen's mansion, expense-account living and Ralph's plan to throw a party for
Bing. (The role of the "reporter" is played by George Petrie.)

Fri. Nov. 20, 2009 2a #41 (aka #194) – "Case of The Cuckoo Thief": Joining the
Honeymooners: Oscar winner George Chakiris ("A Chorus Line"). A Hollywood
shopping spree turns chaotic when shoplifter Mousey the Dip (George) uses Alice
as his unwitting accomplice.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as
Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Nov. 9, 2009 1a #025 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My
Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment
for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the
decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat.
When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre:
Alexander Clark.

1:30a #012 (aka #103) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells
Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the
fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers
worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and
Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind.

Mon. Nov. 16, 2009 1:30a #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage"
(originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard
Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's
that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with
monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among
Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play
being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is
strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that
a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the
actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend
with.

(WNJN) & (WNJN HD) (Montclair, NJ PBS affiliate.)

Sun. Nov. 8, 2009 11p (CC) "Jackie Gleason: Genius At Work": Various clips are
shown of Jackie Gleason showing his comedic brilliance. (Two hours.)

Credit goes to John K's Book To The Moon, tvland.com, the old honeymooners.net,
sitcomsonline.com, tvguide.com, and zap2it.com.

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had
the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we
gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is
that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for
work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late,
I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when
he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed
is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I
would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"











For the people who want to see how bad the movie version is, here are the
listings. Beware. The series is probably 1,000,000 times better.

(TBS & TBS HD)

Sat. Nov. 7, 2009 1:25p
Sun. Nov. 7, 2009 1:25p
(CC)

90 mins.

PG-13

Mike Epps as Ed Norton. Regina Hall as Trixie Norton. Cedric The Entertainer as
Ralph Kramden. Gabrielle Union as Alice Kramden.

Ralph & Norton hatch a get-rich-quick scheme to get them out of Brooklyn and
onto easy street. Standing by their husbands are devoted wives Alice and Trixie,
who help their guys make ends meet by being waitresses at a neighborhood diner.

Credit goes to movietome.com & imdb.com.

All Color quotes from "The People's Choice":

#1

(Ralph looks outside the window as Ed blows air into his paper bag and pops it.
Ralph thinks that he has been shot and screams in pain. When he realizes what Ed
did, he gets mad at Ed. Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

#2

(Mr. Miller & Mr. Weaver want Ralph to run for Assembly.)

Mr. Miller: "I read some of his (Ralph's) interviews in the newspaper. He
doesn't sound smart."

Mr. Weaver: "That is what we want. A stupid hero."

#3

Ralph: "I'm a hero. A hero. A heeero. Do you know what a hero is?"

Alice: "Yeah, a fat sandwich."

"People's Choice Part 2":

(Ralph & the rest of the gang are on the street with instruments [including Ed
wearing a drum with suspenders], and advertisements that say: "Vote For
Kramden.")

Man: "What do you know about an assemblyman?"

Ralph (giving the signal to Ed to start playing his drum that gives Alice the
signal to play the cymbals): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? What do
I know about being an assemblyman?" (hitting Ed): "What do I know about being an
assemblyman? I'll tell you what I know about being an assemblyman."

(Ed plays his drums & Alice plays the cymbals while Ralph mouths words.)

(The music stops.)

Ralph: "That's what I know about being an assemblyman. Do you have any other
questions?"

Man: "Yes. When did you four nuts escape?"

"The People's Choice Part 2":

Ralph (reading his speech to a couple): "'Friends, pretty soon it will be time
to go to the polls and vote. You can vote for a guy like me, Ralph Kramden. A
fearless citizen who has captured such ruthless people as Bullets Durgem or you
can vote for the other guy, that dirty bum, Harvey Porter. If you elect me, I
will give you honest government'..."

Woman: "Come on John."

(They leave.)

Ralph: "I'll put new parks in the benches. I'll..." (yells): "SHE WON'T BE SUCH
A RIOT AFTER YOU MARRY HER."

"Forgot To Register":

Alice: "Harper is for people like us."

Ralph: "Harper is not for people like us. Penrose is for the little man and I am
a little man. Don't you dare say it"

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you didn't vote for Frank McGillicuddy?"

Ed: "McGuillicuddy? I don't even know how to spell his name."

#2

Ralph: "All right Ed. If you did not not vote for me, than who did?"

Ed: "Joe Rumsey."

Ralph: "Joe Rumsey. That's impossible. Why would he do that?"

Ed: "Remember that vaccum cleaner you gave him. He tried it out. He didn't do so
well with the oatmeal test either."

#3

(Ralph & Ed turn on the vacuum but it doesn't suck up dirt.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop of erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

(The Philadelphia Phillies beat the NY Yankees 8-6.)

(Ralph is pacing back and forth. Then, he sits down. Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "How are you Norton? How was your day?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day. Those Yankees really blew it."

(Ed blows his nose.)

Ralph: "Oh, as mich as I wanted the Yankees to win in New York, I wanted them to
win. Now those pesky Phillies have the momentum. This is bad. I can't survive
another year without the Yankees as champs."

Ed: "By, the looks of you, I will be surprised if you survive even if the
Yankees win the World Series."

Ralph: "If I wasn't so tired, you would get yours."

Ed: "Time to smile. Look on the bright side. As you said, you wanted the Yankees
to win another World Series in New York. How appropriate would it be if it
happend in Yankee Stadium's first year."

Ralph: "Yeah, you right Norton. That will truly make the new Yankee Stadium's
first year. I hope the stadium surpasses the old Yankee Stadium as far as
history but it will have a lot of pressure on it. Ha ha ha."

(Ed & Ralph sing a song about the Yankees winning the World Series.)

(Jackie Gleason walks out. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

(The NY Yankees beat the Philadelphia Phillies 7-4.)

Ralph: "What a game Alice. The Yankees are closer than ever to becoming champs."

Alice: "Wow!"

Ralph: "And they said that the Phillies were going to win. The Phillies that is.
Tough luck."

Alice: "Boy, Ralph. Don't get so excited. The Yankees still haven't won yet."

Ralph: "Alice, the Yanks have it."

Alice: "You said the same thing in 2004 when they face the Red Sox."

Ralph: "Don't remind me. That was a FLUKE."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralphie boy. Boy, the Yankees have really proved to Philly how tough
they are. I wish I got the pie in the face at the end of their games instead of
the knots Trixie puts in my head when she hits me. She is lucky I don't accuse
her of spousal abuse."

Ralph: "Well, Norton. Tomorrow will be a dark, dark day for Philly. I can
guarantee it. I am never wrong. Name me the last time I was wrong...DON'T SAY
IT."

Ed: "I bet that Garritty is upset."

Ralph: "Oh boy! Time to rub it in."

Alice: "Ralph."

Ralph: "Shut your lips."

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY GARRITY, THOSE YANKS ARE PROVING WHO'S BOSS. THEY WILL WIN.
I CAN GUARANTEE IT YOU BLOWHARD. I AM NEVER WRONG YOU BLOWHARD."

Everyone (from outside, yells): "YOU? NEVER WRONG? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

(Garrity throws down a pie in Ralph's face. Everyone including Alice & Ed
laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "I GOT A BIIIIG MOUTH!"

(Jackie Gleason, who is still wiping off the pie, comes out. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you would have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got holes in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like to have some fingers in your nose?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is no room back there."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Champagne & Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even
though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she
wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and
she won't let you do the things that you want to do."

Ed: "You are telling me."

"Sun & Raccoon Capital":

Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big
decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will
be in all the smoke-filled rooms."

Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a
smoke-filled room."