THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
May 15-21, 2000
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You may have heard "Late Show" executive
producer Rob Burnett announce on Monday's show,
"I will be stepping down as former host of
'Campaign 2000' ... I'll be working for another
network." In fact, Burnett is staying on as
executive producer of "Late Show." But now it
will be much more of a title than a job.

In an informative interview with TV Barn in the
lobby of the Metropolitan Opera House on Monday
-- shortly after the conclusion NBC's upfront
presentation -- Burnett announced that, because
he and former "Late Show" head writer Jon
Beckerman now have a show on NBC called "Ed," he
is turning day-to-day control of "Late Show"
over to two longtime producers, Barbara Gaines
and Maria Pope.

Gaines has worked for David Letterman for 20
years: every morning show broadcast, every "Late
Night" on NBC, every "Late Show" on CBS. Pope,
who started as an NBC intern in 1982, has been
there nearly as long. She's become known to
"Late Show" viewers lately as the "popular host
of 'Campaign 2000.'"

Also in our conversation, Burnett and Beckerman
talked about the way NBC promoted "Ed" in the
upfront presentation -- and why CBS, the docking
ship for Worldwide Pants, took a pass on the
show last year.

Me: I looked it up and this project has been on
your plate for four years. How do you feel now
that it's finally coming to fruition?

Rob Burnett: Well, we're thrilled, because we're
just six months away from syndication. We've
been doing other things during this time,
y'know. It's not like we were just doing "Ed."
But first it was a half hour in '96. Then the
executive producer of the "Late Show" left. So
Jon and I had to put it away and came back for a
year and then we really went full-fledged for a
year with CBS. And this year -- it's better to
be picked up than not picked up. Don't you
agree?

Jon Beckerman: Yeah. And there are plenty of
networks we've not been at with this project --
WB, ABC. So there are plenty of opportunities.

Me: What do you suppose made it appealing to NBC
that it didn't to CBS? Or was this just a case
of "right show, wrong network"?

JB: I think it was, yeah.  I mean, CBS people
were always positive about the project.  But I
think Dave, and Les was really enthusiastic
about the script.  There were a lot of fans of
the project.  But I think the general impression
was that this wasn't really a CBS show.  And
quite honestly, I think this pilot is better
than the CBS pilot was, and that's partially due
to the contributions of the development people
at NBC and -- I'm seriously not kissing ass, but
they were very helpful and attentive to the
project.  Really seemed interested in helping it
along to this moment.

Me: Now you're a veteran of promos.  You're a
veteran of mocking and satirizing promos. You
saw the promo up there telling advertisers and
affiliates about "Ed."  What isn't in that
promo?

RB: We give away a million dollars every
episode. I can't believe they left that out.
That was kind of the hook. In fact, we were off
the schedule until we agreed to go ahead and
give away -- see, in the middle of the show
there's this dramatic lighting and *boom
boom*!

JB: And Ed is played by Regis Philbin.

Me: But seriously, I'm not sure this promo --

RB: Some shows are easier to capture in that
format than others, and our show is a little
harder to capture in a 3-minute cutdown. I think
if you're doing a sitcom where here's a joke,
here's a joke, here's a joke -- our show is much
more about a mood and a feeling. It gets very
dramatic at times. It hopefully gets funny at
times. Y'know, they did a fine job putting that
together but it's hard to really get a sense of
what we're up to.

Me: Now, in practical terms you've had to give
up being the host of "Campaign 2000."
Professionally, how are you going to manage
this?

RB: We're producing the show ("Ed") in New York
and Jon and I will run the show. So ... we will
make some changes at the "Late Show." Barbara
Gaines and Maria Pope will be promoted to
executive producers. As far as the other
Worldwide Pants shows, they're pretty much
taking care of themselves. We'll continue to
look after them. The biggest one for now that
will need the most attention is the new one,
tentatively -- well, we don't have a title (for
the Jim Gaffigan comedy, loosely based on Dave
Letterman's career, picked up by CBS). But Jon
and I will be devoting our full attention to
"Ed."

Me: I remember you told me four years ago how
Dave had asked you to please shepherd the show
for a year with Morty gone, and then you could
return to chase your dreams. So how is this
different? How are you managing this and staying
captain of the "Late Show" ship?

RB: I don't think I will be the captain of the
"Late Show" ship. They (Maria and Gaines) will
absolutely be running it. Together they have 37
years of experience. They'll do a fantastic job.
They ran it for seven weeks while Jon and I were
in Vancouver and then editing in Los Angeles.
This will not be a problem; if anything things
will only get better. My last day will be Friday
...

Dave's really excited about it. He's always been
very selfless when it comes to our careers. He
let me go in 1995 to work with Bonnie Hunt when
I was the head writer (on "Late Show"). He's
never stood in our way.

JB: I've yet to meet him. But yeah, I've heard
that.


***

As I did last year, I'll be posting full, blow-by-
blow accounts of the networks' upfront presentations
to the TV Barn Web site all week. See you there.

***


Unafraid of the scorching searchlight of public
scrutiny -- unafraid that Americans will ask
themselves, "If he's so funny, why is he still
in Canada?" -- Ed the Sock has stepped forward
and declared both the Pets.com Sock Puppet (aka
"Crappy") and Robert Smigel's Triumph, the
Insult Comic Dog to be uninspired ripoffs of
himself.

"The Americans have tried to rip me off before,"
snorts Ed, a raunchy green sock who smokes a lit
cigar, has a permanent scowl, and holds forth on
Canada's CityTV and MuchMusic channels. "Ben
Stiller's Skank character. MTV's lame-ass 'Sifl
& Olly' ... I've been around more than a decade
and I'll still be around and going strong when
these two latest pretenders are being used to
clean windows by indigent squeegee kids."

Ed the Sock is the brainchild of Steve Kerzner,
who was managing a small cable system in Toronto
in 1986 when a guest failed to show for a
public-access program. Kerzner put on the sock
and, being 19 years old at the time, had no
trouble giving it an attitude. CityTV picked up
Ed in 1994 and the sock's late-night celebrity
has been growing ever since. "Ed's Smash or
Trash" airs Thursdays on MuchMusic (Canadian
version only, sad to say) and "Ed's Night Party"
is on weekends. His show is also syndicated in
Australia.

In January, a third cable network signed Kerzner
to do a program with a familiar-sounding title:
"Ed's True Hollywood Stories" on the Star!
entertainment channel. He has his own
merchandise line and a 5,000-member fan club.
Earlier this year, Toronto's Globe & Mail named
Ed one of the 40 most influential people in
Canadian television: "Cheap and successful,"
they wrote. "The essential tenets of Canadian
TV. A lesson to us all."

Ed appears to have two main specialties: nabbing
interviews with bewildered celebrities --
everyone from Christine Aguilera to Regis
Philbin and Drew Carey have chatted with him --
and pretending to get laid, which also includes
talking about pretending to get laid. I'm in
receipt of a recent telecast of Ed in a sex romp
with a nude model. It's remarkably unfiltered,
at least by U.S. basic cable standards. During
his show, scantily-clad women are posted around
the studio -- kind of like they are on Comedy
Central's "The Man Show." Now I understand why
young Canadian men enjoy Ed's show so much.

According to Ed, there's another reason people
watch: "I don't rely on scripts to get me by.
I'd like to see Triumph or the Pets.com guy
handle a live broadcast during the Woodstock
riots, never mind handling several hours of live
TV every week."

Until last week, no national U.S. outlet carried
Ed the Sock, but Kerzner said that's not for his
lack of trying. "Coincidentally, Smigel's
Triumph dog appeared shortly after we submitted
Ed to Conan O'Brien and were rejected." MTV's
"Sifl & Olly" also premiered "shortly after MTV
decided not to use Ed," said Kerzner. (The Ed
the Sock Web site repeats these claims.)

However, Ed can now be seen on a new show, "Ed's
Big Wham Bam!", airing on the U.S. version of
MuchMusic on Mondays. Check your listings;
MuchMusic is in about 20 million U.S. homes,
mostly on satellite dish.

The final word comes from Ed: "When the Yanks
decide they'd like a puppet with real staying
power and talent, they know where to find me.
Their women already have. In the meantime, why
not put these other two losers in a Celebrity
Deathmatch with a dryer."

***

Former "Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher"
executive producer Scott Carter, now producing
Candice Bergen's "Exhale" show on Oxygen, once
told me that Maher's ultimate "PI" would be a
tribute to Hugh Hefner's old Sixties show,
"Playboy After Dark." You know, everybody
sitting around poolside in silk PJ's, chatting
cleverly.

It's finally happening: This week's broadcasts
all originate from the Playboy Mansion and are
modeled on "After Dark." Hef, of course, will be
among the many celebrity guests. Viewers may
recall that Maher -- who considers Hef a
personal hero -- had a special one-on-one
edition of "PI" with Hefner three years ago.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>
<http://www.come.to/testpattern>

	 May 15: in 1985, "Dynasty's" Carringtons trek
	 off to Moldavia for the wedding of Amanda and
	 Prince Michael. The season cliffhanger? Armed
	 revolutionaries burst in, guns blazing. When the
	 fall season begins, all is well as it turns out
	 that the terrorists had terrible aim.

	 May 16: in 1983, the most entertaining three
	 minutes of NBC's "Motown 25: Yesterday, Today,
	 Forever" are those involving a non-Motown song.
	 Asked to perform a solo dance number after a
	 medley with his brothers, Michael Jackson
	 performs "Billie Jean." But on the musical
	 bridge, he stuns the crowd with an enhanced
	 version of a breakdance move already out on the
	 street -- The Moonwalk.

	 May 17: in 1974, while Frankie Avalon's rocking
	 out with an all-oldies edition of NBC's
	 "Midnight Special" (with Sam & Dave, The
	 Fleetwoods, and Fabian), ABC has its own rock
	 spectaular late tonight: "Say Goodbye to Norma
	 Jean & Other Things," showcasing the music of
	 Elton John and collaborator Bernie Taupin.

	 May 18: in 1983, Robin Williams hosts a look at
	 80 years of aliens in film for the CBS special
	 "E.T. & Friends." While the show is mainly an
	 infomercial for Steven Spielberg's short
	 special-effects-created star, Williams also does
	 a few sketches as a used UFO dealer and a
	 clothing designer who spaces out upon meeting
	 the Coneheads.

	 May 19: in 1993, "Beverly Hills 90210" seniors
	 Brenda, Brandon, Kelly, Donna, David, Steve,
	 Andrea and Dylan graduate from West Beverly High
	 school. The combined ages of the actors at the
	 time the episode airs? 00192.

	 May 20: in 1977, "Sanford and Son" should be
	 enjoying their Hawaiian vacation, but the laws
	 of television demand that any episode filmed on
	 any location other than their own studio set
	 must involve the characters being chased by
	 jewel thieves.

	 May 21: in 1987, NBC launches a comedy/drama
	 chronicling the perils of being a sexually
	 active single gal in her thirties. And even
	 though tonight's debut of "The Days and Nights
	 of Molly Dodd" explains "why cosmetics should
	 come in unbreakable bottles," the show never
	 quite catches on at the Peacock network. Maybe
	 if she'd fantasized about a dancing baby ...

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Earl Marsh, &
	 McNeil. Tom Heald will be rendering haiku for
	 each and every new show on the Fall TV lineups
	 on the TV Barn Web site. Visit us anyway.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 5/15 Gillian Anderson, Foo Fighters, Peter Frampton
Tu 5/16 David Hyde Pierce, Phish
We 5/17 Hugh Grant, Carly Simon
Th 5/18 Jackie Chan, Jim Gaffigan
Fr 5/19 Ringo Starr

Mo 5/22 Michael J. Fox
Tu 5/23 Earvin "Magic" Johnson, Matchbox 20
We 5/24 Sarah Jessica Parker, Gloria Estefan
Th 5/25 Nathan Lane, Owen Wilson, B.B. King
Fr 5/26 Dan Patrick


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 5/15 Richard Harris, Julie Scardina and SeaWorld animals
Tu 5/16 Tom Selleck, animal expert Jon Guenther
We 5/17 Judge Judy Sheindlin, Tom Green, 3 Doors Down
Th 5/18 Tom Cruise, Tracey Ullman
Fr 5/19 Mad scientist David Willey, Supergrass

Mo 5/22 Jackie Chan, En Vogue
Tu 5/23 Ving Rhames, Martha Stewart
We 5/24 Halle Berry
Th 5/25 James Woods
Fr 5/26 The B-52s


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 5/15 Lance Burton
Tu 5/16 Jordan Rubin
We 5/17 Adam Carolla, Leona Naess
Th 5/18 Tom Green, Shelby Lynne
Fr 5/19 TBA

Mo 5/22 Michael Rapaport, the Amazing Kreskin
Tu 5/23 Foo Fighters
We 5/24 Stroke 9
Th 5/25 Pauly Shore


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 5/15 Ashley Judd, Tracy Morgan, Shelby Lynne (R 1/25/00)
Tu 5/16 Charlie Sheen, Jane Leeves, A Perfect Circle
We 5/17 Rick Schroder, Amy Brenneman, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin
Th 5/18 Sarah Michelle Gellar, Michael Rapaport
Fr 5/19 Marie Osmond, Marah

Mo 5/22 Jason Priestley, Stockard Channing, Maria Bamford (R 1/27/00)
Tu 5/23 Kevin Nealon, Jarod Miller
We 5/24 Jerry Stiller, Jake Johannsen


LATER, NBC
Mo 5/15 TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 5/15 Phil Rosenthal, Mark Katz, Susan Stroman
Tu 5/16 Eric McCormack, Debra Messing, Megan Mullally, Sean Hayes, Susan
Sontag


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 5/15 Joey McIntyre, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Garcelle Beauvais, Steve Harvey
Tu 5/16 Mo'Nique, Nicholas Brendon, Karen Finley, Tara Reid, Carson Daly
We 5/17 Arianna Huffington, Howie Mandel, Jeff Bridges, Jerry Harrison
Th 5/18 Bijou Phillips, Amy Alkon, Scott Weiland, Adam Carolla
Fr 5/19 Rob Schneider, Laura Innes, Michelle Phillips, Susannah Breslin,
Hugh Hefner

Mo 5/22 Michael Rapaport, Billy Corgan, Darlene Kennedy
Tu 5/23 Judith Krantz


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 5/15 TBA


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 5/15 Jenifer Lewis / D'Angelo
Tu 5/16 Allen Iverson / Red hot Chili Peppers
We 5/17 The Reverend Al Sharpton / Les Nubians
Th 5/18 Iyanla Vanzant / Mobb Deep
Fr 5/19 Don King / Dr. Dre


CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER
     HBO
Mo 5/15 11 PM
Fr 5/19 10:15PM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Tu 5/16 Midnight David Schwimmer on "Friends"
Fr 5/19 "Elvis" (guest TBD)
Fr 6/2 - Peggy Noonan on "NY Senate Race"
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 5/15 Jon Lovitz on Acting (5/16/97)
Tu 5/16 Ann Richards on Sobriety (5/30/97)
We 5/17 Norm MacDonald on Smoking (6/6/97)
Th 5/18 George Carlin on Armed Forces (6/13/97)
Fr 5/19 Jay Leno on Movies (6/20/97)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 5/15 "Pain Equals Funny" Kirk Baily, Jenica Bergere, Suli McCullough
(2/12/97)
Tu 5/16 "The Roast" Kip Addotta, Dana Carvey, Norm Crosby, Al Franken,
Bruno
Kirby, Bill Maher, Carl Reiner, Jon Stewart, Carrot Top, Bob Odenkirk,
David
Paymer (2/19/97)
We 5/17 "Larry's New Love" Jeff Foxworthy, Daisy Fuentes, Warren
Littlefield,
Paul Westerberg (2/26/97)
Th 5/18 "Another List" Winona Ryder, Jon Stewart, Smashmouth (3/15/98)
Fr 5/19 "The Beginning of the End" Jon Stewart, Colin Hay (3/22/98)
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 5/17 "Montana" Robin Williams Bernadette Peters &  "You're Having My
Baby"
Mimi Rogers, The Raspini Brothers


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 5/20 Tony Shaloub / Tyra Banks (Bunifa vs. Katisha)


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
     HBO
Tu 5/16 2:15 AM "It's Perfectly Understandishable"
     HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 5/15 "Bush is A Pussy"
Tu 5/16 "It's A No Brainer"
We 5/17 "The Story Of Everest"
Th 5/18 "The Return Of The Curse of The Creature's Ghost"
Fr 5/19 "Life Is Precious And God And The Bible"


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 5/15 newsman Kevin Newman / Young and The Restless' Jeanne Cooper /
Willie
"Big Eyes" Smith
Tu 5/16 Joyce Carol Oates / Comedy Network’s Elvira Kurt / Carolyn Mark
We 5/17 Paul Gross / Dilated Peoples
Th 5/18 Dr. Joy Browne
Fr 5/19 Third Watch's Skip Sudduth / Nick Mancuso / Hanson


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 4)
We 5/17 9:30 PM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 5/6 Jackie Chan / Kid Rock


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 5/15 1 PM Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey + Martin Scorsese (1991-'92)
Leevi's 3, Tooncinator, Pat, The Chris Farley Show
     6 PM Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams (1991-'92) The Last Tonight
Show,
Action Cats, Politically Incorrect P.I., Super Fans, Operaman, The
Sensitive
Naked Man
     Midnight Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction (1997-'98) Fun With Real Audio-
Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man, news Tommy Flanagan, Late Show
with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The New York Times, The Robin
Byrd
Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!"
Tu 5/16 1 PM Charles Barkley / Nirvana (1993-'94) Clinton Health Plan,
Daily
Affirmation, Coffee Talk, Deep Thoughts, Gap Girls
     6 PM David Alan Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg (1996-'97) "Let's Get
Butt-Naked
In The White House," Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes, 20/20, Both
Sides
with Jesse Jackson, The Rocky Roads, Maya Angelou endorsements, Ex-porn
stars, Don & Eddie's Home Shopping, "Wheaty the Wheaten Terrier"
     Midnight Alec Baldwin / Beastie Boys + Christian Slater (1994-'95)
Joycelyn Elders, L.A. Breast & Penis, Rookie Cop, Young & The Youthful
We 5/17 1 PM Glenn Close / Black Crowes (1992-'93) Coffee Talk, What's the
Best Way?, Drummer Boy
     6 PM David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page (1997-'98) Janet Reno's
X-Files, Spartan Spirits, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Cinder
Calhoun, Mango, Oprah & Goat Boy, From The Earth To The Area Around The
Earth, Golords
     Midnight Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger / UB40 + Billy & Steve Baldwin
(1993-'94) Family Feud, Canteen Boy, Pyramid Of Painloss, Hyperactive
Phillip, Tiny Elvis
Th 5/18 1 PM MC Hammer + Pugsley & Wednesday Addams/Christina Ricci
(1991-'92) Michael Jackson vs. host, Dick Clark's receptionist,
Remembrances
Of Love
     6 PM Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler (1995-'96) O.J. Today, Ad,
Nightline, Leg Up, Spade in America, Biography, Chicken Lady
     Midnight Chevy Chase / Live (1996-'97) Nightline, The Singing Mohan
Culps, Smokey & the Bandit re-release, Goat Boy, Chopper 4
Fr 5/19 1 PM Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg (1993-'94) Planet Of The
Apes,
Infiniti Q45 Toilet, Coffee Talk, Herlihy Boy, The President Is
Illiterate,
Hollywood Minute, NRA's Five-Day Loaner Program, King Solomon Junior High
Career Day
     6 PM Matthew Perry / Oasis (1997-'98) Spartan Spirits, Friends
fountain
dance, Cookie Dough Sport, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Sarcasm 101, The Ladies'
Man,
Harry Caray, Goat Boy, Kevin Franklin Show, Liza!
     8 PM Nathan Lane / Metallica + Marianne Faithfull + Ernie Sabella +
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (1997-'98) - McCaughey septuplets, Chess for
Girls, Spartan Spirits, Sister Wendy, History of Vaudeville, ex-con Santa
     9 PM Chris Farley / Mighty Mighty Bosstones + Mike Ditka
(1997-'98) Yum
Bubble Genital Herpes Gum, Morning Latte, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Martha
Stewart's Halloween, Matt Foley, Goth Talk, Sally Jessy Raphael
     10 PM David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant + Lisa Kudrow, Gary Coleman,
Barry Williams, Jimmie Walker (1995-'96) D.C. frat boy march, Grayson
Moorhead, Kids vs. Grownups, Rita Delvecchio, Spade in America- Jennifer
Aniston, Plus Sized, Triumph Performers
     11 PM George Forman / Hole + Michael Buffer (1994-'95) - Time Boxer,
Two
Guys From A Religious Cult, Matt Foley, Incredible Hulk, Bruce McCulloch's
"Stalking"
Sa 5/20 4 PM Jeff Goldblum / Aerosmith + Laura Dern (1993-'94) Nerf
Crotchbats, Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends, Mike Judge's Milton in
"Office Space"
     6 PM Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt (1994-'95) Mona Lisa Vito, Piercing
Today, Daily Affirmation, Eric Bogosian vs Spaulding Gray, Bridal Fair
Su 5/21 Noon Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant (1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga,
Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History Minute
     1 PM Chevy Chevy Chase / Live (1996-'97) Nightline, The Singing Mohan
Culps, Smokey & the Bandit re-release, Goat Boy, Chopper 4
     2 PM Chris Rock / The Wallflowers + Dana Carvey (1996-'97) Excedril,
I'm
Chillin,' The Dark Side with Nat X, Mark Russell's Election Year Comedy
Special, Charles Grodin Show, Ambiguously Gay Duo, retiring Norm
MacDonald's
Bob Dole impression, The Singing Mohan-Culps, Russell Simmons' Def
Emergency
Room Jam, Perspectives
     2 PM Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction (1997-'98) Fun With Real Audio-
Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man, news Tommy Flanagan, Late Show
with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The New York Times, The Robin
Byrd
Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!"
     4 PM Chris Farley / Mighty Mighty Bosstones + Mike Ditka
(1997-'98) Yum
Bubble Genital Herpes Gum, Morning Latte, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Martha
Stewart's Halloween, Matt Foley, Goth Talk, Sally Jessy Raphael
     5 PM Phil Hartman / Bush + Cliff Robertson + Rodney Dangerfield
(1996-'97) House of Congress, Smigeltoon : Michael Jackson, Cinder
Calhoun,
The Joe Pesci Show, The Gossip Show
     6 PM Mike Meyers / Aerosmith (1996-'97) Scottish Soccer Hooligan
weekly,
Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Coffee Talk,
Dominican Lou, Sprockets, Prematurely Gray, Tito Jackson
     7 PM Steve Martin / Sting (1987-'88) The Untouchables, "I Bite Down
Hard," Common Knowledge, The NFL Today, "I Am Not A Bimbo," Bullets Aren't
Cheap


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Fr 5/19 6 PM Family (2/21/96)
Tu 5/23 5:30 AM Family (2/21/96)
     HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 5/15 Money (4/02/97)
Tu 5/16 Race Relations (4/09/97)
     + 1:30 PM Marriage (1/04/98)
We 5/17 Supernatural (4/16/97)
Th 5/18 Politics (4/23/97)
     + 3:35 PM Sports (3/08/98)
Fr 5/19 Music (4/30/97)
Sa 5/20 Marriage (1/04/98)
Su 5/21 Hollywood (1/11/98)
     + 8:30 AM Hollywood (1/11/98)
     HBO Signature
We 5/17 9:15 AM Scandal (1/20/99)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 5/15 10:30 PM & Sa 5/20 1:30 AM "College Show" Santa gives children the
gift of liquor.


Also on late nights:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, OXYGEN
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC All Night
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC  and cybercast at
     <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
May 8-14, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Triumph spits fire

In a bizarre tour de force that chewed up 12 minutes of
national airtime, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog made a
raucous return to the airwaves Thursday night -- his
first appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
since his master, Robert Smigel, was sued by Pets.com
for defamation and trade libel.

During the "press conference" Triumph gleefully repeated his earlier
charge, the one that got Smigel sued, that the Pets.com
Sock Puppet is a blatant ripoff of himself. Triumph also
mocked Pets.com as a failing concept whose stock "is
going down faster than me on a Pekinese," and sang a
parody of The Police's "Every Breath You Take" that
included the lines, "Every joke you take/Every ripoff
you make/Every rule you break/Like a dot-com fake/I will
poop on you!"

Triumph's return had been promoted for two nights on the
show. Not accidentally, the big moment came on what is
by far NBC's most-watched night, in which Thursday's
hugely popular prime time lineup raises all the
late-night boats as well. For a lawsuit that was neither
expected by the defendant nor publicized by the
plaintiff, it has proven to be a huge boost to the
fortunes of "Late Night." As for Pets.com, the Triumph
fiasco is becoming more and more the kind of episode for
which some desperate PR person concocted the line,
"There's no such thing as bad publicity!"

After TV Barn broke the story of the Pets.com
lawsuit, the show's executive producer Jeff Ross sounded
eager to get on the air with a response as soon as NBC's
legal eagles gave his writers the go-ahead. While their
material proved to be less incendiary than Triumph's,
everyone was in on the act Thursday night. O'Brien
showed competing video clips of Triumph and "Crappy"
(the show's new handle for the Sock Puppet) pointing out
uncanny similarities between the two puppets' shtick. In
one comparison, Triumph is seen tugging on a fake hot
dog with real mutts, while "Crappy" does the same thing
using a toy burger.

But O'Brien added that there was one telling difference
between the two sock mutts: Triumph was a "pitcher"
(with accompanying video, X-rated had it involved
humans, of Triumph and two live dogs in a hotel room)
while "Crappy" was a "catcher" (video of the Sock Puppet
being licked by several live dogs).

Then O'Brien cut to the "press conference," which was
about to begin "eight feet from where I'm sitting," on
the stage that abuts the desk area inside NBC's tiny
Studio 6A.

Triumph sprang into site, to great cheers. He spoke at
first with mock solemnity, then delivered his famous
riposte using a megaphone and echo effect: "However, I
realize that I must also take responsibility for my own
actions ... for making fun of Pets.com, a great supply
company, and their puppet, a great, great puppet ... FOR
ME TO POOP ON!!!"

Even if Pets.com drops its lawsuit against Smigel, this
may not be the end of the matter. At press time, TV Barn
was in receipt of a thick sheaf of materials and a
videotape from the creators of Ed the Sock, a
foul-mouthed sock puppet from Canada who's been on the
air for a decade and considers both Triumph and "Crappy"
to be ripoffs of himself. That story next week.


***

When I wrote in a recent column that "Law & Order"
executive producer Dick Wolf had been keeping his
piehole shut regarding the V-chip -- a show-blocking
technology he passionately opposes -- it turns out he
did recently speak out against it. Albeit he spoke out
at 2 a.m. on "Later," the ultra-late-night talk show
currently hosted by VH1's Cynthia Garrett.

Wolf and Los Angeles Times TV critic Howard Rosenberg
had been invited onto the show to talk television. It
was a bit of a departure for the  normally
celebrity-obsessed NBC talk show (and it really didn't
help that Garrett kept referring to the half hour as a
"three-way," a term with nothing but unpleasant
connotations). But it was a worthwhile exchange between
producer and critic. So if it takes a toothy
30-something to make possible an interesting chat
between a couple of plus-50 white males on national TV
-- because the only other time that ever happens is when
David Letterman has Tom Brokaw on his show -- then I say
let the three-ways continue.

Anyway, toward the end of the half hour, Wolf and
Rosenberg got around to the V-chip, the one subject
where the two men plainly didn't see eye-to-eye.

Wolf: "That little chip inside your TV -- it's benign
now, but under a different administration -- if the
country got more conservative -- certain things could be
programmed out ..."

Rosenberg: "That wasn't your argument before. You said
the V-chip was censorship, which it's not ... Anything
that gives parents more control over the TV, I'm all for
... You're talking about the imperfection of the ratings
system, not the V-chip."


***


Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
tomalhe@...

	 May 8: in 1994, millions of Americans wonder why they
	 have put up with Andy Rooney for 500 of his commentaries
	 on "60 Minutes."

	 May 9: In 1979, Civil War-era crimefighters Jim West and
	 Artemus Gordon return in movie form ... albeit TV's "The
	 Wild, Wild West Revisited." Filmmaker Barry Sonnenfeld
	 immediately thinks of several ways he can ruin it with
	 his own version.

	 May 10: In 1995, "Beverly Hills 90210's" Dylan McKay
	 does a quantum leap back in time to his previous life as
	 an Old West gunslinger. (Translation: The costume
	 department got bored.) On the bright side, Dylan's
	 sideburns look almost normal in the 19th century.

	 May 11: in 1991, NBC soaps up its Saturday nights with
	 the controversial steam-room soliloquies that begin each
	 week's chronicles of the Reed "Sisters."

	 May 12: in 1987, this probably isn't what Nell Carter
	 really meant, but after six years of "Gimme A Break,"
	 NBC finally decides to give it a rest.

	 May 13: In 1991, it's celebrity time on a popular quiz
	 show. So "Murphy Brown" and the rest of the "FYI"
	 anchors prepare to take on Yale in a College Bowl type
	 show, but soon they learn how much they've forgotten
	 since their own campus days.

	 May 14: in 1997, who needs "Celebrity Deathmatch" when
	 you can watch Frank-N-Furter battle Peaches and Herb?
	 "The Drew Carey Show's" second season ends with not one,
	 but two, battling musical numbers in a dance-off to
	 determine whose midnight movie will be shown at the
	 local theater -- "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" or "The
	 Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." Drew and
	 his curiously-costumed cronies are "doing the Time
	 Warp," while Mimi and her birds of a feather opt to
	 "Shake Your Groove Thing."

	 Correction: A few weeks ago this column may have implied
	 that pop stars Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears may
	 not be "naturally curvy." What I meant to say is that
	 they are untalented. I regret possibly offending their
	 fans.

	 [Thanks to David (recent birthday) Tanny, and Brooks &
	 Marsh. Visit Tom Heald's "Test Patterns" homepage at
	 <http://www.come.to/testpattern>.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 5/8 Betty White, Hanson
Tu 5/9 John Travolta, cast of the Broadway musical "Kiss Me Kate"
We 5/10 Kelsey Grammer, Caroline Rhea
Th 5/11 Kathie Lee Gifford, Debra Messing
Fr 5/12 Richard Simmons

Mo 5/15 Gillian Anderson, Foo Fighters
Tu 5/16 Phish
We 5/17 Hugh Grant, Carly Simon
Th 5/18 Jackie Chan
Fr 5/19 Ringo Starr


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 5/8 Emilio Estevez, Connie Nielsen, Joni Mitchell
Tu 5/9 Tori Spelling, Barry Manilow
We 5/10 Joaquin Phoenix, young magicians, LeAnn Rimes
Th 5/11 Cindy Crawford, Mary J. Blige
Fr 5/12 Charlie Sheen, supercross race between Travis Pastrana and World
      Champion Jeremy McGrath

Mo 5/15 TBA
Tu 5/16 Tom Selleck, animal expert Jon Guenther
We 5/17 Judge Judy Sheindlin, Tom Green
Th 5/18 Tom Cruise, Tracey Ullman
Fr 5/19 Mad scientist David Wiley, Supergrass


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 5/8 Djimon Hounsou, Rick Harris
Tu 5/9 David James Elliot, Connie Nielsen
We 5/10 D.L. Hughley, Diamond Dallas Page
Th 5/11 Snoop Dogg and Tha Eastsidaz
Fr 5/12 Scott Weiland

Mo 5/15 Jordan Rubin
Tu 5/16 TBA
We 5/17 Leona Naess
Th 5/18 Tom Green, Shelby Lynne


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 5/8 Matt Damon, Camryn Manheim, Marshall Crenshaw (R 12/28/99)
Tu 5/9 Britney Spears, Kyle MacLachlan, Guided By Voices
We 5/10 Roma Downey, Emilio Estevez, Greg Giraldo
Th 5/11 Jerry Springer, Ethan Hawke, Supergrass
Fr 5/12 David Boreanaz, Glen Campbell

Mo 5/15 Ashley Judd, Tracy Morgan, Shelby Lynne (R 1/25/00)
Tu 5/16 Charlie Sheen, Jane Leeves, A Perfect Circle
We 5/17 Rick Schroder, Amy Brenneman, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin
Th 5/18 Sarah Michelle Gellar, Michael Rapaport
Fr 5/19 Marie Osmond, Marah


LATER, NBC
Mo 5/8 Deepak Chopra
Tu 5/9 Moby
We 5/10 David Brenner and John Henton
Th 5/11 Trisha Yearwood


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 5/8 TBA


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 5/8 Jay Mohr, Kathy Mattea, Seth Eisenberg, Shelley Long
Tu 5/9 Drew Carey, Ron Silver, Bill O'Reilly
We 5/10 Al Franken, Randy Tate
Th 5/11 Floyd Brown, Alan Dershowitz, Snoop Dogg, Lea Delaria
Fr 5/12 Ann Coulter, Gilbert Gottfried

Mo 5/15 Joey McIntyre, Dr. Drew Pinsky
Tu 5/16 Mo'Nique, Karen Finley
We 5/17 Susannah Breslin, Howie Mandel, Jeff Bridges, Jerry Harrison
Th 5/18 Bijou Phillips, Amy Alkon, Scott Weiland, Adam Carolla
Fr 5/19 Rob Schneider, Laura Innes


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 5/8 Wendi Malick
Tu 5/9 Jesse Martin
We 5/10 Andy Richter
Th 5/11 Kyle MacLachlan


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 5/8 Hammer Q-Tip
Tu 5/9 Cedric the Entertainer / Nas
We 5/10 Ananda Lewis / Kelis
      + 4:50AM Hammer Q-Tip
Th 5/11 Marion Barry / Jay-Z

CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER
      HBO
Mo 5/15 11 PM
      HBOZone
We 5/10 2 AM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Tu 5/9 Midnight Chris Matthews on "The Campaign Issues"
Fr 5/12 11:30 PM David Schwimmer on "Friends" (repeats Su 5/14 12:55 AM & HBO
Plus Mo 5/15 1:10AM)
Fr 5/19 11:30 PM "Elvis" (guest TBD)
Fr 6/2 11:30 PM Peggy Noonan on "NY Senate Race"
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 5/8 Jon Stewart on Bad Habits (4/4/97)
Tu 5/9 Phil Hartman on Immigration (4/18/97)
We 5/10 David Spade on Mothers (4/25/97)
Th 5/11 Lisa Kudrow on Computers (5/2/97)
Fr 5/12 Dana Carvey on Bill Clinton, 2nd Term (5/9/97)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 5/8 "The Matchmaker" Tim Conway, Harvey Fierstein, N Sheridan (1/8/97)
Tu 5/9 "Make a Wish" Ben Stiller, James Belushi, David Paymer (1/15/97)
We 5/10 "Artie and Angie and Hank and Hercules" Don Rickles, Angie Dickinson,
Laura Leighton (1/22/97)
Th 5/11 "The Prank" Lori Loughlin, John Stamos, Butthole Surfers, Jennette
Robbins (1/29/97)
Fr 5/12 "The Book" Dana Delany, B Kirby, Marlee Matlin, Brooke Shields
(2/5/97)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 5/13 Catherine O'Hara, George Carlin, Tony Shalhoub

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 5/8 "Peanut Butter, Eggs & Dice"
Tu 5/9 "Oh, You Men"
We 5/10 "Flat-Top Tony and The Purple Canoes"
Th 5/11 "It's Perfectly Understandishable"
Fr 5/12 "Goin' on A Holiday"

      HBO Plus
Th 5/11 5:35 AM "The Story Of Everest"


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 5/8 young actress Maggie Blake / Supergrass
Tu 5/9 actress (and mother of Kiefer Sutherland) Shirley Douglas / Mentalists
Jeff and Tessa Evason
We 5/10 TBA
Th 5/11 "ER" actor Paul McCrane / Jacksoul
Fr 5/12 Dog psychologist Lydia Hiby / Neko Case and Her Boyfriends


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 4)
Sa 5/13 9 AM


THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW, HBO Comedy
Th 5/11 11:30 AM
Sa 5/13 5 PM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 5/13 Britney Spears / Britney Spears


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 5/8 1 PM Michael Keaton / Morrisey (92-'93) Elevator Man, The Gutties, The
Set-    Up
      6 PM Luke Perry / Mick Jagger (92-'93) Chameleon XLE a practical luxury
car,    Operaman sings, Sassy's Sassiest Boys, The Magic Fish
      Midnight Sarah Jessica Parker / R.E.M. (94-'95) host sings "Tomorrow",
Eterna  Rest coffin, Good Morning Brooklyn, Confucius, The Casting Couch,
WIzard of   Oz, Michael O'Donoghue eulogy
      2 AM Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson + Michael Palin (82-'83) The
Interesting     Four, A Sense of Fear, "Thank You, Ron Reagan," Tales
Originally Written in a     Foreign Language, gory pumpkin carving
      3 AM Lily Tomlin (82-'83) Judith Beasley, Ernestine, Speaking as a Woman,
      Edith Ann, Pudge & Solomon, bag lady Trudy, Pervis Hawkins, Fantasy,
Coffees     of the World, The Web
Tu 5/9 1 PM Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney (92-'93) Dateline with Toonces,
Cluckin'    Chicken, The Mimic, The Chris Farley Show, "Red Hooded
Sweatshirt," Gap    Girls, Naked Woman Theatre
      6 PM John Travolta / Seal (94-'95) Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin
Tarantino's "Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live
      Midnight Sarah Michelle Gellar / Portishead (97-'98) Unabomber, Spice
Girls,  Glenn Close, Mars & Venus, Tara Lipinski Golords, Goth Talk, The
Robin Byrd  Show, Buffy/Seinfeld
      2 AM Jeff & Beau Bridges / Randy Newman + Lloyd Bridges + Howard
Hesseman (82-'83) Texxon Oil, Prom Night, the Casablana ski lodge, Time
magazine, Cheap Hunt, male domestic violence victim, Saundra the  masseuse,
National Organization For Women, The Web
      3 AM Joan Rivers / Musical Youth + David Susskind (82-'83) the Whiners,
Buckwheat's bodyguard tells all, The Enquirer, Oscar statuettes, Will The
Real    Joan Rivers Stand Up?, Industrial Strength Calvin Klein Jeans, E.
Doolittle,  Carribean gynocologist
We 5/10 1 PM Shannen Doherty / Cypress Hill (93-'94) Operaman, Crystal Gravy,
      The Real World, The Denise Show, Is It Date Rape?, The Relapse Guy
      6 PM Kevin Bacon / INXS (90-'91) Desert Storm press briefing, Makin'
Copies,     The Dark Side with Nat X, Daily Affirmation, Sarcastic Clapping
Family Of   Southhampton
      Midnight Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne + Rudolph Giuliani & George
Pataki (95-'96) Rita Delvecchio, The Continental, Connie Stinson Talks, Mary
Katherine Gallagher, Spade in America
      2 AM Stevie Wonder + Greg Dean (82-'83) Kannon AE-1, Cotton Land Theme
Park, Dr. Jack Badofsky on impotence, Nastassia Kinski on stardom, Dion Dion
& Blaire, Hitler's diary
      3 AM Danny DeVito / Rhea Perlman / Eddy Grant
Th 5/11 1 PM Sting (90-'91) Wayne's World, The Sinatra Group, elevator ride,
Makin'  Copies, one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken, Coffee Talk with Paul
Baldwin
      6 PM Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow + David L. Lander (96-'97) Mary Katherine
Gallagher, Suel Forrester, Fun With Real Audio - Perot & Larry King, Mickey
The     Dyke
      Midnight Paul Reiser / Annie Lennox (94-'95) Road To The Final Four,
"Jeff   Foxworthy," Daily Affirmation, Mad About You Aliens, One Brother
Restaurant,     O'Callahan & Son Pub
      2 AM John Candy / Men At Work (83-'84) Mr. Mambo, The Honeymooners,
Village of the Damned Little Rascals, Confessional Booth, Dr. Jack Badofsky
on  acne, Dr. Tongue's 3D Chicks in Their Underwear, Ronald McDonald : the
dark    side, Candace's Fantasy Shack, Poly-Rock denture cream
      3 AM Teri Garr / Mick Fleetwoods Zoo (83-'84) Cheerleaders, Mister
Robinson's  Neighborhood, Thirsty Guy contraceptive sponge, The Real Story,
Blaire & Dion   Dion kissing customer, educational film narrator Dwight
MacNamara, "Talkin'     Dopeball," caffeine achiever, Marilyn Monroe advises
JFK, Sarcastic Nun,     answers to "What's the stupidest thing you've ever
done?"
Fr 5/12 1 PM Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson (91-'92) Wayne's World, C-Span
Covers the Election
      6 PM Patrick Stewart/ Salt -N- Pepa (93-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures,
      Scottish Therapist,  sexy bathroom cakes, Love Boat : The Next
Generation,     Cosby Mysteries, Show & Tell with Joycelyn Elders, It's Not
Their Fault
      8 PM Kevin Bacon / INXS (90-'91) Desert Storm press briefing, Makin'
Copies,     The Dark Side with Nat X, Daily Affirmation, Sarcastic Clapping
Family Of   Southhampton
      9 PM Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow + David L. Lander (96-'97) Mary Katherine
Gallagher, Suel Forrester, Fun With Real Audio - Perot & Larry King, Mickey
The     Dyke
      10 PM John Travolta / Seal (94-'95) Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin
      Tarantino's "Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live
      11 PM Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell (97-'98) Oprah &
Marv    Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita Delvecchio, Car Crash
victims     who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet Reno,  Fun With
Real Audio :    Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun, Joe Pesci, Orange Julius
holdover, Planet    Hollywood fans, Lou's Lovely Daughters, Elton John's
"More Songs I Wrote To  Honor Dead People"
Sa 5/13 1 PM Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (96-'97) Big Brawn
Feminine Napkins, Roxbury Guys, Goat Boy, Spartan Spirits, Ambiguously Gay
Duo, MTV's Kincaid, Kerri & Kippy Strug, Mr. Peepers, Sing-along with the
Drunken Asses Ross Perot, "How am I funny?," Sabra Price Is Right, The Guy
Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She Turned Into Her Mother!
      4 PM Christine Baranski / The Cure + Dennis Rodman (95-'96) A.M. Ale, The
      Courtney Love Show, Barbara Walters special, Spade in America with The
Fops,   Goat Boy, Lansing phone sex
      6 PM David Duchovny / Rod Stewart + Naomi Campbell (94-'95) Beastman of
Studio 8-H, You Think You're Better Than Me?, Zagat's, New Englanders, Ricki
Lake Show
      8 PM Saturday Night Live Remembers Phil Hartman.
Su 5/14 10 AM Christina Applegate / Midnight Oil (92-'93) Coffee Talk, Nerf
Crotch  Bat, Focus On Beauty, Matt Foley, Adam Sandler's "I Love You Momma,"
Gap     Girls, The Backwards Romance, You Bet Your Life, G-Spot, Jennifer
Meyer's     "Just Married"
      11 AM & 8 PM Mother's Day Special
      2 AM Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau + Ed Koch (83-'84) Hung Like Me "starring
pee     Wee Herman" Reagan and Sammy Davis Jr., Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer on
      Unanswered Questions of the Universe, Bad Career Moves, JFK on Gary Hart,
      The Womb, how host got bumped from the first-ever SNL episode
      3 AM Robin Williams / Adam Ant + Paula Poundstone (83-'84) Bobsledders,
Buddweiser Light, Rock & Roll & then some, Wild Kingdom of Heaven, Gandhi &
the Bandit, Firing Line, The Ugly Sisters Step, Siamese twins


TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 1)
Su 5/14 10:45 PM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 5/8 Las Vegas (2/08/97)
      + 9:30 AM Las Vegas (2/08/97)
Tu 5/9 Secrets (2/17/97)
We 5/10 Childhood (2/24/97)
      + 2 PM Culture (3/01/98)
Th 5/11 1976 (3/05/97)
Fr 5/12 Food (3/12/97)
      + 6 AM Death (3/13/96)
Sa 5/13 Crime (3/19/97)
      + 2:30 PM Dating (1/13/99)
Su 5/14 Movies (3/26/97)
      + 12:35 PM Drugs (1/(1/13/99)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 5/8 10:30 PM & Sa 5/13 1:30 AM "Eating Show" It's a recipe for disorder
when The UCB tackles society's food issues : Fitness Nazis force the obese
underground, where they must eat in secret.

Also in late night:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, Oxygen
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC overnights
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC overnights and cybercast at
      <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX


Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
May 1-7, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Dave puts the "UK" back in "yuks"

Five years to the month of his appearance in London,
England, David Letterman is returning to British
television.

Letterman's "Late Show" hasn't been available to viewers
in the U.K. since the Paramount Comedy Channel pulled
the plug on Letterman last summer, citing low ratings.
But the ITV2 network has come to the rescue. Beginning
tonight it will air "Late Show" at 11:50 p.m. weeknights
on a one-show-delayed basis. Monday's telecast will
feature guests Lennox Lewis (the British world
heavyweight champion) and Natalie Portman in a program
that aired Friday on CBS.

ITV2 is available over-the-air with the ONdigital
service and via most cable operators, including Cable &
Wireless, Telewest, Cable London and Eurobell, according
to the ITV2 Web site.

But that's hardly blanketing the United Kingdom,
according to one Letterman fan in the U.K. who says ITV,
which launched ITV2 in 1998, is not offering the channel
to subscribers of its rival, Sky Digital. "Unfortunately
for me, and many other viewers, ITV2 is simply not
available," grouses viewer Dave Porter in
Northumberland.

In May 1995, Letterman went to London for what he hoped
to be the latest in an unbroken string of successful
road-show performances. He was also recovering from a
cascade of negative reviews that rained down on him a
few weeks before, following a disastrous appearance as
host of the Academy Awards.

Alas, London was no help. Letterman's five broadcasts
from England were less than warmly received on either
side of the pond. As with the Oscars disappointment,
Dave had only himself and his staff to blame: The
production stuck closely -- too closely -- to the
template used for the previous year's road shows from
Los Angeles. Unlike Jack Paar, who went to England 35
years earlier and sought out the country's finest
ranconteurs, including Robert Morley, Malcolm Muggeridge
and Bea Lillie, Letterman relied heavily on pre-taped
sketches and imported guests like David Duchovny.

"Late Show in London" scored only so-so Nielsen ratings.
Within two months Dave's ratings edge over Jay Leno
would be gone for good.


***


The unloved -- and unlovable -- V-chip

It was with a mixture of pity and contempt that I
regarded the measly display rack set up in my local
Circuit City store this week. The rack was there to tell
parents about the V-chip, the show-blocking technology
once heralded by Vice President Gore as ``a new tool ...
to help parents ensure that television reflects their
own family values.''

Unintentionally, though, the sad-looking display served
as little more than a tombstone for the V-chip --
dead-on-arrival from the moment it hit the showroom
floor.

I'm one of the few television critics in the country who
actually likes the idea of the V-chip, or more
specifically, of ``parental controls,'' electronic
gatekeepers that keep kids from TV shows they shouldn't
be watching. The V-chip has always struck me as the
perfect counterbalance to deregulation. All right,
broadcasters, go ahead and cancel the family hour.
"Springer" at 4 p.m.? Knock yourselves out. Oh, and by
the way -- we're giving parents a crude little robot
that will keep their kids from seeing most of what you
put on the air these days. Laissez les bons temps
rouler!

Hollywood, of course, didn't see it this way, and for a
couple of years there were some pretty spirited
exchanges between the entertainment industry and the
government over parental controls and TV ratings. Dick
Wolf, the producer of "Law & Order," even challenged a
then little-known senator from Nevada, John McCain, to a
public debate.

"How come none of you has talked about the irony of
Senator McCain leading the charge on protecting children
from those murderous 30-inch Sonys out there," Mr. Wolf
chided TV critics at their annual summer gathering,
"when this is a man who voted against the five-day
waiting period and voted against the Brady Bill? Don't
you think you see any kind of dichotomy here?"

What really rankled Mr. Wolf weren't the age-based
ratings that mimicked the motion-picture movie codes
("TV-PG," "TV-14," etc.). It was, rather, the
insistence from Congress that the industry also add
content-based codes: "S" for sex, "V" for violence
(not to mention V-chip), and so on. NBC and BET flatly
refused to go along with the content codes, and to this
day no one has gotten either network to budge.

"A content-based system is just another word for
censorship," harrumphed Mr. Wolf. (At the time I
wondered if Mr. Wolf thought cancellation was just
another word for censorship, too.)

But after making an initial stink about the V-chip, Mr.
Wolf and the rest of Hollywood have quietly retreated
from the issue. And that, as it turns out, was a very
smart thing for them to do.

For despite all the headlines, despite the fact that
Vice President Gore has made the V-chip a cornerstone of
his campaign, the system has practically vanished from
public view.

A poll released last month by the Kaiser Family
Foundation found that 39 percent of parents didn't even
know what the V-chip was. The next day, Gloria
Tristiani, the Federal Communications Commission's
"V-chip czar," gave one reason why: For the first
three months of 2000, the big four networks aired a
combined total of 59 public service announcements on the
V-chip. That would work out to roughly one spot per
network per week -- except that CBS aired 54 of the 59
PSAs.

"This must change," said Ms. Tristiani.

But that's just the tip of the V-chip's problems. There
hasn't been any visible effort to correct the flaws
uncovered a couple of years ago with the TV ratings
system, which is encoded into the TV signal for use by
the V-chip. It turns out that programs with explicit sex
talk or gruesome violence were often rated no higher
than a mild "TV-PG." And as for content ratings, well,
Mr. Wolf can relax: A Kaiser report in 1998 found that
92 percent of sexual content and 70 percent of violent
content weren't being labeled as such by the networks
(that number included NBC, which doesn't label content).

Have the problems been fixed? Vicky Rideout, who directs
the Kaiser Foundation's program on entertainment and
public health, told me recently that she didn't know,
because no follow-ups have been done.

In fairness to her, however, the Kaiser Foundation is
trying to put the V-chip back on the radar. Working
together with the Center for Media Education, RCA and
the Odyssey Network, the foundation launched a new
campaign April 10 to call attention to the V-chip. The
coalition reprinted 720,000 copies of an explanatory
booklet about parental controls, and Circuit City stores
nationwide  agreed to place display racks in their
stores offering the booklets.

But glancing around my local Circuit City store, I saw
more sizable and colorful display racks promoting TiVo,
DirecTV's international channels and TV Guide Plus. My
sales person was more than happy to talk about any of
these technologies, but predictably didn't know much
about parental controls.  (Adding insult to injury,
someone had affixed a TiVo placard atop the V-chip
display.)

All of which underscores the fatal flaw with Al Gore's
electronic gatekeeper: In a dot-com, multimedia world,
the V-chip is stubbornly non-convergent and unbrandable.
Internet providers market their "family filters" to
parents to help control their kids' Web surfing.
Satellite and cable TV companies tout their parental
controls in their advertising. But these are all
software-based solutions: flexible, update-able -- and
above all, promotable. The V-chip is none of these.

At a time when President Clinton is calling attention to
the widening "digital divide," the prospect of a useless
or invisible V-chip seems especially ominous. In the
multimedia household of the future, where there will be
as many video options as there are streaming-video Web
sites, parents will need content filters more than ever.
The "haves" will be able to afford them. But in the
homes of the "have nots," who will help parents close
the valve on the ever-increasing spew of profanity,
violence and sex coming from the tube?

Maybe Sen. McCain and Mr. Wolf would like to debate
that.


***


Bill behind bars

Prison -- the final frontier. If you're talk-show host
Bill Maher, and you've already exhausted your list of
B-list celebrities and "citizen panelists," your next
untapped source of future guests for "Politically
Incorrect" just might be behind bars. Maher's wish may
come true this week, thanks to celebrity sheriff Joe
Arpaio of Phoenix, who let "PI" tape five episodes last
month at the "tent city" he set up inside the Maricopa
County (Ariz.) Jail. The shows air this week on ABC
(11:35 p.m.).

Arpaio is the self-proclaimed "World's Toughest
Sheriff" for his hard-nosed treatment of inmates
(housing them in old military tents, for starters). But
a 1996 appearance on "PI" was so riddled with gaffes
that Maher at one point said Arpaio might also be the
world's stupidest sheriff.

Tonight's opening panel should give Arpaio a chance
either to redeem himself or to dig himself a little
deeper hole. He and Maher will be joined by comedian
D.L. Hughley, Maricopa inmate Stephen Russo and William
Schulz, director of Amnesty International, which has
taken issue with Sheriff Joe's incarceration methods.
Other guests this week include "Hurricane" Carter, Mike
Farrell and TV judge Greg Mathis.


***


Reader mail: We heard from a number of readers after
breaking the news this week about the Pets.com lawsuit
against comedy writer Robert Smigel. The most
interesting mail, though, came from Canada, where
several readers pointed out that their country has had
its own TV puppet named Ed the Sock for years. Ed has
been around even longer than Smigel's crude,
cigar-chomping Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.

"As soon as I started reading the stories about sock
puppets and who ripped whom off, I got thinking about
CityTV's potty-mouthed, cigar-chomping sock puppet Ed
the Sock," writes Kevin Desjardins. "Ed splits duties
between his half-hour weekly talk-show and VJ duties on
MuchMusic. All-time Ed highlights include having Jill
Hennessy serenade him with 'You Oughta Know' and his
duties as one of the hosts of MuchMusic's Woodstock '99
coverage. (Somehow, a caustic sock puppet seemed saner
than any of the humans there.)"

Craig Pinhey writes, "Ed is a Canadian TV icon that
started on local cable access in Toronto back in the
mid-late 80's. He has the funniest talk show on Canadian
TV, although it is in danger of being banned in some
places, including Alberta."

It just goes to show, doesn't it, that imitation is the
sincerest form of television. The difference between Ed
and the Pets.com Sock Puppet is that instead of suing
Triumph's owner Ed would probably just challenge the
puppet to a contest. Maybe 10 rounds of bare-knuckle
boxing -- with socks allowed, of course.

I also noted the fact that Disney had bought a 5 percent
stake in Pets.com and was booking the Sock Puppet on
various Disney-owned TV shows, including "news"
programs.

Ron Casalotti writes, "Don't forget the Sock Puppet's
uncomfortable appearance on another Disney property,
'Live with Regis & Kathie Lee.'  I characterize it as
uncomfortable because neither Regis nor Kathie Lee
seemed to know what the Sock Puppet was or have any clue
as to the commercials themselves. Both looked perplexed
for most of the 'interview.'  The voice behind the Sock
Puppet showed his lack of improvisational talent as well
when he did not know how to salvage the appearance. It
was even worse than scripted award-presenter banter."

Also regarding the Sock Puppet's "Live" appearance,
Keith Privett writes, "Is this what the tabloids are
referring to as 'the secret that saved Kathie Lee's
marriage'?"

On Thursday the 7,000 members of the TV Barn mailing
list (for details on joining, see the About TV Barn
page) received a message from the list server,
eGroups.com, promoting itself. As some of you know, I've
struggled for six months with this service, known
formerly as ONElist.com, especially its arbitrary
mangling of outgoing messages. So this piece of Spam was
the last straw. I sent out a message to the list to say
I was looking for a new list server.

As a result, I got quite a bit of feedback from readers:

Greg White: "Your diligence and your way of handling
this matter is a great trust builder for me. You can
send me anything anytime."

Tony Lima: "I came home to 4 e-mails.  One was the spam
mentioned below (thanks for letting us know where it
came from).  Another was your message.  Now that's fast
service -- can't beat it at the price!"

John Zavinski: "Even though this incident is a minor
one, I appreciate that you view it as a reflection on TV
Barn and are concerned enough to go to the trouble of
seeking a new list host."

Roy Green: "I think you're being a bit too hard on
EGroups/ONElist.  I think they provide a great service.
I myself subscribe to seven groups, and moderate
another. The communications benefits it provides far
outweighs the three or four lines at the bottom, and
even the very occasional message from EGroups, which is
advertising a FREE benefit! I think you are being a bit
insincere as well, since you should have known that
EGroups is a business that can provide this service for
free because they sell advertising."

A fellow eGroups list owner: "There are some issues I
have with this 'merge' thing (between ONElist and
eGroups) ... it sucks! They have taken groups that have
the same topic and combined them, turning them into
eGroups and confusing the owners. However, I didn't find
whatever Spam it was that was sent to be a huge thing at
all ... barely noticed it.  I'm sure you are taking it
the hardest because it's your list."

Thursday's Pick to Click (at the Web site) noted the
media's over-reliance on news "anniversaries" as a
substitute for real reporting. Michael Roy Hollihan
writes, "Here's one anniversary you didn't mention: the
25th of Dick Nixon's resignation last summer. It seemed
like a perfect occasion to reflect on the press' dogged
pursuit of the truth and a President's disgraceful and
lawless behavior. Yet the date was barely mentioned in
either print or broadcast media! It was conspicuous in
its low profile. Could it have been inconvenient that it
fell during President Clinton's own troubles? Could it
be that it would have drawn some very uncomfortable
parallels between now and then?"

Finally, Michael Jones wanted me to know that he is
absolutely not interested in purchasing that home-video
edition of the Columbine massacre that's been stirring
up a storm this week. "But if you or your readers happen
to know where I can purchase the soundtrack to the Elian
raid," he adds, "I would very much appreciate it."


***


Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
tomalhe@...

May 1: in 1997 Conan O'Brien visits Houston, Tex., where
his talk show is delayed each night until 2:40 a.m., in
search of viewers and/or fans. His journey takes him to
convenience stores, a hospital, and a bus station where
he meets "Buffalo" -- a 300-pound motorcyclist who wants
to know, "Where's the little fat dude (sidekick Andy
Richter)?"

May 2: In 1994, wedding are a TV-sweeps tradition, and
tonight's episode of "Northern Exposure" is no
different. Well, just a little different -- it's not
on-again-off-again couple Joel and Maggie tying the
knot, but the proprietors of the Sourdough Inn Bed and
Breakfast -- Erick and Ron. Cicely's controversial
ceremony-capping kiss is squelched by CBS, but squeamish
sponsor Nestle nixes its ads anyway.

May 3: In 1979, the "Castaways on Gilligan's Island" get
rescued again. (In 1978's "Rescue from Gilligan's
Island," the gang made it off, but through a series of
complications wound up trapped again on the same isle.)
This time the crew escapes the island, but as they've
gotten accustomed to island life, they decide to stick
around and run a tropical resort, the better to (a) try
and get make on the air as a regular series and (b)
attract such "Love Boat"-quality guest stars as Marcia
Wallace.

May 4: in 1973, PBS marks another first by showing
female nudity on network television. Going blue is the
cast of a TV adaptation of Bruce Jay Friedman's
off-Broadway play "Steambath." Valerie Perrine and
Shirley Kirkes are trapped in a sauna which seems more
like a "Twilight Zone"-ish afterlife for them. Also
telling their stories in the box are Bill Bixby and Herb
Edelman. God happens to be the attendant listening to
their tales and picking up the towels.

May 5: in 1993, at the end of a stunningly bad season of
episodes ripping off other TV and movie projects, NBC
decides this will be the final "Quantum Leap." Dr. Sam
Beckett leaps into a bar in the mining town of Cokesburg
on his own birthdate, Aug. 5, 1953, where he learns from
a bartender named Al (ala "Wizard of Oz") that he has
always the power to leap home.  (Series creator Don
Bellisario and star Scott Bakula both say this bartender
represents God.)  Beckett's final leap isn't home but
into the Vietnam era, where he lets his buddy Al's first
wife Beth know he's not "Missing In Action," thus saving
Al's marriage, which may have endangered his own cosmic
existence as the closing frames reveal: "(Beth) and Al
have four daughters and will celebrate their 39th
wedding anniversary in June. Dr. Sam Beckett never
returned home." (Had the network renewed the series,
viewers would have seen an alternative ending.)

May 6: in 1982, on "Diff'rent Strokes," poor Willis has
to chose between two women -- both his girlfriend (Janet
Jackson) and his stepsister Kimberly want to sing in his
band. Decisions, decisions. Well, at least it wasn't
LaToya.

May 7: In 1951, CBS offers the less fortunate a chance
to "Strike It Rich." Contestants whose sad-sack stories
are deemed "appealing" or "interesting" enough
(translation: pathetic and entertaining) by the show's
producers compete for audience affection, then for a
chance to bet portions of $30 on a series of quiz
questions. If they blow it in this round, there is
always the "Heart Line," where the home audience can
phone in offers of charity. As the show gains
popularity, some 3000 to 5000 letters pour in each week
from hopeful contestants-to-be. By 1954 several dozen of
the downtrodden have make their way to New York only to
be stranded, raising the ire of The New York City
Welfare Department.

[Thanks to Nancy Mathews, Karen Funk Blocher, Linzi
Gallacher, Stirling McQueen, David Schwartz, Steve Ryan,
Fred Wostbrock, Tim Brooks, Earle Marsh, and Alex
MacNeil. Special thanks to David Tanny. Please visit the
Test Patterns website at
http://www.come.to/testpattern>.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 5/1 David Spade, track and field athlete Marion Jones,
      Jimmy Webb & Glen Campbell
Tu 5/2 Kim Basinger, Oasis
We 5/3 Dana Carvey, Alison Krauss
Th 5/4 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Fr 5/5 Joaquin Phoenix, Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Mo 5/8 Betty White, Hanson
Tu 5/9 John Travolta, cast of the Broadway musical "Kiss Me Kate"
We 5/10 Kelsey Grammer, Caroline Rhea
Th 5/11 Kathie Lee Gifford, Debra Messing
Fr 5/12 Richard Simmons


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 5/1 Drew Carey, Amy Brenneman, Trisha Yearwood
Tu 5/2 Russell Crowe, Alan Keyes
We 5/3 Ethan Hawke, animal expert Don Antle
Th 5/4 John Travolta, Hallie Eisenberg, Reba McEntire
Fr 5/5 The Human Cannonball Family, Moby
Mo 5/8 Emilio Estevez, Connie Nielsen, Joni Mitchell
Tu 5/9 Young Magicians
We 5/10 Joaquin Phoenix, LeAnn Rimes
Th 5/11 Cindy Crawford, Mary J. Blige
Fr 5/12 Charlie Sheen, supercross race between Travis Pastrana and
      World Champion Jeremy McGrath


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 5/1 Naomi Judd, Bryan Cranston, Nick Swardson
Tu 5/2 Kirsten Dunst, Todd Rundgren
We 5/3 The Go-Go's
Th 5/4 Jane Krakowski
Fr 5/5 Dyan Cannon, Master P
Mo 5/8 Djimon Hounsou, Rick Harris
Tu 5/9 David James Elliot
We 5/10 D.L. Hughley, Diamond Dallas Page
Th 5/11 Snoop Dogg and Tha Eastsidaz


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 5/1 Winona Ryder, Marc Maron, Wilco (R 1/14/00)
Tu 5/2 Ben Savage, Travis
We 5/3 Barry White, Upright Citizens Brigade
Th 5/4 Kevin James, Denis Hammil
Fr 5/5 Peter Gallagher
Mo 5/8 Matt Damon, Camryn Manheim, Marshall Crenshaw (R 12/28/99)
Tu 5/9 Kyle MacLachlan, Guided By Voices
We 5/10 Roma Downey, Emilio Estevez
Th 5/11 Supergrass


LATER, NBC
Mo 5/1 TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 5/1 George C. Wolfe, Toni Collette, Eartha Kitt, Mandy Patinkin,
      author Ryszard Kapuscinski


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 5/1 D.L. Hughley, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, inmate Stephen Russo,
      Dr. William Schulz
Tu 5/2 John Fugelsang, inmate Lorna Hudson, inmate Tyrus Jones,
      Barbara Olson
We 5/3 David Spade, inmate Cindy Shill, inmate Freddie Mendez,
      Judge Greg Mathis
Th 5/4 Daryl Mitchell, officer Maria Martinez, Mike Farrell,
      inmate Rubin Becarra
Fr 5/5 Paul Rodriguez, inmate John Conley, James "Mad Dog" Wozniak,
      officer David R. Glee
Mo 5/8 David Cross, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, inmate Todd Stewart,
      Rubin "Hurricane" Carter
Tu 5/9 Drew Carey, Bill O'Reilly
We 5/10 Al Franken
Th 5/11 Floyd Brown, Alan Dershowitz
Fr 5/12 Ann Coulter


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 5/1 S. Epatha Merkerson
Tu 5/2 Luke Wilson
We 5/3 Julie Warner
Th 5/4 Eric Close


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 5/1  Allen Iverson / Red hot Chili Peppers
Tu 5/2  The Reverend Al Sharpton / Les Nubians
We 5/3  Iyanla Vanzant / Mobb Deep
Th 5/4 Don King / Dr. Dre
Fr 5/5 Taye Diggs / The Roots


CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER
      HBO
Th 5/4  11:55PM
      HBOZone
Su 5/7 3 AM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Tu 5/2 Midnight Frank McCourt on "Teachers"
Fr 5/5 11:30 PM Chris Matthews on "The Campaign Issues" (repeats Su 5/7 12:35
AM and Mo 5/8 1 AM on HBO Plus)
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 5/1 Dennis Hopper on Art (2/21/97)
Tu 5/2 Martin Short on Lying (3/7/97)
We 5/3 Rita Rudner on Spouses (3/14/97)
Th 5/4 Dwight Yoakam on Fashion (3/21/97)
Fr 5/5 Vincent Bugliosi on Lawyers (3/28/97)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 5/1 "Everybody Loves Larry" Jon Stewart, Elvis Costello, David Duchovny
(11/13/96)
Tu 5/2 "My Name is Asher Kingsley"Tom Poston, They Might Be Giants (11/20/96)
We 5/3 "Where is the Love?" Sally Field, Sting, Jake Johannsen, Tom Shales
(11/27/96)
Th 5/4 "Ellen, or Isn't She?" Ellen Degeneres (12/11/96)
Fr 5/5 "The New Writer" Kevin Nealon, Sarah Silverman, Shawn Colvin (12/18/96)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 5/6 Dennis Hopper, Garry Marshall and Susan Sarandon as star of "Swan: The
Movie"

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 5/1 "Now, Who Wants Ice Cream" - Sovereign nation, Mountain Douggie Part
1, Petersen Family News, Thrilling Miracles, Ernie Flies, Mountain Douggie
Part 2, Shampoo, FF Woodycocks, Independant nation games, Old Man in House
Tu 5/2 "The Biggest Failure in Broadway History" - Beating Hippe, No Adults
Allowed, New KKK, Ad awards/mob chase, Drunk Cops, Iguana, Jeepers Creepers,
Hippie Pie
We 5/3 "A Talking Junkie?!" - David acts English, Talking JInkie, New Son,
Red Balloon, Porno Shope, Ewww Girl videom Video Soul, RapThe Musical, Homage
Awards, Creeping Peeping Videos
Th 5/4 "Operation Hell On Earth" Young Superstar, Old Folks HOme, Hate Group,
News Family Anchors, Recruiters, Blam-A-Thon/Fartin Gary, Second Wind, Old
Superstar
Fr 5/5 "Heaven's Chimney" - Heaven's Chimney, Deprogramming, Heaven Tour,
Crazy Religious Beliefs, Watch Us Have Sex, Blatant Sexual Symbloism. The
Devastator, Directions, Educational Film Festival Medieval Film, Hail Satan,
Cartoon


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 5/1 actors Renee Taylor and Joe Bologna, and musical guest Jane Bunnett
Tu 5/2  Wallace Langham from the doomed Veronica's Closet and musical guest
King Cosmos
We 5/3 Carla Collins - Host of Comedy Netowrk’Äôs Chez Carla and
actress/comedienne Lea Delaria
Th 5/4 TBA
Fr 5/5 Paul Shaffer and musical guest Supreme Beings of Leisure


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 4)
We 5/3  6:20 AM
Th 5/4  2 PM


THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW, HBO Comedy
Fr 5/5  1:30 PM
Fr 5/5 10 PM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 5/6 John Goodman / Neil Young
Sa 5/13 Britney Spears / Britney Spears


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 5/1 1 PM Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd (1991-'92)
Johnny Carson's retirement, 8 monologue moves, Earthies,
Making Copies, The Chris Farley Show, Community College
Bowl 6 PM David Duchovny / Rod Stewart + Naomi Campbell
(1994-'95) Beastman of Studio 8-H, You Think You're
Better Than Me?, Zagat's, New Englanders, Ricki Lake
Show; Midnight Pamela Lee / Rollins Band + Tommy Lee
(1996-'97) Spartan Spirits, Tiger Woods Biography,
Roxbury Guys, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Oprah,
Larry King 2 AM Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More
(1980-'81) Reagan & Sinatra, Don't Look In The
Refrigerator, Phil Lively, Tennessee Williams, The
Rocket Report : "How scary is Central Park?," Paulie
Herman, Big Brother, "Sweet Hearts," Pinky & Leo Waxman,
King Kong date, Vickie shuns Debbie 3 AM Bill Murray /
Delbert McClinton (1980-'81) Host and Eddie Murphy team
up, Formula for the Good Life, Revisions, Altered
Walter, Newsline, Sammy Davis, Jr. "Chapstick,"  host
awards the cast Oscars, Nick "Rivers" floats down the
Mississippi, "Cut Flowers," "we're not sleeping with
Mary Cunningham," what's our cat's name?, Bubba &
Fayetta
Tu 5/2 1 PM John Malkovich / Billy Joel (1993-'94) Erik
& Lyle Menendez, Theatre Stories, McIntosh Post-it Notes
6 PM Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos (1995-'96) Nightline, The
Fops, Joe Pesci Show, Literary Theatre, Joe Blow,
Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Bill Brasky Midnight
Matthew Broderick / Natalie Merchant & Tenacious D +
Regis Philbin (1996-'97) Ladies' Man, The View, Pretty
Living, Celine Dion, Tony Blair 2 AM Rod Stewart & Tina
Turner (1981-82) NBC- "Our Age Is Showing," Little
Richard Simmons, The Khaddaffi Look, Nuns on the beach,
A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney, "Prose & Cons," Tom
Snyder does the Tomorrow Show in Spanish, Juggling 3 AM
Bernadette Peters / The Go-Go's / Billy Joel (1981-'82)
Texxon- "Where Life Is Second Only To Money," Johnny
Keep Your Gun Clean, Escape From Escape From New York &
Escape From New York, New York, I Married A Monkey,
Eddie Murphy on the importance of a good education,
Hidden Photo, "Man Ray & Mic," Murphy and Piscopo fight
over introducing Billy Joel, 42nd Street, Nick the Knock
We 5/3 1 PM Nicholas Cage / Bobby Brown (1992-'93) Woody
Allen, Canis cologne for dogs, Nightline, Naming the
Baby, The Queen Shenequa Show 6 PM Gabriel Byrne /
Alanis Morissette + Bill Bradley & Lamar Alexander +
Chrissie Hynde (1995-'96) trick-or-treating, Mary
Katherine Gallagher, Cooking With Keith Richards, Spade
in America Midnight Martin Lawrence / Crash Test Dummies
(1993-'94)Jeff Gillooly, Daily Affirmation, Hollywood
Minute, Thugs 2 AM Tim Curry / Meat Loaf & The Neverland
Express + Gale Gordon + Bryant Gumbel (1981-'82) Texxon-
"We got Karen Silkwood, we'll get creep at SNL who
writes these," Stepin Fetchit, TransEastern, Ronald
Reagan's illegitimate son, "reach out & touch" elderly
couple to talk with kidnapped son,  Mick!, Prince
Charles & pregnant Princess Di, Piscopo welcomes Bryant
Gumbel to the Today show Raheem Abdul Muhammed on the
Moral Majority's, "The Zucchini Song" 3 AM James Coburn
/ Lindsey Buckingham + Marc Weiner (1981-'82) Sinatra
salutes the president, I Married A Monkey, Mister
Robinson's Neighborhood, Jesus in Blue Jeans, signs the
host is gay, Raheem Abdul Muhammed on diversity on TV,
Dan Rather vs. 60 Minutes, The Khaddaffi Look, Unique
Perspectives, Those Crazy Taboosters
Th 5/4 1 PM Joe Mantegna / Vanilla Ice (1990-'91) I'm
not Joe Montana, Nightline, the first Superfans sketch,
I'm Chillin', Insane Inventors, Officer Miller, Bad Idea
Jeans 6 PM Claire Danes / Mariah Carey (1997-'98) The
View, The Singing Mohan-Culps, The Ambiguously Gay Duo,
Tinkerbell, Joe Blow news, Mr. Peepers Midnight Anthony
Edwards / Foo Fighters (1995-'96) Swabby, Grimaldi's
nativity scene, The Joe Pesci Show, Mary Katherine
Gallagher, G-Dog, Spade in America, Princess Di
interview, The Hulk Hogan Talk Show!!! 2 AM Danny DeVito
/ Sparks +  Christopher Lloyd, Marilu Henner, Tony
Danza, Judd Hirsch + Julia DeVito (1981-'82) Louie
DePalma blows up ABC, The Whiners on an airplane, Stress
Test, Dr. Jack Badofsky on rabies, Lou Grant's weather
report, Solomon & Pudge, Enzo mouthwash, America is
turning gay, Table Talk, Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler
wrestle, Looks At Books, host's mom curses out ABC 3 AM
Olivia Newton-John (1981-'82) Paulette Clooney, Sinatra
& Stevie Wonder, I Married A Monkey, Juggling, Graham
Chapman halts sketch about Hitler at pearly gates,
unpopular girls vs. bad girls, Sports Organ Classics,
The Clams
Fr 5/5 1 PM Rosie O'Donnell / James Taylor + Casey Kasem
(1993-'94) The Packwood Diaries, Sinatra Duets, Daily
Affirmation, Dick Clark's receptionist, The Tomboy & The
Sissy, Tom Schiller's "Will Work For Food" 6 PM Jeff
Daniels / Lusicous Jackson (1994-'95) Newt Gingrich's
Contract with America, Connie Chung, Ron Wood,
Marquerite Simpson's "You Gotta Be," Film Beat, Gay
Stripper Theater 8 PM Roseanne / Green Day + Rip Taylor
(1994-'95) - Rude Rescue 911, Civil War Memories, Funny
Strange vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up 9 PM Tom Hanks / Bruce
Springsteen (1992-'93) Ross Perot, "How am I funny?,"
Sabra Price Is Right, The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere
Fan Club, She Turned Into Her Mother!! 10 PM Danny
Devito / Bon Jovi (1992-'93) Amy Fisher, Gap Girls,
Mafia Wife 11 PM David Alan Grier / Silverchair
(1995-'96) Nightline, the Rocky Roads, The Today Show,
Three Wise Men, Lenny The Lion, Wake Up & Smile, Spade
in America, Black People, Perspectives Midnight Saturday
Night Live Goes Commercial
Sa 5/6 4 PM David Hyde Pierce / Live (1994-'95) Amazin'
Laser, Tales Of Little Women, Scottish Soccer Hooligan
Weekly, Perspectives, Internet sex, Movie News 6 PM
Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson (1993-'94) - Coffee
Talk, Eych!, Wayne Campbell on Melrose Place, Sandler
sings "Summer Love," Andy Rooney, Orgasm Guy, "So Long,
Farewell"
Su 5/7 2 AM David Carradine / Linda Ronstadt & cast of
The Pirates of Penzance (1980-'81) host sings "I Wanna
Be A Dancin' Man," Gun City, Caine gets fashion advice,
Vickie & Debbie, The Rocket Report : Homeless Santa, Bob
Dylan & ailing Woody Guthrie, Dallas : The Home Version,
Mr. Bill's Christmases Past, Kung Fu Christmas, visiting
Harlem, Dopenhagen & Happy Daze instead of lighting up,
mourning Colonel Sanders, "The Dancing Man" 3 AM Flip
Wilson / Stevie Nicks (1983-'84) Geraldine, Solomon &
Pudge, Agent J, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "Truly Tasteless
Jokes,"  the Cabbage Patch Cookbook


TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 1)
We 5/3  9:30 PM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO
Th 5/4 2 PM Family (2/21/96)
Su 5/7 2:30 PM Family (2/21/96)
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 5/1 Vanity (3/06/96)
      + 11:30 AM Vanity (3/06/96)
Tu 5/2 Death (3/13/96)
We 5/3 12 PM Health (3/20/96)
We 5/3 Health (3/20/96)
Th 5/4 10: Fame (3/27/96)
      + 11:30 AM Fame (3/27/96)
Fr 5/5 Sex (1/18/97)
Sa 5/6 Fantasy (1/25/97)
Su 5/7 Mothers (2/2/97)
      HBO Plus
We 5/3 9:30 PM Royalty (2/14/96)
Sa 5/6 5:35 AM Royalty (2/14/96)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 5/1 10:30 PM & Sa 5/6 1:30 AM "Band Show" Chaos rules
when the UCB unplugs the music industry: The world's
ugliest rock stars unveil their music videos.


Also in late night:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, Oxygen
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC overnights
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC overnights and cybercast at
      <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX


Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
------------------------
SPECIAL MIDWEEK EDITION
April 25, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


THE SOCK THAT ROARED

Internet pet-supply startup Pets.com is accustomed to
breaking new ground.  First in its sector to raise
venture capital and go public. First to buy commercial
time during the Super Bowl. And now, first to sue a TV
comedy writer for making fun of its "spokespuppet."

In a complaint filed April 12 in U.S. District Court in
San Francisco, and obtained by TV Barn, the e-tailer is
charging Robert Smigel, the former head writer on "Late
Night with Conan O'Brien," with defamation and trade
libel for disparaging the sock puppet that is the center
of the company's $20 million marketing campaign.

Smigel, as fans of "Late Night" well know, is the author
and voice of a foul-mouthed rubber hand puppet named
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, whose favorite punchline
is "... for me to poop on," as in, "This is a fine
lawsuit ... for me to poop on!"

Among other appearances, Triumph was featured during the
program's fifth anniversary special in 1998 and brought
down the house at NBC's upfront presentation to
advertisers last spring.

In effect, Pets.com is charging Smigel with using his
sock puppet to defame their sock puppet.

And no, I'm not making this up. The 15-page complaint is
in my hands, filed by the San Francisco law firm of
Crosby, Heafey, Roach & May and assigned to district
judge Charles R. Breyer. It asks for unspecified damages
and legal costs from Smigel.

"In an attempt to harm the Sock Puppet's audience appeal
and market share, and to increase Triumph's popularity
through a public 'controversy' or 'scandal,' Defendant
(Smigel) has claimed on national television, the
Internet and in print media that Pets.com stole the idea
and creation for its Sock Puppet from Defendant and that
the Pets.com Sock Puppet is a 'rip-off' of Triumph," the
suit alleges.

Pets.com also believes that Triumph's attacks on its
mascot created "an undesirable, unwholesome and unsavory
mental association" with its Sock Puppet in the minds of
consumers.

Smigel -- through his friend Jeff Ross, the executive
producer of "Late Night" -- declined comment. But Ross,
upon hearing of the lawsuit, told TV Barn, "You want my
first comment? I think it's hysterical."

But another passage in the complaint suggests that this
is more than a stupid Pets.com trick. The plaintiff
alleges that Smigel "has threatened a lawsuit for
trademark infringement, unfair competition, trademark
dilution and tortious interference with contract
directly against Pets.com by letter sent to Pets.com in
California."

No one has made public a copy of Smigel's letter to
Pets.com -- but given his reputation for sometimes
over-the-edge comedy, one wonders if the pet-supply
people aren't mistaking a slam for slander.

Besides his occasional appearances on "Late Night,"
Smigel contributes a sharp-edged cartoon to "Saturday
Night Live." One of them, in 1997, mocked NBC's parent
company General Electric so mercilessly that "SNL's"
executive producer Lorne Michaels had it pulled when the
episode was repeated later in the season. But Michaels
never suggested he had legal motives for his action, and
afterward Smigel licensed the censored video to the
media watchdog FAIR, which used it as a premium to
new members.

Pets.com bases much of its case on appearances made last
month by Smigel and current "Late Night" head writer
Jonathan Groff on "The Daily Show," "Inside Edition" and
the New York Daily News Web site. On each of these, the
two men (and Triumph) claim that the Sock Puppet is a
pale copy of Triumph.

But judging from one of the segments -- airing on the
March 16 "Inside Edition" -- the allegations seem to
have been intended to be taken with a grain of salt.
Groff even jokes that Triumph is more upset about the
Pets.com TV ads than is Smigel.

Boosted by $57.8 million in financing from e-tailing
giant Amazon.com, Pets.com (ticker: IPET) is seeking to
dominate the online pet-supply business, even as many
analysts are saying the sector is due for a shakeout.
Pets.com collected just $5.8 million in its first year
of business while racking up losses of $61.8 million,
and has seen its stock price fall from $14 a share
(shortly after the company went public in February) to
its current level of $3.13 a share at the close of
trading Monday.

The slogan of Pets.com is "Because pets can't drive."
Our furry friends can't talk, either, or else they might
have a thing or two to say about this line from the
opening paragraph of Pets.com vs. Smigel: "The Pets.com
Sock Puppet was created to be the voice of pets and an
advocate of pets, expressing to pet owning families --
children and adults alike -- the way pets feel about a
wide variety of pet-related issues."

The Sock Puppet has already been a source of
controversy. Last month the New York Times reported that
shortly after the Walt Disney Co. bought a 5 percent
stake in Pets.com, the Sock Puppet started making
"guest" appearances on a number of Disney-owned media
outlets, including three affiliated with ABC's news
division: "Good Morning America" (where he sang to
co-host Diane Sawyer), "Nightline" and the Mr. Showbiz
Web site, which doubles as the entertainment page of
ABCNews.com.

Viewers were never told that Disney had a financial
stake in Pets.com. Nor, apparently, was the media: A
March 20 press release sent to TV Barn promoting the
Sock Puppet's appearance on Mr. Showbiz makes no mention
of Disney's investment.

This is not the first time individuals connected with
"Late Night" have been sued, either. During the show's
first season, a "Clutch Cargo" sketch featured
likenesses of celebrities Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg
following their "blackface" appearance at the Friars'
Club. But it wasn't Ted or Whoopi that got mad -- it was
comedian Red Buttons, whose name was mentioned during
the sketch. Buttons slapped $20 million lawsuits on
O'Brien, Michaels, Ross and the NBC network. A judge
later dismissed the cases.

Wouldn't the Pets.com lawsuit be a juicy target for
Groff and his writing team at "Late Night"? Of course,
said Ross -- but he'd have to consult NBC's legal eagles
first. The fact that only Smigel is named in the suit
may hinder the show from making fun of it.

Here are samples of Triumph's wisdom, taken from his
appearance at last year's NBC upfront presentation:

     * On new NBC executive Garth Ancier's previous job at
the WB: "I've got worms in my stool that have shows on
the WB!"
     * On the returning NBC comedy "Veronica's Closet": "Is
that poop still on the air? Are you kidding me? Whose
leg did Kirstie Alley have to hump to get that?"
     * On network relations: "Oh yeah, the affiliates are
really happy with NBC! I read all about that
compensation thing. You guys are getting it doggy-style
from the network!" (Conan O'Brien: "You've got the wrong
idea, Triumph -- we're one big happy family at NBC."
Triumph: "Oh yeah, and I'm banging Lassie!")


Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Apr. 24-30, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


So this is how Earth Day 2000 ends: not with a bang but
a whimper. In the 48 metered market overnights, the
controversial ABC News special "Planet Earth 2000,"
featuring an oh-so-brief exchange between President
Clinton and special correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio, came
in dead last, rating just a 3.5 with a 7 share in its
first half hour, falling off to a 3.0 and 6 share in the
second and getting soundly beaten by two episodes of
"Cops" on Fox and "Early Edition" on CBS. (The "fast"
national ratings, which offer some insight into the
night's appeal among key viewing groups like adults ages
18-49, will be available Monday.)

Was anybody really surprised by this?  ABC hasn't had a
hit on Saturday nights since "The Commish" went off the
air.  Occasionally the network sends programs there to
die ("Nothing Sacred," "Cupid," etc.).  Nor was it
terribly shocking that of three special programs related
to the 30th anniversary of Earth Day -- the other two
were last week's edition of "Frontline" and Sunday's
edition of "Earth Matters" on CNN -- ABC's was by far
the least informative as well as the most superficial
and visually tricked-up. (My "Frontline" review appeared
April 18 and is available at the TV Barn Web site.)

Perhaps ABC sought the interview with the president
because it knew that the demands of commercial
television would undermine any attempts by Elizabeth
Vargas and Chris Cuomo to explain anything to viewers.
(DiCaprio's contribution was minimal at best, supplying
openings for a couple of segments reported by the real
news people.) Even the greenhouse effect, a topic that
ought to be easy enough to grasp, was bungled by "Planet
Earth 2000," with way too many rapid-fire visuals making
it impossible to follow the reporter's voice over, while
a shockingly poor-quality animated graphic added
nothing.

Perhaps to salve its conscience, ABC dropped in a few
feel-good tips for how we can make the Earth a cleaner,
greener place to live. Wouldn't it be great if we all
car-pooled more?

There's no doubt which network (ABC, CNN or PBS)
expended the most resources gathering its special: ABC
sent crews to New Mexico, Alaska, Key Largo and Atlanta
-- not to mention the White House and DiCaprio's
favorite boyhood frog pond, where the hunky actor sat on
a rock and spoke his lines to the camera.  Yet it was
CNN's program that had the most worldlywise feel. "Earth
Matters" used existing footage to cobble together the
stories of the six winners (from as many continents) of
this year's Goldman Prize for environmental activism
(http://www.goldmanprize.org). CNN arguably took the
most controversial stance by singling out Coca-Cola, a
company in its own backyard, for failing to use recycled
material in its single-serv 20-ounce bottles. And its
analysis of the boom in casino barges along
Mississippi's fragile Gulf Coast intelligently sifted
through the complicated interactions between government,
the state's Native American population and its
non-native population.

No such luck from ABC, which bumbled its way through a
similar segment featuring the Inuit people who live near
the Arctic Circle. Short on facts but high on local
opinion, this segment showed Cuomo being whisked around
the frozen tundra, stopping every now and then to grab
pearls of wisdom from Inuit chosen at random. One
wizened old fella tells Cuomo, "Even if you try to
predict the weather tomorrow, it doesn't happen." It's
the end times, I tell ya!

Not that the scientists collared by ABC sounded any
smarter. One pointy-head shared with us this powerful
insight: "In some cases, the environment does you in."
No kidding. I suppose next you're going to say smoking
and bad diet -- in some cases -- will do you in.

As for Leo and Bill's exchange, it was chopped down to
under three minutes and felt like it. The constraints
may not have been to make the program's running time so
much as to limit the network's p.r. exposure. I noticed,
however, that ABC was careful to include the part where
DiCaprio tells Clinton, "As you know, I'm neither an
politician nor a journalist ..."


***


Elian Live
by Harrison Wyman

The Elian Gonzalez story is a classic study of things
turned upside-down.  Members of Miami's Cuban-American
community, one of the most patriotic and law-abiding of
America's immigrant groups, were willing to defy the
United States government in the streets of Miami.
Pro-family social conservatives supported not returning
a child to his father in the belief that resisting a
Communist dictator was more important than basic
parental rights.  Liberal politicians -- regularly
labeled indifferent if not hostile to "traditional
family values" -- were the most solid supporters of
returning a child to his father and homeland, regardless
of the danger of the child being used as a political
pawn by Fidel Castro.

And, in the ultimate reversal of live TV's dominant role
in bringing unfolding events into millions of homes, it
was stop-action, still photography that defined the
climax of this  emotional, complex and confusing story.
One photo was the most wrenching and the all-too perfect
depiction of what everyone on either side of the
Gonzalez controversy feared. An AP photographer inside
the home during the predawn raid snapped a picture of a
heavily armed and armored INS agent, seemingly holding a
gun on a terrified child in the arms of a terrified
adult.  The live and endlessly replayed video of Elian
being rushed out of the house in Little Havana, hustled
into a minivan and driven away amid chaos and clouds of
pepper spray paled in comparison to that one stark
photo.  One picture overwhelmed an army of minicams and
satellite trucks.

NBC News first aired the stunning photo of Elian and the
INS agent at 6:22 a.m.  About 25 minutes later CNN was
the first to point out that the INS agent did not have
his finger on the trigger of the gun and that the
weapon's barrel was pointed down and away from the child
and the adult holding him. Despite those facts being
repeated during the morning's coverage, nothing could
reduce the emotional impact of that one photo.

The other photo, of a happy Elian in the arms of his
father, was either testimony to the incredible
resilience of children in crisis or the realization that
one picture is worth a public relations nightmare.  A
series of photos of a smiling Elian playing with his
Cuban family were released by the government shortly
after father and child were reunited.  Those photos
might have blunted, but did not stop, the torrent of
criticism of Attorney General Janet Reno's handling of
this chapter of the Gonzalez case.

A final piece of topsy-turvy was added on Saturday
night's special edition of "Larry King Live" on CNN. New
York City Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, under fire for a
series of police shootings of unarmed civilians,
criticized Reno, describing the events of early Saturday
morning as an excessive use of "military" force.


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
tomalhe@...

	 April 24: in 1989, Who's the leader of the club that's
	 made for you and me? B-R-I-T-N-E-Y 'N-S-Y-N-C? The
	 Disney Channel unleashes a third generation of "The
	 Mickey Mouse Club" upon the world, though it's now only
	 "MMC." The show doesn't turn into a star-maker until its
	 fourth season with the additions of future "Felicity"
	 actress Keri Russell and 'NSYNC-er JC Chasez. Season 6
	 brings Ryan Gosling ("Young Hercules"), fellow 'NSYNC
	 cohort Justin Timberlake, and future implant recipients
	 Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears.

	 April 25: in 1986, Harvey Korman and Valerie Perinne
	 have moved on up to the West Coast, and the New Jersey
	 couple are battling their new in-laws and just trying to
	 fit in as "Leo & Liz In Beverly Hills." The series
	 (written, directed, and co-produced by Steve Martin)
	 made its official debut in October 1985 as "The Couch,"
	 one of several pilots presented on the CBS anthology
	 series "George Burns Comedy Week." Carrie Fisher and
	 Bronson Pinchot, who had minor roles on "The Couch,"
	 have disappeared by tonight's broadcast.

	 April 26: in 1991, ABC hatches "Dinosaurs" with a
	 flashback to the events leading to the birth of breakout
	 character Baby Sinclair. "I'm the baby, gotta love me."
	 When Earl (voice of Stuart Pankin) can't afford to buy
	 his Allosaurus wife Fran new cookware, he asks for a
	 raise and is summarily fired by Wesayso boss Sherman
	 Hemsley. He's later rehired, with a new supervisor --
	 escaped "dinner creature" Arthur Rizzo, voiced by Brian
	 Henson, who's now running the Henson Company for his
	 late father.

	 April 27: in 1969, producers Jay Ward ("Bullwinkle") and
	 Bill Scott are in luck when the networks start clamoring
	 for full color animation. While their competitors had
	 been producing cartoons in shades of black and white for
	 proper monochrome TV reception, Ward and Scott create
	 their cartoons in living color. So when ABC asks for
	 another show, all they have to do is take the negatives
	 for 39 episodes of "Dudley Do-Right of the Canadian
	 Mounties" out of the vaults and -- viola! -- "Dudley
	 Do-Right" gets his own show.

	 April 28: In 1979, Paul Benjamin, Diahann Carroll, Ruby
	 Dee, Roger E. Mosley, Esther Rolle, and Constance Good
	 star in the powerful tale "I Know Why the Caged Bird
	 Sings." The CBS made-for-TV movie is adapted by its
	 author, Maya Angelou. Meanwhile on ABC, you can watch
	 the last airing of the gripping racial comedy "What's
	 Happening!!"

	 April 29: In 1961, Roone Arledge launches a weekly
	 newsmagazine featuring sports of all sorts, with
	 coverage of the Drake relays from Des Moines and
	 Philadelphia's Penn Relays. "ABC's Wide World of Sports"
	 is literally off and running, providing the world a much
	 needed showcase for footage of clueless skiers, sumo
	 wrestlers, and (every few weeks) the hijinks of the
	 Harlem Globetrotters.

	 April 30: in 1949, ABC signs radio sensation Clayton
	 Moore to a contract by offering a wagonload of silver --
	 $750,000 -- for a year's worth of episodes as "The Lone
	 Ranger" in what the network calls "the television
	 development of the year." Moore's TV show will debut on
	 September 15th, run for eight seasons and return to the
	 airwaves in cartoon form in both 1966 and 1980.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Steven Lance, Brooks, Marsh
	 McNeil and the June Taylor Dancers. Tom Heald's Test
	 Patterns wastes bandwidth at
	 <http://www.come.to/testpattern>.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 4/24 Jeff Foxworthy, Vertical Horizon
Tu 4/25 Kristen Johnston, Live
We 4/26 Dennis Quaid, Smashing Pumpkins
Th 4/27 Salma Hayek, Ray Romano
Fr 4/28 Natalie Portman, Lennox Lewis
Mo 5/1 David Spade, Marion Jones
Tu 5/2 Kim Basinger, Oasis
We 5/3 Dana Carvey, Alison Krauss

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 4/24 Kathleen Madigan, LeAnn Rimes
Tu 4/25 Matthew McConaughey, Vinessa Shaw, Toni Braxton
We 4/26 Arsenio Hall, Aaliyah, Melissa Joan Hart


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 4/24 Al Franken, Gary Valentine
Tu 4/25 Molly Price, Omar Epps
We 4/26 Elizabeth Perkins
Th 4/27 Jeff Foxworthy


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 4/24 Sarah Jessica Parker, Robert Wagner, Carlton Fisk (R)
Tu 4/25 Lucy Lawless, Michael Palin, Cypress Hill
We 4/26 Harvey Keitel
Th 4/27 Bob Costas, Kristen Johnston
Fr 4/28 Heather Graham, Julie Warner, Dido
Mo 5/1 Rerun TBA
Tu 5/2 Travis


LATER, NBC
Lineups N/A


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Lineups N/A


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 4/24 Michael Colyar, Tempestt Bledsoe, Chad Lowe
Tu 4/25 Reno Collier, Peggy Lipton
We 4/26 Guy Torry


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Lineups N/A


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBO
Su 4/30 12:55 AM Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean (of The Fugees) (9/19/97)
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 4/24 Activist Ward Connerly and comedian Don "D.C." Curry (11/6/98)
Tu 4/25 D.L. Hughley and musical rappers Outkast (10/9/98)
We 4/26 Adam Sandler and musical guest Faith Evans (10/27/98)
Th 4/27 Magic Johnson and rapper Method Man (11/13/98)
Fr 4/28 San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown


DAVID CROSS: THE PRIDE IS BACK, HBO Comedy
Su 4/30 9:45 PM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Fr 4/28 11:30 PM Frank McCourt on "Topic TBA" (rerun Su 4/30 11 PM on HBO
Plus)
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 4/24 Charlton Heston on Gun Control (1/17/97)
Tu 4/25 Laura Dern on The Afterlife (1/24/97)
We 4/26 John Lithgow on UFO's (1/31/97)
Th 4/27 Chevy Chase on White People (2/7/97)
Fr 4/28 Rosie O'Donnell on Parenting (2/14/97)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 4/24 "Larry's Big Idea" Courteney Cox David Letterman (10/25/95)
Tu 4/25 "Beverly and the Prop Job"Paul Mooney, Victoria Principal (11/1/95)
We 4/26 "0.409" John Stamos, Shawn Colvin (11/8/95)
Th 4/27 "Eight" Rosie O'Donnell, k.d. lang, Mandy Patinkin, Noah Wylie, Ryan
O'Neal, Farrah Fawcett, George Segal, Pat O'Brien, F De Cordova (11/15/95)
Fr 4/28 "Larry's On Vacation"Gloria Steinem, Sandra Bernhard, Julianna
Margulies (11/22/95)
      HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 4/26 "Being There" (8/18/93); "Performance Artist" Roseanne & Tom Arnold,
Jay Leno, Tim Miller, George Segal (8/25/93)


THE LATE SHIFT, HBO
Sa 4/29 2:45 PM


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 4/29 David Arquette, wrestler "Sting / Goo Goo Dolls

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 4/24 "What to Think" w/ Janeane Garafolo - Arts runding, Tracking collar,
Ole Swerdlow, Books for seniors, Good News, Jesus and Marshall,
Announcements, Commercials of the Future, The Joke The Musical
Tu 4/25 "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Porn Titles,
Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints, Borden Grote,
Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival
We 4/26 "Who Let You In" - Popemobile Chase, Nils' Guitar Shop, Imminent
Death Syndrome, Trial of the Millennium, Spank, Founding Fathers, Museum,
Watching Murder
Th 4/27 "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop" - Charity Blind Gary, Subway,
Donut Shop, Megaphone madness, Greenlight gang, Coupon, The Trial, CouponThe
Movie, Credits testimonial
Fr 4/28 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some
Rat Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal
Su 4/30 3:55 AM The Best of Mr. Show with Bob & David


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 4/24 singers Dawn Robinson (ex-En Vogue, Lucy Pearl), Ali Shaheed ("A
Tribe Called Quest"), and Raphael ("Tony! Toni! Tone!"), Oncologist Dr.
Robert Buckman, musical guest Goldfinger
Tu 4/25 Shakespearean actor Juan Chioran, Karen von Hahn (Life Network's "The
Goods"),  musical guest The Tigerlillies
We 4/26 Richard Karn ("Home Improvement"), David Gale & Barbara Hauer (Host
of a new show about cooking with grannies and a granny), musical guest jamie
Warren
Th 4/27 Comic Jamie Hutchinson, musical guest Barra MacNeils
Fr 4/28 actress Marina Orsini ("Johnny" and CTV,Aeos "Dr. Lucille: The Luculle
Teasdale Story"),  commercial actor Jeff Douglas


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 3)
Th 4/27 9:30 PM


THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW, HBO Comedy
Tu 4/25 8 AM
Tu 4/25 4:45 PM
Sa 4/29 11 AM
Sa 4/29 3:30 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 4/29 Julianna Margulies / DMX (r- 2/12/00) A Message from Hillary Rodham
Clinton, ER/Law & Order monologue, Litter Critters, Dinner with the
Robins...er, Blakes, E! Fashion World,
Simmuhduhnuh at Augusta General, Crocodile World, Erectile
Dysfunction/Tootsie Rolls, Savin' It with Jessica Simpson, The Bloater
Brothers try to pick up, William Shatner for Priceline.com
Sa 5/6 John Goodman / Neil Young (new)


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 4/24 1 PM Nicholas Cage / Bobby Brown (1992-'93) Woody Allen, Canis
cologne for dogs, Nightline, Naming the Baby, The Queen Shenequa Show;  6 PM
Quentin Tarantino / The Smashing Pumpkins (1995-'96) BugOff, The Spartan
Spirits, Stan Hooper bible expert, Directors on Directing, The Fops, Leg Up,
Spade in America, All Aboard!;  Midnight Kirstie Alley / Tom Petty & The
Heartbreakers + Ted Danson, Woody Harrelson, George Wendt, Kelsey Grammer
(1992-'93) The Friendly Italians, Coffee Talk, It's Pat!, Look Who Else Is
Talking Also
Tu 4/25 1 PM Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon (1992-'93) -
Larry King Live, Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With Dennis
Miller," Sunday Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt;  6 PM David Alan Grier /
Silverchair (1995-'96) Nightline, the Rocky Roads, The Today Show, Three Wise
Men, Lenny The Lion, Wake Up & Smile, Spade in America, Black People,
Perspectives;  Midnight Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row (1991-'92) William
Kennedy Smith jurors, "How To Handle A Woman," Daily Affirmation, Kiddie
Metal, All Things Scottish
We 4/26 1 PM Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors + Robert DeNiro & Martin Scorsese
(1992-'93) - Presidential debate, Pinky Ring, Single White Person (with
Pat!), Zorida;  6 PM Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne + Rudolph Giuliani &
George Pataki (1995-'96) Rita Delvecchio, The Continental, Connie Stinson
Talks, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Spade in America;  Midnight Jeff Daniels /
Color Me Badd (1991-'92) Johnny Carson's retirement, 8 monologue moves,
Earthies, Making Copies, The Chris Farley Show, Community College Bowl
Th 4/27 1 PM Christopher Walken / Arrested Development (1992-'93) Jiffy
Express, Sinead Talks, Pat;  6 PM Danny Aiello / Coolio + Larry Brown
(1995-'96) Inside Politics, The Kevin Franklin Show, Althea, Spade in
America, Martha Stewart Living;  Midnight Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox
(1991-'92) Stand-Up & Win, Operaman, EBS Test, Elijah the Prophet, Lank
Thompson, I'm Chillin'
Fr 4/28 1 PM Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen (1992-'93) Ross Perot, "How am I
funny?," Sabra Price Is Right, The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She
Turned Into Her Mother!!;  6 PM Tom Arnold / Tupac (1995-'96) The Life We
Lead, Joe Blow, Adam Sandler sings about his grandmother, Miracles of Science
w/Braniac;  10 PM Rob Lowe / Spice Girls + Joe Pesci & Robert DeNiro
(1996-'97) Nightline, Joe Pesci Show, Food, Sex, or Cars?!, Goth Talk,
X-Presidents, Mickey The Dyke's new Ellen-inspired lesbian shows,
Perspectives, La Politica Non Correcto;  11 PM Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner +
Howard Stern (1996-'97) Late Show with David Letterman, Roxbury Guys, Mary
Katherine Gallagher, Fun With Real Audio- Tom Snyder, The Gossip Show Long
Island phone sex, Don & Reggie, Bill Brasky
Sa 4/29 1 PM Charles Barkley / Nirvana (1993-'94) Clinton Health Plan, Daily
Affirmation, Coffee Talk, Deep Thoughts, Gap Girls;  4 PM Kevin Bacon / INXS
(1990-'91) Desert Storm press briefing, Makin' Copies, The Dark Side with Nat
X, Daily Affirmation, Sarcastic Clapping Family Of Southhampton;  6 PM
Brendan Fraser / Bjork (1997-'98) Xena, The Delicious Dish, Go-Lords!,
Collette Reardon's medication, Harry Caray, Courtney Love's Biography, Mango,
Shark Channel;
Su 4/30 9 PM Saturday Night Live Remembers Phil Hartman.

TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
We 4/26 9:45 PM
Th 4/27 2:35 AM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO
We 4/26 11:30 AM Royalty (2/14/96)
Su 4/30  5:30 AM Royalty (2/14/96)
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 4/24 End of the World (3/17/99)
Tu 4/25 11 AM New York
Tu 4/25 Romance (1/24/96)
We 4/26 Charity (1/31/96)
      + 8 AM Charity (1/31/96)
Th 4/27 Nostalgia (2/07/96)
Fr 4/28 Royalty (2/14/96)
Sa 4/29 Family (2/21/96)
Su 4/30 Law (2/28/96)
      HBO Signature
Tu 4/25 3:15 PM  Fame (3/27/96)
Sa 4/29 3 AM Sex (1/18/97)
Su 4/30 11:30 AM Fantasy (1/25/97)
      HBO Plus
Mo 4/24  9:30 PM Nostalgia (2/07/96)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 4/24 10:30 PM & Sa 4/29 1:30 AM "Hospital Show" The healthcare system gets
overhauled when UCB writes a perscription for chaos : a man gets his dying
wish: a dildo spanking.
Mo 5/1 10:30 PM & Sa 5/6 1:30 AM "Band Show" Chaos rules when the UCB unplugs
the music industry : The world,Aeos


Also in late night:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, Oxygen
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC overnights
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC overnights and cybercast at
      <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX


Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Apr. 17-23, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Dave's new heart: Another view

by Mark Evanier

Bill Zehme is a fine, ingenuous writer, as proven by --
among other things -- recent books on Frank Sinatra and
Andy Kaufman.  And I am not about to argue that his
piece on David Letterman in the current issue of Esquire
is not of the same marksmanship, as he has chatted up
both men in the past and has surely observed what he
says he's observed.  Still, I believe it was Mark Twain
who said that differences of opinion make, if not horse
races, then at least a typical "Crossfire."  The
Letterman described by Zehme -- and the Leno,
inevitably, as well -- are not quite the men I, or some
others, have observed.

Which is not to say Zehme is wrong ... though I do
wonder about a few of his statements.  He claims,
f'rinstance, that even in the ratings doldrums,
Letterman "never lost wholesale prized possession of
viewers aged eighteen to thirty-four."  One wonders how
he figures this, given Leno's long, barely-interrupted
winning streak in all categories.  For the week of March
24, sayeth the Nielsens, Jay averaged a 2.1 in adults
18-34, topping the average of Dave's three non-rerun
broadcasts by 75%.  And this at a time when CBS, like
Zehme, is ballyhooing Dave's comeback.  It was worse
pre-surgery.

What really fascinates me, though, are the portraits,
particularly of Letterman as a man unconcerned with the
competition.  "Like all true artists," Zehme writes, "he
competes only with himself and his own legacy."  This
portrayal stands in contrast to what many around Dave
have said, and even to a line in Bill Carter's book, The
Late Shift, explaining why Dave, at a time when he was
still in the ratings lead, cut his vacation short so he
would keep ahead of Jay: "Letterman was in this
competition to win, always to win."

It even stands in contrast to many elements of Zehme's
own article, including its claim -- probably quite true
-- that Dave's on-air crankiness was a symptom of his
slide to second and eventually third place.  A man
competing only with himself and his own legacy would not
turn ornery at the numbers; would barely even look at
them, let alone (to borrow Zehme's apt metaphor) allow
them to crush his heart.

The article's main thesis seems to be that all or most
of that has changed, especially following Letterman's
quintuple bypass.  It would be nice to think so, but
even this piece carries evidence that the post-bypass
Dave is watching Jay's every move, even if he doesn't
actually watch his show.

Zehme reports that Letterman was "rankled" that George
W. Bush could only appear on his show on Mar. 1 via
satellite.  You have to wonder: If it annoyed Dave, then
why his staff go ahead and book George W. at the last
minute anyway, even though it necessitated the
split-screen remote?  Why not wait a week or three until
the candidate was passing through New York?  The only
possible answer is that a satellite feed was the only
way to have Bush as a guest before his scheduled,
in-studio visit with Leno the following Monday.

There's nothing wrong with trying to scoop the other
guy.  Ed Sullivan, operating out of the same edifice as
Dave, was famous for pushing to snare guests before his
competition could have them on. But -- call me cynical
-- I've been in the TV business for a quarter-century.
I've met people who were extremely adept at feigning
indifference to beating the other guy.  Never met one
who made me believe it.  Ultimately, Jay is trying to
beat Dave, and Dave is trying to beat Jay ... and I
suspect it brings out the worst in both shows.

Zehme's article seems to me, at times, unduly harsh on
Leno.  He writes Letterman's staff called Leno with news
of Dave's surgery in hopes that Jay would then not
exploit it -- going on Larry King, say, and pulling down
personal publicity. This all strikes me as condemning
Leno for a crime uncommitted.  On the "Tonight Show,"
Jay spoke not a word about Dave after the operation, an
omission for which he was criticized by some.  So Jay
was damned if he did talk about Dave, damned if he
didn't.  (Zehme says Jay made no mention of Dave "on-air
or anywhere else."  In fact, CNN quoted a press release
from Leno -- "I and everyone at the 'Tonight Show' wish
Dave a speedy recovery" -- and the night of Letterman's
return, Jay said something equally perfunctory in his
monologue.  Not quite "no mention.")

I also disagree with the claim, dropped in passing, that
Dave was "screwed" out of Carson's throne.  To assert
that is to apply some practice of succession or
entitlement that has existed nowhere in network
television.  And I take issue with the third-hand quote
attributed to Letterman, that "even when Jay was a
nobody, he wanted to destroy everyone else."

I was around Jay -- and, to a lesser extent, Dave --
when both were nobodies.  That Leno was driven and
ambitious, no one would dispute. But to watch him in
action was to appreciate the distinction between rising
to the top by knifing competitors ... and getting there
via almost-superhuman work habits.  Here, my
observations would more closely parallel Dennis Miller's
in an interview some time back: "Jay Leno taught me that
you don't have to be an a--hole to be in show biz ...
He's the nicest, straightest guy in the world."  (Yes,
Miller briefly reversed his opinion, but he seems to be
back to it and, among comedians who are not nakedly
jealous, it seems to me the consensus.)

None of this is intended as an advocacy for one over the
other as on-air talent.  I long ago learned never to
debate with anyone their choice of bedmate, religion or
late-night host.  Thanks to my TiVos -- and before them,
VCRs -- I can enjoy both shows and/or regret when either
host isn't as good as I believe he is capable of being.
For a time -- the period when, as Zehme quotes a "Late
Show" insider, "it was unpleasant to watch" -- that was
more often Dave.  It's still, some nights, either man,
but Dave is certainly more watchable than he was for a
time, and on that point, I think Mr. Zehme is dead-on.

Still, I'm afraid I'm skeptical about his conclusion
that Mr. Letterman has let go of whatever grudge,
warranted or not, he has towards Mr. Leno.  Perhaps, in
some way, he has -- but evidence of that will come when
the two men normalize relations. If that ever happens.
And I'm especially dubious that, with Dave's return from
his ordeal, America learned that he had a heart, a lady,
or even emotions.  I think we always knew all that.
Some of us just thought, for a time, he wasn't as much
fun to watch as he's been lately.

When Mark Evanier isn't writing for the cartoons, he's
writing for the comics. Among his best-known work is
"Garfield and Friends" -- of which Evanier wrote nearly
every episode -- and his current comic-book series with
Sergio Aragones, Groo the Wanderer. He also contributes
a column to the Comics Buyers Guide, and wrote
occasionally for TV Barn's predecessor, Late Show News.


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 April 17: in 1989, NBC realizes that none of its viewers
	 can stand watching their channel all day long. Thus the
	 CNBC network is born -- all business during the day, but
	 willing to slip into something more comfortable after
	 hours. While Janice Leiberman gives consumers reports
	 among the daysiders, Dick Cavett and John McLaughlin are
	 allowed to creep out any guests willing to show up at
	 their respective studios. And how does a financial
	 network succeed in business without really trying?
	 First, buy your way onto as many cable systems as you
	 can. Then, buy out your competition (NBC acquires
	 Financial News Network in 1991).

	 April 18: in 1992, "Who, What, Where, When, and Why" get
	 kids interested in cultural affairs? The best reason is
	 that Linda Ellerbee is willing to treat them with as
	 much respect, wit and intelligence as she does with
	 their parents. And Nickelodeon's willing to let her
	 Lucky Duck Productions talk up to kids on "Nick News."

	 April 19: in 1955, Zenith engineer Eugene Polley creates
	 the "Flashmatic" -- the world's first wireless TV remote
	 control. The device sends a signaling beam of light to a
	 series of four photo cells attached to the front of the
	 set to adjust your sets settings. Unfortunately, bright
	 sunny days can send the tuners out of control, so the
	 Zenith engineers start experimenting with ultrasonic
	 technologies, and will have the "Zenith Space Command"
	 in production by fall of 1956.

	 April 20: in 1991, Lorne Michaels proves that critics
	 have been right about his show all along by booking a
	 talent-free episode of "Saturday Night Live." Ladies and
	 gentlemen, presenting host Steven Seagal and musical
	 guest Michael Bolton. (The season has also featured the
	 additions of Rob Schneider and Chris Farley; make of
	 that what you will.)

	 April 21: in 1956, Leonard Ross takes home the "Big
	 Surprise" quiz payout of $100,000 for his knowledge of
	 stocks. Not only enough money for the 10-year-old to buy
	 milk and cookies for each of his Tujunga, Calif.,
	 classmates, but also enough in the '50s economy to buy
	 them each their own Congressman.

	 April 22: in 1973, Raymond Burr *is* the Pope, John
	 XXIII to be precise, Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli to be even
	 more precise -- in NBC's "Portrait: A Man Whose Name Was
	 John." Burr throws his weight around as the pontiff who
	 became "Time Magazine's Man of the Year" in 1962 by
	 summoning Vatican II, to "renew" the Roman Catholic
	 Church.

	 April 23: in 1985, no single network is enough to
	 contain the powerful force known as ... Liberace?!?
	 Promoting his return to Radio City Music Hall, Wladziu
	 Valentino Liberace journeys to "Another World" to fawn
	 over fellow romantic diva Linda Dano, and later in the
	 day treks across New York City to the studios of MTV to
	 rock the house as a guest VJ.

	 [Thanks to Brooks, Marsh, MacNeil, and The Great Idea
	 Finder. Visit Tom Heald's new-and/or-improved Test
	 Patterns website at <http://www.come.to/testpattern.>]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald

(NOTE: Sue's lineups are out of commission this week.)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 4/23 12:50 AM Arsenio Hall, Puff Daddy (9/12/97)
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 4/17 Spike Lee, D'Angelo
Tu 4/18 NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and musical guest Lenny Kravitz
(8/28/98)
We 4/19 NJ Nets Jayson Williams and comedian Melanie Comacho (9/4/98)
Th 4/20 Rosie Perez and musical guest Esthero (9/18/98)
Fr 4/21 Wynton Marsalis and musical guest Biz Markie (10/2/98)


DAVID CROSS: THE PRIDE IS BACK, HBO Comedy
We 4/19 3:10 AM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Mo 4/17 2:25 AM & Tu 4/18 Midnight Janeane Garofalo on "The Dark Side of
Human Nature" (rerun Su 4/16 11:35 PM on HBO Plus)
Fr 4/21 11:30 PM Cynthia Cooper on "Women in Sports" (r-1/29/00)
Fr 4/28 11:30 PM Frank McCourt on "Topic TBA" (rerun Su 4/30 11 PM on HBO
Plus)
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 4/17 Jay Leno on Bad TV (5/31/96)
Tu 4/18 Garry Shandling on Pursuit of Happiness (6/07 /96)
We 4/19 Billy Crystal on Death of Common Sense (6/14/96)
Th 4/20 Sherriff Joe Arpaio on Prison System (6/21/96)
Fr 4/21 Brett Butler on Haves and Nots (6/28/96)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 4/17 "Nothing Personal" Marg Helgenberger, Jeff Goldblum (9/13/95)
Tu 4/18 "Brother, Can You Spare 1.2 Million?" Paul Willson (9/20/95)
We 4/19 "Conflict of Interest" Jennifer Aniston, Andy Kindler, Beck
(9/27/95)
Th 4/20 "I Was a Teenage Lesbian" Michael Boatman, Brett Butler (10/11/95)
Fr 4/21 "Larry's Sitcom" Chris Elliott, Jennie Garth, Kevin Nealon
(10/18/95)
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 4/19 "Broadcast Nudes" Hugh Hefner (8/4/93); "Larry's Birthday" Sugar
Ray
Leonard (8/11/93)


THE LATE SHIFT, HBO
We 4/19 7:15 PM
Fr 4/21 1:45 AM


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 4/22  Bush / 100th Episode Spectacular (r-11/6/99) I Love Lucy-The
Revenge, Cabana Chat-Pool Boy, OJ Bloopers, Swan-Airplane, Greatest Action
Story Ever Told, Blue Heat, Klumps, Stuart at the Zoo, Vancome Santa, Lex
Jackson,  FANatic-Nicole Sullivan, My White Momma


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
     HBO
Sa 4/22 4:15 AM "The Story Of Everest" - Sweetie Pie Open, Rapist, Clumsy
Waiter, Pallies, Food Ads, Everest, Sweetie Pie Close
     HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 4/17 "Like Chickens...Delicious Chickens" - Reparations Open, Bugged
Drug
Deal, Rich Guy Negative Ads, The Great Hemingway, Most Trusted News Team,
Fat
Survivor, Civil War Re-Enactments, Home Shopping Close
Tu 4/18 "Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions" - Ratings Warning Cold Open,
Ratings
Child Open, Debate, Music Offer, Inside The Actor, Earthshoes, Teardrop
Awards, Shrunken Mr. Show Close
We 4/19 "Patriotism, Pepper, and Professionalism" - Resort Cold Open,
Executive Open, Money Warning, Weeklong Romance, Marilyn Monster, Praying
Machines, Info Jimmy, Goodbye, Vendetta, Info Jimmy
Th 4/20 Midnight The Best of Mr. Show with Bob & David
Fr 4/21 "The Cry of a Hungry Baby" Entitilitus, HItler sings, guys in,
A**hole at party, Change for a dollar, Ronnie Dobbs, Incubation Pants


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 4/17 author of "How To Speak Dog" -  Stanley Coren, musical guest Swing
Soniq
Tu 4/18 Wendy Crewson (Receiving a WIFT award for Bicentennial Man, The
Sixth
Day and others), author of "Control Freaked" - Mark Breslin, and musical
guest John Borra
We 4/19 Host of TSN’S Fins and Skins fishing and golf show - Henry
Waszczuk,
musical guest Jet Set Sattelite
Th 4/20 skater Scott Hamilton, New York correspondent from ROB TV - Amanda
Lang, musical guest Violent Femmes
Fr 4/21 Host of The Comedy Network’s "Chez Carla"  - Carla Collins


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 3)
Mo 4/17 6 AM


THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW, HBO Comedy
We 4/19 11:30 AM
Su 4/23 10 AM
Su 4/23 10PM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 4/22 Jamie Foxx / Blink 182 + John Goodman (r-1/8/00) Clinton bids
adieu
to Hillary, "Oliver Stone" monolog, Hamburger Helper Anti-Bacterial, Puff
Daddy and Jennifer Lopez at counselling, Am I still your bitch, Linda
Tripp's
new look, Nick Burns meets his match, Tracy connects with Jamie, Amateur
Night at the Apollo, Jeffrey - the black guy, Martin Luther King has a
weird
dream,
Sa 4/29 Julianna Margulies / DMX (r- 2/12/00) A Message from Hillary
Rodham
Clinton, ER/Law & Order monologue, Litter Critters, Dinner with the
Robins...er, Blakes, E! Fashion World, Simmuhduhnuh at Augusta General,
Crocodile World, Erectile Dysfunction/Tootsie Rolls, Savin' It with
Jessica
Simpson, The Bloater Brothers try to pick up, William Shatner for
Priceline.com
Sa 5/6  John Goodman / Neil Young (new)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 4/17 1 PM Kirstie Alley / Lenny Kravitz (1992-'93) "Fire Bad," fake
cast
of Cheers, Mmmph?, The Friendly Italians, Montel Williams, Zoraida,  Tom
Schiller's "While The City Sweeps";  6 PM Paul Reiser / Annie Lennox
(1994-'95) Road To The Final Four, "Jeff Foxworthy," Daily Affirmation,
Mad
About You Aliens, One Brother Restaurant, O'Callahan & Son Pub;  Midnight
Kevin Bacon / INXS (1990-'91) Desert Storm press briefing, Makin' Copies,
The
Dark Side with Nat X, Daily Affirmation, Sarcastic Clapping Family Of
Southhampton
Tu 4/18 1 PM Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson / Paul Simon (1992-'93) Clintons
vs.
Dole, Mmmph?, The Flatulent Italian, Don Lapre's How To Find Financial
Freedom, You Like'a Da' Juice, eh... Da Juice is Good?, Criminal
Encounter;
6 PM John Goodman / The Tragically Hip + Dan Ackroyd + Brian Dennehy
(1994-'95) host becomes one of the Blues Brothers, Irwin Mainway & Super
Fans, "Tom Snyder," "Rush Limbaugh," Unsolved Mysteries, assasination of
Chris Elliot;  Midnight Roseanne / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The
Rubber
Band (1990-'91) Mr. Subliminal, MetroCard, Misery II, Pat, Happy Fun Ball,
Comedy Killers Victoria's Secrets
We 4/19 1 PM Charles Barkley / Nirvana (1993-'94) Clinton Health Plan,
Daily
Affirmation, Coffee Talk, Deep Thoughts, Gap Girls;  6 PM Damon Wayans /
Dionne Farris (1994-'95) Men On Film, Jeff Foxworthy, Perspectives,
"Cirque
du Soleil", Christopher Walken for Skittles;  Midnight Michael J. Fox /
Black
Crowes (1990-'91) Back From The Future, America's Most Wanted, A. Whitney
Brown, Daily Affirmation, Sting's elevator fans
Th 4/20 1 PM Shannen Doherty / Cypress Hill (1993-'94) Operaman, Crystal
Gravy, The Real World, The Denise Show, Is It Date Rape?, The Relapse
Guy;  6
PM Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler (1995-'96) O.J. Today, Ad, Nightline,
Leg Up, Spade in America, Biography, Chicken Lady;  Midnight Jeremy Irons
/
Fishbone + Razor Ruddock (1990-'91) Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, McIntosh
Jr. Makin' Copies!, Wayne's World Oscar picks Sherlock Holmes, Chris Rock
on
New Jack City, "Football Days" -- a Jennifer Meyer film
Fr 4/21 1 PM Jeff Goldblum / Aerosmith + Laura Dern (1993-'94) Nerf
Crotchbats, Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends, Mike Judge's Milton in
"Office Space";  6 PM Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories + Father
Guido
Sarducci (1995-'96) NFL on NBC with O.J., Lobotol, Althea, The Blame Game,
70's prom, Gangsta Bitch Barbie, The Mark Fuhrman Show, Spade in America,
Lampreys;  Midnight Greg Kinnear / All Saints + Bob Hoskins
(1997-'98) Martha
Stewart Easter, Name That Dog, Singing Mohan Culps, Fun With Real Audio:
Snyder vs. Dolly Parton, Nightline, Robin Byrd Show, Later reunion
1 AM Matthew Perry / Oasis (1997-'98) Spartan Spirits, Friends fountain
dance, Cookie Dough Sport, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Sarcasm 101, The Ladies'
Man,
Harry Caray, Goat Boy, Kevin Franklin Show, Liza!
Sa 4/22 4 PM Elle MacPherson / Sting (1995-'96) The Spartan Spirits, Mary
Katherine Gallagher, The Fops, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Holiday
Special, Australian phone sex;  6 PM Greg Kinnear / All Saints + Bob
Hoskins
(1997-'98) Martha Stewart Easter, Name That Dog, Singing Mohan Culps, Fun
With Real Audio: Snyder vs. Dolly Parton, Nightline, Robin Byrd Show,
Later
reunion
Su 4/23 10 AM Tom Hanks / Randy Travis (1987-'88) Dick Buttons, The Pat
Stevens Show, The Bean Cafe, The Desensitized losers, Casey Kasem Sings
The
Beatles, Compulsion, The Sentimental Pawn Shop


TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
We 4/26 9:45 PM
Th 4/27 2:35 AM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 4/17 Lies (1/27/99)
Tu 4/18 Erotica (2/3/99)
     + 9:30 PM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98)
We 4/19 Books (2/10/99)
     + 9:35 Dating (1/13/99)
Th 4/20 Road Rage (2/17/99)
Fr 4/21 America (2/24/99)
Sa 4/22 Hype (3/3/99)
Su 4/23 Obsession (3/10/99)
     + 8 AM Culture (3/01/98)
     + 1PM New York
     HBO Signature
Mo 4/17 5:30 AM Fame (3/27/96)
Th 4/20 6PM  Fame (3/27/96)
Th 4/20 8:30 AM  Fame (3/27/96)
Fr 4/21 12:45 PM Sex (1/18/97)
Sa 4/22 12:30 PM Fantasy (1/25/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 4/17 10:30 PM & Sa 4/22 1:30 AM "Costume Show" The UCB tries on the
kinky
world of costume erotica.

Also in late night:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, Oxygen
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC overnights
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC overnights and cybercast at
     <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX


Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Apr. 10-16, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Zehme dissects Dave

It started with a conjunction. Most journalists
started their stories -- even the
celebrity-profile journalists, you know, the
kind who seemed to follow their own rules for
writing their celebrity profiles, including the
one where you had someone above you edit the
story -- most journalists started their stories
with nouns. Preferably a proper noun.
Preferably, really preferably, the name of the
celebrity being profiled. What with readers
having such short attention spans these days and
all.

(All right, I'm not the first critic to try his
hand at mimicking a Bill Zehme celebrity
profile. But it got you to the second graf,
didn't it?)

But Bill Zehme, that zany Bill Zehme. He started
his profile of David Letterman in the May issue
of Esquire with a conjunction. "And," to be
specific. To be really specific, he wrote, "And
then, quite suddenly, there was a man down. And
he was the big man ..."

Later in the elephantine first graf, some 150
words later, Zehme makes the first of many, many
revelations that even this veteran Letterman
watcher found surprising, sometimes amazing. "As
news filtered beyond the portals," he writes,
referring to word of Letterman's emergency
heart-bypass surgery, "Burnett held a
confidential conversation with the opposition,
Leno himself ... as both a courtesy and a
pre-emptive strike. As one mole would reveal,
'The fear was that Jay would seize the news of
Dave's emergency and, as usual, grab the
spotlight for himself by playing his Nice Guy
role, the concerned so called friend.'"

It is also one of several revelations that cast
Jay Leno in an, ehhh, let us say not fully
favorable light. Zehme shared his upcoming piece
with me 10 days ago, and I promised not to
divulge details until we were closer to
publication date. I still think you should read
the thing, top to bottom -- with a highlighter I
called out no fewer than 18 passages from the
seven-page cover piece, of which only a half a
dozen are mentioned here -- but below are a few
of the juicier ones.

Zehme's article is a genuine tour de force, a
flushing-out of nearly 20 years worth of notes
and articles written about Letterman and Leno,
including relevant details Zehme collected at
the time but never committed to print;
intriguing medical details about Letterman's
father Joe, who dropped dead of a coronary at
age 57; a complete behind-the-scenes account of
the events leading up to and following Dave's
bypass; and an assessment of Letterman's career
by Zehme that is stunning more for what it says
about Leno -- whose 1997 memoir was co-authored
by Zehme, but who is likened here to Merv
Griffin, the able but creatively inferior
performer to Letterman's Johnny Carson.

"Daveheart," as the piece is entitled, confirms
once again what Nielsen stubbornly refuses to
quantify, that the smartest, funniest and most
interesting talent in late-night TV remains
David Letterman. And whatever the condition of
Dave's heart, Zehme has officially signaled the
critical recovery of Dave's reputation. It's
cool to watch "Late Show" again.

Zehme also documents what LATE SHOW NEWS was
saying throughout 1996 and 1997: Letterman
indeed went through a personal and professional
slump, and was a big reason why viewers switched
him off during that miserable two-year swoon.
"Here, then, was a man imploding, but loudly
and, well, weirdly," writes Zehme. "He had
become a coot." And then he adds, "Even Johnny
Carson was mystified at this turn of
temperament, often mentioning to friends the
term 'self-destruct' while sadly shaking his
head." (Incidentally, Zehme did not get to
interview Letterman, who has now gone three years
without talking to the press. Zehme told me he
even tried faxing his questions to the big guy,
a tactic that had worked once with Frank Sinatra
but failed here.)

But at some point -- maybe it was the Times
Square billboard declaring himself "No. 3 in
Late Night!" -- Letterman regained his mettle.
He found the gumption again, and started
entertaining us again. As Zehme sees it,
Letterman was reclaiming his rightful place as
late night's crown prince:

"He has always been Johnny to Leno's Merv -- and
Johnny, by the way, never regarded Merv as
competition, even when they worked at the same
hour of the night. ('I hear Merv is doing
another one of his little theme shows
tonight...' the King used to tease and twinkle,
thereby separating apples from kumquats, not
that there is anything wrong with kumquats.)"

Wow! Coming from the man once handsomely paid to
write "Leading with My Chin" by Jay Leno, that
paragraph is nothing less than praise from ...
well, if not Caesar, then Cicero.


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>
<http://www.come.to/testpattern>

	 April 10: in 1967, on "The Andy Griffith Show,"
	 a typo could cost Goober Pyle $200 if'n he has
	 to pay off Floyd the Barber for winning his
	 "Grab-bag for Cash" contest. The fellow playing
	 Floyd, though, is no winner; Howard McNear "cuts
	 out" after this episode. A stroke during the
	 show's second season left McNear immobile,
	 requiring him to be shown in close-ups, scenes
	 where he could be shown sitting, or secretly
	 propped up with a brace. By 1967, he is too ill
	 to return for the show's final season. McNear
	 passes away on January 3, 1969.

	 April 11: in 1977, Universal and Walt Disney
	 Studios talk with Time magazine about the
	 lawsuit they've filed to try and prevent the
	 further sale of VCRs as "a violation of their
	 copyrights ... The video tape systems in short
	 have the potential of revolutionizing the
	 television business." Young executive Michael
	 Eisner is unavailable for comment as he's off in
	 the company mail room, taking a Napster.

	 April 12: in 1997, seeking to dig its Saturday
	 night ratings out of the graveyard, ABC launches
	 two new dramas which sadly are both dead on
	 arrival: "Leaving L.A." (the wacky adventures of
	 morgue workers) and an anthology featuring the
	 adventures of a pearl-handled "Gun." On "Leaving
	 L.A." (originally titled "Exit Elves"), stars
	 Christopher Meloni and Melina Kanakaredes take
	 on the "ex-file" of an obsessed roller-skating
	 instructor, while perky lab technician (and
	 future Oscar winner Hilary Swank) befriends a
	 widower. On "Gun," our title character is bought
	 at a pawn shop and used in an aborted
	 convenience store robbery before falling into
	 the hands of a "struggling actor,"
	 coincidentally played by the then-not-struggling
	 Daniel Stern, who uses it to fend off the
	 kidnapping of his son.

	 April 13: in 1983, with choreography straight
	 out of a "Batman" episode, the former and
	 current Mrs. Carrington get into their most
	 famous catfight on "Dynasty." When Alexis starts
	 taunting Krystle about her infertility, it's
	 war. Krystle jumps her nemesis and they both
	 fall into the lily pool. When "miserable bitch"
	 Alexis tries to escape the pummeling of her
	 tormentor, Krystle shrieks "Oh, no, you don't,"
	 then punches her enemy in the mouth.

	 April 14: in 1956, the Ampex Corporation shows
	 off the first sound and picture commercial
	 magnetic tape recorder. But don't rush to your
	 Sharper image Store yet; the $75,000 gizmo is
	 not only the size of your freezer, it needs
	 five 6-foot racks of circuitry.

	 April 15: in 1990, Fox offers up "In Living
	 Color" as a dose of April foolishness for weary
	 tax filers. After being stood up for a meeting
	 with the film department, the TV division tells
	 "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka" writer/producer/star
	 Keenen Ivory Wayans they're desperate to reach a
	 black audience and will put on just about any
	 idea he can give them. Wayans thinks back to the
	 fun he and his friends had improvising and
	 writing sketches a dozen years earlier at the
	 home of Robert Townsend, and Fox decides to hire
	 the whole bunch, plus some white guy named James
	 Carrey.

	 April 16: in 1978, NBC "roots" its ethnic
	 garden in the 9-1/2 hour miniseries "Holocaust,"
	 with all but one member of the Weiss family
	 (played by Meryl Streep, Sam Wanamaker, Fritz
	 Weaver, Blanche Baker, and James Woods) being
	 sent to the Nazi death camps. Michael Moriarty,
	 meanwhile, is a young German lawyer who's "just
	 a guy looking for a job" but rises through the
	 ranks to oversee the murder of millions. The
	 broadcast nets eight Emmys including statuettes
	 for Moriarty, Streep, and Baker.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh, and
	 teeffer2. Tom Heald still hasn't seen that Star
	 Wars Phantom movie, but is just glad they don't
	 have Jar Jar singing with the little Pepsi brat
	 yet.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 4/10 Bill Cosby
Tu 4/11 Jenna Elfman, Jeff Altman, dance troupe Children of Uganda
We 4/12 Paul Newman, Pearl Jam
Th 4/13 Ben Stiller, Kelly Monteith, Willie Nelson
Fr 4/14 Stupid Pet Tricks, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Regan

Mo 4/17 Woody Harrelson, 11-year-old hero Shawn Presser, Filter (R
1/11/00)
Tu 4/18 Drew Carey, Dolly Parton (R 2/28/00)
We 4/19 Nathan Lane, Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris (R 9/29/99)
Th 4/20 John Malkovich, Harland Williams (R 10/14/99)
Fr 4/21 John Goodman, Norm Macdonald (R 2/25/00)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 4/10 David Arquette, Elizabeth Perkins, Oasis
Tu 4/11 Lucy Lawless, D.L. Hughley, Patti Smith
We 4/12 Robin Williams, the Umbilical Brothers, No Doubt
Th 4/13 Shaquille O'Neal
Fr 4/14 Edward Norton, Emeril Lagasse, Pink

Mo 4/17 Harvey Keitel, Bob Costas
Tu 4/18 Bill Paxton
We 4/19 Martin Sheen


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 4/10 Donny Osmond, Bijou Phillips, Bob Smith
Tu 4/11 Martin Mull, Margaret Colin
We 4/12 Veronica Webb, Bill Brochtrup
Th 4/13 David Duchovny, Fishbone
Fr 4/14 Andy Dick, Leeza Gibbons

Mo 4/17 Vince Vaughn
Tu 4/18 Daniela Pestova
We 4/19 Tony Bennett
Th 4/20 Natasha Henstridge
Fr 4/21 Charlize Theron


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 4/10 Angelina Jolie, Robert Urich, Upright Citizens Brigade (R
1/13/00)
Tu 4/11 Tom Arnold, Heidi Klum, Stereophonics
We 4/12 Claudia Schiffer, Edward Burns
Th 4/13 Hugh Hefner, Scott Thompson
Fr 4/14 Josh Rouse

Mo 4/17 Christopher Walken, Joe Montana, Ruth Gerson (R 1/4/00)
Tu 4/18 Matthew Broderick, David Feldman
We 4/19 Sevendust
Th 4/20 Omar Epps, Elliott Smith
Fr 4/21 Jack Black


LATER, NBC
Mo 4/10 TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 4/10 North Carolina Governor James Hunt, Billiards panel


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 4/10 Julia Butterfly Hill, James Coburn, Michael Graham, John Lydon
Tu 4/11 Monica Crowley, Zach Galifinakis, Elizabeth Perkins, Eric Idle
We 4/12 Cory Kahaney, Holland Taylor, Jay Severin
Th 4/13 Lauren Hutton, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, Michael J. Estime,
Deborah Norville
Fr 4/14 Candy Ford, Lucy Lawless, John Carpenter, Lisa Ling


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 4/10 Peter Berg
Tu 4/11 Patrick Stewart
We 4/12 Queen Latifah
Th 4/13 David Alan Grier


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 4/16 1:20 AM Tracey Morgan and Erykah Badu (3/7/97)
Su 4/23 12:50 AM Arsenio Hall, Puff Daddy (9/12/97)
Su 4/30 12:55 AM Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean (of The Fugees) (9/19/97)
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 4/10 Adam Sandler and musical guest Faith Evans (10/27/98)
Tu 4/11 Activist Ward Connerly and comedian Don "D.C." Curry (11/6/98)
We 4/12 Magic Johnson and rapper Method Man (11/13/98)
Th 4/13 San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown
Fr 4/14 Lisa Nicole Carson and The Beastie Boys (11/27/98)


DAVID CROSS: THE PRIDE IS BACK, HBO Comedy
Sa 4/15 2:50 AM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Mo 4/10 1:30 PM & Tu 4/11 Eric Idle on "The Penis" (rerun Su 4/9 12:20
AM on
HBO Plus)
Fr 4/14 11:30 PM & Mo 4/17 2:25 AM & Tu 4/18 Midnight Janeane Garofalo
on
"The Dark Side of Human Nature"
(rerun Su 4/16 11:35 PM on HBO Plus)
Fr 4/21 - hiatus / Rerun TBA
Fr 4/28 - Frank McCourt on "Teachers"

     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 4/10 Sen. Arlen Specter on Abortion (4/19/96)
Tu 4/11 Tracey Ullman on The Royal Family (4/26/96)
We 4/12 Larry King on Washington D.C.(5/03/96)
Th 4/13 Christopher Darden on L'Affaire O.J. (5/10/96)
Fr 4/14 Melissa Ethridge on Feminism (5/17/96)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 4/10 "Arthur After Hours" Ryan O'Neal, Sandra Bernhard, Joan Embry
Tu 4/11 "The Bump" Jeff Cesario, Rob Lowe, Vendela, David Duchovny
We 4/12 "Jeannie's Visit" Tatjana Patitz
Th 4/13 "The P.A." Colin Quinn, Chris Isaak, Silvertone Larry King
(8/23/95)
Fr 4/14 "Hank's Sex Tape" Jon Favreau, Henry Winkler, Norm Macdonald
(8/30/95)


THE LATE SHIFT, HBO
Mo 4/10 9:15 AM
Su 4/16 12:15 PM & 9PM


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 4/15 ``Shania Twain'' meets a big fan; ``Antiques Roadshow'' spoof;
``The Jewel Show.''


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
     HBO
Th 4/13 4 AM "The Story Of Everest" - Sweetie Pie Open, Rapist, Clumsy
Waiter, Pallies, Food Ads, Everest, Sweetie Pie Close
     HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 4/10 "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper Open, Phone Sex,
Audition, Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking
Close
Tu 4/11 "The Story Of Everest" - Sweetie Pie Open, Rapist, Clumsy
Waiter,
Pallies, Food Ads, Everest, Sweetie Pie Close
We 4/12 "It's Perfectly Understandishable" - Rehearsal Open, Those
Amazing
Actors, Blind Girl, Emergency Psychic Hotline, Dalai Lama, Monk Academy,
Chimp Close
Th 4/13 "It's Insane this Guy's Taint!" - Speakers Open, Intervention,
Ka-Ching, Stop Change Thieves, Men's Club of Allah, Be Kind Rewind,
Windbreaker, Taint
Fr 4/14 "Eat Rotten Fruit From a Sh**ty Tree" - Water Cooler Open, Marty
Farty, Date With The Queen, Spite Marriage, God's Book On Tape, Monster
Mash,
Coffee Hunt Close


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 4/9 Cassie Campbell of the Canadian women's hockey team, CBC
Radio’s Ross
Porter
Tu 4/10 musical guest Night Sun
We 4/11 Australian star of the English version of "Notre Dame de Paris"
-
Tina Arena, musical guest Sammie
Th 4/12 musical guest Night Sun
Fr 4/13 actor Richard Karn, comedienne Margaret Cho


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 3)
We 4/12 3:40 AM
Su 4/16 5PM


THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW, HBO Comedy
We 4/19 11:30 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 4/15 Tobey Maguire / rap artist Sisqo, of "The Thong Song"

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 4/10 1 PM Luke Perry / Mick Jagger (1992-'93)
Chameleon XLE a practical luxury car, Operaman
sings, Sassy's Sassiest Boys, The Magic Fish;  6
PM Jeff Daniels / Lusicous Jackson (1994-'95)
Newt Gingrich's Contract with America, Connie
Chung, Ron Wood, Marquerite Simpson's "You Gotta
Be," Film Beat, Gay Stripper Theater;  Midnight
Kyle MacLachlan / Sinead O'Connor (1990-'91)
Sprockets, Twin Peaks, one-man mobile uplink
unit Al Franken
Tu 4/11 1 PM Bill Murray / Sting (1992-'93) The
WhipMaster, Frequent Flyer, I'm Chillin';  6 PM
David Hyde Pierce / Live (1994-'95) Amazin'
Laser, Tales Of Little Women, Scottish Soccer
Hooligan Weekly, Perspectives, Internet sex,
Movie News; Midnight Patrick Swayze / Mariah
Carey + Lisa Niemi (1990-'91) Dirty Square
Dancing, Pumping Up With Hans & Franz,
Chippendale tryouts, The Tonight Show
We 4/12 1 PM John Goodman / Mary J. Blige + The
Bravados (1992-'93) Makin Copies at Waco, Wilson
countersink flanges, Bear & Ox, Linda Richman,
Soylent Green director, How'd You Do That?;  6
PM Bob Newhart / Des'ree (1994-'95) Ricki Lake
Show, Book Buzz, Sandler sings "Sex Phone Lady,"
Baywatch, the "Hi Bob" drinking game;  Midnight
George Steinbrenner / The Time (1990-'91)
Middle-Aged Man, Winston-McCauley Funeral Home,
The wimpy Boss, What Was I Thinking?
Th 4/13 1 PM Miranda Richardson / Soul Asylum
(1992-'93) Pat in "The Crying Game," Barry
Green, MTV Spring Break U.K. '93, Russell
Simmons' Def Magic Show Jam;  6 PM Deion Sanders
/ Bon Jovi + Manute Bol (1994-'95) - O.J. Trial
Field Trip, ESPY Awards, Operaman, Perspectives;
  Midnight Sting (1990-'91) Wayne's World, The
Sinatra Group, elevator ride, Makin' Copies,
one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken, Coffee
Talk with Paul Baldwin
Fr 4/14 1 PM Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel
(1992-'93) Clinton's Indecent Proposal, Woody
Allen's fan club, "You Like-a Da juice";  6 PM
George Clooney / The Cranberries (1994-'95)
Taxicab Confessions, "W.R. - Waiting Room,"
Zagat's, Bruce McCulloch film "Snowbird";  10 PM
Sarah Michelle Gellar / Portishead (1997-'98)
Unabomber, Spice Girls, Glenn Close, Mars &
Venus, Tara Lipinski Golords, Goth Talk, The
Robin Byrd Show, Buffy/Seinfeld;  11 PM Claire
Danes / Mariah Carey (1997-'98) The View, The
Singing Mohan Culps, The Ambiguously Gay Duo,
Tinkerbell, Joe Blow news, Mr. Peepers
Sa 4/15 4 PM Pamela Lee / Rollins Band + Tommy
Lee (1996-'97) Spartan Spirits, Tiger Woods
Biography, Roxbury Guys, Ambiguously Gay Duo,
Goat Boy, Oprah, Larry King;  6 PM Jason
Priestly / Teenage Fanclub (1991-'92) The
falling figure skater, Jiffy Pop Airbag, The
Life & Times of Johnny Hildo, Love Werks  on
Sprockets!, New Kids On The Block on The Arsenio
Hall Show, zip code consolidation at Beverly
Hills 90120

TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Tu 4/11 9:45 PM
Sa 4/15 2:35 AM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Tu 4/11 12:30 PM Royalty (2/14/96)
     HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 4/10 Religion (2/15/98)
Tu 4/11 Culture (3/01/98)
We 4/12 Sports (3/08/98)
     + 1:15 PM New York
Th 4/13 Dating (1/13/99)
Fr 4/14 Drugs (1/(1/13/99)
Sa 4/15 Scandal (1/20/99)
     +5:15 AM New York
Su 4/16 Hair (1/20/99)
     + 3:45 AM Hair (1/20/99)
     HBO Signature
Th 4/13 11:30 AM Sex (1/18/97)
Sa 4/15 3:45 AM Fantasy (1/25/97)
Su 4/16 5:30 AM Sex (1/18/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 4/10 10:30 PM & Sa 4/15 1:30 AM "Mafia Show" The UCB explores the
seamy underworld of organized crime.


Also on late nights:
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
EXHALE, OXYGEN
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
LOVELINE, MTV
NIGHTLINE, ABC
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
TONIGHT SHOW, LATE NIGHT, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reruns, NBC All Night
WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC  and cybercast at
     <http://abcnews.go.com/onair/wnn/index.html>
THE X SHOW, FX

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
righ

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Apr. 3-9, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


I want my iCraveTV!

When I read the other week that iCraveTV.com, the widely
reviled TV retransmitter based in Toronto, was planning
a return to Internet telecasting, I cheered. You see,
unlike the 400 or so media companies that buried
iCraveTV's tiny staff in lawsuits in January, I adored
iCraveTV.

And my reasons had nothing to do with the National
Football League, the Motion Picture Association of
America, or any of the other litigious heavies who
stepped in to shut down iCraveTV, which had been
streaming 17 Toronto-area stations on the Internet,
including several from Buffalo, N.Y.

I grew up near the Canadian border, and that country's
TV was always part of my video consciousness. Today, I'm
still a fan of Canadian TV, when I can get it. Canadians
spend a fair amount of time analyzing and lampooning
Americans on their shows. You may have heard that ``This
Hour Has 22 Minutes,'' a CBC ``humour programme,''
tricked George W. Bush into reacting to an endorsement
from ``Canadian prime minister Jean Poutine'' during the
Michigan primary campaign.

Mr. Bush, whose faulty recall of the names of foreign
dignitaries has put food on many a late-night comic's
table, was visibly pleased by the news of the
``Poutine'' endorsement. This was hilarious to Canadians
because (a) the prime minister of Canada is Jean
Chretien, not ``Poutine,'' and (b) ``poutine'' is a
Quebecois delicacy in which brown gravy and cheese are
heaped on fried potatoes. ``A heart attack in a bowl,''
as one of my Canadian readers put it.

To most Americans this may not have been ha-ha funny --
but a political junkie surely would have liked to see
it. And thanks to videotape, I did. But unless you live
in a border town, you can't see that or any other
Canadian show.

That was what was so liberating about iCraveTV. For two
glorious months, somebody in the TV business actually
behaved as though there were this North American
free-trade thing going on, and brought Canadian shows to
viewers in the States. Shows like Mike Bullard's ``Open
Mike,'' one of the two or three best late-night programs
around. Channels like Toronto's innovative CityTV. News
from the CBC, which unlike its American counterparts
reports regularly on world affairs.

They were all there for the watching, and if you were a
broadband customer like me, you could do as the
iCraveTV.com home page advised: ``Simply tuck your
favorite television show into the corner of your screen,
while you surf the web, write your e-mail or play games
on the rest of the your screen.''

ICraveTV.com came about last year when a veteran TV
executive named Bill Craig realized that a gray area in
Canadian broadcast law allowed him to retransmit local
TV signals on the Internet. He mounted a powerful
antenna on a hill overlooking Toronto and piped the
output through a video server. An interactive listings
grid was put on iCraveTV's home page, ads were sold on
the frames surrounding the 2-inch TV display, and
iCraveTV signed on in November. The whole enterprise
took 90 days to set up.

And 60 days to tear down. A star-studded cast of
Hollywood lobbyists and suits confronted a judge in
Pittsburgh (because that's where Mr. Craig registered
the domain name). His ruling stopped iCraveTV before the
Super Bowl could go out on the Net. Jack Valenti of the
Motion Picture Association, in a typical Ciceronian
outburst of grandeur, called iCraveTV ``one of the
largest and most brazen thefts of intellectual property
ever committed.''

Funny thing is, neither Mr. Valenti nor any of the other
plaintiffs could actually prove that American viewers
were signing onto iCraveTV and stealing their goods.

Indeed, as Mr. Craig noted in a telephone interview last
week, iCraveTV's own server logs show that by far the
three most popular channels among visitors to his site
were CityTV, the NBC affiliate in Buffalo, and the CBC.

``If we had gone to trial it would've been fascinating,
because the MPAA and the NFL never provided any facts
that anyone was watching them,'' Mr. Craig said. ``They
said 57 percent of our customers were from the U.S. But
that was false, because AOL Canada customers show up as
being in Virginia, which is where their routers are.''

Which got Mr. Craig to thinking. What the media
companies really seemed to be saying was: Pay us for the
privilege of carrying our product, just like every other
distributor does. The problem, until now, was that no
Internet distributor could guarantee that product being
aired in one country wasn't being intercepted by viewers
in another country, where the rights hadn't been
negotiated.

``The Internet has a sort of haphazard structure that
way,'' said Mr. Craig, ``so our challenge has been to
find the border geographically and determine which AOL
customers are in Canada and which are in the United
States and shouldn't be watching it.''

That led to iCraveTV's development of an enhanced
version of a new ``i-wall'' technology that regulates
who can access a site by country (``Building a Web
`i-wall,'' EM, Mar. 13). Mr. Craig claims he has near
100 percent accuracy with the new server software. That,
he says, is music to the ears of Canadian telecasters
who have been shut out of the U.S. market.

By early summer he expects iCraveTV to be back, offering
Canadians a slew of specialty channels like Canadian
Bravo -- which unlike its American counterpart, doesn't
interrupt movies for commercials -- and the Comedy
Network, where Mr. Bullard's talk show is seen.

``We're basically creating tiers like the cable industry
did,'' said Mr. Craig, and by the way, if you're in the
cable business, I hope you're sitting down right now.

``We found that people in downtown office buildings who
don't have good TV reception or access to cable -- like
in Manhattan, Dallas, Detroit, Chicago -- they had
Internet access. They had firewalls, but we found places
were lowering the walls during the lunch hours.''

With its proprietary software, iCraveTV could also serve
these American viewers, negotiating deals with American
programmers. So long as everyone got paid, and
copyrights were respected, why wouldn't Disney want to
do business with iCraveTV?

``All of the sudden we have something that walks and
talks like cable and satellite because it's confined to
a territory,'' said Mr. Craig. ``The Internet is
scalable, whereas the cable industry typically has not
been. The Internet lets people with good ideas get on
without scalability problems. They can get straight
through to customers without relying on the billing
system of the cable company.''

And that's the point that most coverage of the iCraveTV
story has missed. The issue to me, and to millions of
other viewers, is not theft, it's choice. Real choice,
the kind consumers would be only too happy to pay for if
only content providers would learn to supply it.

Not to slight the Canadians, but iCraveTV represents
much more than a slew of new channels from up north.
It's about viewers demanding a better way of getting the
product they want. And it may never have come about,
says Mr. Craig, had the media giants not been so
determined to pull the plug on his original design.

``I think this compromise will go down in the annals of
broadcasting history as an asterisk where people said,
`You know, we should've let them stay on. Why did we let
them draw borders?' ... If it had been me, I would've
said, `Wow -- now I can sell advertising worldwide. I
have an Internet superstation.' But there weren't any
Ted Turners in the group.''

(An extended version of my interview with Mr. Craig is
on the TV Barn Web site.)


***


Quitchermoanin'

by Andy Ihnatko

Whine, bitch, moan: "The Oscars show goes on for so
lonnnng! What's with the muuuusical nummmmberrrs,
anyway? The winners just never stop tallllkinnng! The
show was so much shorrrrter back when Herbert Hoover was
President! Why can't they just give out the awaaards and
have it all ovvvvver with?"

It's the week after the Oscarcast and once again, it's
time for the endless rounds of bellyaching. What the
hell is the problem? Here we have a showcase in which
all of the absolute top-drawer stars are on display
behind open microphones on live, international
television. Here we have some of the most prepared and
packaged and polished celebrities, whose every
appearance in the media is usually filtered through
gangs of press agents and spin doctors...and one out of
five of them is going to be thrust onto a stage in front
of a billion people (allegedly) and react to the news
that their trade organization took a vote and decided
that their work should be singled out as a hallmark of
excellence.

We see the best acts in music performing. We get to look
back on a year's worth of great films and we get to
observe the passing of some of our favorite performers.
We get introduced to filmmakers whom the general public
has never really heard of before; makers of
documentarites, shorts, and animation, and foreign
filmmakers, all of whom have been quietly building
amazing bodies of work outside of the glare of the
mainstream.

We get to see Billy Crystal and his writers deliver,
year after year.

Unmoved by this? Well, let's look at other Live TV
Events, shall we?

Take the Super Bowl, for instance. I read a statistic
claiming that a typical televised football game -- the
Super Bowl included -- lasts between three and four
hours. This despite the fact that the game consists of
four timed fifteen-minute quarters, and that if you just
ran the stopwatch when the ball was actually in motion,
you'd have about 20 minutes of action, total.

The pre-game starts a little after noon and the wrap-up
ends at about ten, for roughly ten hours of time spent
on one football game.

Oh, but it's not just the one game, is it? Every Sunday
for three months, the entire network gets held hostage
to the sport. Ever try to watch "60 Minutes" or "The
Simpsons" at its appointed time during the winter? You
can't.

Of course we don't have to think that far back for an
example, do we? How about the NCAA Basketball playoffs?
College basketball, I need to remind you, is not even
professional sports. They're amateurs, every one of 'em.
So why is it that I can't watch normal programming for
weeks on end? Why do I have to wait until Conan Hour to
see Letterman?

And why, for the love of God and all that's holy, are
they even bothering to devote night after night of
network programming to stages of this pageant that are
ridiculously far removed from the actual championship
game? If the network continues to stretch out its
advertising putsch, we'll turn on the TV and find teams
of chubby, bald forty-year-olds from some Nebraska
night-school GED program puffing up and down the court
as part of the Thrilling Thirty-Two or Sensational
Sixty-Four or the Honorable Hundred And Twenty-Eight.

The bottom line is this: if you're bored silly by the
whole concept of the Oscars, and just want to know who
won and be done with it, then just look it up in the
damned paper the next morning and shut your trap. Now
you know how I feel about football and basketball,
except your torment is over and done with in only one
evening. If the Oscarcast truly deserves all of these
histrionic complaints over a mere hour or two of
needless puffery, then televised sports deserve the same
treatment the Nazis got at the end of "Raiders Of The
Lost Ark."



***


If you caught Thursday's premiere of the new ABC series
"Wonderland," which takes place in a psychiatric hospital
modeled on New York City's Bellevue, I'd like to hear your
thoughts on it.  At least two groups have registered their
protests at the depiction of the mentally ill as violent
psychopaths (although the declaration from the American
Psychiatric Association does not single out "Wonderland"
by name).  What do you think?  Let me know at aaron@...
-- I may use your comments in an upcoming story.


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 April 3: in 1988, Willem Dafoe, Robert De Niro, Michael
	 J. Fox, Sean Penn, Kathleen Turner and Robin Williams
	 are among those lending their voices to servicemen
	 writing home from the war as HBO steams open "Dear
	 America: Letters Home from Vietnam." Instead of
	 recreations, the film uses newsreel footage, NBC
	 newscasts, veterans' home movies, and music from Bruce
	 Springsteen, Creedence Clearwater Revival, the Doors and
	 the Rolling Stones.

	 April 4: in 1984, Bye Bye Bozo! Bob Bell retires as
	 WGN's famed clown after 23 years of giggles and
	 greasepaint.

	 April 5: In 1980, It's taken 12 seasons but Steve
	 McGarrett of the "Hawaii 5-0" finally catches his
	 nemesis Wo Fat in the series finale. Says Wo Fat, "A
	 fitting end, McGarrett. Through a dozen adventures which
	 have had no resolution, we come now to the final act of
	 this, this morality play." To which McGarrett can only
	 add, "I've waited a long time for this, Wo Fat. Now I'm
	 going to have the unique pleasure of booking you
	 myself."

	 April 6: In 1967, "Star Trek's" Captain Kirk faces the
	 dilemma of letting social worker Joan Collins die in the
	 time-travel episode, "City on the Edge of Forever." If
	 she lives, the Nazis will win World War II. If she dies,
	 we won't have to see her in another episode.
	 Instinctively, Kirk makes the right choice.

	 April 7: In 1927, images of Commerce Secretary Herbert
	 Hoover are the highlight of the successful long-distance
	 demonstration of television, allowing viewers in New
	 York City to see all the excitement happening in
	 Washington. Oddly, people will eventually decide to buy
	 sets anyway.

	 April 8: In 1977, Gabe Kaplan hosts tonight's episode of
	 NBC's "The Midnight Special," with Rod Stewart, ABBA,
	 and Gary Wright. It's enough to make white supremacists
	 seriously question their values.

	 April 9: In 1981, Marla Gibbs allows herself to become
	 part of a question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" by
	 "Checking In" to New York City's Saint Fredrick Hotel to
	 become its executive housekeeper, thus spinning off from
	 "All In the Family" spinoff "The Jeffersons" -- if only
	 for a month.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, and the faboo sourcebooks of
	 Brooks, Marsh, and MacNeil. Visit Tom Heald Test
	 Patterns website at <http://www.come.to/testpattern> or
	 harass him on ICQ at 69568514.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com/>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 4/3 Brooke Shields, Oliver Platt, Joni Mitchell
Tu 4/4 David Duchovny, Lou Reed
We 4/5 Bonnie Hunt
Th 4/6 Marv Albert, Samuel L. Jackson
Fr 4/7 Jack Hanna, Edward Norton, Faith Hill

Mo 4/10 Sandra Bullock, David Copperfield
Tu 4/11 Jenna Elfman, dance troupe Children of Uganda
We 4/12 Paul Newman, Pearl Jam
Th 4/13 Ben Stiller, Kelly Monteith, Willie Nelson


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 4/3 John McEnroe, Kirsten Dunst, Catatonia
Tu 4/4 Gillian Anderson, Judge Greg Mathis, 'N Sync
We 4/5 John Travolta, Skidboot the wonder dog, Goo Goo Dolls
Th 4/6 Noah Wyle, adult inventors
Fr 4/7 Claudia Schiffer, Terry Bradshaw

Mo 4/10 David Arquette, Elizabeth Perkins, Oasis
Tu 4/11 Lucy Lawless, D.L. Hughley, Patti Smith
We 4/12 Robin Williams, the Umbilical Brothers, No Doubt
Th 4/13 Shaquille O'Neal, Sarah McLachlan
Fr 4/14 Emeril Lagasse


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 4/3 Bob Costas, Danny DeVito
Tu 4/4 Don Cheadle, Leslie Bibb, Guster
We 4/5 Ray Romano, Carroll O'Connor, Dan Naturman
Th 4/6 basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski
Fr 4/7 Leah Remini

Mo 4/10 Donny Osmond, Bob Smith
Tu 4/11 Martin Mull, Margaret Colin
We 4/12 Veronica Webb, Bill Brochtrup
Th 4/13 David Duchovny, Fishbone


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 4/3 Chris Rock, Ann Curry (R 9/8/99)
Tu 4/4 Jimmy Smits, Jack Black, Foo Fighters
We 4/5 Jason Gedrick, Dana Carvey
Th 4/6 David Duchovny, Christina Aguilera
Fr 4/7 Bonnie Hunt, No Doubt

Mo 4/10 Angelina Jolie, Robert Urich, Upright Citizens Brigade (R 1/13/00)
Tu 4/11 Tom Arnold, Heidi Klum, Stereophonics
We 4/12 Claudia Schiffer, Ed Byrne
Th 4/13 Hugh Hefner
Fr 4/14 Josh Rouse


LATER, NBC
Mo 4/3 Kim Masters
Tu 4/4 Luna
We 4/5 Kevon Edmonds
Th 4/6 Tracie Spencer


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 4/3 PLO head Faisal Husseini, Enrique Iglesias


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 4/3 Roger Loggia, Rebecca Hagelin, Tom Bergeron, Harland Williams
Tu 4/4 Howie Mandel, Chuck D, Genevieve Wood
We 4/5 Cerys Matthews, Christopher Titus, Carroll O'Connor
Th 4/6 Tom Smothers, Harry Hamlin, Ian Gomez, Tasia Scolinos
Fr 4/7 David Arquette, Rose McGowan, Scott Caan, Diamond Dallas Page

Mo 4/10 Julia Butterfly Hill, Zach Galifinakis
Tu 4/11 Ward Connerly, Reno Collier, Elizabeth Perkins, Eric Idle


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 4/3 Kim Delaney (R 3/14/00)
Tu 4/4 Sam Donaldson (R 3/29/00)
We 4/5 Joshua Jackson (R 3/28/00)
Th 4/6 Eric Idle (R 3/22/00)

Mo 4/10 Peter Berg
Tu 4/11 Patrick Stewart
We 4/12 Queen Latifah
Th 4/13 David Alan Grier


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBO
Su 4/9 11:50 PM Tyson Beckford and Maxwell (2/28/97)
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 4/3 NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and musical guest Lenny Kravitz (8/28/98)
Tu 4/4 NJ Nets Jayson Williams and comedian Melanie Comacho (9/4/98)
We 4/5 Rosie Perez and musical guest Esthero (9/18/98)
Th 4/6 Wynton Marsalis and musical guest Biz Markie (10/2/98)
Fr 4/7 D.L. Hughley and musical rappers Outkast (10/9/98)


DAVID CROSS: THE PRIDE IS BACK, HBO Comedy
Tu 4/4 10PM
Fr 4/7 1 AM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Mo 4/3 2:50 AM & Tu 4/4 Midnight Christopher Hitchens on "Bush v. Gore"
Fr 4/7 11:30 PM & Mo 4/10 1:30 PM & Tu 4/11 Eric Idle on "The Penis" (rerun
Su 4/9 12:20 AM on HBO Plus)
Fr 4/14 11:30 PM & Mo 4/17 2:25 AM & Tu 4/18 Midnight Guest and topic TBA
(rerun Su 4/16 11:35 PM on HBO Plus)
Fr 4/28 11:30 PM Frank McCourt on "Topic TBA" (rerun Su 4/30 11 PM on HBO
Plus)
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 4/3 Don Rickles on Ethnicity (3/08/96)
Tu 4/4 Steve Young on Sportsmanship (3/15/96)
We 4/5 Janeane Garafalo on Women's Fashion (3/22/96)
Th 4/6 Jason Alexander on Modern Psychology (3/29/96)
Fr 4/7 Paul Sorvino on Child Rearing (4/12/96)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 4/3 "Next Stop Bottom" Sarah Jessica Parker, Mary Gross, Wendy Leibman,
George Segal
Tu 4/4 "Arthur's Crises (a.k.a. Artie's Crisis)" Clint Black, Kris
Kristofferson
      + 9:35 PM "Jeannie's Visit" Tatjana Patitz
We 4/5 "End of the Season" Roseanne, Pat Sajak, Michael Richards, Jeff Cesario
Th 4/6 "Roseanne's Return" Roseanne, Chevy Chase
Fr 4/7 "Hank's New Assistant" Dana Carvey
      HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 4/5 "Life Behind Larry" Kevin Nealon, Richard Lewis, David Letterman,
Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Snyder (7/7/93); "Artie's Gone" Bruno Kirby, Steven
Wright, Porno For Pyros (7/14/93)


THE LATE SHIFT, HBO
Tu 4/4 1:45 PM


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 4/8 Musical Guest Creed / "Celine Dion" tries to mold her shy sister
Maureen Dion into her image with help from Ricky Martin in "Celine Dion's
Farewell Special," and Elvis Presley mesmerizing his entourage with
'compelling' ancedotes in "Conversations with Elvis"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 4/3 "It's A No Brainer" - Li'l Devil Knee Socks, Protestors, On The Spot
NEws, Line-up Room/VTV, Culture Hunt, Frankly Anne, Europe Maps, Jack Webber,
Calendar, Dream Of A Lifetime, Massage Cream, Anders' Press Conference/Sloppy
Close, Fishing
Tu 4/4 "A White Men Set Them Free"Ý- Viewer Hate Mail/Cracker Barrel, Bob &
David Go Mail Box, Sarcasmo, Marriage Con, Map Link, Bioshpere, Humanimal
Photo, Ice Cream Flavors, Last Indian Doodlesnicker, Carton The Last Indian,
Vietnam Helicopter, Army Scene, Movie Still, Night Talk w/ The Senate
SubcommitteeEst. Shot Arena W/ Announcer, All Star Salute To The Last Indian,
Last Indian
We 4/5 "The Return Of The Curse of The Creature's Ghost" Moe Phelps open,
Happy Janitor, Local World News, Blowj*b, Titanicca Pre-taped callin show,
The Return Of The Curse Of The Creature's Ghost Chip On Your Shoulder Club,
Up Your Mother's A**,
Th 4/6 "Life Is Precious And God And The Bible" - Medical Marijuana Open,
Pharmacy, Law School, Cloning Hitler, Lifeboat, Scams And Flams, Weather
Close "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club, Toenapper
News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000,
Fart Lighting Close
Fr 4/7 "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club, Toenapper
News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000,
Fart Lighting Close
Sa 4/8 9:30 PM The Best of Mr. Show with Bob & David
      HBO Plus
Fr 4/7 9:45 PM "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper Open, Phone Sex,
Audition, Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking Close


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 4/3 Star running back of The Toronto Argonauts - Michael "Pinball"
Clemons, comedian Rob Ross, and musical guest Martha Wainwright
Tu 4/4 Pat McKenna from Traders & Red Green Show, comedian Adam Growe, and
musical guest Paul Brandt
We 4/5 Hockey legend Ted Lindsay, The Amazing Kreskin, and musical guest
Michie Mee
Th 4/6 Toronto Raptor Vince Carter, Kim Stockwood, and musical guest Jazmin
Fr 4/7 Sunday Night Sex Show host Sue Johanson, The Human Edge host Ian
Brown, and musical guest Blue Rodeo (Tonight's show will only be seen on the
Comedy Network. We have been pre-empted on CTV for the Canadian Comedy
Awards.)


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 3)
Mo 4/3 5:35 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 4/8 Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 4/3 1 PM Michael Keaton / Morrisey (1992-'93) Elevator Man, The Gutties,
The Set-Up;  6 PM Steve Martin / Eric Clapton + Brian Austin Green + Roger
Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell (1994-'95) Clinton auditions, Home
Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron Wood Show, Super Sports Tours;
Midnight Jimmy Smits / World Party + Bob Costas (1990-'91) Chia Head, Game
Challengers, Simon, The Dark Side with Nat X
Tu 4/4 1 PM Tom Arnold / Neil Young + Dick Butkus (1992-'93) Wayne's World,
Sex & Peer Pressure At Valley High, Clinton at McDonald's, Super Fans at the
hospital, GED class reunion;  6 PM Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt (1994-'95)
Mona Lisa Vito, Piercing Today, Daily Affirmation, Eric Bogosian vs Spaulding
Gray, Bridal Fair;  Midnight George Wendt / Elvis Costello (1991-'92) Dennis
Miller's last show, Lil' General Fireworks, Mr. No-Depth Perception, Super
Fans talk about the Bulls & the Bears, Pat at the barber, The Carsenio Show,
I'm Chillin', Burger Barn drive-through
We 4/5 1 PM Glenn Close / Black Crowes (1992-'93) Coffee Talk, What's the
Best Way?, Drummer Boy;  6 PM Sarah Jessica Parker / R.E.M. (1994-'95) host
sings "Tomorrow", Eterna Rest coffin, Good Morning Brooklyn, Confucius, The
Casting Couch, WIzard of Oz, Michael O'Donoghue eulogy;  Midnight Alec
Baldwin / Whitney Houston + Evander Holyfield (1990-'91) The McLaughlin
Group, host's inner thoughts, The Dancer, The Sinead O'Connor, Cyrano de
Bergerac, Lank Thompson's "I'm A Handsome Actor" course
Th 4/6 1 PM Danny Devito / Bon Jovi (1992-'93) Amy Fisher, Gap Girls, Mafia
Wife;  6 PM John Turturro / Tom Petty + David Hasselhoff + Joey Buttafuoco
(1994-95) Newt Gingrich's Not-so-Wonderful Liberal Life, Quiz Show, Eych,
Christopher Walken's Celebrity Psychic Friend Gary Busey, Taxi Driver : the
Musical, Stop That, Jamaicans, The Movie Club, Josh Levine v. Ira Resnick;
Midnight Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson (1991-'92) Wayne's World, C-Span
Covers the Election
Fr 4/7 1 PM Harvey Keitel / Madonna (1992-'93) Bathroom Attendant, Subway,
Pat, Deer Heads;  6 PM Alec Baldwin / Beastie Boys + Christian Slater
(1994-'95) Joycelyn Elders, L.A. Breast & Penis, Rookie Cop, Young & The
Youthful;  10 PM Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell (1997-'98)
Oprah & Marv Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita Delvecchio, Car
Crash victims who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet Reno,  Fun With
Real Audio : Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun, Joe Pesci, Orange Julius holdover,
Planet Hollywood fans, Lou's Lovely Daughters, Elton John's "More Songs I
Wrote To Honor Dead People";  11 PM Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five
(1997-'98) Publishers Clearing House in the ghetto, Pulp Fiction screen
tests, Jazzterpieces, Judge Judy, TVFunhouse : George Clooney, Titanic,
Mango, The Learning Annex, Poolside Lovin
Sa 4/8 Noon Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon (1992-'93) - Larry
King Live, Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With Dennis Miller,"
Sunday Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt;  1 PM Woody Harrelson / Vanessa
Williams (1991-'92) The Last Tonight Show, Action Cats, Politically Incorrect
P.I., Super Fans, Operaman, The Sensitive Naked Man;  4 PM Patrick Stewart/
Salt-N-Pepa (1993-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures, Scottish Therapist,  sexy
bathroom cakes, Love Boat : The Next Generation, Cosby Mysteries, Show & Tell
with Joycelyn Elders, It's Not Their Fault

TENACIOUS D HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Mo 4/3 9:45 PM
We 4/5 3:35 AM
Th 4/6 9:45 PM


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO
Sa 4/8 3PM Royalty (2/14/96)
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 4/3 Marriage (1/04/98)
Tu 4/4 Hollywood (1/11/98)
We 4/5 Smoking (1/18/98)
      + 8:30 AM Smoking (1/18/98)
Th 4/6  Loss (1/25/98)
Fr 4/7 Agents (2/01/98)
Sa 4/8  6 AM Age (2/08/98)
Sa 4/8  Age (2/08/98)
Su 4/9  Man's Best Friend (2/22/98)
      + 11 AM Sports (3/08/98)
      HBO Signature
Th 4/6  1PM Fantasy (1/25/97)
Sa 4/8 12:30 PM Sex (1/18/97)
Su 4/9  2:30 PM Fame (3/27/96)
      HBO Plus
We 4/5  11:30 AM Best of Second Season (5/28/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 4/3 10:30PM & Sat. 4/8 1:30AM The Upright Citizens Brigade finally reveals
the sport of the future: Pro Thunderball.



Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	     March 27: in 1989, NBC unveils the first
	 soap opera to debut in which one of its "core
	 families" is black. "Generations" features
	 Vivica A. Fox, Debbi Morgan, Smokey Robinson,
	 Richard "Shaft" Roundtree, and Kristoff St.
	 John. And among the heavy topics covered in the
	 half hour drama's 470 episodes are sickle-cell
	 anemia, a murder mystery involving diamonds
	 hidden in a stuffed moose head, and intrigue in
	 the world of the ice cream industry of Chicago.

	     March 28: in 1985, with the Academy Awards
	 are on ABC, who dares to watch anything else?
	 For the first time in over a decade, a lot of
	 people are watching NBC, which dares to take on
	 the Oscars with "The Cosby Show" -- and wins the
	 time period.

	     March 29: in 1967, it's "The CBS Evening
	 News" with ... Arnold Zenker?!? That's right.
	 Because Walter Cronkite has joined the picket
	 lines of the American Federation of Television
	 and Radio Artists, in the first nationwide
	 strike in the 30-year history of the union,
	 Zenker, a former Wilmington, Del., radio
	 announcer, gets his first and only exposure on
	 network TV. Cronkite is off the air 13 days.

	     March 30: in 1999, CBS changes its hairdo,
	 getting rid of its silver mutton-chop sideburns
	 for a blow dried pompadour. "Late Late Show"
	 changes hands from "our old buddy Tom" to our
	 new frat brother "Craiggers." Gone are the sexy
	 sax licks of David Sanborn and here, for now,
	 are the raw beats of 2 Live Crew, and a switch
	 from the intelligence of one substantive
	 question to a joking set of five.

	     March 31: in 1987, on "Moonlighting," David
	 and Maddie "boink."

	     April 1: in 1957, BBC newscaster, Richard
	 Dimbleby fools many his "Panorama" viewers with
	 a report on "spring spaghetti crop in Italy,"
	 featuring over ten pounds of the pasta being
	 picked from a tree.

	     April 2: in 1978, the tale of Romeo and
	 Juliet hits a fork in the road and heads South
	 to Texas in a five-week miniseries about love
	 amidst the feuding Barnes and Ewing families in
	 "Dallas." If it does well, they might make it
	 into a regular series.

	     [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh, &
	 McNeil. Listen to Tom Heald's "No Soap Radio!"
	 and "The Annoying Hour" each Thursday from 5-8
	 PM ET at <http://www.kteq.org> or buy wares
	 suggested by his column at
	 <http://www.come.to/testpattern>.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Tu 3/28 Minnie Driver, Trisha Yearwood
We 3/29 Jimmy Smits, kid scientists, Bruce Cockburn
Th 3/30 John Cusack
Fr 3/31 David Arquette, Al Green

Mo 4/3 Brooke Shields, Oliver Platt, Joni Mitchell
Tu 4/4 David Duchovny, Lou Reed
We 4/5 Bonnie Hunt
Th 4/6 Marv Albert, Samuel L. Jackson
Fr 4/7 Jack Hanna, Edward Norton, Faith Hill


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Tu 3/28 Denzel Washington, breast painter Angel Tolentino, Foo Fighters
(R 1/13/00)
We 3/29 Sandra Bullock, Dick Vermeil, Montell Jordan, LL Cool J (R
2/4/00)
Th 3/30 Meg Ryan, sumo wrestler Emmanuel Yarbrough, Little Richard (R
2/16/00)
Fr 3/31 Steve Martin, Katie Holmes, Julian Lennon (R 8/11/99)

Mo 4/3 John McEnroe, Kirsten Dunst, Catatonia
Tu 4/4 Gillian Anderson, Judge Greg Mathis, 'N Sync
We 4/5 John Travolta, Skidboot the wonder dog, Goo Goo Dolls
Th 4/6 Noah Wyle, adult inventors


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Tu 3/28 Roger Ebert, Devon Sawa
We 3/29 Christopher McDonald
Th 3/30 Chyna, Lit
Fr 3/31 The Rock, Chris Titus

Mo 4/3 Bob Costas, Danny DeVito
Tu 4/4 Ray Romano
We 4/5 Carroll O'Connor
Th 4/6 Minnie Driver, basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Tu 3/28 Martin Short, model Sarah O'Hare, Black Crowes (R 2/25/99)
We 3/29 Kevin Spacey, Christina Applegate, boxer Prince Naseem Hamed (R
10/1/99)
Th 3/30 Mike Myers, Julian Lennon (R 6/18/99)
Fr 3/31 Adam Sandler, WWF owner Vince McMahon (R 6/24/99)

Mo 4/3 Chris Rock, Ann Curry (R 9/8/99)
Tu 4/4 Jimmy Smits, Jack Black, Foo Fighters
We 4/5 Jason Gedrick, Dana Carvey
Th 4/6 David Duchovny
Fr 4/7 Bonnie Hunt, No Doubt

Mo 4/10 Rerun TBA
Tu 4/11 Stereophonics


LATER, NBC
Tu 3/28 Lenny Kravitz
We 3/29 Reba McEntire
Th 3/30 D.L. Hughley

Mo 4/3 Kim Masters
Tu 4/4 Luna
We 4/5 Kevon Edmonds
Th 4/6 Tracie Spencer


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Tu 3/28 Deputy Defense Minister for Israel Ephraim Sneh, Billy Crudup
We 3/29 Hosni Mubarak


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Tu 3/28 Jane Pratt, Betsy Hart, Paul Gilmartin, Peter Krause
We 3/29 Michael Chiklis, Nancy Wolf, Mo'Nique, John Schneider
Th 3/30 Jane Chastain, Carl Hiaasen
Fr 3/31 Carrot Top, Amy Holmes, Jennifer Grant

Mo 4/3 Roger Loggia, Rebecca Hagelin, Tom Bergeron
Tu 4/4 TBA
We 4/5 Cerys Matthews
Th 4/6 Tom Smothers, Harry Hamlin, Ian Gomez
Fr 4/7 David Arquette, Rose McGowan, Scott Caan, Diamond Dallas Page


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Tu 3/28 Joshua Jackson
We 3/29 Sam Donaldson
Th 3/30 Jimmy Smits

Mo 4/3 Rerun TBA
Tu 4/4 Rerun TBA
We 4/5 Rerun TBA
Th 4/6 Rerun TBA

Mo 4/10 Peter Berg
Tu 4/11 Patrick Stewart
We 4/12 Queen Latifah
Th 4/13 David Alan Grier


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 4/2 11:45 PM Jenifer Lewis and D'Angelo (2/14/97)
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 3/27 Vivica A. Fox, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott (10/3/97)
Tu 3/28 Jada Pinkett and musical guest LSG (12/12/97)
We 3/29 Jenifer Lewis and D'Angelo (2/14/97)
Th 3/30 Jerry Springer and and rapper DMX (9/11/98)
Fr 3/31 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky (8/21/98)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 3/31 - Christopher Hitchens on "Bush v. Gore" (repeat HBO Plus Su 4/2
11
PM)
Fr 4/7 - Eric Idle on "The Penis"
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 3/27 George Clooney on The Single Life (1/26/96)
Tu 3/28 David Spade on Generation X (2/02/96)
We 3/29 Julia Louis-Dreyfuss on Broken Families (2/09/96)
Th 3/30 Arianna Huffington on Electoral System (2/16/96)
Fr 3/31 James Cromwell on Animal Rights (2/23/96)
Sa 4/1 (9:30 PM) George Carlin on Armed Forces (6/13/97)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 3/27 "Like No Business I Know"Regis Philbin, Bobcat Goldthwait
Tu 3/28 "Larry Loses a Friend"Jon Lovitz
We 3/29 "Doubt of the Benefit" Rob Reiner, Pauly Shore, Richard Belzer
Th 3/30 "Hank's Divorce" Joan Embry Alex Trebek, Wayne Rogers
Fr 3/31 "The Fourteenth Floor" John Ritter
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 3/29 "Larry's Agent" Tommy Newsom, Doc Severinsen, Barry Levinson
(6/23/93) & 10:30pm "The Hankerciser 200" (6/30/93)


THE LATE SHIFT, HBO
Sa 4/1 1:45 AM


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 4/1 Mitch Pileggi (r-11/23/99) Fight Like A Girl Club, Who Wants to
Be a
Millionaire?, Reality Check, Reading Caboose, UBS-Mitch Pileggi, Wedding
Night, Inside the Actor's Studio-Andie MacDowell, Babewatch


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
     HBO
Tu 3/28 5:30 AM "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper Open, Phone
Sex,
Audition, Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking
Close
     HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 3/27 "Oh, You Men" - Banana/Mayor Of Television, Ventriloquists,
People
Watching/TV Guide, The Hanged Man, Delongpre Dannon, Sticky Pads. Lie
Detector, Television TV, Time Caplet, Draggachusettes, LoseThe Lost
Episode,
Guard Throws Tape/Monkey
Tu 3/28 "Flat-Top Tony and The Purple Canoes" Womyn's Solidarity
Collective,
Black & White Film (Hard Day's Night), VTV (Smoosh, Norma Jean Monster)
Break-Thru Weekend, Young People & Companions, Bloopers, Fashion
Forecast,
Fashion Documentary, Constant Chum High, Indomitable Spirit, Apocalypse
Drill, Smoosh On Moon
We 3/29 "Please Don't Kill Me" - Swearing Jar, TV Ministry, Swearing
Preacher, Rolling In It/ Ferarri, Landlords, Victor & Dylan, Fad Three
Hunger
Strike, Mayostard/Mustardayonnaise, Evil Genius Telethon
Th 3/30 "Goin' on A Holiday" - Elderly, Age War, "Bills, Bills Bills!"
Our
Secret Love, Marriage Photo, Photo Shop, Blowing Up The Mon, Spunk, Don
Pratt, SMC/Streakers, Goin' on A Holiday
Fr 3/31 "Bush is A Pussy" - Kedsie Takes Over, Worthington's Law, Value
Magazine, Ranking Money, Siamese Twins, Bad News Breakers, Mafia
Mathematicians, 24 is the Highest Number, Marching Band, Philouza,
Mediocrity, Dr. Katz


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 3/27 "Cleopatra 2525's" Victoria Pratt, Louis Belanger, and musical
guest
Rollins Band
Tu 3/28 Montreal S.O. and Calgary Philharmonic Conductor Keri-Lynn
Wilson,
TSN's Dave Hodge, and musical guest Jazzberry Ram
We 3/28 David Crosby, Sex advice from Dr. Sue Johanson, and musical
guest
Amanda Stott
Th 3/29 Star of "Virtual Mom" -- Sheila McCarthy and musical guest
Qaurtatto
Gelato
Fr 3/30 Led Zeppelin's John Paul Jones


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
We 3/29 9:30pm


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 4/1 Christina Ricci / Beck (r-12/4/99) Clinton disses the
Republicans,
Spartan Spirits at the holiday parade, So This is Chanukah (maybe), Who
Wants
to Eat?, Taxicab Confessions, Fun with Real Audio, Goth Talk - home
video,
Sally, Save Me From My Wild Teen, brief Madeline Kahn tribute
Sa 4/8 Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 3/27 1 PM & Midnight Roseanne / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The
Rubber
Band (1990-'91) Mr. Subliminal, MetroCard, Misery II, Pat, Happy Fun
Ball,
Comedy Killers Victoria's Secrets;  6 PM Courtney Cox / Dave Mathews
Band
(1994-'95) Matt Foley, Good Morning Brooklyn, The Gap girls on Jeopardy,
Replacement Baseball, His Muse
Tu 3/28 1 PM & Midnight Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction (1997-'98) Fun
With
Real Audio- Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man, news Tommy
Flanagan,
Late Show with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The New York Times,
The
Robin Byrd Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!";  6 PM Steve Martin / Eric
Clapton +
Brian Austin Green + Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell
(1994-'95)
Clinton auditions, Home Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron Wood
Show,
Super Sports Tours
We 3/29 1 PM & Midnight Claire Danes / Mariah Carey (1997-'98) The View,
The
Singing Mohan Culps, The Ambiguously Gay Duo, Tinkerbell, Joe Blow news,
Mr.
Peepers;  6 PM Sting / Veruca Salt + Mark Hamill + Trudie Styler
(1996-'97)
Mr. Peepers, Evita, The Laid Back Neutral MC's, Don & Eddie Shopping
Network,
Colin Quinn's St. Patrick's Day message, Brendan Boyle Show, Race &
Racism
Th 3/30 1 PM Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five (1997-'98) Publishers
Clearing House in the ghetto, Pulp Fiction screen tests, Jazzterpieces,
Judge
Judy, TVFunhouse : George Clooney, Titanic, Mango, The Learning Annex,
Poolside Lovin;  6 PM Saturday Night Live Goes Commercial;  Midnight SNL
Remembers Phil Hartman
Fr 3/31 1 PM John Goodman / Paula Cole + Dan Aykroyd (1997-'98) Linda
Tripp,
The Blues Brothers Morning Latte, Clinton at Mount Sinai, Clinton (DAH)
seeks
loophole in anti-adultery Commandment, Nagano Olympics, X-Presidents &
X-First Ladies, William Ginsburg, Judge Judy, Martha Stewart,
Storytellers-
Neil Diamond; 6 PM Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon
(1992-'93)
- Larry King Live, Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With
Dennis
Miller," Sunday Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt
Sa 4/1 1 PM Matthew Broderick / Natalie Merchant & Tenacious D + Regis
Philbin (1996-'97) Ladies' Man, The View, Pretty Living, Celine Dion,
Tony
Blair;  David Hyde Pierce / Live (1994-'95) Amazin' Laser, Tales Of
Little
Women, Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly, Perspectives, Internet sex,
Movie News
Sa 4/2 10 AM Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D'Arby (1987-'88) Bob
Dole,
Learning to Feel, Family Ties, Derek Stevens


TENACIOUS D., HBO Comedy
Su 4/2 2:00 AM Episode 2


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Tu 3/28 6 AM Best of Second Season (5/28/97)
Th 3/30 1:30 PM Nostalgia (2/07/96)
     HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 3/27 Crime (3/19/97) + Food (3/12/97)
Tu 3/28 Movies (3/26/97)
We 3/29 Money (4/02/97)
Th 3/30 Race Relations (4/09/97) + 9:30 AM Road Rage (2/17/99) + 9:35 PM
Fantasy (1/25/97)
Fr 3/31 Supernatural (4/16/97)
Sa 4/1 6:15 AM New York (1993 special) & 7:30 Politics (4/23/97)
Su 4/2 7:30 PM Music (4/30/97)
     HBO Signature
Fr 3/24 6:45 PM Politics (4/23/97)
Sa 3/25 4 PM Music (4/30/97)
We 3/29 8 AM Politics (4/23/97) & 8:30 AM Music (4/30/97)
Th 3/30 3:35 AM Music (4/30/97)
Sa 4/1 7 AM & 4 PM Fame (3/27/96)
Su 4/2 8:30 AM Sex (1/18/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 3/27 10:30PM & Sat. 4/1 1:30AM To save an Astronaut’s life, NASA
scrambles
to create an alternative space food to Edible Panties.
Mo 4/3 10:30PM & Sat. 4/8 1:30AM The Upright Citizens Brigade finally
reveal

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Mar. 27-Apr. 2, 2000
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Oscars 2000: Bigger, longer and uncut

As the 72nd Academy Awards broadcast sputtered past the
one-hour mark, presenter Kate Blanchett was heard
invoking ``Hamlet'': ``Brevity is the soul of wit,''
said she, and no, it certainly wasn't a reference to the
show.

In their first turn at producing the Oscar telecast,
Richard D. and Lili Fini Zanuck had spent the last month
promising America that this year's Oscars would be
shorter than last year's 4-hour march. Well, it wasn't
shorter and it definitely wasn't any wittier.

The Zanucks compressed certain elements of the broadcast
and eliminated others. And perhaps sensing the show
would run long anyway, they tried their darndest to keep
the screen as busy as possible. The Oscars are not known
for being visually ambitious, but this one had floating
graphics, shots from backstage, multiple views, and a
lighted floor that looked like a reject from ``Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire.''

The telecast got off to a hopeful start with yet another
sensational opening montage of movie clips featuring the
show's host, Billy Crystal, dropped Zelig-like into
scenes from ``The Exorcist,'' ``Casablanca,'' ``The
Graduate'' (in drag), and many others.

But that was followed by a less illustrious tradition:
Crystal singing his usual five musical parodies to the
year's five best picture nominees, including a baffling
tribute to Michael Caine done to a two-generation-old
Broadway tune from ``Mame.''

It was that way the rest of the night. For every lively
or captivating moment _ such as Caine's heartfelt
tribute to his fellow nominees for best supporting actor
_ there were ponderous ordeals like the segment
featuring world history as seen through the lens of
Hollywood. That marathon clip reel brought to mind a
line from ``Macbeth''; it was ``full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.''

The Zanucks did solve the evening's thorniest problem:
how to feature best song nominee ``Blame Canada,'' a
foul-mouthed tune from the R-rated cartoon ``South Park:
Bigger, Longer and Uncut.'' They turned it into an
uproarious, over-the-top musical number led by Robin
Williams, who added a censor's touch by entering with a
piece of duct tape over his mouth.

But too often the program bogged down under the weight
of its own gravitas, such as Warren Beatty's windy
acceptance speech on receiving the Irving Thalberg
award.

The Zanucks didn't help themselves by using announcer
Peter Coyote, whose deadpan delivery invited comparisons
to sitcom star Norm Macdonald. Only when Norm does it,
he's trying to be funny.

Going into one commercial break, Coyote told us what was
coming next: ``Oscar winner Burt Bacharach leads an
all-star musical salute to past Oscar-nominated songs.''

Oh boy! Can't wait!

Maybe it's just that we have seen all there is to see
from Crystal, head writer Bruce Vilanch and the others
who have been the brains behind most Oscar telecasts of
the past decade. Crystal now belongs to the upper tier
of venerable Academy Award ceremony hosts, but unlike
Bob Hope or Johnny Carson, Crystal is not a Hollywood
icon, which may explain why, for someone who's been
doing it so long, his grip on the Oscars seems unusually
tenuous.


***


"Nightline" at 20

Forget how Ted Koppel has or hasn't changed in the 20
years since he started doing "Nightline." All you need
do is turn back the clock six years.

The year was 1994. We hadn't fathomed how addictive
"live, breaking news" would become to the country's news
organizations, who were soon covering the bejeezus out
of a single news story, then swarming on to another
story, and so on ad nauseam. And none of us had a clue
what role the rapidly expanding Internet would play in
reporting and disseminating the news. Heck, we hadn't
even fully realized that the O.J. Simpson case would
prove to be the TV journalistic equivalent of crack.

What we did know was this: Ted Koppel was a fan neither
of live news coverage nor new technology. He thought
both would be disasters for the TV news industry.

Today, Koppel still hasn't changed his tune on live news
coverage. But it's instructive to see, from his recent
interview with the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz, that
he has done a 180 on technology. And as he prepares to
punch "30" on a long and illustrious broadcast career --
he told Kurtz he's leaving "Nightline" in three to five
years -- the Internet could very well be the last hope
for the kind of serious and thoughtful journalism Koppel
strives to do on his program.

Just six years ago, Koppel gave an address at Harvard in
which he decried the future of television news, which he
saw moving away from an advertising-supported model to
one where viewers could, a la carte, order up the type
of news they wanted. That trend, Koppel said, "will
winnow out the well-to-do, well-educated viewers," who
can pay for information as they wish, and leave behind
"the less well-to-do and the less well-educated among
us." And what they get, predicted Koppel, "will truly be
television of the lowest common denominator: a National
Enquirer of the air, sponsored by those products for
whom demographics are irrelevant."

He concluded: "Television, which for so many years has
been the great homogenizer in this country, seems poised
to go the way of radio stations and newspapers and
magazines. And since you were nice enough to ask, I'll
tell you: I think it's a lousy idea."

Well, not any more, he doesn't. Kurtz reports that
Koppel is now "fascinated by the new TiVo machines --
no, he doesn't have one -- that allow a viewer to pause
a show in real time while the device keeps recording it.
He envisions a wired environment in which you're
watching a two-minute report on Kosovo and a question
pops up on the screen, asking if you want more
information. If you click yes, the original show is
paused while you get a seven-minute report on Kosovo,
and if you click yes again, perhaps a discussion about
Kosovo, until you've had your fill and go back to the
original show."

What's changed? Certainly not Ted's techno habits -- he
still only checks his e-mail once a month, and he still
pines for the days when correspondents had to file their
reports on film, when there was a built-in delay between
shooting and airing that allowed the reporter some time
to think and write. But Koppel has certainly turned off
his former pessimism about the possibilities of
technology.  He has seen the development of new media
along the advertising-supported model and he's seen his
own network's heavy investment in the Internet.

The result is that now Koppel, as he told Kurtz, can see
himself retiring from "Nightline" and going to work
making news deeper and richer on this new medium than he
ever was able to on TV. (If you haven't checked it out
lately, the "Nightline" Web site at ABCNews.com is
already chock full of video from previous nights'
episodes and other extras.)

I'd like to see Koppel do that -- and if he has to quit
tomorrow to make it happen, then clean out your desk,
Ted. This is an infinitely better way for Koppel to
spend his post-ABC career than the way he'd originally
planned, which was making documentaries.

You may recall that low period in the 1980's. Having
grown bored with the talking-heads format, and feeling
unsupported by ABC management, Koppel opened an
independent production shop. At one point he dropped
down to three days per week, a truly Carsonesque grind,
and it seemed he would give up "Nightline" altogether.
But then Koppel became re-energized, and with the
arrival of a new executive producer, Tom Bettag from the
"CBS Evening News," in 1991, Koppel started turning
those ideas for outside work into "Nightline"
broadcasts. His ongoing interest in the American justice
system, and his reports from Russia this week, are
recent examples.

And for those who may think it odd that "Nightline"
would mark its 20th anniversary 10,000 miles from home,
bear in mind that on the night of the show's 15th
anniversary five years ago, Koppel did a broadcast on
the political and economic crisis in Mexico. No
sentimentalist, he.

Over the years, Koppel's finest hours have come from
these thematic shows. They have always been timely
without seemingly breathlessly urgent -- a pervasive
form of hype Koppel appears immune to. The thematic
approach is a perfect one for the Internet, and I hope
he's serious about one day pursuing it.

For example: Koppel has never hid his disdain for the
shortcomings of the American criminal justice system.
That's probably why he's devoted so much airtime to the
subject. On the Web, he could offer a deeper, richer
accounting of the way American justice works -- and
doesn't -- by tying together his various reports over
the years, as well as patching together a national
narrative of some of the hot-button issues like the
death penalty and juvenile sentencing. A great deal of
reporting on these topics is done locally, not
nationally; Koppel's site could be the glue that gives
viewers a complete picture and detects trends across the
states.

The Internet has also muted Koppel's harsh words about
live news coverage. In 1994 he wrote in a New York Times
op-ed piece: "Putting someone on the air while an event
is unfolding is clearly a technological tour de force,
but it is an impediment, not an aid to good journalism."
He's been proven right hundreds of times since then, but
now the point seems less interesting. If Americans are
going to be able to turn to the Internet, or their
interactive TVs, and demand news when they want it, then
"live" and "as it happens" will take on new meanings for
most of us. Interactive sites will be constantly
updated, and we'll feel like we're getting the latest,
but this time without all the static, confusion and
hypothesizing that goes on during typical TV livecasts.

There's still a lot of uncertainty in the future of
electronic news. But I must say it's heartening to know
that one of the best of the old school isn't planning on
leaving it anytime soon. In the meantime, I'll keep
setting my ReplayTV to "Nightline." (Oh yeah, that's
another 20-year tradition: Since 1980 the ABC affiliate
in Kansas City has delayed "Nightline" by an hour and a
half so it can show syndicated programs. We're the
largest market that's still delaying "Nightline"; read
what Ted Koppel had to say about it in this 1998
article.)


***

Today's edition of "This Week at the TV Barn" will be
sent in two parts, with lineups and "Test Patterns" in a
separate mailing sent later today.

***

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
March 20-26, 2000
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There's something about Gary

Reader Paul Tate writes, "I've never laughed so hard as
I did Friday night (March 10) when the 'Late Show'
treated us to that strange sponsorship by NBC Studios
executive Gary Considine. I don't know whether it was
the odd background music, or Considine's plasticine mug,
or the fact that it stayed on the screen way beyond
comfortable, but whatever the case it had me rolling.
Now, Aaron, you have to tell me -- who is Gary
Considine, and how does he relate to Dave and the Show?"

You're not the only one asking that question. Here is
the word from no less an authority than Michael McIntee,
author of the "Late Show's" daily behind-the-scenes
recap, The Wahoo Gazette:

"Who is Gary Considine? I have no idea. Every staff
member I talked to has no idea either. I don't know why
Gary Considine was used but I have a feeling there are 6
people laughing their asses off somewhere. We do that a
lot here at The Late Show. Often times we'll do a joke
aimed at a very select few, so be patient, your turn is
coming."

Oh, poo. Surely Worldwide Pants staff can do better than
that. Haven't they read Bill Carter's book "The Late
Shift," or at least caught the HBO adaptation of it on
cable? Carter addresses a similar matter on page 58. The
year is 1991, and two NBC executives have just cajoled
David Letterman, against his wishes, into allowing
reruns of "Late Night" to air on the A&E network. Now
it's time for Mr. Passive Aggressive to seek revenge on
his turf:

Carter writes: It was then that John Agoglia's picture
(he was, at the time, executive VP of NBC) started
turning up on "Late Night" as "GE Employee of the Week."
Later Warren Littlefield (then No. 2 in NBC
Entertainment behind Don Ohlmeyer) was similarly honored
-- and mocked. Even some of Dave's defenders inside NBC
believed Letterman was pushing the hostility too far.
"The guy is so funny and great and always had the
rhetoric, but that was really, really mean," one NBC
executive with ties to Letterman said. "That wasn't
funny to me. That was offensive. These are
behind-the-scenes people. It was sort of unfair for Dave
to trot them out like that."

See, this is the difference between television and
radio. In radio, it's a longstanding tradition to mock
your station execs on the air. Radio personalities
Howard Stern in New York and Steve Dahl in Chicago
considered everyone fair game, including their bosses,
starting in the early 1980s. In fact, some of their best
programs involved confrontations with their employers,
Dahl and Stern using their power as listener magnets to
bully and threaten the class of people that had bullied
and threatened them during the years they were climbing
the ladder.

But in television, where everybody is supposed to make
nice with everybody, a little on-screen mockery becomes
"mean" and "offensive." The same complaints arose a few
years later when Letterman's writers brought on their
favorite bald-headed maniac, Leonard Tepper, and had him
play Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales. My thought,
then as now -- what's the big deal? Shales has been
treated a lot worse in print, and wouldn't you think
those NBC compensation packages would be cushy enough to
absorb a few blows from a late-night comedian?

Anyway, to solve the mystery of Gary Considine: As
longtime TV Barn readers know, Considine is the head of
NBC Studios, the network's in-house production unit,
which produces (among other things) NBC late night. He
is also married to comedian Rita Sever, who (as numerous
readers have noted) is especially active in NBC late
night, having served many times as host of "Friday
Night" and "Later." I have no idea why Considine's being
featured now. One reader suggested it had something to
do with a viewer poll recently conducted by "Friday
Night" that either amused or annoyed the Letterman
writers.

At any rate, something tells me that when Letterman
returns from a week's hiatus tonight, I should be
looking for NBC late-night executive Rick Ludwin's mug
to show up next.

***

Two of the stories I worked on last week are still
awaiting publication, while the column I wrote for
Electronic Media -- which I then pass along to you --
was also delayed one week.

In other words, you will want to come by the TV Barn Web
site later this week when those two stories appear. I
can't tell you the subject of one of them -- but trust
me, it'll be a goodie -- while the other takes a look at
"personal video recorders," or as I'm now calling them,
a TV critic's best friend.

Meanwtime, here are direct URLs for a couple of recent
stories I think you'll like, especially if you're into
game shows.

First, if you didn't read about Will Durst's heart-
breaking tragedy, when he helped an old friend lose
$218,000 on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," then you've
got to read every excruciatingly funny detail at
http://www.tvbarn.com/030700.html

And if you loved the account by reader John Christensen
of his turn on "Millionaire" a few months ago, you'll
like the latest epistle -- reader Stuart Shostak's
account of his whirlwind day as a two-time contestant
(on the same day!) on Fox's "Greed" at
http://www.tvbarn.com/030900.html

***

Pilots of the airwaves: Pilot season is in full swing as
we are just about two months away from the annual
upfront presentations. (Yes, TV Barn will be attending
again this year, and yes, I plan on filing a log sheet
like last year's.)

In fact, CBS couldn't wait till May; it held a
pre-upfront presentation Thursday at the Ed Sullivan
Theatre. Among other things, prexy Leslie Moonves
announced that next month's live presentation of "Fail
Safe" will be followed by next year's live staging of
"On Golden Pond," starring Julie Andrews; that Craig T.
Nelson will make a new drama for CBS; and David
Letterman's Worldwide Pants will create a vehicle for
comic Jim Gaffigan -- about an Indiana weatherman who
gets his big break in New York. Hmmmmmmm. Wonder how
they're planning to promote that.

On the NBC front, all good Letterman fans should by now
realize that "Late Show" exec producer Rob Burnett is in
Vancouver, shooting a new version of the
"Stuckeyville"/"Ed" project he shot last year for CBS.
Burnett told TV Barn that the cast and crew are the same
as the last time we reported on it, and Letterman writer
Jon Beckerman is still a co-everything on the project.
But now with NBC offering to air it, the show will
naturally be a "must-see," provided, of course, that the
pilot lives to see the light of day.

Elsewhere at NBC, the Hollywood Reporter reports that
"Married ... With Children" star Katey Sagal has been
cast in NBC's single-camera comedy pilot "Tucker," about
a teenage boy and his mom who move in with their aunt
(Sagal) and cousin. (By the way, I always take
"single-camera" to be virtually the same as "shot on
film," or rather, because several three-camera sitcoms
are also shot on film, the more precise description
might be "filmic.") And Paula Marshall and producer Rob
Thomas, both freshly liberated from ABC, will create an
hourlong romantic drama for the Peacock, also
co-starring Dan Cortese, which tells you all you need to
know about the future of "Veronica's Closet."

The WB is planning to sink a ton of money into a
futuristic action-adventure show entitled "Day One,"
reports Variety.

And there's more to come. I suggest you check out the TV
Barn Web site for daily updates (but then, you knew I
would).


***


Letterman won again ... if only for one night. CBS
crowed in its latest ratings release that Dave's chat
with Kathie Lee Gifford March 6 topped Leno's panel with
George W. Bush. Quoth the PR: "For the week ending March
10, the LATE SHOW posted a 3.2/10 in households with
4.10m average viewers.  The LATE SHOW was up +28% in
households and +37% in viewers compared to the same week
last year (which were rebroadcasts). ... Compared to
last year, "The Tonight Show" was down -15% each in
households (4.1/12 vs. 4.8/14), adults 18-49 (2.2/11 vs.
2.6/13) and adults 25-54 (2.3/11 vs. 2.7/13) and -14% in
viewers (5.23m vs. 6.05m)."


***


Happy 20th anniversary to ABC's "Nightline" on Friday.


***


Reader mail: All the way from Limerick, Ireland, Gary
Clifford writes, "Is David Letterman mellowing out in
his old age? Does this explain his recent mentioning of
Jay Leno and Ted Koppel (and even ratings) on his show?
Do you agree with me that this is refreshing and
welcome?" Yes and yes to the last two, but I'm undecided
on whether this means Dave is "mellowing" or if, as Paul
Shaffer has noted, he just doesn't give a damn anymore
...

Ben Bragg wondered, as did I, about the DWEEBS FOR BUSH
T-shirt George W. Bush held up during his now-infamous
appearance on "Late Show." Ben writes, "When did Dave
ever refer to Bush as a dweeb? I only recall Letterman
referring to the governor as a 'colossal boob.' My guess
is that Bush's staff didn't want the governor to hold up
a t-shirt that says 'Boobs for Bush.' It would probably
remind viewers of the current president."

John Carney writes, "Your reference to 'The Nashville
Network' in the WWF story sounds a little quaint. Since
the CBS purchase, the network has steadfastly avoided
using anything but the initials TNN, not unlike the
decision a few years back to turn 'Kentucky Fried
Chicken' into the more heart-healthy 'KFC.' Country
music, with a few high-profile exceptions, seems to be
in one of its periodic declines; on top of that, the
Nashville entertainment community has seen what used to
be hours and hours each day of original programming
produced in Nashville dwindle further and further away,
replaced by reruns of 'Matt Houston' and original
episodes of that trucker show with G. Gordon Liddy in
it. It's a similar demographic to the one attracted by
the old country music programming, I suppose" ...

Lex Kuhne has ideas about the next team that should
occupy the "Monday Night Football" booth: "The thing
about Cosell and Meredith was that Cosell's background
was from serious journalism. Both he and Meredith had
opinions on the same topic, but from different
perspectives. That tension is what made those years of
'MNF' great. So, instead of just mining what Cosell
called 'the jockocracy' for both slots, Ohlmeyer should
think out of the box for one of them and find someone
with an edge (just off the top of my head, like an Armen
Kateyan) with, say, Steve Young. In one fell swoop, the
show gets edgier, smarter, and younger."

Dave Wasser adds, "How about a female sportscaster in
the booth? It would be good for football and good for
our society. Of course, a woman in that position would
have to be very talented. I hope they pick a woman, but
more important, I hope they pick the right woman."

Laurence Bier writes, "On the old 'Later' (when it was
good, with Bob Costas), a few weeks before taking over
'The Tonight Show,' Leno was Costas' guest for two
nights. Bill Clinton had just made his now-famous
appearance on Arsenio Hall's show, so Costas asked Leno
whether he would ever have a presidential candidate on
'Tonight.' Leno responded (this is a rough memory) that
he wouldn't have anyone come on as a candidate - that if
Clinton wanted to come on after he was out of office and
jam with the band, fine, but he couldn't come on saying
what he would do if he were elected. Of course, in the
past few months we've seen Bill Bradley and John McCain
(and on Monday Bush) do just that - after telling some
humorous anecdotes they talk about their plans and why
they should be elected. Has Leno ever said why he
shifted on this issue?" In fairness to Jay, what hasn't
he changed about "The Tonight Show" since that first
season?

David Burke of the Quad City Times in Davenport, Iowa,
was reading through his new edition of the Brooks-Marsh
guide to prime time TV. He writes, "I realized that when
ABC put on the Tuesday version of 'Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire' in January it marked the end of an era. It
was the first time since 1975 (when 'Happy Days' was
matched with 'Welcome Back Kotter') that ABC hasn't
programmed back-to-back sitcoms in the first hour of
prime on Tuesdays. I almost thought it had been the
first time ABC had broken up
back-to-back-to-back-to-back sitcoms on Tuesday in 25
years ... but then I noticed 'Rich Man, Poor Man Book
II,' the soap 'Paper Dolls' and 'Moonlighting,' the
latter of which was almost a sitcom anyway."

And Michael Jones has felt Will Durst's pain. He writes
with a few words of encouragement for ole Will, who cost
his pal Rudy Reber $218,000 with a bad answer on "Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire" two weeks ago: "I'm sure this
will be short-lived, if that's any consolation to Durst.
It's the American nature to forgive and forget. I mean
I'm a baseball fan, and to this day I can barely
remember the name of that Red Sox first baseman, playing
with black high-top shoes in Game 6 of the World Series,
Oct. 26, 1986, who let a potential Series-ending 10th
inning grounder hit by Mookie Wilson of the Mets go
under his legs into the right field area, scoring Ray
Knight with the game winning run and ultimately costing
the Sox their first championship since 1918. And on a
personal level, I barely remember the air ball I heaved
from the free throw line with 9 seconds left on the
clock that cost our junior high basketball team the 1970
city championship with my parents and friends watching
incredulously from the stands. I didn't dream about it
at all this week."


***


Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
(but all the good jokes are by my ghost writer Bruce Vilanch)
<tomalhe@...>

	 March 20: in 1992, a jury decides that the "Price is
	 Right" of $1.3 million for "Barker's Beauty" Janice
	 Pennington, who sued after accidentally being used as a
	 human "Plinko" by one of the show's camera operators on
	 June 20, 1988. (NOTE: I have no idea what this means --
	 AB)

	 March 21: in 1991, "L.A. Law's" Rosalind Shays gets
	 dumped twice. First by senior partner Leland McKenzie
	 and moments later by writer David E. Kelley, who has her
	 character get off the elevator on the wrong floor -- the
	 hard way -- in the episode "Good to the Last Drop."

	 March 22: in 1994, Roseanne and Tom Arnold continue on
	 their world tour, destroying everyone else's movies and
	 television shows, landing today in the city of Port
	 Charles for a three-day stint on "General Hospital" as
	 Jennifer Smith and Billy "Baggs" Boggs.

	 March 23: in 1982, because America can't get enough of
	 Erin Moran and Scott Baio (and they can't get enough of
	 one another), ABC moves "Joanie Loves Chachi" into its
	 own timeslot and 90 miles south-by-southeast to Chicago,
	 where the couple's band manages to play a few numbers
	 each episode in (his new stepfather) Al's restaurant.
	 And while audiences love the show Tuesday nights right
	 after "Happy Days," they aren't able to find the show
	 when it moves a month later to Thursday nights, and its
	 ratings plummet. In May 1983, America's sweethearts move
	 back behind Fonzie, but by September ABC cancels their
	 gig.

	 March 24: in 1985, as if a detective show starring a
	 glaring Italian stereotype wouldn't be nearly offensive
	 enough, NBC decides to play up the fact that their star
	 is short, too. Joe Pesci is "Half Nelson." Also along
	 for the show's brief 2-month run: Dick Butkus and Bubba
	 Smith as dumb guys, Victoria Jackson as a bimbo, and
	 Dean Martin as Dean Martin.

	 March 25: in 1986, Balki Bartokomous and his stuffed
	 lamb Dimitri travel from the Mediterranean island of
	 Mypos to the doorstep of his "Cousin" Larry Appleton, to
	 try sheepherding in Chicago. Can ABC think of an odder
	 couple than these "Perfect Strangers"? "Don't be
	 ridiculous!"

	 March 26: in 1973, Rob Reiner and his teammate are the
	 first people ever to reach the summit on the "The
	 $10,000 Pyramid," getting there ahead of June Lockhart.
	 His winning clue? Donuts, aka "Things With A Hole."
	 After the taping of this premiere show in the Ed
	 Sullivan Theater, Reiner complains to host Dick Clark
	 that the game is too easy, and he doubts the pyramid
	 scheme will last very long.

	 [Thanks to David "Doesn't Cry" Tanny, "American" Brooks,
	 "Cider House" Marsh, "The Green" McNeil, the Academy,
	 and all the little people whose names I never bothered
	 to learn. Listen to Tom Heald each Thursday from 5-8 PM
	 ET at <http://www.kteq.org> or buy the wares seen in
	 this column at <http://www.come.to/testpatterns>.]


***


THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 3/20 Gabriel Byrne, Martha Stewart, Moby
Tu 3/21 Matthew Broderick, Patti Smith
We 3/22 Barbara Walters
Th 3/23 Kevin Spacey, Eurythmics (R 9/30/99)
Fr 3/24 Denzel Washington, Yankees manager Joe Torre (R 10/28/99)

Mo 3/27 Rosie Perez
Tu 3/28 Minnie Driver, Trisha Yearwood
We 3/29 Jimmy Smits, kid scientists, Bruce Cockburn
Th 3/30 John Cusack, Robert Klein
Fr 3/31 David Arquette, Al Green


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 3/20 Jet Li, Molly Shannon, Tracy Lawrence
Tu 3/21 Michael Caine, Leelee Sobieski, Darren Carter
We 3/22 Jennifer Love Hewitt, Michael Chiklis, Ice Cube
Th 3/23 David Duchovny, Benny "The Human Bomb" Koske, Mandy Moore
Fr 3/24 The Rock, Roger Ebert, Fiona Apple

Mo 3/27 Kevin Spacey, Lacey Chabert, Blink 182 (R 10/15/99)
Tu 3/28 Denzel Washington, breast painter Angel Tolentino, Foo Fighters (R
1/13/00)
We 3/29 Sandra Bullock, Dick Vermeil, Montell Jordan, LL Cool J (R 2/4/00)
Th 3/30 Meg Ryan, sumo wrestler Emmanuel Yarbrough, Little Richard (R 2/16/00)
Fr 3/31 Steve Martin, Katie Holmes, Julian Lennon (R 8/11/99)


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 3/20 David James Elliott, Jennifer Tilly, Dan Naturman
Tu 3/21 Jerry O'Connell, Wolfgang Puck, Vertical Horizon
We 3/22 Eric Idle, Marla Sokoloff
Th 3/23 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
Fr 3/24 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

Mo 3/27 George Hamilton, Vinnie Favorito
Tu 3/28 TBA
We 3/29 Roger Ebert
Th 3/30 Chynna, Lit
Fr 3/31 The Rock, Chris Titus


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 3/20 Hilary Swank, Brian Williams, Everything but the Girl (R 11/23/99)
Tu 3/21 Amy Sedaris, Cynthia Garrett
We 3/22 TBA
Th 3/23 TBA
Fr 3/24 Jennifer Love Hewitt, Keely Smith


LATER, NBC
Mo 3/20 Laila Ali
Tu 3/21 Kimberly Peirce
We 3/22 Vincent Pastore
Th 3/23 Delroy Lindo


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 3/20 Jessye Norman, Toni Morrison, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Judith Weir


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 3/20 Bishop Spong, Lisa Ann Walter, Robert Conrad, Gavine McInnis
Tu 3/21 Chely Wright, Danny Bonaduce, Kirby Wilbur
We 3/22 Mo'Nique, Judd Nelson, Bob Enyart, Sisqo
Th 3/23 Dana Carvey, Cokie Roberts, Steve Roberts, Suzanne Somers
Fr 3/24 Dana Carvey, Jerry O'Connell, Bijou Phillips, Christine O'Donnell

Mo 3/27 Joan Rivers, Roger Ebert, Warren Zevon
Tu 3/28 Betsy Hart
We 3/29 Nancy Wolf
Th 3/30 Jane Chastain, Carl Hiaasen


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 3/20 Chris Meloni
Tu 3/21 Marla Sokoloff
We 3/22 Eric Idle
Th 3/23 Leelee Sobieski


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 3/20 Tyson Beckford and Maxwell (2/28/97)
Tu 3/21 Tracey Morgan and Erykah Badu (3/7/97)
We 3/22 Arsenio Hall, Puff Daddy (9/12/97)
Th 3/23 Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean (of The Fugees) (9/19/97)
Fr 3/24 Whoopi Goldberg, K-Ci & JoJo (formally of Jodeci) (9/26/97)

DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Tu 3/21 12:10 AM Tim Robbins
3/24 John McEnroe on "Patriotism."
3/31 Christopher Hitchens on "The Democratic Primaries"
4/7 Eric Idle on "The Penis"
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 3/20 Lisa Kudrow on Marriage (8/04/95)
Tu 3/21 Bonnie Raitt on Environment (8/11/95)
We 3/22 Russell Simmons on Power (8/18/95)
Th 3/23 Steven Wright on Funding for the Arts (8/25/95)
Fr 3/24 Michael Douglas on Liberals (9/01/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 3/20 "People's Choice"Elvis Costello, Rita Moreno
Tu 3/21 "Hank's Night in the Sun"George Wendt, Shadoe Stevens
We 3/22 "Office Romance" Bob Saget
Th 3/23 "The Mr. Sharon Stone Show" Sharon Stone, Julianne Phillips
Fr 3/24 "Headwriter (a.k.a. Headwriter Phil)" Dave Thomas
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 3/22 "The List" Alec Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Ed Begley Jr. (6/9/93) &
"The Stalker" Corbin Bernsen, Phil Hartman (6/16/93)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 3/25 The Amazing Mr. Heston, DJ Kid Sasso, Melina & Lida Beauty Pageant,
Sasso Gets His Job Back, Steven Seagal meets the Dalai Lama, Mickey's Fear of
Flying, PWKWP II, Lenny, MAD Classic: Riggs & Murtaugh  (r-10/23/99)
Sa 4/1 Mitch Pileggi (r-11/23/99) Fight Like A Girl Club, Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?, Reality Check, Reading Caboose, UBS-Mitch Pileggi, Wedding
Night, Inside the Actor's Studio-Andie MacDowell, Babewatch


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
     HBO
Mo 3/20 3:30 AM "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper Open, Phone Sex,
Audition, Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking Close
     HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 3/20 "The Biggest Failure in Broadway History" - Beating Hippe, No Adults
Allowed, New KKK, Ad awards/mob chase, Drunk Cops, Iguana, Jeepers Creepers,
Hippie Pie
Tu 3/21 "A Talking Junkie?!" - David acts English, Talking JInkie, New Son,
Red Balloon, Porno Shope, Ewww Girl videom Video Soul, RapThe Musical, Homage
Awards, Creeping Peeping Videos
We 3/22 "Operation Hell On Earth" Young Superstar, Old Folks HOme, Hate
Group, News Family Anchors, Recruiters, Blam-A-Thon/Fartin Gary, Second Wind,
Old Superstar
Th 3/23 9:30 PM The Best of Mr. Show, Midnight "Heaven's Chimney" - Heaven's
Chimney, Deprogramming, Heaven Tour, Crazy Religious Beliefs, Watch Us Have
Sex, Blatant Sexual Symbloism. The Devastator, Directions, Educational Film
Festival Medieval Film, Hail Satan, Cartoon
Fr 3/24 "Peanut Butter, Eggs & Dice" - Very Special Episode, David Reveals
He's Bald, Ratings Man, Song/Map, Santa's Workshop, Tatiana, Cock Ring
Warehouse, Marriage Announcement, Fuzz - The Musical, Terry Gets Award/Fly By
Awards, The Dewey Awards, Bob Lamonta, Handing Out Awards


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 3/20 musical guest Bliss
Tu 3/21 "No Alibi" actress Melissa DiMarco and musical guest Damhnait Doyle
We 3/22 adventurist Alan Hobson, Lois Ferguson - author of "Eating for Energy
and Ecstacy" and musical guest Stomp
Th 3/23 "CBC Newsworld's" Ben Chin and musical guest Jeff Healey
Fr 3/24 "Whose Line Is It Anyway?'s" Wayne Brady and musical guest "33"


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Tu 3/21 2:35am


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 3/25 Jennifer Aniston / Sting + TV millionaire John Carpenter(r-11/20/99)
Donald Trump's Vice President, Fight Club monologue, Pretty Living - tantric
sex, Nick Burns : your company's computer guy, Porter vs. Plunkett for island
leader, Privolin, Mr. Peepers on Sex and the City, Urchin rental for
Christmas,
Pokemon madness, Thanksgiving dinner
Sa 4/1 (Rerun) To Be Announced
Sa 4/8 Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 3/20 1 PM & Midnight Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox (1991-'92) Stand-Up &
Win, Operaman, EBS Test, Elijah the Prophet, Lank Thompson, I'm Chillin';  6
PM John Travolta / Seal (1994-'95) Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin
Tarantino's "Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live
Tu 3/21 1 PM Rob Lowe / Spice Girls + Joe Pesci & Robert DeNiro (1996-'97)
Nightline, Joe Pesci Show, Food, Sex, or Cars?!, Goth Talk, X-Presidents,
Mickey The Dyke's new Ellen-inspired lesbian shows, Perspectives, La Politica
Non Correcto;  6 PM Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams (1991-'92) The Last
Tonight Show, Action Cats, Politically Incorrect P.I., Super Fans, Operaman,
The Sensitive Naked Man;  Midnight Tribute to Chris Farley
We 3/22 1 PM & Midnight Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes (1990-'91) Back From
The Future, America's Most Wanted, A. Whitney Brown, Daily Affirmation,
Sting's elevator fans;  6 PM SNL Remembers Phil Hartman
Th 3/23 1 PM & Midnight John Goodman / Jewel (1996-'97) Anne & Ellen on
Oprah, Caribbean Essence Bath Oil, Celebrity Jeopardy! w/Marlon Brando, Phil
Donahue, & Burt Reynolds, Talkin' with Suel, Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy, The
Delicious Dish - Chili, Dominican Lou on Deep Blue, The Singing Mohan-Culps
at the prom, Collette Reardon, Bill Brasky - little league game;  6 PM Danny
Devito / Bon Jovi (1992-'93) Amy Fisher, Gap Girls, Mafia Wife
Fr 3/24 1 PM Chevy Chase / Live (1996-'97) Nightline, The Singing Mohan
Culps, Smokey & the Bandit re-release, Goat Boy, Chopper 4
Sa 3/25 4 PM Jeff Daniels / Lusicous Jackson (1994-'95) Newt Gingrich's
Contract with America, Connie Chung, Ron Wood, Marquerite Simpson's "You
Gotta Be," Film Beat, Gay Stripper Theater;  6 PM Alec Baldwin / Beastie Boys
+ Christian Slater (1994-'95) Joycelyn Elders, L.A. Breast & Penis, Rookie
Cop, Young & The Youthful;  Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston + Evander
Holyfield (1990-'91) The McLaughlin Group, host's inner thoughts, The Dancer;
  8 PM Best of Adam Sandler


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 3/20 Fantasy (1/25/97)
Tu 3/21 Mothers (2/2/97) + 6 AM Las Vegas (2/08/97)
We 3/22 Las Vegas (2/08/97)
Th 3/23 Secrets (2/17/97) + Noon Health (3/20/96)
Fr 3/24 Childhood (2/24/97) + 9:35 PM Movies (3/26/97) + 6:30 AM The Best of
"Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96)
Sa 3/25 1976 (3/05/97) + 11:30 AM 1976 (3/05/97)
Su 3/26 Mothers (2/2/97) & 7 PM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 3/20 10:30PM & Sat. 3/25 1:30AM A quiet small town deals with earthquake
parties, dolphin aliens and Armageddon.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

(Note: ONElist ignored my request not to word-wrap.  So we're
taking the e-mail route this time.  If this doesn't work, pray
for blue skies because I'll be moving to smoke signals -- AB)


THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
March 13-19, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Reader Paul Tate writes, "I've never laughed so hard as
I did Friday night when the 'Late Show' treated us to
that strange sponsorship by NBC Studios executive Gary
Considine.  I don't know whether it was the odd
background music, or Considine's plasticine mug, or the
fact that it stayed on the screen way beyond
comfortable, but whatever the case it had me rolling.
Now, Aaron, you have to tell me -- who is Gary
Considine, and how does he relate to Dave and the Show?"

You're not the only one asking that question. Here is
the word from no less an authority than Michael McIntee,
author of the "Late Show's" daily behind-the-scenes
recap, The Wahoo Gazette:

"Who is Gary Considine? I have no idea. Every staff
member I talked to has no idea either. I don't know why
Gary Considine was used but I have a feeling there are 6
people laughing their asses off somewhere. We do that a
lot here at The Late Show. Often times we'll do a joke
aimed at a very select few, so be patient, your turn is
coming."

Oh, poo. Surely Worldwide Pants staff can do better than
that. Haven't they read Bill Carter's book "The Late
Shift," or at least caught the HBO adaptation of it on
cable? Carter addresses a similar matter on page 58. The
year is 1991, and two NBC executives have just cajoled
David Letterman, against his wishes, into allowing
reruns of "Late Night" to air on the A&E network. Now
it's time for Mr. Passive Aggressive to seek revenge on
his turf:

Carter writes:

	 It was then that John Agoglia's picture (he was, at the
	 time, executive VP of NBC) started turning up on "Late
	 Night" as "GE Employee of the Week." Later Warren
	 Littlefield (then No. 2 in NBC Entertainment behind Don
	 Ohlmeyer) was similarly honored -- and mocked. Even some
	 of Dave's defenders inside NBC believed Letterman was
	 pushing the hostility too far. "The guy is so funny and
	 great and always had the rhetoric, but that was really,
	 really mean," one NBC executive with ties to Letterman
	 said. "That wasn't funny to me. That was offensive.
	 These are behind-the-scenes people. It was sort of
	 unfair for Dave to trot them out like that."

See, this is the difference between television and
radio. In radio, it's a longstanding tradition to mock
your station execs on the air. Radio personalities
Howard Stern in New York and Steve Dahl in Chicago
considered everyone fair game, including their bosses,
starting in the early 1980s. In fact, some of their best
programs involved confrontations with their employers,
Dahl and Stern using their power as listener magnets to
bully and threaten the class of people that had bullied
and threatened them during the years they were climbing
the ladder.

But in television, where everybody is supposed to make
nice with everybody, a little on-screen mockery becomes
"mean" and "offensive." The same complaints arose a few
years later when Letterman's writers brought on their
favorite bald-headed maniac, Leonard Tepper, and had him
play Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales.  My thought,
then as now -- what's the big deal?  Shales has been
treated a lot worse in print, and wouldn't you think
those NBC compensation packages would be cushy enough to
absorb a few blows from a late-night comedian?

Anyway, to solve the mystery of Gary Considine: As
longtime TV Barn readers know, Considine is the head of
NBC Studios, the network's in-house production unit,
which produces (among other things) NBC late night. He
is also married to comedian Rita Sever, who (as numerous
readers have noted) is especially active in NBC late
night, having served many times as host of "Friday
Night" and "Later." I have no idea why Considine's being
featured now. But something tells me a photo of NBC
late-night executive Rick Ludwin is next.

("Late Show" is dark this week.)

***

Speaking of Dandy Don Ohlmeyer, the man who fired Norm
Macdonald from his "Weekend Update" duties on "Saturday
Night Live" -- and is now running "Monday Night
Football" at ABC -- may or may not have behind last
week's decision to drop Boomer Esiason from the "MNF"
crew. But it's hard to believe that the decision
happened independent of Ohlmeyer, whose hiring was also
announced last week. That, one presumes, leaves the door
open for ABC to hire a real "personality," somebody who
will bring a semblance of orneriness and
didja-hear-what-Howard-said back into the "MNF" booth.
And while there will never be another Howard, there are
only two national talents on the next rung down: Fox's
Matt Millen and the guy ABC let go last year, Dan
Dierdorf, who made a remarkable comeback as part of the
No. 2 team on CBS. I can't imagine Dierdorf would rule
out a reunion with Al Michaels -- provided, that is, he
hasn't formed the same opinion of Michaels that Cosell
and Esiason did ...

The most popular story on the prime-time TV
newsmagazines in February was the Fox broadcast "Who
Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" and its fallout.
Which is pretty incredible, says research firm NewsTV of
Lawrence, Kan., compiler of the monthly reports, because
that show didn't air until the month was half over ...
Speaking of which, kudos to the shameless Jay Thomas for
showing up in a hilarious "Marry" spoof on "Late Show
with David Letterman" Tuesday night. Thomas married off
comedians Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, who were guest
host Janeane Garofalo's guests.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 March 13: in 1979, having sold their business, America's
	 favorite wacky neighbors are muumuu-ving on up to the
	 East side to deeeeeluxe condo in Cheviot Hills. And now
	 "The Ropers" are the sex-crazed nuisances to their
	 frustrated realtor Jeffrey P. Brooks III (Jeffrey
	 Tambor). "The Ropers" debuts at midseason, just like the
	 show from which it is spun off, "Three's Company" (see
	 March 15).

	 March 14: in 1980, who's the tan private dog who saves
	 lots of lives and chews on logs? "Here's Boomer" on NBC.
	 He's one bad mongrel! Shut yo' mouth! Hey, I'm just
	 talking about Boomer! Holes, can he dig'em?

	 March 15: in 1977, Americans prove themselves
	 intelligent enough to grasp one of Britain's most
	 intelligent farces. While two pillars of the community
	 bid farewell to one of their flatmates, they are stymied
	 as to how they'll survive on just two incomes. The
	 morning after the grand bon voyage celebration, they
	 find their solution in the loo -- an aspiring master of
	 the culinary arts. While the young maidens are charmed
	 by this rogue, they do worry about the societal scandal
	 that might ensue if they allow him to share their home
	 (platonically, of course). But the trio do find hope in
	 the idea that if they pretend their chef is a fancy lad,
	 all their problems are solved. And so, Jack Tripper
	 becomes A Man About The House in ABC's jigglefest
	 "Three's Company."

	 March 16: in 1957, "The Howdy Doody Show" spins off one
	 of its most popular characters. It's "The Gumby Show,"
	 dammit! Courtesy of the "pixellation" process,  Gumby
	 and Pokey creator Art Clokey uses two otherwise useless
	 lumps of clay more efficiently than Pamela Anderson Lee.

	 March 17: In 1978, Dennis Dugan is chosen by noted alien
	 James Garner to save young damsels in distress from
	 themselves or their boyfriends, with the help of his
	 good looks and a magic polyester suit as "Richie
	 Brockelman, Private Eye," an actual spin-off from "The
	 Rockford Files."

	 March 18: in 1981, Ralph Hinkley, a white guy with an
	 afro, is chosen by The Aliens to save the planet Earth
	 from destroying itself, with the help of an FBI agent,
	 and a magic pair of red and black pajamas, and the
	 suit's lost instruction manual. DC Comics threatens to
	 sue the creators of "The Greatest American Hero" because
	 -- believe it or not -- they consider it too similar in
	 concept to "Superman."

	 March 19: in 1984, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James are
	 chosen by CBS executives (also noted aliens) to save the
	 lives of their children wish the help of flannel pajamas
	 and lots of lovin' as divorcees "Kate & Allie."

	 Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh & MacNeil. Hear Tom
	 Heald each Thursday from 5-8 PM (ET) at
	 <http://www.kteq.org>, and visit the Test Patterns
	 website at <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>.

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 3/13 Sophia Loren, the Mavericks (R 1/27/99)
Tu 3/14 Tom Hanks, the Brooklyn Philharmonic (R 12/9/98)
We 3/15 Julia Roberts, 93-year-old heart bypass patient Israel
Pearlman (R 2/23/00)
Th 3/16 Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, Amy Brenneman, ZZ Top (R 10/7/99)
Fr 3/17 Shaquille O'Neal, Helen Mirren (R 8/13/99)

Mo 3/20 Gabriel Byrne, Martha Stewart, Moby
Tu 3/21 Matthew Broderick, Patti Smith
We 3/22 Barbara Walters
Th 3/23 Kevin Spacey, Eurythmics (R 9/30/99)
Fr 3/24 repeat TBA


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 3/13 Angie Harmon, Elton John
Tu 3/14 Julianne Moore, Richard Farnsworth, Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey
We 3/15 Don Cheadle, Camryn Manheim, Tom Waits
Th 3/16 William Shatner, Jamie Luner
Fr 3/17 Courtney Thorne-Smith, Enrique Iglesias

Mo 3/20 Jet Li
Tu 3/21 Matt LeBlanc, Leelee Sobieski
We 3/22 Jennifer Love Hewitt, Michael Chiklis, Ice Cube
Th 3/23 David Duchovny, Benny "The Human Bomb" Koske, Mandy Moore


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 3/13 Al Franken, Laila Ali (R 1/20/00)
Tu 3/14 Amy Brenneman, U.S. Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman, Doug
Benson (R 2/7/00)
We 3/15 Ben Affleck, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kylie Bax (R 2/24/00)
Th 3/16 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
Fr 3/17 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

Mo 3/20 David James Elliott, Jennifer Tilly, Dan Naturman
Tu 3/21 Jet Li, Wolfgang Puck, Vertical Horizon
We 3/22 Eric Idle
Th 3/23 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
Fr 3/24 Preempted for Coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 3/13 Hilary Swank, Brian Williams, Everything but the Girl (R 11/23/99)
Tu 3/14 William H. Macy, D.L. Hughley, Vernon Chatman
We 3/15 Martin Sheen, Afro Celt Sound System
Th 3/16 Jerry O'Connell, System of a Down
Fr 3/17 Jon Stewart

Mo 3/20 Shannen Doherty, Martin Scorsese, Counting Crows (R 11/4/99)
Tu 3/21 TBA
We 3/22 TBA
Th 3/23 Amy Sedaris
Fr 3/24 Jennifer Love Hewitt, Keely Smith


LATER, NBC
Mo 3/13 Ed McMahon; host Cynthia Garrett
Tu 3/14 Ben Harper; host Cynthia Garrett
We 3/15 Sandra Bernhard; host Cynthia Garrett
Th 3/16 Smokey Robinson; host Cynthia Garrett


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 3/13 Chicago Symphony music director Daniel Barenboim, John
Irving, film director Lasse Halstrom


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 3/13 Helen Gurley Brown, Kim Coles, Scott Weiland, Dr. Drew Pinsky
Tu 3/14 Beth Littleford, Tom Fitton, Deepak Chopra
We 3/15 Bob Einstein, Molly Culver, Kristen Short
Th 3/16 Kristen Johnston, Sean Hannity, Anthony Stewart Head
Fr 3/17 Hunter Tylo, Marilu Henner, Elinor Burkett, Bobby Slayton

Mo 3/20 TBA
Tu 3/21 TBA
We 3/22 TBA
Th 3/23 Dana Carvey, Cokie Roberts, Steve Roberts, Suzanne Somers


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 3/13 Eddie Izzard
Tu 3/14 Kim Delaney
We 3/15 Wolf Blitzer
Th 3/16 Drew Carey


CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER, HBOPlus
Su 3/19 3:40am

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBO
Su 3/19 12:20am Marion Barry / Jay-Z
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 3/13 Whoopi Goldberg, K-Ci & JoJo (formally of Jodeci) (9/26/97)
Tu 3/14  Vivica A. Fox, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott (10/3/97)
We 3/15 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky (8/21/98)
Th 3/16 Jenifer Lewis and D'Angelo (2/14/97)
Fr 3/17 Jerry Springer and and rapper DMX (9/11/98)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Fr 3/17 11:30 PM, Su 3/19 11:40 PM, Tim Robbins, Mo 3/20 1:20 AM, Tu 3/21
12:10 AM Tim Robbins
Fr 3/24 - "The Oscars" - Guest TBD
Fr 3/31 - Christopher Hitchens on "The Democratic Primaries"
Fr 4/7 - Eric Idle on "The Penis"
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 3/13 Joycelyn Elders on Teen Pregnancy (6/23/95)
Tu 3/14 Carrie Fisher on O.J. Trial (6/30/95)
We 3/15 Mike Myers on Informercials (7/14/95)
Th 3/16 Bill Maher on Freedom Of Speech (7/21/95)
Fr 3/17 Andrew Shue on Activism (7/28/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 3/13 "L.A. or N.Y.?" Howard Stern & Robin Quivers, Chris Farley (9/29/93)
Tu 3/14 "Montana" Robin Williams Bernadette Peters
We 3/15 "You're Having My Baby" Mimi Rogers, The Raspini Brothers
Th 3/16 "Would You Do Me a Favor?" French Stewart, Jason Alexander
Fr 3/17 "The Gift Episode" Danny DeVito, Jimmy Walker
      HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 3/15 "Hey Now" Earl Holliman, Bob Saget (11/7/92) & "The Breakdown Kathy"
Ireland, Los Lobos, Helen Hunt, Dana Delany, Teri Garr, Susan Anton (6/2/93)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 3/18 Marc Anthony / Movie themed episode including "Reality Check."


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 3/13 "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Porn Titles,
Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints, Borden Grote,
Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival
Tu 3/14 "Who Let You In" - Popemobile Chase, Nils' Guitar Shop, Imminent
Death Syndrome, Trial of the Millennium, Spank, Founding Fathers, Museum,
Watching Murder
We 3/15 "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop" - Charity Blind Gary, Subway,
Donut Shop, Megaphone madness, Greenlight gang, Coupon The Trial, Coupon The
Movie, Credits testimonial
Th 3/16 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some
Rat Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal
Fr 3/17 "Now, Who Wants Ice Cream" - Sovereign nation, Mountain Douggie Part
1, Petersen Family News, Thrilling Miracles, Ernie Flies, Mountain Douggie
Part 2, Shampoo, FF Woodycocks, Independant nation games, Old Man in House


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 3/13 Filmmaker Brian McKenna, Comic Fraser Young, and musical guest Kilt
Tu 3/14 Twitch City's Don McKellar, Comic Lenny Clarke, and musical guest
Thomas Wade
We 3/15 Comics Jeremy Hotz & Ed Byrne, and musical guest Soul Decision
Th 3/16 wrestler Bret "The Hitman" Hart, actress Jill Teed, and musical guest
Colour of Soul
Fr 3/17 Saturday Night Live's Jim Breuer, and comics Leah Pinsent & Dane Cook




THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Tu 3/21 2:35am


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 3/18 The Rock / AC/DC

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 3/13 1 PM & Midnight The Arnolds -- Roseanne & Tom / The Red Hot Chili
Peppers + Madonna + Barbra Streisand (1991-'92) Bush has learned "You're
pissed!", Coffee Talk, Jesus meets Dick Clark's receptionist, A Star Is Born,
Tall Tales of the Recession;  6 PM Helen Hunt / Snoop Doggy Dog + Cindy
Crawford (1993-'94) Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater, Total Bastard
Airlines, Coffee Talk, Bennett Brauer, Profiles in Cowardice, Mike Judge's
"Milton" in "Office Space" part 2, Rob Schneider's Girlfriend Theater
Tu 3/14 1 PM & Midnight David Allen Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg (1996-'97)
"Let's Get Butt-Naked In The White House," Death Row Bloopers & Practical
Jokes, 20/20, Both Sides with Jesse Jackson, The Rocky Roads, Maya Angelou
endorsements, Ex-porn stars, Don & Eddie's Home Shopping, "Wheaty the Wheaten
Terrier";  6 PM Kevin Spacey / Beck + John Cleese & Michael Palin (1996-'97)
Late Show with David Letterman, Star Wars 20th anniversary, Janet Reno's
Dance Party, Mr. Peepers, X-Presidents, Joe Pesci Show, Dead Parrot
We 3/15 1 PM & Midnight Jeremy Irons / Fishbone + Razor Ruddock (1990-'91)
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, McIntosh Jr. Makin' Copies!, Wayne's World
Oscar picks Sherlock Holmes, Chris Rock on New Jack City, "Football Days" --
a Jennifer Meyer film;  6 PM Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind (1997-'98) Alice
In Wonderland, Morning Latte, Goth Talk, Smigletoon : Titey, Judge Judy, I
Took A Gay Guy To Prom, Truck Drivin' Museum
Th 3/16 1 PM & Midnight Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner + Howard Stern (1996-'97)
Late Show with David Letterman, Roxbury Guys, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Fun
With Real Audio- Tom Snyder, The Gossip Show Long Island phone sex, Don &
Reggie, Bill Brasky;  6 PM Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell
(1997-'98) Oprah & Marv Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita
Delvecchio, Car Crash victims who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet
Reno,  Fun With Real Audio : Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun, Joe Pesci, Orange
Julius holdover, Planet Hollywood fans, Lou's Lovely Daughters, Elton John's
"More Songs I Wrote To Honor Dead People"
Fr 3/17 1 PM Nancy Kerrigan / Aretha Franklin (1993-'94) Sports Beat, The
Denise Show, host greets guests at Disneyland, Black R&B Singers Today;  6 PM
Tribute to Chris Farley;  Midnight Gabriel Byrne/Alanis Morrissette
Sa 3/18 4 PM Best of Eddie Murphy;  6 PM John Turturro / Tom Petty + Joey
Buttafuoco + David Hasselhoff (1994-95) Newt Gingrich's Not-so-Wonderful
liberal Lifem Host wins a Quiz Show, Christopher Walken's Celebrity Psychic
Friends w/Gary Busey, Taxi Driver : the musical. Stop That, Jamaican tourism,
Mudslinging dentists, The Movie Club
Su 3/19 8 AM Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson (1991-'92) Wayne's World, C-Span
Covers the Election


TENACIOUS D (episode 1), HBOComedy
Tu 3/14 2:50am
Sa 3/18 9:45pm


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO
Mo 3/13 12 PM Nostalgia (2/07/96)
We 3/15 11:30 AM Best of Second Season (5/28/97)
Su 3/19 12:30 PM Nostalgia (2/07/96)
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 3/13 Family (2/21/96) + 9:30 PM Sex (1/18/97)
Tu 3/14 Law (2/28/96) + 9:35 PM Road Rage (2/17/99) + 4:35 AM The Best of
"Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96)
We 3/15 Vanity (3/06/96)
Th 3/16 Death (3/13/96)
Fr 3/17 Health (3/20/96) + 2:30 PM America (2/24/99)
Sa 3/18 Fame (3/27/96) + 12:30 PM Lies (1/27/99) + 8:30 AM The Best of
"Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96)
Su 3/19 Sex (1/18/97) + 5:25 AM Romance (1/24/96)
      HBO Signature
Mo 3/13 2:30 PM Politics (4/23/97)
Tu 3/14 6:10 AM Music (4/30/97)
Tu 3/14 4:45 PM Music (4/30/97)
We 3/15 3:55 AM Politics (4/23/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 3/13 10:30PM & Sat. 3/18 1:30AM The Upright Citizens Brigade spreads chaos
and undermines authority for the good of the world.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Perhaps you were looking for *these* ...

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 3/6 Kathie Lee Gifford, Eddie Izzard
Tu 3/7 Janeane Garofalo (guest host), Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, Zak
Garafalosky, Old 97s
We 3/8 Tim Robbins, Melissa Etheridge
Th 3/9 Dana Carvey (guest host), Cindy Margolis
Fr 3/10 Bonnie Raitt

Mo 3/13 Sophia Loren, the Mavericks (R 1/27/99)
Tu 3/14 Tom Hanks, the Brooklyn Philharmonic (R 12/9/98)
We 3/15 Julia Roberts, 93-year-old heart bypass patient Israel
Pearlman (R 2/23/00)
Th 3/16 Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, Amy Brenneman, ZZ Top (R 10/7/99)
Fr 3/17 Shaquille O'Neal, Helen Mirren (R 8/13/99)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 3/6 Gov. George W. Bush, Gary Sinise, D'Angelo
Tu 3/7 Angelina Jolie, French Stewart, Asleep at the Wheel, Dwight Yoakam
We 3/8 Chloe Sevigny, Marc Anthony
Th 3/9 Rick Schroder, Mitch Fatel, Eric Benet
Fr 3/10 Hilary Swank, Jerry O'Connell

Mo 3/13 Angie Harmon, Elton John
Tu 3/14 Julianne Moore, Richard Farnsworth, Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey
We 3/15 Don Cheadle, Tom Waits
Th 3/16 William Shatner, Jamie Luner, Enrique Iglesias
Fr 3/17 Courtney Thorne-Smith


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 3/6 Diamond Dallas Page, Dom Irrera
Tu 3/7 Dan Patrick
We 3/8 Kevin Pollak, Arianna Huffington, Ian Anderson
Th 3/9 Joe Garner
Fr 3/10 Penn & Teller, Kimberly Davies

Mo 3/13 Al Franken, Lalia Ali (R 1/20/00)
Tu 3/14 Amy Brenneman, U.S. Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman, Doug
Benson (R 2/7/00)
We 3/15 Ben Affleck, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kylie Bax (R 2/24/00)


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 3/6 Jay Mohr, Angie Harmon, Janine DiTullio (R 11/24/99)
Tu 3/7 Garth Brooks, Saffron Burrows (R 12/2/99)
We 3/8 Tim Robbins, Laura Kightlinger, Timothy "Speed" Levitch (R 2/3/99)
Th 3/9 Jim Carrey, Tony Bennett (R 12/17/99)
Fr 3/10 Christopher Walken, Joe Montana, Ruth Gerson (R 1/04/00)

Mo 3/13 Hilary Swank, Brian Williams, Everything but the Girl (R 11/23/99)
Tu 3/14 William H. Macy, D.L. Hughley, Vernon Chatman
We 3/15 Martin Sheen, Afro Celt Sound System
Th 3/16 Jerry O'Connell, System of a Down
Fr 3/17 Jon Stewart


LATER, NBC
Mo 3/6 TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 3/6 Primary Preview with R.W. Apple, Paul Begala, Oliver North, Robert Novak
Tu 3/7 Primary Analysis


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 3/6 Rita Rudner, Catherine McCord, Monty Warner
Tu 3/7 Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Amy Kean, Leah Remini
We 3/8 Martha Plimpton, Cyndi Mosteller
Th 3/9 Ian Anderson
Fr 3/10 Penn Jillette, Rosemary Altea

Mo 3/13 Helen Gurley Brown, Kim Coles, Scott Weiland, Dr. Drew Pinsky
Tu 3/14 Deepak Chopra
We 3/15 Beth Littleford, Tom Fitton, Tavis Smiley
Th 3/16 Drew Carey
Fr 3/17 Hunter Tylo, Elinor Burkett


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 3/6 Neil Patrick Harris
Tu 3/7 Kevin Pollack
We 3/8 Robert Dole
Th 3/9 Garry Shandling

Mo 3/13 Kim Delaney
Tu 3/14 Eddie Izzard
We 3/15 Drew Carey

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
March 6-12, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Poor Will Durst. The comedian, Internet columnist and
host of the PBS series "Livelyhood" had to go begging
for publicity in the past. But when he returned home to
San Francisco after screwing up the $500,000 question
for his friend Rudy Reber on "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire" the other week, he found 86 inquiries from
the press on his voice mail.

What he didn't know -- and it's probably just as well --
is that he had also become public enemy No. 1 online at
the "Millionaire" chat board, as the evil man with the
wrong answer who cost his so-called pal 218,000 clams.

So, Will, who is Rudy Reber and how did you wind up as
his phone-a-friend on the night of Feb. 17?

"Rudy used to be a comedian back when we were all fellow
soldiers in the comedy wars in the early 1980s here in
San Francisco," said the keeper of www.willdurst.com
told TV Barn. "Rudy had been a good bud. Me and my wife
Debi had gone over to his house a couple of times for
dinner, and versa visa. Then Rudy and his wife Tina
split up, and we didn't see much of him. Next time I saw
him he was a used car salesman in Portland and was
trying to get back into comedy. But they didn't have a
lot of open mikes in Portland ...

"That was at least three, four years ago. And then (last
month) I get a call out of the blue. I was going to be
in Chicago appearing at Zanies. Debi called me and said,
'Rudy Reber just called. He's going be on "Who Wants to
Be a Millionaire" and do you want to be one of his
lifelines?' So I said sure, no problem, what's the big
deal?"

Lowering his voice, Durst added, "I didn't think he had
a chance in hell of making it through the process. I was
wrong. I was *very* wrong."  But on with the story:

"So I call Rudy, who's living in Virginia. He tells me
all I have to do is be by the phone for two 3-hour
periods on Thursday. I was in the middle of a big
writing project anyhow, so I stayed in the house.
Actually, I was in a 'comedy condo' -- the ubiquitous
comedy condo where all of the comedians at that club
stay."

(I'd never heard of a comedy condo, but apparently
Zanies, Improv and all the other clubs each have one.
It's cheaper than giving out-of-town comics a hotel
room.  Durst passed along this helpful hint for all the
aspiring comedians out there: "Beware the brown towels
at the comedy condo. And buy your own mayonnaise.")

"So I get the call from a little girl (at ABC), I can't
remember her name. They call in the morning at about 11
and they say, 'Are you going to be near a phone later
today?' I say yes. They say they needed me by the phone
from 3 to 6 p.m. Central time.

"Three-thirty rolls around and there's a call to say
'Your friend Rudy is on the hot seat.' I answered the
phone on the first ring and I just said 'Durst!',
because that's the way I answer my phone. She said to
me, 'No, you're supposed to answer it on the third ring
like we told you, because the next person on the phone
will be Regis.'

"See, I never thought he'd make it through the 10-person
speed order quiz," Durst confessed. "He wanted to list
Ben Stein, but he wasn't able to for some reason." (It
would've been a massive conflict of interest; Disney has
its hands in both shows, and many of the original
"Millionaire" writers were borrowed from "Win Ben
Stein's Money.")

"So the phone rings. I wait three times, but I figure
it's been 45 minutes -- no way has my good friend, smart
Mensa member Rudy, made it for 45 minutes. But I hadn't
accounted for show stoppages and so forth.

"Sure enough, it's Regis. I answer the phone, 'Durst!'
He says '*Durst?* We're looking for *Will* Durst!' Then
he says it's the $500,000 question."

The question was, "Who directed Michael Jackson's video
'Bad'?"

"Now I'm not a big music guy. I have 10 presets on my
car radio and not one of them is music. But this was a
music question I knew! I was so excited for him. I was
going to help him out! Oh man, was I confident. I was
*very* confident."

Durst told Reber the correct answer was John Landis.
Reber decided to risk his wad and answer the question.
He said Landis.

The answer was Martin Scorsese. (Landis directed
"Thriller.")

"They put me on hold. I was able to hear it, but I
couldn't say anything. I couldn't go, 'Rudy, I'm sorry.'
Plus, Regis took an inordinate amount of time. He
stopped for the longest time and then he said, 'No, the
answer is C.' And I just screamed. People in the comedy
condo heard me screaming. And I didn't have Rudy's
number.

"Meanwhile, I couldn't breathe for 48 hours. I didn't
tell people at the comedy club. They just thought I was
unusually morose.  The news media had no problem telling
the story in 120 words. But I couldn't."

"Then Rudy calls on Saturday. He says, 'Don't worry
about it, buddy! I had a great time! I'm getting out of
telemarketing! I couldn't ask for any better publicity!'

"Well, it turns out -- *I* could!"

By accepting Durst's wrong answer, Reber blew the chance
to keep his winnings of $250,000. He went home with
$32,000 instead. Durst has already figured out that he
can make it up to Reber by sending him $20 a month ...
for 908 years.

"We speak every couple of days now," says Durst, adding
with a laugh just slightly tinged with bitterness: "He's
my counselor."

Durst gave me Reber's phone number in the Newport News
area. I called. Sure enough, the first thing out of
Reber's mouth were compassionate words for his hangdog
friend Will.

"The poor guy," Reber said. "He's been getting abused
for a week. That poor bastard. I felt so crappy for
him." (The show aired one week after its taping, on Feb.
24.)

My first question to Reber is, why Durst? And why call
him for *that* question?

"I've known Will a long time," said Reber, who had
chosen chose two comics, a deejay and two relatives as
his phone-a-friends. "My brother's a Ph.D., but he
wouldn't know a Michael Jackson video from his left
foot. My brother-in-law is a lawyer. He knows law, he
knows art history. The deejay was a classic rock guy."

But Durst knew a lot of pop culture history, so that's
how he became the go-to. Only after the taping did Reber
realize -- of course! -- that the deejay probably knew
the correct answer to the "Bad" question. (And, as Reber
later confirmed, he did.)

Reber is a telemarketer these days, but he is well known
in West Coast comedy circles. Mavis Leno produced a
horoscope for him 15 years ago that predicted he would
one day become a writer. Reber even had the singular
honor of being dissed once on stage by none other than
Rick Rockwell, the man who infamously hooked up with
Darva Conger last month on Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire?"

"I had gone down to San Diego about ten years ago. I
went down on a day's notice to do a comedy competition
at the Improv. All of the L.A. guys were there.
Afterward I'm standing up there in the back while
they're tallying up the count on stage.  I wasn't No. 5,
4, 3 or 2, so I knew I had won, because I knew I was
definitely in the top five. Sure enough, I was No. 1 --
but Rockwell, who was the emcee, just said, 'Who the
hell is THIS?' Because he thought it was going to be one
of his L.A. pals. And I thought, 'F--- you.'"

Of Rockwell the comedian, Reber said, "People who've
seen his act know why he got out of comedy."

But after his "Millionaire" appearance, Reber will
likely use what winnings he has to get out of
telemarketing and try a fresh start, possibly in radio.
An old friend, "Dennis Miller Live" producer David
Feldman, called him up and said, "You've got to get into
radio," and Reber is seriously considering that.

As for Durst, he's thinking of getting into the witness
protection program.

"I haven't seen the show yet. I can't. It's too painful.
Someone has taped it for me. Maybe in five, six years
we'll look back on this and laugh ...

"Rosie O'Donnell made it even worse for me because she
was a phone-a-friend and she offered to pay the
difference if she was wrong. Thanks for raising the bar,
Rosie!"

Durst wrote a first-person account of his misadventure
for the new issue of TV Guide. He's promised Reber the
freelance money from the article. The two of them may
also surface this week on an "Extra" segment. We're not
sure if he gave TV Barn a print exclusive -- I'm an
undisguised fan of the "Livelyhood" series -- but we're
pretty sure Will won't be returning most of the 86 press
inquiries he received. He's peeved about the way he's
treated by the rest of the media.

"The AP called me a `famous comedian,'" he grumbled.
"They've never called me a famous comedian before. I
couldn't get a story written about me -- until this."

***

There was lots of reader reaction from the first week of
Letterman's return and on his guest hosts, but I don't have
the space to include it here.  So high thee to
tvbarn.com at your soonest.  Also, for those of you who
relished reader John Christensen's 6,200-word account of
his stint in the "Millionaire" hot seat, we've got an
equally epic retelling by another reader of his need for
"Greed."  That'll be up on Thursday.  And on Wednesday,
read about "Campaign 2000" as it was played out in
late-night TV.  All that and so much more on TV Barn's
Web site.

***

This just in: Governor George W. Bush appeared on the
"Tonight Show" Monday and -- with not a little help from
the host, Jay Leno -- redeemed that embarrassing
televised pratfall he took last week on "Late Show with
David Letterman."

In the interview (details of which were shared with TV
Barn Monday night), the Governor was played out by the
band to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" and was
serenaded the rest of the 10-minute segment by Leno. Jay
threw so many softballs during the interview, he may
need to ice his arm after the taping.

Leno opened with his toughest challenge, asking Dubya if
he found it hard to be his own man, standing in the
shadow of his presidential pop. Bush replied, "Well, I
realized when I became governor of Texas I would inherit
half my father's friends and all of his enemies." But in
a word -- no.

The next question from Jay compared Bush's youth with
Gore's. "Al Gore looks like he's been running for
president since the eighth grade," joked Leno, who then
asked: Had the governor ever stopped himself from
opening another beer during his college days because he
thought it might hurt his future political ambitions?

"No," came Bush's one-word reply -- which produced more
applause than anything that transpired between him and
Letterman five nights earlier.

The rest of the grilling included hard-hitting questions
about Bush's wife, his governorship of the Texas Rangers
baseball team, and whether "the McCain thing" has made
Bush a stronger candidate.

And just so I don't come off like a total grouch, there
is an amusing exchange about the governor's penchant for
penny-pinching in his youth. So tune in for that.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 March 6: in 1979, Karen Wolek's testimony dramatically
	 ends the Marco Dane murder trial on "One Life to Live."
	 Under cross examination from the District Attorney,
	 Wolek blurts out her secret: "How much more do you want,
	 Mr. Callison? Haven't I said what everyone wants to
	 hear? What you want everyone to hear? That I am a common
	 hooker like Katrina Karr? That Marco Dane was my pimp?
	 Is that what you want me to say?" Well, yeah, it is. And
	 that the real murderer is Talbot Huddleston (one of
	 Karen's clients). Years later, it's revealed that
	 Marco's identical brother Mario was the actual victim.
	 That's life in the soaps! Judith Light wins an Emmy for
	 her breakthrough breakdown performance as Wolek, a role
	 she took over from fellow future sitcom star Julia
	 Duffy.

	 March 7: in 1989, Jamie Lee Curtis has a new creep going
	 after her, but it's just Goth goof Richard Lewis. And at
	 least in the beginning of their series, their
	 relationship is "Anything but Love."

	 March 8: in 1996, "If you're a human being, take a break
	 from the race. Take a load off your feet, wipe the nose
	 off your face. Got a lot to do and we do it for you.
	 Everybody take your place," because it's a whole new
	 Muppet show on ABC -- "Muppets Tonight." Kermit is still
	 surrounded by madness backstage, while the Arsenio-like
	 Clifford the crawfish -- "your Homie made of Foamie" --
	 hosts the titular talk show. On the debut episode, both
	 Miss Piggy and Michelle Pfeiffer have been booked as the
	 show's Very Special Guest Star. This leads to Dueling
	 Maria Von Trapps, while three Elvi witness the signing
	 of the Declaration of Independence on "Great Moments in
	 Elvis History." Yes, Jim Henson is very much dead.

	 March 9: in 1969, CBS thinks the Brothers Smothers doth
	 protest too much and cancels "The Smothers Brothers
	 Comedy Hour" after Tommy and Dick refuse to delete Joan
	 Baez's song dedication to her husband, David, who's
	 headed to "the-ol'-Grey-Bar-Hotel" for objecting to the
	 draft.

	 March 10: in 1980, there'll be hell toupee as NBC's
	 "Today Show" welcomes new wacky weather watcher (and
	 former Ronald McDonald) Willard Scott, whose arrival
	 finally gives 99-year-old-women something to live for.

	 March 11: in 1998, "Ellen's" coming out of her timeslot
	 as ABC decides to try out a new show about "An Architect
	 And A Med Student Trying to Pay For Grad School By
	 Working At Beacon Street Pizza, And The Spokeswoman For
	 A Chemical Company Who Hangs Out With Them Even Though
	 They're Not Too Bright." Fortunately, the network
	 shortens the title to "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza
	 Place."

	 March 12: in 1987, the normally self-assured Alex P.
	 Keaton questions his own existence in "'A' My Name Is
	 Alex," a truly Very Special Episode of "Family Ties."
	 Having passed on a joy ride with friends "because it
	 wasn't convenient," Alex is now guilt-ridden when the
	 trip results in a fatal car crash for his childhood pal
	 Greg. After being confronted by his friend's ghost, he
	 finally seeks help from an unseen therapist and comes to
	 terms with "his selfishness." The performance will help
	 earn Michael J. Fox his third consecutive Emmy for
	 Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, and the
	 episode also wins Gary Unger and series creator Gary
	 David Goldberg a pair of Emmys for Outstanding Writing.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh & MacNeil. Tom
	 Heald thinks his own work is some pretty darn
	 Outstanding Writing. Get gaudy gifts based on his column
	 at <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns.>]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald

CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER, HBOPlus
Su 3/19 3:40am

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBO
Su 3/12 12:15am Ananda Lewis / Kelis
Su 3/19 12:20am Marion Barry / Jay-Z
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 3/6 Jerry Springer and and rapper DMX (9/11/98)
Tu 3/7 Tyson Beckford and Maxwell (2/28/97)
We 3/8 Tracey Morgan and Erykah Badu (3/7/97)
Th 3/9 Arsenio Hall, Puff Daddy (9/12/97)
Fr 3/10 Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean (of The Fugees) (9/19/97)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Fr 3/10 Kevin Smith on "God"
Fr 3/17 11:30 PM Tim Robbins
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 3/6 Dana Carvey on Parenting (5/12/95)
Tu 3/7 Chris Farley on Exercise (5/26/95)
We 3/8 Gary Hart on Where is America Headed (6/02/95)
Th 3/9 Louis Anderson on Homeless (6/09/95)
Fr 3/10 Jon Stewart on Liability of Intelligence (6/16/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 3/6 "Being There" (8/18/93)
Tu 3/7 "Performance Artist" Roseanne & Tom Arnold, Jay Leno, Tim Miller,
George Segal (8/25/93)
We 3/8 "Hank's Wedding" Ed McMahon, Adam Sandler, Alex Trebek (9/8/93)
Th 3/9 "Off Camera" Gene Siskel, Warren Zevon, John Ritter (9/15/93)
Fr 3/10 "The Grand Opening" Martin Mull, Burt Reynolds, Jerry Seinfeld, Pauly
Shore (9/22/93)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 3/11 98 Degrees; Billboard Music Awards interviews (R-1/8/00 ) Steven
Seagal, Nicky Malone, Teenage President, Reality Check II, Monica Lewinsky
Handbags,  Second Hand Lorraine, The 3 Tenors and 98 Degrees, Literally,
CLOPS V, Don Martin-Fat Freak (107)
Sa 3/18 Marc Anthony / Movie themed episode including "Reality Check."


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 3/6 "Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions" - Ratings Warning Cold Open, Ratings
Child Open, Debate, Music Offer, Inside The Actor, Earthshoes, Teardrop
Awards, Shrunken Mr. Show Close
Tu 3/7 "Patriotism, Pepper, and Professionalism" - Resort Cold Open,
Executive Open, Money Warning, Weeklong Romance, Marilyn Monster, Praying
Machines, Info Jimmy, Goodbye, Vendetta, Info Jimmy
We 3/8 The Best of Mr. Show
Th 3/9 "The Cry of a Hungry Baby" Entitilitus, HItler sings, guys in, A**hole
at party, Change for a dollar, Ronnie Dobbs, Incubation Pants
Fr 3/10 "What to Think" w/ Janeane Garafolo - Arts runding, Tracking collar,
Ole Swerdlow, Books for seniors, Good News, Jesus and Marshall,
Announcements, Commercials of the Future, The Joke The Musical
      HBO Plus
Su 3/5 10:30 PM "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club,
Toenapper News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The
Year 3000, Fart Lighting Close
Fr 3/10 11:30 PM "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club,
Toenapper News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The
Year 3000, Fart Lighting Close


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 3/6 President of iCrave TV Bill Craig, cooking with Denise Hamilton &
Chantel Jakel, and musical guest J Gaines and Soul Attorney
Tu 3/7 Author Nelson DeMille, Hypnotist Anthony Cools, and musical guest The
Kingpins
We 3/8 Author of "The Life and Times of Jim Carrey" - Ralph Benmergui, and
musical guest Jim Whitter
Th 3/9 Waren Zevon
Fr 3/10 "TSN's" Dave Hodge, "Star! TV's" Larysa Harapyn, and musical guest
The Moffatts


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Fr 3/10 5 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 3/11 Joshua Jackson / *Nsync
Sa 3/18 The Rock / band TBA


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 3/6 1 PM & Midnight Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (1996-'97)
Big Brawn Feminine Napkins, Roxbury Guys, Goat Boy, Spartan Spirits,
Ambiguously Gay Duo, MTV's Kincaid, Kerri & Kippy Strug, Mr. Peepers,
Sing-along with the Drunken Asses Ross Perot, "How am I funny?," Sabra Price
Is Right, The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She Turned Into Her
Mother!;  6 PM Matthew Perry / Oasis (1997-'98) Spartan Spirits, Friends
fountain dance, Cookie Dough Sport, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Sarcasm 101, The
Ladies' Man, Harry Caray, Goat Boy, Kevin Franklin Show, Liza!
Tu 3/7 1 PM & Midnight Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow + David L. Lander (1996-'97)
Mary Katherine Gallagher, Suel Forrester, Fun With Real Audio - Perot & Larry
King, Mickey The Dyke;  6 PM The Best of Eddie Murphy
We 3/8 1 PM & Midnight Bill Pullman / New Edition + Adam McKay (1996-'97) Bob
Dole's ID4, Home Security Decoys, Tic Tac Toe, The Rules Show, Fun With Real
Audio- Clinton & Bob Dole, Harry Caray, Hollywood Party, Hidden Camera;  6 PM
Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson / Paul Simon (1992-'93) Clintons vs. Dole,
Mmmph?, The Flatulent Italian, Don Lapre's How To Find Financial Freedom, You
Like'a Da' Juice, eh... Da Juice is Good?, Criminal Encounter
Th 3/9 1 PM & Midnight Chris Rock / The Wallflowers + Dana Carvey (1996-'97)
Excedril, I'm Chillin,' The Dark Side with Nat X, Mark Russell's Election
Year Comedy Special, Charles Grodin Show, Ambiguously Gay Duo, retiring Norm
MacDonald's Bob Dole impression, The Singing Mohan-Culps, Russell Simmons'
Def Emergency Room Jam, Perspectives;  6 PM Pamela Lee / Rollins Band + Tommy
Lee (1996-'97) Spartan Spirits, Tiger Woods Biography, Roxbury Guys,
Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Oprah, Larry King
Fr 3/10 1 PM Robert Downey Jr. / Fiona Apple + Bob & Elizabeth Dole + Evander
Holyfield (1996-'97) The Spartan Spirits, Fun With Real Audio- O.J., Mr.
Music, West Side Story, The Delicious Dish, Mary Katherine Gallagher ,
Milsford Pure Spring Water, Don & Eddie's Home Shopping;  6 PM Teri Hatcher /
Dave Matthews Band (1995-'96) Unabomer, Mary Katherine Gallagher, The
Princess & The Homeboy, Spartan Spirits, Spade in America, Joe Blow news
Sa 3/11 6 PM  Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam (1991-'92) Wayne's World, Jiffy Pop
Airbag, Queen Shenequa, Victoria Jackson sings "I Love A Cop," Airport
Security Guards, Basic Instinct with Pat


TENACIOUS D (episode 1), HBOComedy
Mo 3/6 3:45am


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 3/6 Hype (3/3/99)
Tu 3/7 Obsession (3/10/99) + 1:30 PM Supernatural (4/16/97)
We 3/8 End of the World (3/17/99) + 1 PM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..."
(4/3/96)
      HBO Plus
Su 3/12 6:30 AM Charity (1/31/96)


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

[This time I'm sending it via e-mail instead of trying to post it
from the Web. Sorry for the multiple sends -- AB]

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Feb. 28-Mar. 5, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Can we talk ... permanent guest host?

Admit it -- you *enjoyed* Kathie Lee Gifford's turn as
guest host on "Late Show with David Letterman," didn't
you?

Gifford's tour de force Thursday was so frighteningly
good -- from the pitch-perfect opening number to the
spirited interviews and her instant comeback to a
heckler -- that it redeemed the whole guest-hosting
experiment, which had still been reeling from the fiasco
of Tuesday night. (That night, "Late Show's" very first
substitute, Bill Cosby, stumbled out on stage in his
work clothes and acted, as one reader put it, like he'd
never hosted a luncheon, let alone an hour of
television.)

It wasn't just that Gifford was so compelling and so in
command, from start to finish. Alloting herself the
extra yard of permissiveness given to late-night
performers, she became (in the words of Regis Philbin)
"Broadway Kathie Lee," a persona just different enough
from daytime's chatty Kathie as to be ingratiating.

It has been 20 years since Joan Rivers made herself
Johnny Carson's indispensable temp, but it's possible
we've just seen her successor arrive.

I wasn't so convinced in the show's opening minutes,
when Gifford faltered in her monologue while the crowd --
which mixed Kathie Lee groupies in with the usual
Letterman audience types -- offered her mere
go-along-to-get-along applause.

The zingers that did score were the kind that might have
shown up on a Dean Martin roast. "I was so shocked when
I heard about Dave's heart surgery ... who knew he had a
heart?" And: "You think a quintuple bypass is hard? Try
quintuplets! Try giving birth to five watermelons, you
pantywaist geeky boy! And while you were under -- why
didn't you have your teeth fixed?"

But interest picked up when Gifford became "Broadway
Kathie Lee" and belted out a campy show tune that poked
fun at the many yarns spun about her in the tabloids.
She's done this number before in her Atlantic City act,
featuring such exquisite couplets as "There must be
something missing in somebody's life/When they'd rather
read about the plight of Frank Gifford's wife."

Midway through the number, a heckler -- no doubt
inspired by Howard Stern's on-air efforts to demonize
Gifford -- burst through a side door into the theater,
hurled a brassiere at the stage and told her to put it
on. She shot back, "Put a jockstrap on, fella." Not the
most scathing insult, but it was enough to throw the
audience, which by now was warming up to her, even more
enthusiastically to her side.

The clincher came in the next moment, when she repeated
the line of the song she was on when the heckler
interrupted: "I've learned to laugh at all the critics and
to scoff at all the jests."

Her chats with Tom Arnold and Joy Behar may have been
the equivalent of training wheels (she's pals with both
of them). But Gifford, a veteran of thousands of hours
of live TV, had the chutzpah to conduct them without
ever feeling the need to defer to the guy who's normally
behind that desk. (And give credit to show director
Jerry Foley for grabbing reaction shots from Gifford
during her interviews; it's a part of her shtick, which
is not true of Letterman.)

You may think I'm getting carried away over one night's
appearance. So let's establish a couple of things.
First, if one of the unspoken goals of the program is to
have a guest host who poses absolutely no threat to the
authority of the star (remember "Larry Sanders"), then
you can't do much better than Kathie Lee. She has a
different sensibility, she'll attract a different
audience and she'll drive some of Dave's partisans
koo-koo -- but she'd be failing if she didn't.

The trick is to keep that audience sizable and
sustainable, and so far Gifford is off to a very good
start. Thursday's "Late Show" scored a 4.2 rating and 11
share, well behind Jay Leno's 7.1/18 but well ahead of
"Late Show's" season-to-date average of 3.1.  (In fact,
Kathie Lee's rating wasn't far behind the 5.0 Dave got
on Friday, when he also trailed Leno.)  This despite the
paltry 7 share CBS prime time delivered Thursday night
-- less than a quarter (!) of NBC's 34 share for the
last half hour of "ER."

The second thing is that to me, naming someone a
permanent guest host is a lot better proposition than a
parade of fill-ins. The show's writers have more
opportunities to create running jokes suited to the
sub's personality.  The producers can establish a
routine with Host No. 2.  And it brings predictability
to the guest-host format -- which, as we all saw Tuesday
night, is often much more entertaining than
unpredictability.

On Friday, workers at the office building across the
street from the Ed Sullivan Theater -- who had
masking-taped the message KEEP IT PUMPING, DAVE! to
their windows earlier that week -- added a new message:
BRING BACK KATHIE LEE!  In fact, "Late Show" immediately
asked Gifford to host another taping in the near future.

***

Less surprising were David Letterman's first three shows
back, which established what we already knew: that Dave
is always at peak form in the first shows after a
hiatus. With an overabundance of material prepared
during the hiatus -- including jokes taped by the stars
of "NYPD Blue," "King of the Hill" and even "Magnum
P.I.," Letterman had little choice but to keep plugging
his heart surgery all week long. But I found it didn't
wear thin and I could see some references (such as to
decaf coffee) already being integrated into Dave's
nightly desk routine.

I doubt there is a reader in my audience who hasn't seen
those episodes, but a couple of things are worth
mentioning.  I thought on Monday Dave had gotten as
close to another vulnerable moment in his life as he has
ever gotten when he joked about the difference between
bypass surgery and a plain old bypass, which is "what
happened when I didn't get 'The Tonight Show.'" And
Friday's Top Ten List -- Signs We're Out of Practice
Doing the Top Ten List -- was a conceptual jim dandy,
complete with false ending and a hilarious No. 1 item
(by which time the list had suddenly switched to
"Rejected Grammy Categories"), "Oldest Dirtiest
Bastard."

There was a pent-up feeling to the outflow of comedy
last week -- so much material, so little time -- so it
will be good to see Dave back in a regular groove this
week. Ratings have already begun to settle, but I can't
believe they won't experience an uptick as a result of
all the sampling that took place last week. People who
haven't seen Letterman in years had to have liked what
they saw in these first shows back. I know I did.


***


Reader mail: Andy Ihnatko writes, "Boy, what a profound
lack of class shown by NBC and 'The Tonight Show'!  I
have never in my life seen a 'Tonight' show so heavily
promoted as Monday's Howard Stern appearance.  In fact,
I don't think I can remember any 'TS' which got
standalone promos not even attached to other NBC promos
or tags.

"That's not to say that Dave's return to 'Late Show'
should be regarded as a national holiday, but so
brazenly counter-programming what will obviously be a
very emotional show is just horribly tacky. Granted,
it's sweeps.  But Lord, this comes across as the
pathetic act of a show desperate for ratings and not a
consistent ratings champ run by self-confident, secure
people.

"I don't want to hate 'Tonight,' but it seems like every
six months or so I've got a new reason to wonder just
what the hell happened to Johnny's show."

Jeff Robbins writes, "I completely agree with you in
regard to your brief summary of Tuesday's Late Show. As
thrilled as I was to see Dave back on Monday, I was just
as embarrassed by Tuesday's show. The Cos looked like he
had never hosted a luncheon, much less a television
program. The mispronunciation of names, the confusion as
to where he should sit and not knowing when to take a
break, the horribly forced interviews (I loved the fact
that during the interview with the nurse who delivered
the McCaughey septuplets, we didn't hear about the
delivery of the McCaughey septuplets), and the cute but
unfunny monologue. And where was Paul? Did Cos demand a
more urban band for his show? CBS should cancel Bill's
sitcom as punishment for dropping that stinkbomb in
Dave's house.

Erin PaIicki writes, "I read John Zipperer's article on
the new series 'Lexx' with interest.  I am a 38-year-old
female science fiction fan to whom it is obvious that
the demographic they're aiming for with this show is
boys aged 12 to 24.  In the first episode I saw it
appeared that the female character had sex with several
monks.  However, in the next episode she still claimed
to be a virgin.  (In case you think this is just my
perception, my husband said to me, 'Didn't she have sex
with those guys in the last episode?')  This
horny-virgin routine is going to get old very quickly,
and from what I've seen so far that's what the series
revolves around.  I'm surprised that this series would
be broadcast on the same network which brings us the
wonderful series 'Farscape,' but it does indicate to me
that I won't be seeing 'Crusade' on Sci-Fi anytime
soon."

Barbara Carr writes, "My friends and I also went to a
'Norm' taping in January (see last week's Reader Mail)
and we wondered about Norm Macdonald and Laurie Metcalf
being introduced together rather than separately. But I
came to the following conclusions: (1) Norm is really
shy about the 'top billing' aspect of his job and feels
that Laurie Metcalf is the star; (2) Norm used to write
for 'Roseanne' and he feels Laurie Metcalf didn't get
her due then and deserves it now; (3) Norm is just
terrified of going out there alone by himself."

"M-D November" writes, "With the money being as
important as the gameplay, why didn't someone at CBS
contact Dick Clark about reviving 'The Pyramid'?  That
show had everything going for it -- the pace was right
on target, you could get two front games and two end
games into a half hour, and it was cheap to produce!
   Just throw in some 'Millionaire'-esque production
values and grab some stars as they leave 'Hollywood
Squares' one night, and I think CBS would have a hit.
And NBC missed the chance to revive another classic
wordplay game, 'Password'!  Granted, everyone who has
ever hosted 'Password' is dead, but..."

Brad Harvey writes, "Is it just me or is it just wrong
to see two half hour airings of 'Whose Line Is It
Anyway?' (an adaptation of a British show) followed by a
one-hour 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' (taken from yet
another UK show) and have the network keep promoting
itself as America's Broadcasting Company?"

And Michael Jones, after seeing Wednesday's list, "Top
Ten Ways The Show Is Different Since Dave's Heart
Surgery," offered this one: "It's beating Leno in the
ratings?"

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
tomalhe@...

	 February 28: in 1983, he's seen visions of murder and
	 been haunted by screams in the night. All of his friends
	 have disappeared. But it's not until after his tent has
	 been broken down and removed and he's lifted into the
	 air that Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
	 discovers a mysterious rock formation with a message for
	 him: GOODBYE. An estimated 121.6 million people tune in
	 for "The Last "M*A*S*H" Project," a two-and-a-half hour
	 finale titled "Goodbye, Farewell, Amen."

	 February 29: in 1976, one lucky person each week gets to
	 be touched by Carl Reiner in "Good Heavens," a
	 lightweight and lighthearted comedy in which God smiles
	 upon one of his faithful each episode and has dispatches
	 a Mr. Angel to grant the person one wish for anything
	 (except money). Executive producer Reiner might have
	 wished for more viewers, as the show is off the ABC
	 schedule in less than four months.

	 February 30: in 2002, the French arts institute Canular
	 de Jour Supplementaire honors Kirstie Alley for her much
	 misunderstood opus, "Veronica's Closet."

	 March 1: in 1982, Adam Ant, Pat Benatar, David Bowie,
	 Mick Jagger, Stevie Nicks, The Police, and Pete
	 Townshend are all annoyed that their local cable company
	 operators have yet not made the decision to add to their
	 channel lineups a certain network devoted to rock 'n'
	 roll. Such is the premise of the highly infectious ad
	 campaign launched on this day: "I Want My MTV!"

	 March 2: in 1977, Jay Leno makes his debut on "The
	 Tonight Show with Johnny Carson," and immediately thinks
	 of several ways to ruin the show if he ever becomes its
	 host.

	 March 3: in 1980, few asked for it, but an ex-football
	 jock (Fran Tarkenton), a lounge singer (John Davidson),
	 and an "actress" (Cathy Lee Crosby) lend their combined
	 credibility to the delivery of daredevil dogs, dummies,
	 and death defying displays decrying, "Don't Try This At
	 Home." Wow, "That's Incredible!"

	 March 4: in 1982, hot on the heels of their success with
	 "Airplane!," Leslie Nielsen and producers Jim Abrahams,
	 Jerry and David Zucker aim too high with too many
	 jokes-a-minute in the series "Police Squad" ("IN
	 COLOR!") On tonight's episode, "A Substantial Gift (The
	 Broken Promise)," the bizarre case of a bank teller
	 who's staged a holdup, Detective Frank Drebin can tell
	 one person's story just isn't adding up. He just doesn't
	 know who that person is. "Special guest star" Lorne
	 Greene dies in the opening credits. Rex Hamilton stars
	 as Abraham Lincoln.

	 March 5: in 1986, "Fast Times" hits TV screens with only
	 teachers Ray Walston and Vincent Schiavelli sticking
	 around from the film set at Ridgemont High. Among the
	 new kids showing up for class (or lack thereof) are
	 Wallace Langham, Moon Unit Zappa, Patrick Dempsey, Jason
	 Hervey, Courtney Thorne-Smith and Dean Cameron as Jeff
	 Spicoli. Nobody graduates this series, as it's flunked
	 after only six weeks.

	 (Thanks to the demented David Tanny, Earl Green, Brooks,
	 Marsh & MacNeil. Spend Leap Day shopping Tom Heald's
	 TEST PATTERNS website at
	 http://members.aol.com/testpatterns.)


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge
http://www.interbridge.com

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 2/28 Drew Carey, Dolly Parton
Tu 2/29 David Brenner (guest host), Wendy Liebman, Ben Harper
We 3/1 Candice Bergen
Th 3/2 Nathan Lane (guest host)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 2/28 Pamela Anderson Lee, David Boreanaz, Sammie
Tu 2/29 Sharon Stone, Ellen DeGeneres
We 3/1 Neve Campbell, Sen. John McCain, Judy Gold
Th 3/2 Garry Shandling, Tyra Banks, Filter
Fr 3/3 Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael C. Maronna

Mo 3/6 Gary Sinise
Tu 3/7 Angelina Jolie, French Stewart
We 3/8 Chloe Sevigny, Marc Anthony
Th 3/9 Rick Schroder, Mitch Fatel, Eric Benet
Fr 3/10 Hilary Swank, Jerry O'Connell


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 2/28 Kathy Ireland, Forest Whitaker, Tom Rhodes
Tu 2/29 Model Michelle Behennah, Terry Bradshaw
We 3/1 Pete Sampras, Shannon Curfman
Th 3/2 Will Ferrell, Frankie Avalon
Fr 3/3 Danny DeVito, Bob Costas, Molly Price

Mo 3/6 TBA
Tu 3/7 Kim Delaney
We 3/8 Kevin Pollak, Arianna Huffington
Th 3/9 TBA
Fr 3/10 Kimberly Davis


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 2/28 Jay Leno, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Smash Mouth (R 11/12/99)
Tu 2/29 Melissa Joan Hart, The Cure
We 3/1 Lisa Rinna, Tom Agna
Th 3/2 Rupert Everett, Kim Delaney, Ainsley Harriott
Fr 3/3 Michael T. Weiss, The Flaming Lips

Mo 3/6 Jay Mohr, Angie Harmon, Janine DiTullio (R 11/24/99)
Tu 3/7 Garth Brooks, Saffron Burrows (R 12/2/99)
We 3/8 Tim Robbins, Laura Kightlinger, Timothy "Speed" Levitch
(R 2/3/99)
Th 3/9 Hilary Swank, Brian Williams, Everything but the Girl
(R 11/23/99)
Fr 3/10 Christopher Walken, Joe Montana, Ruth Gerson (R 1/04/00)


LATER, NBC
Mo 2/28 Sixpence None the Richer
Tu 2/29 Dido
We 3/1 Russell Simmons
Th 3/2 Kittie


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 2/28 Cokie and Steve Roberts, "Reindeer Games" panel


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 2/28 John Henton, Kathy Ireland, Randy Tate, John Lydon
Tu 2/29 Michael McKean, Tucker Carlson, Rev. Al Sharpton
We 3/1 Martin Short, Darlene Kennedy
Th 3/2 Arianna Huffington, Nadine Strossen, Nora Dunn
Fr 3/3 Lisa Rinna, Rick James, Michelle McKinney Hammond, Cedric the
Entertainer

Mo 3/6 TBA
Tu 3/7 Dana Carvey, Martha Plimpton, Cyndi Mosteller, Chris Cuomo
We 3/8 Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Leah Remini
Th 3/9 Ian Anderson
Fr 3/10 Penn Jillette, Rosemary Altea


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 2/28 Forest Whitaker
Tu 2/29 Neal Patrick Harris
We 3/1 Ellen DeGeneres
Th 3/2 Tobey Maguire


CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER & BLACKER, HBOPlus
Sa 3/4 11:45pm
Su 3/19 3:40am

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
      HBO
Su 3/5 1:45 AM Cedric the Entertainer / Nas
      HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 2/28 Jesse Jackson, musical guest Rakim (11/7/97)
Tu 2/29 Reverend Al Sharpton, Mary J. Blige (11/21/97)
We 3/1 East Jada Pinkett and musical guest LSG (12/12/97)
Th 3/2 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky (8/21/98)
Fr 3/3 Jenifer Lewis and D'Angelo (2/14/97)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
      HBO
Fr 3/3 - TBA on "something or another" (new episode, tho)
Fr 3/10 - Kevin Smith on "God"
      HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 2/28 Rep. Pat Schroeder on GOP's 1st Hundred Days (4/07/95)
Tu 2/29 Halle Berry on Race (4/14/95)
We 3/1 Richard Lewis on What Men Want from Women (4/21/95)
Th 3/2 Sandra Bullock on What Women Want from Men (4/28/95)
Fr 3/3 Jay Leno on Tabloids (5/05/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
      HBO Comedy (nightly, at 11:30 ET)
Mo 2/28 "Artie's Gone" Bruno Kirby, Steven Wright, Porno For Pyros
(7/14/93)
Tu 2/29 "Larry Loses Interest" Joan Embry, Suzanne Somers (7/21/93)
We 3/1 "Larry's Partner" Eric Bogosian (7/28/93)
Th 3/2 "Broadcast Nudes" Hugh Hefner (8/4/93)
Fr 3/3 "Larry's Birthday" Sugar Ray Leonard (8/11/93)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 3/4  Bill Mahr (r-11//99) No Blacks on the TV Screen,
Politically Incorrect with "Britney Spears," "Janeane
Garofalo," and "President Clinton," Slap Happy, Stick
Chicks, Star Wars '99 Misadventure, Father & Son
Competition, Bunifa at the Mall, MAD Classic: CLOPS III,
and Spy vs. Spy-Air Attack


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID
      HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Tu 2/29 "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper
Open, Phone Sex, Audition, Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy
Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking Close
We 3/1 "It's Insane this Guy's Taint!" - Speakers Open,
Intervention, Ka-Ching, Stop Change Thieves, Men's Club
of Allah, Be Kind Rewind, Windbreaker, Taint
Th 3/2 "Eat Rotten Fruit From a Sh**ty Tree" - Water
Cooler Open, Marty Farty, Date With The Queen, Spite
Marriage, God's Book On Tape, Monster Mash, Coffee Hunt
Close
Fr 3/3 "Like Chickens...Delicious Chickens" -
Reparations Open, Bugged Drug Deal, Rich Guy Negative
Ads, The Great Hemingway, Most Trusted News Team, Fat
Survivor, Civil War Re-Enactments, Home Shopping Close
      HBO Plus
Tu 2/29  5:25 AM "Life Is Precious And God And The
Bible" - Medical Marijuana Open, Pharmacy, Law School,
Cloning Hitler, Lifeboat, Scams And Flams, Weather Close
"Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys'
Club, Toenapper News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre,
Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000, Fart Lighting
Close
Su 3/5 10:30 PM "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open,
Mr. Show Boys' Club, Toenapper News Intro, Toenapper,
Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000,
Fart Lighting Close


NIGHTLINE, ABC
"Crime and Punishment" week: Juvenile Justice
Mo 2/28 Thomas Preciado, Judge Timothy Evans on California's
Proposition 21
Tu 2/29 Growing up in Lockdown
We 3/1 Holden Ranch, Juvenile offenders returning to society
Th 3/2 Mental health issues and the juvenile justice system
Fr 3/3 California's Proposition 21, Santa Clara County's
juvenile system


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 2/28 Actor David Leisure, PSI Factor actor Soo Garay,
and musical guest Sue Medley
Tu 2/29 Brian Costello -  Host of syndicated radio show: Money Matters
We 3/1 Kimberly Seldon - Host of Life Network's Design for Living,  Ken
Tremblett - Star of YTV's Caitlin's Way, and musical guest Aqua
Th 3/2 Author Carl Hiassen, and musical guest Coal Chamber
Fr 3/3 Ex-Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly, Star! TV's  Laraysa Harapyn,
and musical guest Lullaby Baxter


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 2)
Fr 3/10 5 AM
Tu 3/21 2:35am
We 3/29 9:30pm


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 3/4 Heather Graham / Marc Anthony (r-10/16/99) Al W.
Bush Gore, Litter Critters, Jack and Laura on the plane,
The Ladies' Man reviews porn, "Hans and Franz; Where Are
They Now?," NetAid, Dog Show, SNL's decision not to do a
Blair Witch spoof, The Uncomfortable Three-Way
Sa 3/11 Joshua Jackson
Sa 3/18 The Rock / band TBA

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: BEST GAME SHOW PARODIES,Aeo PRIMETIME SPECIAL, NBC
Tu 2/29 (8-9 p.m. ET) Who Wants to Eat, Celebrity
Jeopardy, Old French Whore, The Bensonhurst Dating Game,
Coneheads Family Feud and Jackie Rogers Jr. $100,000
Jackpot Wad.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 2/28 1 PM & Midnight John Travolta / Seal (1994-'95)
Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin Tarantino's
"Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live; 6 PM Alec
Baldwin / Whitney Houston + Evander Holyfield (1990-'91)
The McLaughlin Group, host's inner thoughts, The Dancer,
The Sinead O'Connor, Cyrano de Bergerac, Lank Thompson's
"I'm A Handsome Actor" course
Tu 2/29 1 PM & Midnight Sarah Jessica Parker / R.E.M.
(1994-'95) host sings "Tomorrow", Eterna Rest coffin,
Good Morning Brooklyn, Confucius, The Casting Couch,
WIzard of Oz, Michael O'Donoghue eulogy;  6 PM Madonna /
Simple Minds + Father Guido Sarducci + Penn and Teller
(1985-'86) El Spectacular De Marika, Jones Brothers,
Pinklisting, " I Don't Want A Baby Coloring Book,"
National Inquirer Theatre, Critic
We 3/1 1 PM & Midnight Steve Forbes / Rage Against The
Machine (1995-'96) Unabomber class reunion, Grayson
Moorhead Securities, Suel Forrester, Rita Delvecchio,
Roofers, Seattle Today, Barber School;  6 PM Nicholas
Cage / Bobby Brown (1992-'93) Woody Allen, Canis cologne
for dogs, Nightline, Naming the Baby, The Queen Shenequa
Show
Th 3/2 1 PM & Midnight Roseanne / Green Day + Rip Taylor
(1994-'95) - Rude Rescue 911, Civil War Memories, Funny
Strange vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up;  6 PM Neve Campbell /
David Bowie (1996-'97) Suel Forrester, Delicious Dish,
Fun With Real Audio- State of the Union address, Spartan
Spirits, Janet Reno's Dance Party, Hollywood Minute,
20/20, Gossiping Gestapo, Adventures of the White Trash
Disaster Trailer
Fr 3/3 1 PM George Steinbrenner / The Time (1990-'91)
Middle-Aged Man, Winston-McCauley Funeral Home, The
wimpy Boss, What Was I Thinking?;  6 PM Mike Meyers /
Aerosmith (1996-'97) Scottish Soccer Hooligan weekly,
Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Mary Katherine Gallagher,
Coffee Talk, Dominican Lou, Sprockets, Prematurely Gray,
Tito Jackson
Sa 3/4 4 PM Steve Martin / Eric Clapton + Brian Austin
Green + Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell
(1994-'95) Clinton auditions, Home Headache Test, Total
Bastard Airlines, Ron Wood Show, Super Sports Tours;  6
PM Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt (1994-'95) Mona Lisa
Vito, Piercing Today, Daily Affirmation, Eric Bogosian
vs Spaulding Gray, Bridal Fair


TENACIOUS D (episode 1), HBOComedy
Fr 3/3 9:45pm


TRACEY TAKES ON...
      HBO
We 3/1 6 AM Best of Second Season (5/28/97)
Fr 3/3 2 PM Nostalgia (2/07/96)
      HBO Comedy (Nightly at 7:30 ET)
Mo 2/28 Hair (1/20/99), 5:50 AM Sex (1/18/97)
Tu 2/29 Mothers (2/2/97)
We 3/1 Lies (1/27/99)
Th 3/2 Erotica (2/3/99)
Fr 3/3 Books (2/10/99) + 9 AM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..."
Sa 3/4 Road Rage (2/17/99)
Su 3/5 America (2/24/99)
      HBO Plus
Mo 2/28 9:30 PM Romance (1/24/96)
      HBO Signature
Mo 2/28 12:30 PM  Royalty (2/14/96)
We 3/1 7:45 AM Politics (4/23/97)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 2/28 10:30PM The UCB spreads chaos and undermines
authority for the good of the world.


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Feb. 21-27, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------



"Wait till you hear what happened to me."

And with that opening line, David Letterman reasserted
his rightful place on stage at the Ed Sullivan Theater
on Friday, in his first taping of a "Late Show"
broadcast since his emergency open-heart surgery last
month.

You can read my preview of the show, which airs Monday,
at the TV Barn Web site.

"I'm not going to spoil the show for those who are going
to watch it," writes a longtime TV Barn reader who was
there, "but I really felt the show was special and
hilarious. Not once was the applause sign lit -- all the
laughs and claps were genuine. And for those of you who
are med students, there is a lot of medical humor."

Dave also made his pre-show appearance before the studio
audience more electrifying than usual by running onto
the stage. "He looked great and had a big smile," said a
mole. "He had a few very funny one-liners about being
off the show for so long, and then asked us one favor --
to clap to thank all the doctors and nurses who saved
his life ... At the end of the show, we all got special
cardiac-bypass 'Late Show' T-shirts."

"Late Show" executive producer Rob Burnett added, "It
was amazing. It was one of those shows that honestly in
my heart I believe 15 years from now people are going to
say, 'Did you see the Letterman comeback show?' It had
an amazing emotional quality to it. ... He came out and
the audience leapt to its feet ... You got that from one
side, and then behind Dave you saw hardened stagehands
choking back tears. It was one of those shows that will
be hard to forget."

Just in case Letterman needed it, the "Late Show" staff
had plenty of material ready to use on the air. (The New
York Daily News reported that Bryant Gumbel and CNBC's
Maria Bartiromo would be among those starring in a taped
mock newscast poking fun at Dave's heart problems.) It
all got set aside. "If you liked the writers' strike
shows you'll love this, because that was all this was,"
said Burnett, referring to the 1988 shows Letterman
essentially ad-libbed. "The whole show was reformatted
on the fly and all the planned comedy and segments were
dumped. It was a very happy decision to make."

Burnett reports that his boss is in fabulous condition
and "was not at all wiped out from the experience. ...
He was thrilled that he responded as well as he did." So
look for things to return to normal on-air, although not
immediately. Dave will adhere to a
Monday-Wednesday-Friday routine at least through next
week (with guest hosts on the other days), and there's
the matter of all that material they didn't use on
Monday.

"My personal feeling is that on Wednesday we will still
have the right to empty the bin of all that heart
surgery stuff," said Burnett. "But eventually it will
evolve into the same old crap."


***

Reader mail: David Carroll sure brightened my day with
this letter. "Aaron, thanks again for your column and
your website -- and the chance to actually contact you.
Some of the other big names apparently don't welcome
feedback from their readers, like Rudy Martzke, the
nerdy sports-on-TV columnist for USA Today. He recently
wrote a hilarious column naming his 'All Century
Sportscasters,' which was fairly accurate if the century
began in 1980, when his idols Costas, Michaels, etc.
came into prominence.  Folks like Mel Allen, Ray Scott,
Harry Caray and other true giants somehow didn't make
our Rudy's list.  I suppose they didn't return his
calls...

"I'm actually writing you about 'Inside Edition.' Yes, I
fell for the hype, and actually taped the three episodes
with glamour-puss Deborah Norville behind bars in a
nasty ole prison for a few days.  I howled!  Poor Deb,
with minimal makeup, and an 'unobtrusive' camera crew
mixing with folks from the darkside; Deb's anguished
phone calls to her tots ('Mommy's in a hotel'); Deb
captured attempting sleep, thanks to the miracle of
night-vision cameras; Deb's relief when some thug-ette
is released (o fortunate timing!); the fear on Deb's
face when an unexpected 'shakedown' occurs (did they
find her concealer???); the 'live' phone calls from
viewers with in-depth comments ('Deborah, you are so
pretty!'); Deborah's profound statement upon being freed
at last (squinting at the sun, she said, 'It's brighter
than I thought!') You would have thought she was one of
John McCain's old POW-mates!

"It will go down as one of the great camp TV sweeps
stunts of all time!  And 'Saturday Night Live,' if you
don't parody this one, you're not paying attention!"

Speaking of "SNL," Bob Joress has been keeping me
updated over the past few months on a strange phenomenon
happening on that show: His home town of Framingham,
Mass., keeps getting written into the scripts! It all
started last November, when Bob wrote, "This past
weekend's 'SNL' featured an NRA skit. The first person
'interviewed' in the skit was a 'Gil Framingham.' The
skit interrupted a previous cheerleader skit feature the
Spartans. Later in the show, we were treated to the 1977
'circumcision ad' featuring a rabbi from Temple Beth
Shalom.

"All of which begs the following question: What is the
relationship between 'SNL' and the Town of Framingham?
The high school football team (pre-consolidation) was
called the Spartans. And one of the temples in town is
Beth Shalom. Can you find out if there's a Framingham
connection? Perhaps it's an old school mate of mine
who'd like to give me a job!"

So TV Barn forwarded Bob's letter to the publicist for
"SNL," who wrote back, "After reviewing the tape, it
clearly looks like a coincidence of unbelievable
proportions ... Beth Shalom could be a temple anywhere."

End of the matter? Hardly. Framingham got mentioned in a
recent episode of Fox's "Family Guy," and then last
month Bob wrote: "Tonight on 'SNL' we met a family in a
Will Farrell skit named Tom and Kathy Framingham. That
brings to four the number of local references. As the
definitive TV guru, you must solve the mYStErY of
fRAmiNGhAm ... I implore you." We'll try our best.

"Late Show with David Letterman" fan Dan Muckey writes,
"Add me to the list of people who are enjoying the
unique use of guest hosts on 'Late Show Backstage.' It's
like the best of two worlds: We see a fresh Julia
Roberts, but still have classic Dave. Although I'm not
looking forward to seeing Bruce Willis do his 'Go-Go'
routine again."

"To me, they are a breath of fresh air," writes Bruce
White.  "I've stayed up too many nights watching them
where I might not have stayed up for the show
otherwise."

David Bruggeman counters, "While I can't say 'Late Show
Backstage' looks bad right now, it certainly has lost
some of its focus.  I find it really strange that by the
end of last week the folks at the 'Late Show' couldn't
sustain a guest for half the show and had to go to other
segments that didn't involve them at all (the night with
Alec Baldwin, for example, they inexplicably cut to the
Mad Baker segment).  For all these 'friends of Dave,'
I'd think they could find a half hour of material for
each one.  They didn't even use all the good Bruce
Willis material, like the clip where Dave finds Bruce
dancing in the strip club."

Patrick Dobson responds to last week's column about
Mediachannel.org. "I agree media criticism is good, but
it ain't all good," he writes. "Media criticism does not
work well by itself. It is best and most functional in
concert with independent voices, usually in a form that
treads on the giants' turf. Alternative papers used to
serve just this function. But even here, a shift to
freak-show reporting -- telling 'us' about 'them,'
rather than telling people about themselves -- and a
move to conglomeration hurts, rather than helps."
(Indeed, Patrick's employer, the alternative
PitchWeekly, was just bought out.)

John Carney recently went to a taping of the ABC sitcom
"Norm" and penned a column about it for his newspaper,
the Shelbyville (Tenn.) Times-Gazette. He writes, "One
thing I didn't mention in the column is that they were
very deliberate, both in the pre-show introduction and
the curtain call, in introducing Norm Macdonald and
Laurie Metcalf together, with equal billing. Every other
cast member was introduced individually, but in both
cases Norm and Laurie were brought out together."

And Michael Jones, having seen my recent story on the
wacky new game show "Wed at First Sight," writes,
"Finally television is doing something to reverse the
'Seinfeld' syndrome (many dates, no marriage) that so
poisoned the medium in the 90's. Here another idea: What
about a two-part program in which the couple are hitched
after an obligatory 30-minute courtship -- and
immediately enter an intense counseling session with Dr.
Laura to solidify the relationship? I wonder if the
doctor would go for something like this." Well, if her
new syndicated show tanks in the ratings this fall,
after a couple of weeks she'll be open to just about
anything.


***


Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 February 20: in 1999, Gene Siskel, R.I.P.

	 February 21: in 1997, on "Days of Our Lives," Kristin
	 Blake gives birth to John Black, Jr., ... except it
	 isn't really Kristin, it's her pregnant look-alike Susan
	 Banks, and the child's father isn't John Black ... it's
	 really Stefano DiMera, although Banks believes the
	 father of her child is really ... Elvis Presley.

	 February 22: in 1971, Fred Rogers leaves his
	 neighborhood and takes the trolley to visit his friend
	 on another network, CBS, appearing this morning with his
	 friend Captain Kangaroo.

	 February 23: in 1966, Lucille Ball tells CBS her sitcom
	 will self-destruct if they don't accept a new drama from
	 her Desilu Studio -- "Mission: Impossible."

	 February 24: in 1976, a Korean War reporter (Clete
	 Roberts) visits the 4077th "M*A*S*H" unit to conduct
	 "The Interview," based on an Edward R. Murrow
	 documentary "Christmas in Korea."  Each of the cast
	 members was given a tape recorder to create their
	 character's thoughts and answers to writer Larry
	 Gelbart's questions, and from these ad-libbed character
	 sketches the episode was written, accompanied by period
	 newsreel footage.

	 February 25: in 1978, "The Simpsons" star on tonight's
	 "Saturday Night Live." O.J. Simpson hosts, while Nick
	 Ashford and wife Valerie Simpson serve as musical
	 guests. Not only does the host appear in full "Conehead"
	 makeup, he also stars as "Mandingo II."

	 February 26: in 1977, in the only episode of "The Mary
	 Tyler Moore Show" ever to use dream sequences, Ted, Lou
	 and Murray all wonder what married life would be like
	 with Ms. Richards. Ed Asner tells TV Guide he favors
	 having Lou and Mary wed in the series finale.

	 February 27: in 1979, NBC attempts to revive the
	 old-time movie serials with "Cliffhangers." Three
	 stories -- each one joined already in progress -- make
	 up the hour. The evil Anthony Korf tries to "Stop Susan
	 Williams" (Susan Anton), an 1800s marshall named Jim
	 Donner (Geoffrey Scott) discovers aliens in  the
	 underground "Secret Empire" of Chimera, and Count
	 Dracula (Michael Nouri), who is "undead and well and
	 living in California," teaches night school classes in
	 European history in "The Curse of Dracula."

	 February 28: in 1966, on "Lost in Space," Dr. Smith is
	 attacked by a giant talking carrot. Yes, they are
	 running out of ideas. Only one episode will follow "The
	 Great Vegetable Rebellion," which may or may not have
	 inspired the 1970s movie, "Attack of the Killer
	 Tomatoes."

	 February 29: in 1988, NBC takes a "leap" of faith with
	 "Day by Day," a companion piece to "Family Ties," about
	 a St. Louis couple who quit their high power jobs to
	 open a day-care center.  The series is perhaps more well
	 known for its supporting characters than its leads --
	 Julia-Louis Dreyfus is the best friend, Courtney
	 Thorne-Smith as an employee, Christopher Barnes as the
	 loving son and "American Beauty's" Thora Birch as one of
	 the day-care kids. Barnes later parlayed his character's
	 dream of being a member of "The Brady Bunch" into a role
	 as Greg Brady in both "Brady Bunch" movies.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh, & McNeil. Visit
	 Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS website at
	 http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>, or he'll take it
	 personally.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 2/21: Dave is back! with Regis Philbin, Robin Williams, Foo Fighters
Tu 2/22: Guest host Bill Cosby, Heidi Klum, Vince Carter, Adam Ferrara
We 2/23: Dave is back! with Julia Roberts
Th 2/24: Guest host Kathie Lee Gifford, Oscar de la Hoya, Linda Eder
Fr 2/25: TBA (but probably Dave)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 2/21: Howard Stern, Tobey Maguire, Sugar Ray
Tu 2/22: Richard Simmons, Michael Clarke Duncan
We 2/23: Ben Affleck, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Model, David Copper=
field
Th 2/24: Michael Douglas, Catherine Keener, Santana
Fr 2/25: Rodney Dangerfield

Mo 2/28: Pamela Anderson Lee, David Boreanaz, Sammie
Tu 2/29: Sharon Stone, Ellen DeGeneres, mad scientist David Willey


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 2/21: Charlize Theron, Andy Kindler
Tu 2/22: Amanda Peet, Tony Bennett
We 2/23: Sports Illustrated swimsuit model
Th 2/24: Ben Affleck, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model
Fr 2/25: Cheech Marin, Destiny's Child, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model

Mo 2/28: Kathy Ireland, Forest Whitaker, Tom Rhodes
Tu 2/29: Model Michelle Behennah, Terry Bradshaw
We 3/1: Shannon Curfman
Th 3/2: Will Ferrell, Frankie Avalon


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 2/21: David Spade, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rage Against the Machine (R 11/=
11/99)
Tu 2/22: Gary Sinise, Robert Schimmel
We 2/23: Kevin Pollak, Alex Kingston
Th 2/24: Dan Castellaneta, Howie Mandel
Fr 2/25: John Stamos, Slipknot

Mo 2/28: Jay Leno, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Smash Mouth (R 11/12/99)
Tu 2/29: The Cure
We 3/1: Lisa Rinna
Th 3/2: Kim Delaney, Ainsley Harriott


LATER, NBC
Mo 2/21: TBA; host Cynthia Garrett


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
TBA

POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 2/21: Joe Queenan, Marlee Matlin, Ray Benson, Sheila Moloney
Tu 2/22: Mike Green, Mary J. Blige
We 2/23: Helen Gurley Brown, Floyd Brown, Scott Weiland
Th 2/24: French Stewart, Eric Roberts, Ann Coulter, Barry Scheck
Fr 2/25: Dennis Miller, Johnny Rzeznick, Debbie Schlussel

Mo 2/28: John Henton, Kathy Ireland, Randy Tate
Tu 2/29: Michael McKean, Tucker Carlson, Rev. Al Sharpton
We 3/1: Martin Short, Forest Whitaker
Th 3/2: Arianna Huffington, Nadine Strossen


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 2/21: Rerun TBA
Tu 2/22: Snoop Dogg
We 2/23: Charlize Theron
Th 2/24: Neil Patrick Harris


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 2/27 11:50 PM Hammer  / Q-Tip
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 2/21 Cedric the Entertainer
Tu 2/22 Amanda Lewis / Kellis
We 2/23 Bryant Gumbel, LL Cool J (10/17/97)
Th 2/24 Oklahoma congressman J.C. Watts, Jr., Busta Rhymes (10/24/97)
Fr 2/25 Chris Spencer, Bobby Brown (10/31/97)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 2/21 Bob Costas on Pro Sports Strikes (12/23/94)
Tu 2/22 Molly Ivins on What's right with America (12/30/94)
We 2/23 Charlie Sheen on Criticism (1/06/95)
Th 2/24 Fran Lebowitz on Civility (1/13/95)
Fr 2/25 Sharon Stone on Women in Hollywood (1/20/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBO Comedy
Mo 2/21 "The List" Alec Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Ed Begley Jr. (6/9/93)
Tu 2/22 "The Stalker" Corbin Bernsen, Phil Hartman (6/16/93)
We 2/23 "Larry's Agent" Tommy Newsom, Doc Severinsen, Barry Levinson (6/23/=
93)
Th 2/24 "The Hankerciser 200" (6/30/93)
Fr 2/25 "Life Behind Larry" Kevin Nealon, Richard Lewis, David Letterman,
Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Snyder (7/7/93)
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 2/23 "Hank's Contract" Robin Williams, George Foreman (9/26/92), "Out of=

the Loop" Peter Falk (11/3/92)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 2/26 George Carlin / The Cure -- "The Reading Caboose"

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 2/21 "Life Is Precious And God And The Bible" - Medical Marijuana Open, =

Pharmacy, Law School, Cloning Hitler, Lifeboat, Scams And Flams, Weather
Close "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club, Toenapper=

News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000=
,
Fart Lighting Close
Tu 2/22 "It's A No Brainer" - Li'l Devil Knee Socks, Protestors, On The Spo=
t
NEws, Line-up Room/VTV, Culture Hunt, Frankly Anne, Europe Maps, Jack Webbe=
r,
Calendar, Dream Of A Lifetime, Massage Cream, Anders' Press Conference/Slop=
py
Close, Fishing
We 2/23 "A White Men Set Them Free"†- Viewer Hate Mail/Cracker Barrel, Bob =
&
David Go Mail Box, Sarcasmo, Marriage Con, Map Link, Bioshpere, Humanimal
Photo, Ice Cream Flavors, Last Indian Doodlesnicker, Carton The Last Indian=
,
Vietnam Helicopter, Army Scene, Movie Still, Night Talk w/ The Senate
SubcommitteeEst. Shot Arena W/ Announcer, All Star Salute To The Last India=
n,
Last Indian
Th 2/24 "The Return Of The Curse of The Creature's Ghost" Moe Phelps open, =

Happy Janitor, Local World News, Blowj*b, Titanicca Pre-taped callin show, =

The Return Of The Curse Of The Creature's Ghost Chip On Your Shoulder Club,=

Up Your Mother's A**,
Fr 2/25  9:30 PM "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Po=
rn
Titles, Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints,
Borden Grote, Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival
Fr 2/25 "Bush is A Pussy" - Kedsie Takes Over, Worthington's Law, Value
Magazine, Ranking Money, Siamese Twins, Bad News Breakers, Mafia
Mathematicians, 24 is the Highest Number, Marching Band, Philouza,
Mediocrity, Dr. Katz


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 2/21 PSI Factor actor Soo Garay, and Coronation Street actor Nigel Pivar=
o
Tu 2/22 Traders actress Angela Vint, Comic and stand-up bass Mitch Hedberg =
&
Chuck Savage, and musical guest Mark Wills
We 2/23 Comic Mike Beaver and musical guest Five Man Electrical Band
Th 2/24 Canadian clothing designer Brian Bailey
Fr 2/25 TSN's Off the Record host Michael Landsberg and musical guest I
Mother Earth


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 1)
Fr 2/25 10:30 PM
Su 2/27 11:30 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 2/26 Norm Macdonald / Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg & Eminem (r-10/23/99)=

Rudy Giuliani's World Series bet, Martha Stewart's IPO, Great Moments in
Yankee History Celebrity Jeopardy w/Burt Reynolds, Sean Connery, and French=

Stewart, NBC Crosstalk: How Thin is Too Thin?, Larry King's News and Views,=

Fun with Real Audio, The MacMullens Argue at Halloween, Michael Jackson
drowns his sorrows, Inside the Actors Studio w/Clint Eastwood, Chess for Gi=
rls
Sa 3/4 Rerun TBA
Sa 3/11 Joshua Jackson
Sa 3/18 The Rock / band TBA


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 2/21 SNL MARATHON -- 10 AM & 3 PM Chevy Chase / Sheila E. (1985-'86) - T=
he
Pat Stevens Show, Pathological Liars Anonymous, Those Unlucky Andersons;  1=
1
AM Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends (1980-'81) - "Not To Tell The Truth,"=

Work Time, Tommy Torture, January 11th celebration, crime forecast, Have A =

Nice Day - the movie, "The Man With The Black Hat," The Waiter-Maker;  Noon=

Tom Arnold / Neil Young + Dick Butkus (1992-'93) Wayne's World, Sex & Peer =

Pressure At Valley High, Clinton at McDonald's, Super Fans at the hospital,=

GED class reunion;  1 PM & 7 PM Chris Rock / The Wallflowers + Dana Carvey =

(1996-'97) Excedril, I'm Chillin,' The Dark Side with Nat X, Mark Russell's=

Election Year Comedy Special, Charles Grodin Show, Ambiguously Gay Duo,
retiring Norm MacDonald's Bob Dole impression, The Singing Mohan-Culps,
Russell Simmons' Def Emergency Room Jam, Perspectives;  2 PM John Goodman /=

Garth Brooks (1991-'92) The candidates court the Star Trek vote, Natalie
Cole's Unforgivable, My 75 Kids, Cajunman, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer;  4 PM
Julianne Moore / Backstreet Boys (1997-'98) Kenneth Starr interruptions,
"Gloria Stuart", Delicious Dish, The Ladies' Man, Barbara Walters Oscar
Special, Conspiracy Theory Rock!, Good Morning With Liza!, Go- Lords ;  5 P=
M
Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon (1992-'93) - Larry King Live=
,
Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With Dennis Miller," Sunday
Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt;   6 PM Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors + Robert=

DeNiro & Martin Scorsese (1992-'93) - Presidential debate, Pinky Ring, Sing=
le
White Person (with Pat!), Zorida;  8 PM Kevin Spacey / Beck + John Cleese &=

Michael Palin (1996-'97) Late Show with David Letterman, Star Wars 20th
anniversary, Janet Reno's Dance Party, Mr. Peepers, X-Presidents, Joe Pesci=

Show, Dead Parrot;  9 PM & Midnight The Best of Phil Hartman
Tu 2/22 1 PM & Midnight Emilio Esteves / Pearl Jam (1993-'94) Michael Fay, =

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz, The Whitewater Folder, Operaman, How Much Ya Bench?,=

The Herlihy Boy;  6 PM David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page (1997-'98) =

Janet Reno's X-Files, Spartan Spirits, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Celebrity
Jeopardy!, Cinder Calhoun, Mango, Oprah & Goat Boy, From The Earth To The
Area Around The Earth, Golords
We 2/23 1 PM & Midnight Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson (1993-'94) - Coffe=
e
Talk, Eych!, Wayne Campbell on Melrose Place, Sandler sings "Summer Love," =

Andy Rooney, Orgasm Guy, "So Long, Farewell";  6 PM Patrick Stewart/ Salt -=
N-
Pepa (1993-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures, Scottish Therapist,  sexy
bathroom cakes, Love Boat : The Next Generation, Cosby Mysteries, Show & Te=
ll
with Joycelyn Elders, It's Not Their Fault
Th 2/24 1 PM & Midnight Steve Martin / Eric Clapton + Brian Austin Green + =

Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell (1994-'95) Clinton auditions,
Home Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron Wood Show, Super Sports
Tours;  6 PM John Goodman / The Pretenders (1993-'94) Mario Cuomo Vs. Howar=
d
Stern, Captain Jim & Pedro, Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol/Cop=
s,
American Sportsman Today w/Rush Limbaugh & Ron Wood , Theatre Stories, In H=
is
Own Words- Michael Bolton, Flintstones names, killer taxi drivers
Fr 2/25 1 PM Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt (1994-'95) Mona Lisa Vito, Piercin=
g
Today, Daily Affirmation, Eric Bogosian vs Spaulding Gray, Bridal Fair;  6 =
PM
Jimmy Smits / World Party + Bob Costas (1990-'91) Chia Head, Game
Challengers, Simon, The Dark Side with Nat X;  8 PM Roseanne / Green Day + =

Rip Taylor (1994-'95) - Rude Rescue 911, Civil War Memories, Funny Strange =

vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up;  9 PM John Goodman / Everclear + Elle MacPherson
(1995-'96) MTV News, The Real World w/Bob Dole, Joe Pesci Show, Suel
Forrester, Fecal Matters, Bill Brasky;  10 PM The Best of Saturday Night Li=
ve
Starring: Mel Gibson, John Malkovich, Dolly Parton, Mathew Modine, and Edie=

Brickel.
Sa 2/26 4 PM Deborah Winger / Eric Clapton (1989-'90) Reagan vs. the census=
,
Wayne's World, Urban Toonces, Mr. Subliminal, Calamity Jane in Therapy;  6 =
PM
Tom Hanks / Sade (1985-'86) Entertainment Tonight, Trojans, Tommy Flanagan,=

The Pat Stevens Show, Dennis Miller's Sports Fantasy;  8 PM A Tribute to
Chris Farley.
Su 2/27 10 AM, 4 PM, & 3 AM Chris Farley / Mighty Mighty Bosstones + Mike
Ditka (1997-'98) Yum Bubble Genital Herpes Gum, Morning Latte, Mary Katheri=
ne
Gallagher, Martha Stewart's Halloween, Matt Foley, Goth Talk, Sally Jessy
Raphael;  11 AM & 3 PM Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox (1991-'92) Stand-Up & =

Win, Operaman, EBS Test, Elijah the Prophet, Lank Thompson, I'm Chillin';  =
  2
PM Michael Jordan  /  Public Enemy (1991-'92)  Wayne's World, The Dark Side=
  w
/ Nat X, Globetrotters; 5 PM & 2 AM A Tribute to Chris Farley.


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Th 2/24 2 PM Charity (1/31/96)
     HBO Comedy
Tu 2/22 7:30 PM Childhood (2/24/97), 9:30 PM Religion (2/15/98)
We 2/23 7:45 AM Money (4/02/97), 7:30 PM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98)
Th 2/24 7:30 PM Culture (3/01/98)
Fr 2/25 7:30 PM Sports (3/08/98)
     HBO Signature
Tu 2/22 2:45 PM  Royalty (2/14/96)

TRACEY ULLMAN: A CLASS ACT, (HBO Comedy)
Th 2/24 11 AM


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 2/21 10:30 PM & Sa 2/26 1:30 AM Eating - It's a recipe for disorder when=

The UCB tackles society's food issues.


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Feb. 14-20, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------

The Little Picture
by Aaron Barnhart

Really new media is spelled dot-org

Last week, the Washington Post's Jonathan Yardley
bemoaned the emerging media climate as only an old
book editor could.  ``Three decades ago there was
not a single reporter in the country, outside the
journalistic trade magazines, who covered the
press full time,'' Mr. Yardley wrote. Today, of
course, the hive is crawling with media gossip,
media watchdogs and, at papers like the Post,
media critics.

``Can people who do not work in the media find us as
fascinating as we find ourselves?'' asked Mr. Yardley.
``It is impossible to believe they do.''

Mr. Yardley is missing the point. Media criticism
isn't just a cottage industry for journos to navel-gaze;
it's a growing recognition by everyone that the fourth
estate has enormous impact on everybody, and that it
ought to be scrutinized as carefully as local government
is observed by a daily paper (or as our federal
government is by the Post).

And in light of the ongoing concentration of media power,
media criticism is about the only useful weapon the public
has to keep Big Media in check.

Nowhere is this need greater than on the Internet, which
is why I'm thrilled to see The Media Channel
(www.mediachannel.org), a new web portal that launched
Feb. 3. The Media Channel -- proudly dot-org, not dot-com
-- is the brainchild of Danny Schechter and Rory O'Connor
of Globalvision, a hard-charging documentary company in
New York best known for producing the PBS series ``South
Africa Today'' and ``Rights and Wrongs'' (with Charlayne
Hunter-Gault).

The Media Channel's premise is a simple one: Give consumers
from around the world the most complete collection of
reports, surveys and commentary on how the media does its
job.

``Increasingly, to be an informed citizen requires a knowledge
of the workings of the media world,'' Mr. Schechter wrote in
an introduction to the site. ``People once relied on the media
to learn about the state of the world; today we realize how
important it is to learn about the state of the media.''

Already The Media Channel has the backing of one prominent
ex-newsman. Walter Cronkite taped a four-minute video endorsement
(available at Mediachannel.org) and agreed to serve as an advisor
to the site. According to Mr. O'Connor, what caught Uncle
Walter's eye was the ``Whistleblower'' section where media
professionals can drop a dime on companies that abuse their
public trust through shoddy journalistic or business practices.
Last week The Media Channel posted an article from a British
producer who was upset at the belt-tightening measures at Channel
Four.

Mr. O'Connor calls the site an ``aggregator,''  meaning it
not only links to news stories, as a number of other sites
do (notably Jim Romenesko's Media News site at www.poynter.org),
but it creates a search engine from a network of hundreds
of voluntary ``partners'' around the world. This gives readers
potentially millions of articles available for searching and
downloading at no cost.

So far the Media Channel has signed up more than 300 partners.
Many are politically progressive, but there is also a great
deal of international coverage simply not found on mainstream
U.S. sites. There are also a number of smaller sites who've
lent their archives to the Media Channel (including my own
site, TV Barn).

Each day the Media Channel's editors pull together media
criticism from around the world. A typical day's headlines
will include reviews of Campaign 2000 coverage in the U.S.,
ongoing coverage of a journalist's harassment in China,
Mexican complaints about the way they're portrayed in the U.S.
press, and controversy over an Iranian political cartoonist.

It's a rich stew, admittedly not for everyone. But Mr. O'Connor
feels that The Media Channel has a wider pool of readers than
most U.S.-based sites, because he can draw from the entire
English-speaking world. He also thinks that many savvy media
consumers share the site's philosophy of ``what is news.''

``News to me is something you don't know about until you hear
it,'' says O'Connor. ``But on the Internet, news is stuff you
already know about. It's customized news. `Just give me my sports
scores and the stock ticker. Don't give me anything else --
it's too depressing.' That's a fundamental difference.''

The Media Channel has an uphill battle if it's going to be as
widely recognized as the Big Media sites it critiques. (Just
getting people not to go to mediachannel-dot-com -- an
unrelated video-streaming site -- will be struggle enough.)
But Mr. O'Connor believes the way in which news is presented
on the Internet will largely determine the future of journalism,
so it's a battle worth fighting.

``I go to these new media panels, and everybody there is
only talking about *content*. But nobody ever talks about
*journalism,*'' he says. ``The major conglomerates are very
rapidly attempting to brand the Internet. Every time I turn
on the TV set the last thing I hear is `go to ABCNews.com'
or CBS.com. These guys are incessantly driving traffic to the
Internet. And given that there's such a plethora of choices,
I can understand why. I go into the supermarket and I usually
get paralyzed by all the choices.

``So just like AOL Time Warner is synergizing what they do,
there's a nascent movement in the nonprofit sector to do
the same.''

Best of luck, guys.

***

For all the details on Dave Letterman's return -- and the guest
hosts, and the second week of "Late Show Backstage" -- check out
the TV Barn Web site.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 February 14: in 1994, "The Late Show with David Letterman"
	 learns the easy way to get your best ratings ever --
	 interview Hillary Rodham Clinton. Dave's mom Dorothy
	 does the honors, asking the First Lady if her husband
	 can do anything about the speed limit in Connecticut.

	 February 15: in 1987, ABC asks "What if the Soviets had
	 won the Cold War?" The answer? "AMERIKA," a futuristic
	 miniseries set in 1997, where Kris Kristofferson and
	 Robert Urich act tough for a heavy handed
	 fourteen-and-a-half hours. And in 1994, Aaron Barnhart
	 begins his weekly Late Show News, a weekly electronic
	 sheet which will bring him some fame and ... well, isn't
	 that compensation enough?

	 February 16: in 1995, TV legend Alan Brady returns to
	 TV, playing himself on "Mad About You," helping
	 filmmaker Paul Buckman with a docmentary on the history
	 of television. Some viewers claim Brady bears a strong
	 resemblance to actor Carl Reiner, star of "The Dick Van
	 Dyke Show."

	 February 17: in 1994, society ends as we know it when
	 Enrique Jos Martn Morales (aka Ricky Martin) joins the
	 pantheon of singing shirtless lunks in the cast of that
	 awful moral sewer known as "General Hospital" in the
	 role of bartender Miguel Morez.

	 February 18: in 1990, David Banner slash "The Creature"
	 falls to the ground lifeless, ending the TV movie, "The
	 Death of the Incredible Hulk." Plans were actually afoot
	 for a rebirth/revenge Of The Hulk sequel, but they were
	 scrapped in light of Bill Bixby's mounting health
	 problems.

	 February 19: in 1987, Yul Brynner encourages people to
	 kick the habit in a controversial, anti-smoking public
	 service announcement.  Brenner should know the
	 consequences of lung cancer -- he's dead when the spots
	 begin airing.

	 February 20: in 1968, Peter Falk dons the rumpled
	 raincoat as Lt. (Frank) Columbo in "Prescription:
	 Murder," a TV adaptation of William Link and Richard
	 Levinson's stage play. It's not Columbo's first TV
	 appearance, though, as Bert Freed played the character
	 in "Enough Rope," an episode of  "The Chevy Mystery
	 Theatre."

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh and MacNeil. Visit
	 Tom Heald's Test Patterns website at
	 <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns> before it gets
	 hacked.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS

Tu 2/15: Late Show Backstage with David Brenner, Kathie Lee Gifford, Alec
Baldwin
We 2/16: Late Show Backstage with Tom Snyder, Norm Macdonald, Don Rickles
Th 2/17: Late Show Backstage with Tom Arnold, Robin Williams, "Jungle" Jack
Hanna
Fr 2/18: Late Show Backstage with Tom Snyder, Mike Myers

Mo 2/21: Dave is back! with Regis Philbin
Tu 2/22: Guest host Bill Cosby
We 2/23: Dave is back! with Julia Roberts
Th 2/24: Guest host Regis Philbin



THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC

Tu 2/15: Judge Judy Sheindlin, Giovanni Ribisi, Melissa Etheridge
We 2/16: Meg Ryan, sumo wrestler Emmanuel Yarbrough, Little Richard
Th 2/17: Kurt Warner, Dixie Chicks
Fr 2/18: Kevin Spacey, A3

Mo 2/21: Howard Stern, Tobey Maguire
Tu 2/22: Richard Simmons
We 2/23: Ben Affleck, Mitch Fatal
Th 2/24: Michael Douglas, Santana
Fr 2/25: Rodney Dangerfield, mad scientist David Willey, Macy Gray



LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS

Tu 2/15: Kevin James, Rachel Leigh Cook
We 2/16: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Th 2/17: Little Richard, Kelli Williams, Diana Krall
Fr 2/18: Clarence Williams III

Mo 2/21: Andy Kindler
Tu 2/22: Dennis Farina, Charisma Carpenter, Tony Bennett
We 2/23: Sports Illustrated swimsuit model
Th 2/24: Ben Affleck
Fr 2/25: Sports Illustrated swimsuit covergirl, Warren Zevon



LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC

Tu 2/15: Matthew Perry, Charlize Theron, Tony Robbins
We 2/16: Ed McMahon
Th 2/17: Matthew Modine, Beck
Fr 2/18: John Lithgow, Ana Gasteyer, Aimee Mann

Mo 2/21: David Spade, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rage Against the Machine (R
11/11/99)
Tu 2/22: Gary Sinise, Eric McCormack
We 2/23: Kevin Pollak, Alex Kingston
Th 2/24: Dan Castellaneta, Howie Mandel
Fr 2/25: John Stamos, Slipknot

Mo 2/28: Rerun TBA
Tu 2/29: The Cure



LATER, NBC

Tu 2/15: Angie Stone; host Cynthia Garrett
We 2/16: Michael Michele; host Cynthia Garrett
Th 2/17: Charlotte Church; host Cynthia Garrett



THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative

Tu 2/15: New Yorker Magazine 75th anniversary special



POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC

Tu 2/15: Pauly Shore, Rachael Leigh Cook, Gena Lee Nolin, bell hooks
We 2/16: Melissa Rivers, Sari Locker, Natasha Henstridge
Th 2/17: Kristen Johnston, Alyson Hannigan, John Gray
Fr 2/18: Bill Horn, Elizabeth Birch, the Rev. Lou Sheldon

Mo 2/21: Joe Queenan, Marlee Matlin, Ray Benson, Sheila Moloney
Tu 2/22: Mike Green, Mary J. Blige
We 2/23: Helen Gurley Brown, Floyd Brown
Th 2/24: French Stewart
Fr 2/25: Dennis Miller



THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central

Tu 2/15: Dennis Farina
We 2/16: Matthew Perry
Th 2/17: Ed McMahon

Mo 2/21: Rerun TBA
Tu 2/22: Snoop Dogg
We 2/23: Charlize Theron
Th 2/24: Neil Patrick Harris


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 2/20  1:15 AM Taye Diggs / The Roots
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Mo 2/14 Reverend Al Sharpton, Mary J. Blige (11/21/97)
Tu 2/15 George Carlin, musical guest Usher (11/28/97)
We 2/16 Don King / Dr. Dre
Th 2/17 Taye Diggs / The Roots
Fr 2/18 Hammer  / Q-Tip

DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 2/18 Martin Short on "Lousy jobs."
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 2/14 Pete Rose on Victimless Crimes (11/11/94)
Tu 2/15 Jerry Seinfeld on Inefficiency (11/25/94)
We 2/16 Garry Shandling on Schadenfreud (12/02/94)
Th 2/17 Henry Rollins on Angry People (12/09/94)
Fr 2/18 Martina Navratilova on Homosexuality (12/16/94)
Mo 2/21 Bob Costas on Pro Sports Strikes (12/23/94)

THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at )
Mo 2/14 "Party" Martin Mull (11/17/92)
Tu 2/15 "The Warmth Episode" Richard Simmons, Pamela Sue Martin (11/24/92)
We 2/16 "A Brush With the Elbow of Greatness" (11/31/92)
Th 2/17 "Hey Now" Earl Holliman, Bob Saget (11/7/92)
Fr 2/18 "The Breakdown Kathy Ireland, Los Lobos, Helen Hunt, Dana Delany,
Teri Garr, Susan Anton (6/2/93)
     HBO Plus (2 episodes Weekly at 10 & 10:30 PM)
We 2/16 "The New Producer" (9/12/92) Robert Morton, Jeff Cesario, Ian
Buchanan (9/12/92), "The Flirt Episode" Mimi Rogers , Michael Richards
(9/19/92)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 2/19 Tyra Banks, Seth Green , Earth, Wind And Fire / "Bunifa vs. Katisha,"
"Brightling Greetings," "Dolomite Returns"
Sa 2/26 George Carlin on  The Reading Caboose" / The Cure --

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 2/14 "Peanut Butter, Eggs & Dice" - Very Special Episode, David Reveeals
He's Bald, Ratings Man, Song/Map, Santa's Workshop, Tatiana, Cock Ring
Warehouse, Marriage Announcement, Fuzz - The Musical, Terry Gets Award/Fly By
Awards, The Dewey Awards, Bob Lamonta, Handing Out Awards
Tu 2/15 Midnight "Oh, You Men" - Banana/Mayor Of Television, Ventriloquists,
People Watching/TV Guide, The Hanged Man, Delongpre Dannon, Sticky Pads. Lie
Detector, Television TV, Time Caplet, Draggachusettes, LoseThe Lost Episode,
Guard Throws Tape/Monkey
We 2/16 "Flat-Top Tony and The Purple Canoes" Womyn's Solidarity Collective,
Black & White Film (Hard Day's Night), VTV (Smoosh, Norma Jean Monster)
Break-Thru Weekend, Young People & Companions, Bloopers, Fashion Forecast,
Fashion Documentary, Constant Chum High, Indomitable Spirit, Apocalypse
Drill, Smoosh On Moon
Th 2/17 "Please Don't Kill Me" - Swearing Jar, TV Ministry, Swearing
Preacher, Rolling In It/Ferarri, Landlords, Victor & Dylan, Fad Three Hunger
Strike, Mayostard/Mustardayonnaise, Evil Genius Telethon
Fr 2/18 12:15 AM "Goin' on A Holiday" - Elderly, Age War, "Bills, Bills
Bills!" Our Secret Love, Marriage Photo, Photo Shop, Blowing Up The Mon,
Spunk, Don Pratt, SMC/Streakers, Goin' on A Holiday


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 2/14 Bette MacDonald of the Bette Show on CBC,  David Bronstein - "The
Prince of Love," and musical guest Sweener
Tu 2/15 James Petersen Editor of the book "Playboy's Century of Sex," comic
Brad Trackman, and musical guest McMaster and James
We 2/16 Lou Bega
Th 2/17 Kim Cattrall of Sex in the City, and musical guest
Fr 2/18 Eddie Izzard, Merwin Mondesir of the new CBC Hip Hop drama "Drop The
Beat," and musical guest The Northern Pikes


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 1)
Mo 2/14 9 AM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 2/14 1 PM & Midnight Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger / UB40 + Billy & Steve
Baldwin (1993-'94) Family Feud, Canteen Boy, Pyramid Of Painloss, Hyperactive
Phillip, Tiny Elvis;  6 PM Brendan Fraser / Bjork (1997-'98) Xena, The
Delicious Dish, Go-Lords!, Collette Reardon's medication, Harry Caray,
Courtney Love's Biography, Mango, Shark Channel "The Golords", "Issues",
"Monday Night
Tu 2/15 1 PM & Midnight Martin Lawrence / Crash Test Dummies (1993-'94)Jeff
Gillooly, Daily Affirmation, Hollywood Minute, Thugs;  6 PM Garth Brooks +
Robert Duvall (1997-'98) Mango, Oprah, Fun With Real Audio- David Brenner,
Old French Whore!, Cinder Calhoun, Who's More Grizzled?!, Goat Boy
We 2/16 1 PM & Midnight Helen Hunt / Snoop Doggy Dog + Cindy Crawford
(1993-'94) Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater, Total Bastard Airlines, Coffee
Talk, Bennett Brauer, Profiles in Cowardice, Mike Judge's "Milton" in "Office
Space" part 2, Rob Schneider's Girlfriend Theater;  6 PM Scott Wolf / Natalie
Imbruglia (1997-'98) Mary Katherine Gallagher, Celine Dion Show, Spartan
Spirits
Th 2/17 1 PM & Midnight Kelsey Grammer/ Dwight Yoakam + Sy Sperling + Manute
Bol (1993-'94) Inhibited Dance Party USA, Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt,
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Captain Jim & Pedro, Something Smells Good in
Stinkville;  6 PM Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind (1997-'98) Alice In
Wonderland, Morning Latte, Goth Talk, Smigletoon : Titey, Judge Judy, I Took
A Gay Guy To Prom, Truck Drivin' Museum
Fr 2/18 1 PM Emilio Esteves / Pearl Jam (1993-'94) Michael Fay, Geek, Dweeb,
or Spazz, The Whitewater Folder, Operaman, How Much Ya Bench?, The Herlihy
Boy;  6 PM Matthew Broderick / Natalie Merchant & Tenacious D + Regis Philbin
(1996-'97) Ladies' Man, The View, Pretty Living, Celine Dion, Tony Blair; 8
PM Jeff Goldblum / Aerosmith + Laura Dern (1993-'94) Nerf Crotchbats,
Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends, Mike Judge's Milton in "Office Space";
9 PM Martin Short / No Doubt (1996-97) Celebrity Jeopardy!, Martha Stewart's
topless Christmas, Ed Grimley, Roxbury Guys, Barbara Walters interviews
Jackie Rogers, Jr., Larry Azaria's Mostly Used Mattresses, Mickey The Dyke;
10 PM Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell (1997-'98) Oprah &
Marv Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita Delvecchio, Car Crash
victims who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet Reno, Fun With Real
Audio : Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun;  11 PM Patrick Stewart/ Salt -N- Pepa
(1993-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures, Scottish Therapist,  sexy bathroom
cakes, Love Boat : The Next Generation, Cosby Mysteries, Show & Tell with
Joycelyn Elders, It's Not Their Fault
Sa 2/19 4 PM Chris Evert / Eurythmics (1989-'90) Colon Blow & Super Colon
Blow, Bush & the Berlin Wall, Bette Davis' will, Evert vs. Martina
Navratilova, Lothar Of The Hill People, Lyle The Effeminate Heterosexual;  6
PM John Goodman / k.d. lang (1989-'90) It's A Wonderful Congressional
Hearing, Wayne's World, Toonces, The Referee Pitman Show, Anal-Retentive Chef
Su 2/20 10 AM Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones (1989-'90) Jackie Mason, Honey,
I Shrunk Hans & Franz, Prison Break, Yard-a-pult, Word Busters


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Fr 2/18 2:30 PM Charity (1/31/96)
Su 2/20 2:30 PM Charity (1/31/96)
     HBO Comedy
Mo 2/14 7:30 PM Politics (4/23/97)
Tu 2/15 11:45 AM Movies (3/26/97), 7:30 PM Music (4/30/97)
We 2/16 7:30 PM Marriage (1/04/98)
Th 2/17 9:30 AM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98), 7:30 PM Hollywood (1/11/98)
Fr 2/18 8:30 AM Smoking (1/18/98), 7:30 PM Smoking (1/18/98)
Sa 2/19 8:30 AM Loss (1/25/98), 7:30 PM Loss (1/25/98)
Su 2/20 7:30 PM Agents (2/01/98), 7:30 PM Age (2/08/98)
     HBO Signature
Mo 2/14 6:30 PM  Royalty (2/14/96)

TRACEY ULLMAN: A CLASS ACT, (HBO Comedy)
Fr 2/18  2:30 PM


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 2/14 10:30 PM & Sa 2/19 1:30 AM The UCB disrupts happy couples - because
they're annoying.
Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Feb. 7-13, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Since they've taken "Early Edition" off CBS -- like you
noticed -- I thought I'd make up for it with an early
edition of my own, going out just minutes after "Late
Show with David Letterman" exec producer Rob Burnett
held a conference call with reporters.

No bombs were figuratively dropped during the press
call, which was arranged to outline next week's rerun
schedule, about which more in a moment. First, the
latest on Dave:

"I think he walked like three miles yesterday," said
Burnett. "He's feeling terrific." Letterman, as you may
have read, showed up at the Ed Sullivan Theater offices
on Monday -- but he's not back into the grind quite yet.
Burnett said he took off for a quick vacation and won't
return until the middle of next week.

You may have also read (in Lisa de Moraes' column in the
Washington Post and elsewhere) that Dave could be back
doing shows as soon as Feb. 14. Burnett: "The 14th we're
not ruling out, but it has been overstated. ... We have
been canceling weeks of shows as we come to them. So
we've cancelled the week of the 7th. We've not
cancelled the week of the 14th. But that doesn't mean
there's a schedule for Dave to come back on the 14th."

And when will that decision be made? "We just don't know
yet," Burnett said. "I'm kind of making this up but
probably by Monday."

Isn't Burnett surprised that he's even thinking about
such a quick return for Dave? "Extremely surprised. I
think as people are throwing around the 14th, they're
losing sight of the fact that that would be a superhuman
recovery. I mean, to come off the operating table and
four weeks later be hosting a show -- I've not heard of
anything like that before. To even be in the office two
weeks later is a remarkable testament. ... I've been
surprised every step of the way, even the way he sounded
a couple of days after the surgery. Everything I've seen
is consistent with a very quick recovery."

Now about those repeats. Next week, "Late Show" will
become "Late Show Backstage," with newly-taped segments
in which some of Dave's favorite guests interview other
favorite guests about memorable segments that previously
appeared on the show, intercut with the repeats of those
appearances.

On Monday, Charles Grodin interviews Julia Roberts and
Regis Philbin. Undoubtedly Grodin will ask Roberts
whether she and Dave ever did go out on a date, or even
entertain the notion. On Tuesday, it's Philbin's turn to
interview other guests, as he panels with Jerry Seinfeld
and Danny DeVito. Wednesday, Paul Shaffer, who's in Los
Angeles, will interview Bruce Willis and possibly
Richard Simmons. Thursday, it's Regis interviewing Bill
Cosby -- here's hoping they review that broadcast where
Cos, Letterman and Tito Puente climbed a ladder up to
the balcony -- and perhaps a segment with Sarah Jessica
Parker. Then it's back to L.A. on Friday for Paul and
Steve Martin discussing one of Martin's famously
well-prepared bits.

"Late Show Backstage" was arranged in record time, said
Burnett. "We booked this in about four hours. All of
them immediately said, 'Yes. I'd love to do this.'" (Tom
Hanks was also contacted, but he's doing a movie right
now and wouldn't be able to fit in an appearance. He
could be available, however, soon after Dave returns to
hosting.)

In the q-and-a that followed, our pal Joel Brown made a
solid point. He thought the format for "Late Show
Backstage" opened itself up for some less-than-
entertaining chatter between celebrities about what a
great time they had on Dave's show. Viewers normally
tune in to "Late Show" for snarkier repartee than that.

"You raise a point we've been grappling with the last 48
hours," Burnett said. "Talking with Dave about this, our
conversation was, 'Well, this sounds like a pretty cool
idea.' But our intention is not that it turn into a
lovefest or an homage. So the direction we're going to
push people in is to make fun of Dave and make fun of
their own appearances. ... We hope this will be funny,
we hope it will be interesting. We have some pretty
funny people in this lineup: Jerry Seinfeld, Bruce
Willis, Steve Martin. Actually, Julia Roberts is pretty
funny too."

We hear Johnny Carson can make people chuckle, too.

Well, said Burnett, with all due respect to the very
talented people who've agreed to do the special
segments, "It feels a little bit like we're squandering
a resource if we called Johnny and asked him to do this
kind of thing next week." Besides, he added, "Johnny
Carson has made it pretty clear to people that he's done
with television."

As for the possibility of guest hosts, the "Late Show"
is now on the record as being officially agnostic about
them:

"We don't oppose them at all," said Burnett. "It could
be the week of the 14th we actually go to guest hosts.
It's just that we've never had a guest host and all the
decisions we've ever made about the show were about what
is best for it creatively. We've never developed a plan
for guests. It's easy to say, 'Oh, let's have guest
hosts,' but it raises a thousand questions. Not that
they can't be answered but we'd have to address them ...

"It was very difficult for me the Monday after Dave got
back from quintuple-bypass surgery to ask him about
guest hosts and as you know, everything we do here goes
through Dave. Even what to wear. Now we've gotten to the
point with Dave's recovery where we can have this
discussion -- and we have. Dave is absolutely not
opposed to guest hosts. ...

"When Johnny did (guest hosts), it was done in a very
orderly fashion. It's a big decision for us and we don't
want to rush into it. Do we do Top Tens with the guest
host? What kind of guests do we book? These are
questions Dave and I are starting to address. If Dave is
out a long time we'll plan for guest hosts. But if he's
coming back the 14th or 21st ..."

Well, is he or isn't he? And if so, who would decide and
what timetable would be followed?

"I think it's possible that Dave would come back fully.
I think it's an excellent possibility that he would come
back and do a couple of shows the first week, a couple
of shows the next week ... He wants to return *now*.
He's eager to come back.  But he's taking his lead from
his doctors ... He's telling me that if he had a regular
job he'd already be back at work." (Burnett later
clarified this to mean "a desk job.")

Bill Carter asked: Is there network pressure to do
something exciting every night during the February
sweep? Burnett: "I have to give credit to CBS. We've
been partners with them seven years. Their hearts seem
in the right place on this one. They care about Dave and
what's best for him."

Any last words from the boss before he went on vacation?

"I told Dave that I'd turned the theater into a Mexican
restaurant," said Burnett. "And he paused for a moment
and then he said, 'Well, just make sure the fajitas
sizzle.'"

***

Now here's what I wrote the night before and posted to
the TV Barn Web site: "As for that report that David
Letterman could be back on the air by Feb. 14: I'll
believe it when I see it. The Washington Post made much
to-do of the fact that Letterman appeared at his offices
in the Ed Sullivan Theater building this week. Yeah,
well, Sean Elliott showed up for practice with the San
Antonio Spurs with his newly-transplanted kidney -- and
got winded after 15 minutes of practice. Don't be so
quick to assume even a workaholic like Dave will be so
eager to get back on the hamster wheel of nightly TV. On
the other hand, this might be a good excuse for him to
finally start taking Mondays off again."

***

Look for TOM HEALD'S TEST PATTERNS at the TV Barn Web
site next week.

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Fr 2/4 Drew Barrymore, Rudolph Giuliani, Al Franken, Placido Domingo (R 4/12/95)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Fr 2/4 Sandra Bullock, Montell Jordan, LL Cool J, 4-year-old Mensa member Priya
     Purewal

Mo 2/7 Lisa Kudrow, child magicians
Tu 2/8 Martin Short
We 2/9 Matthew Perry, Sumo wrestler Emanuel Yarborough, Counting Crows
Th 2/10 Jimmy Smits, mad scientist David Willey
Fr 2/11 Smash Mouth

Mo 2/14 Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, Little Richard
Tu 2/15 Dixie Chicks
We 2/16 Meg Ryan


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Th 2/3 The Shaolin Monks
Fr 2/4 Daisy Fuentes, Doyle Bramhall, Wendy and Lisa

Mo 2/7 Amy Brenneman, Doug Benson, Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman
Tu 2/8 Kevin Garnett, Paul Shaffer, comic Judy Gold
We 2/9 Scott Foley
Th 2/10 Adam Arkin
Fr 2/11 David Arquette, celebrity dentist Dr. Larry Rosenthal, Tonic

Mo 2/14 Melissa Joan Hart, comic Todd Glass
Tu 2/15 TBA
We 2/16 Ray Romano


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
We 2/2 David Arquette, S. Epatha Merkerson, Little Steven
Fr 2/4 Mary Tyler Moore, Virginie Ledoyen, Jack Ingram/Beat Up Ford Band

Mo 2/7 Heather Locklear, Randy Quaid, Dave Grohl (R 11/5/99)
Tu 2/8 Jenny McCarthy
We 2/9 Kareem Abdul Jabaar, Asleep at the Wheel, animal expert Jarod Miller
Th 2/10 Suzanne Somers, Julianna Margulies
Fr 2/11 Julia Sweeney, Macy Gray

Mo 2/14 Rerun TBA
Tu 2/15 Matthew Perry, Charlize Theron, Tony Robbins
We 2/16 Ed McMahon
Th 2/17 Beck
Fr 2/18 Aimee Mann


LATER, NBC
Mo 2/7-Th 2/10 Host Cynthia Garrett w/guests TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Fr 2/4 Author Richard Ostling, Alberto Alessi, Designer Frank Nuovo


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Fr 2/4 Larry Flynt, Edwin McCain, Charmaine Yoest, Steve Hytner

Mo 2/7 D.L. Hughley, Donny Osmond, Melanie Morgan, Richard Belzer
Tu 2/8 Jerry Newcombe
We 2/9 John Fugelsang, David Duke
Th 2/10 Tony Robbins, Little Richard, Angela McGlowan
Fr 2/11 Leif Garrett, Gilbert Gottfried, Russell Simmons

Mo 2/14 Kelli Williams, Sherilyn Fenn, Susan Forward
Tu 2/15 Rachael Leigh Cook, Gena Lee Nolin, bell hooks
We 2/16 Pauly Shore, Melissa Rivers, Sari Locker


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 2/7 Michael Stipe (R)
Tu 2/8 Selma Blair (R)
We 2/9 David Arquette (R)
Th 2/10 Frankie Muniz (R)

Mo 2/14 Moby
Tu 2/15 Dennis Farina
We 2/16 Matthew Perry
Th 2/17 Ed McMahon


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 2/6  11:45 PM Colin Quinn / JB Smoove
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Tu 2/1 Don King / Dr. Dre
We 2/2 Taye Diggs / The Roots
Th 2/3 Hammer  / Q-Tip
Fr 2/4 Cederic The Entertainer /


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 2/4 Hiatus week, Rebecca Romijn Stamos (r)
Mo 2/7 2:45 AM Rebecca Romijn Stamos
Tu 2/8 Midnight Rebecca Romijn Stamos
     HBO Plus
Su 2/6  Midnight Rebecca Romijn Stamos
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 1/31 Carrie Fisher on O.J. Trial (6/30/95)
Tu 2/1 Bill Bradley on Violence(4/22/94)
We 2/2 Jim Carrey on Fame (4/29/94)
Th 2/3 Bob Costas on Contemporary Sports (5/6/94)
Fr 2/4 Wendy Kaminer on Dysfunction (5/13/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBOSignature
Fr 2/4 "Guest Host" Anne-Marie Johnson, Dana Carvey (9/5/92)

Fittingly enough.


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 2/5 Tim Robbins / Carmen Electra urges viewers to bring funk back into
their lives and to "walk the funky walk and talk the dirty talk" with "Funky
Walker, Dirty Talker"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Fr 2/4 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some Rat
Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 2/7 Margret Sideroff, The Rockin' Highliners
Tu 2/8 Mag Ruffman, Montana Sky
We 2/9 Peter Kent, Marc Saltzman
Th 2/10 Deborah Gibson, Glengarry Boys
Fr 2/11 Lou Paget, Brian Costello


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 2/12 Alan Cumming, Jennifer Lopez
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Fr 2/4 1 PM John Malkovich / Billy Joel (1993-'94) Erik & Lyle Menendez,
Theatre Stories, McIntosh Post-it Notes;  6 PM Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction
(1997-'98) Fun With Real Audio- Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man,
news Tommy Flanagan, Late Show with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The
New York Times, The Robin Byrd Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!";  8 PM Nicole
Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots (1993-'94) Wayne's World, The Denise Show,
Hyperactive Phillip, Sprockets, Ross Perot;  9 PM Sarah Michelle Gellar /
Portishead (1997-'98) Unabomber, Spice Girls, Glenn Close, Mars & Venus, Tara
Lipinski Golords, Goth Talk, The Robin Byrd Show, Buffy/Seinfeld;  10 PM
Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel (1992-'93) Clinton's Indecent Proposal, Woody
Allen's fan club, "You Like-a Da juice"
Sa 2/5 8 AM Tom Hanks / Aerosmith (1989-'90) Donald vs. Ivana, Out-of-body
experience, Wayne's World, Tales of Ribaldry, Irish Drinking Songs,
Desensitized Losers, Red Square McDonald's;  9 AM Alec Baldwin / B-52s
(1989-'90) Bush on reefer, Greenhilly, Greta Garbo and James O'Brien, The
Nude Talk Show, Colon Blow, Middle-Aged Man;  4 PM Steve Martin / Eric
Clapton + Brian Austin Green + Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell
(1994-'95) Clinton auditions, Home Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron
Wood Show, Super Sports Tours;  6 PM Wayne Gretsky / Fine Young Cannibals
(1989-'90) Wayne's World, Anal-retentive Fishing, Waikiki Hockey


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Sa 2/5 4 PM Charity (1/31/96)
     HBO Comedy
Fr 2/4 7:30 PM Las Vegas (2/08/97)
Sa 2/5 7:30 PM Secrets (2/17/97)
Su 2/6 7:30 PM Childhood (2/24/97)

TRACEY ULLMAN: A CLASS ACT, (HBO Comedy)
Su 2/6 5:10 AM, 11:15 AM


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Sa 2/5 1:30 AM Hospital - The healthcare system gets overhauled when UCB
writes a perscription for chaos.
Mo 2/7 10:30 PM & Sa 2/12 1:30 AM Band - Chaos rules when the Upright
Citizens Brigade unplugs the music industry.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 31-Feb. 6, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


One of my very knowledgeable readers, David Carroll,
writes, "I agree with you 90-plus percent of the time,
but you've misfired on the Letterman guest-host issue. I
for one enjoyed the potpourri of Carson guest hosts.
Sure, there was the occasional misfire (Tony Danza,
Kenny Rogers and John Davidson were among the most
frequent examples), but by and large the 'system' worked
great for 30 years. Consider: Joey Bishop was a delight,
Jerry Lewis was a pleasant surprise, and where would
Letterman, Leno, Garry Shandling and Joan Rivers be
without their fill-in gigs?

"I fondly remember a couple of occasions when Carson was
out because of a bad back, a stiff neck or whatever, and
Steve Allen filled in on a moment's notice, and his 'ad
libbed' answers to audience questions (a comedy bit from
Allen's days atop the 'Tonight' show) was a riot!  Even
Burt Reynolds subbed one night and did a terrific job.
And if you look back to the medium's 'golden days,' the
great Gleason broke his leg in 1954, and for two months
Art Carney and various others filled in. For gosh sakes,
Carson himself got a big break filling in for Red
Skelton!

"So obviously the show can go on.  And while you make
many good arguments, here are some counterpoints: 1)
What about the dozens of acts (with current projects to
promote) who are being shut out?  2) What about the
dozens of guests (already booked) who are being shut
out? 3) Are his crew members being paid during his
recovery? [The answer to this is yes -- AB.]  4)  What
about viewers whose sole reason for tuning in is topical
humor?

"And 5) what about visitors who have held tickets for
tapings months in advance? Obviously a 'Late Show' with
no Letterman would be a disappointment, but would a
Seinfeld, Shandling or Crystal send them home unhappy?
Which brings me to my final point.  Most of the names
floated in your article are unrealistic, including
Carson, Paar and Allen.  Stern would turn it into a
circus.  Rosie and Regis are full enough, both time-wise
and ego-wise.  Other than the three I just named, a few
select lesser knowns could pull it off.  But the
networks shouldn't let Letterman's insecurities and
Leno's egocentric/workaholic tendencies keep them from
providing viewers fresh programming, and giving *someone
else* a chance to grow as a host -- just like SOMEONE
was kind enough to do for, gee, Leno and Letterman!"

John Carney writes, "I agree completely with your
thoughts on guest hosts, but I wonder if CBS ever
considered running -- say, as a one-week promotion --
Craig Kilborn's show in Dave's slot, and Dave's reruns
in Kilborn's slot. I can recall a few instances in the
old Johnny-and-Dave days at NBC when, on the night
Johnny Carson telecast his prime-time anniversary
special, Dave's show would be run during Johnny's normal
time slot, with some sort of repeat aired during Dave's
time slot.

"I realize that Kilborn is even more of an acquired
taste than Dave is, and so this wouldn't do as any sort
of long-term solution, but I think it would be an
interesting experiment -- and, of course, Dave owns both
shows.  I understand what you are saying about reruns of
good shows still being good entertainment, and I accept
that the ratings for the reruns have been good so far,
but there's an issue of perceived value if you go with
nothing but the reruns for six or eight weeks."

Longtime reader Mike the "L8nighter" writes, "I have
been a fan of Dave since he guest hosted for Carson. It
seems obvious to me that Dave would not want guest hosts
for his show, and if that would not be reason enough for
CBS, then they have learned nothing. To me the most
obvious reason why there can be no guest host, is that
whether the show is called 'Late Night' or 'Late Show,'
it has always been the DAVID LETTERMAN show.  The whole
show is formed around Dave's skill, wit and personality.
  (That is why they made few changes at CBS.)  And there
is no one else who can do that show.  If CBS needed a
replacement, they would be better off creating a whole
new talk show (and we know how impossible that is for
CBS). Leno is the host of the 'Tonight' show, and I feel
he has not done a lot to make it 'his.' It seems to me
he tries to be more like Johnny and Dave, but while he
is a funny comedian, he has fallen short.  Dave created
a program, that is of his mind and talent. I have
worried that when he retired the show would end, but I
always concluded that this would also be for the best."

Thomas DeNucci writes, "It seems to me it would be
insane to have a guest host for one simple reason:
Rupert Murdoch. If Seinfeld, for example, comes on and
guest-hosts, and does well, don't you think Murdoch will
open his checkbook to get a piece of that late night
cash? Plus, he could deliver the 11 p.m. time slot." It
would also be sweet payback to the CBS affiliates that
made so much money 10 years ago off a syndicated
late-night star who had flown Murdoch's coop: Arsenio
Hall ...

Apropos of which, David Horton writes, "The networks
should work with their cable outlets (MSNBC, A&E, TNN)
to develop more talent in the talk show format.  Talk is
such a cash cow and, as we've learned with Dave's recent
illness, these current hosts aren't spring chickens.
Sure, they've got batters on deck, but what about in the
hole?  I'd love more yackity-yack comedy and if it's on
cable, need it do much better than crappy movie reruns?"

This raises a very good point. Some of you may have seen
recent broadcasts of NBC's "Later" with guest host and
VH1 personality Cynthia Garrett. She's just been signed
to a multi-week hosting deal for "Later"
(Mondays-Thursdays, 1:35-2:05 a.m.) and will appear for
a minimum of 13 weeks. "The show attracted its largest
audience in nine months in the key adult 18-49
demographic," said NBC in the press release announcing
the deal.  The PR continues, "Garrett is a single
mother, has a law degree and is fluent in Italian." And
she's black, which is nice to see amidst the man's world
of late night ...

And finally Tom Whalen writes, "I agree with everything
you say.  But if CBS can somehow lure Sandra Bernhard on
as the guest host, I feel they would be insane not to."

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 January 31: in 1958, "Jackpot Bowling" premieres on NBC
	 with Leo Durocher as host. By September 1960, Durocher
	 will be replaced by Chick Hearn and Milton Berle, still
	 trying to work off his 30-year contract with the
	 network.

	 February 1: in 1965, twenty-six-year-old punk Peter
	 Jennings is handed the keys to the anchor desk at "ABC's
	 Evening News." His test drive lasts three years, but
	 he'll be lured back by a slick salesman to take it off
	 the lot again in 1983.

	 February 2: in 1984, following the death of actor
	 Michael Conrad in November 1983, "Hill Street Blues"
	 deals with the passing of his character, Sgt. Phil
	 Freemason Esterhaus. As the morning roll call ends,
	 Captain Furillo announces Esterhaus has died of a heart
	 attack at age 55 (while making love). Also on tonight's
	 episode, "Grace Under Pressure," Officer Coffey's
	 girlfriend, played by guest star Linda Hamilton, is
	 raped at a donut shop.

	 February 3: in 1976, CBS unveils its gritty new drama
	 "City Of Angels," but instead of an all-black cast at a
	 modern-day hospital in L.A., this one features private
	 dick Jake Axminster casing the city for an honest buck
	 in the gin joints and dives of '30s La-La-Land. Who is
	 the brash sex symbol starring in this "Chinatown"
	 ripoff? Wayne Rogers, who's left "M*A*S*H" for this.
	 Elaine Joyce lends Axminster a hand as his secretary
	 Marsha.

	 February 4: in 1979, society ends as we know it with the
	 series debut of that awful moral sewer known as "Co-Ed
	 Fever," the last of three "Animal House"-based sitcoms
	 to debut in early 1979. David Keith stars in CBS's
	 entry, a show so vile it's immediately cancelled. NBC's
	 "Brothers and Sisters" with Chris Lemmon gets pulled
	 after two and a half months, and ABC's "official"
	 spinoff, "Delta House," starring Josh Mostel as
	 "Blotto," makes it all the way to the end of April.

	 February 5: in 1967, having failed in the sitcom format,
	 Tom and Dick Smothers give TV a second shot with "The
	 Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." CBS hopes to use the
	 brothers' "sibling revelry" to syphon off the under-30
	 crowd from timeslot competitor "Bonanza." By the end of
	 its first season, the audience defection has knocked the
	 Cartwright Brothers from first place to sixth. You can
	 find some of their Dick and Tom's censored bits from the
	 show at <http://www.aentv.com/home/smobro>.

	 February 6: in 1972, half a million angry letters arrive
	 in the CBS mailroom when fundamentalists demand that CBS
	 drop its plans to run an edited version of an X-rated
	 flick, "The Demand."

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh and MacNeil, but
	 not Lehrer. Visit Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS website at
	 <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns> to help prevent
	 forest fires.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 1/31: Bill Murray, Billy Joel, Paul Newman (R 8/30/93)

Yep, it's the very first "Late Show." The rest of the week will be
determined by viewers, so hurry and get your vote cast at CBS.com.
Sue also notes that you can see her in the audience when Letterman
and Murray run into the crowd. Yep, she had a ticket ...

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 1/31: Kim Delaney, Frankie Muniz, Sixpence None the Richer
Tu 2/1: Reese Witherspoon, James Carville, Bob Schneider
We 2/2: Kelsey Grammer, Amy Brenneman
Th 2/3: Courteney Cox Arquette, Tina Turner, animal expert Brady Barr
Fr 2/4: Sandra Bullock, Montel Jordan, LL Cool J

Mo 2/7: Lisa Kudrow, child magicians
Tu 2/8: Martin Short
We 2/9: Matthew Perry, Sumo wrestler Emanuel Yarborough, Counting Crows
Th 2/10: Jimmy Smits, mad scientist David Willey
Fr 2/11: Smash Mouth


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 1/31: Judd Nelson, Tina Green
Tu 2/1: Marilu Henner
We 2/2: Daisy Fuentes
Th 2/3: Butterbean
Fr 2/4: TBA

Mo 2/7: Amy Brenneman, Doug Benson
Tu 2/8: Luke Perry
We 2/9: Scott Foley


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 1/31: Al Franken, Lauren Holly, Cafe Tacuba (R 11/3/99)
Tu 2/1: Mike Richter, Mickey Hart
We 2/2: David Arquette, S. Epatha Merkerson
Th 2/3: Nathan Lane, Parker Posey, Live
Fr 2/4: David Feldman

Mo 2/7: Heather Locklear, Randy Quaid, Dave Grohl (R 11/5/99)
Tu 2/8: TBA
We 2/9: Animal expert Jarod Miller
Th 2/10: Suzanne Somers
Fr 2/11: Macy Gray


LATER, NBC
Mo 1/31: Michael Clarke Duncan
Tu 2/1: Reba McEntire
We 2/2: Christina Applegate
Th 2/3: Lenny Kravitz


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 1/31: Former Prime Minister of the Russian Federation Yegor Gaidar


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 1/31: Christopher Reid, Marion Ross, Bob Larson
Tu 2/1: Howie Mandel, John Spencer, Kellyanne Fitzpatrick
We 2/2: David Brenner, Trace Adkins, Monica Crowley, Valerie Harper
Th 2/3: Terry Farrell
Fr 2/4: Master P, Edwin McCain

Mo 2/7: D.L. Hughley


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 1/31: Rerun TBA
Tu 2/1: New show TBA
We 2/2: Hour-long Indecision 2000 Special


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HBO
Su 2/6  11:45 PM Colin Quinn / JB Smoove
     HBOZone (11 PM ET, nightly repeats)
Tu 2/1 Don King / Dr. Dre
We 2/2 Taye Diggs / The Roots
Th 2/3 Hammer  / Q-Tip
Fr 2/4 Cederic The Entertainer /


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 2/4 Hiatus week, Rebecca Romijn Stamos (r)
Mo 2/7 2:45 AM Rebecca Romijn Stamos
Tu 2/8 Midnight Rebecca Romijn Stamos
     HBO Plus
Su 2/6  Midnight Rebecca Romijn Stamos
     HBO Comedy (nightly reruns now on this channel)
Mo 1/31 Carrie Fisher on O.J. Trial (6/30/95)
Tu 2/1 Bill Bradley on Violence(4/22/94)
We 2/2 Jim Carrey on Fame (4/29/94)
Th 2/3 Bob Costas on Contemporary Sports (5/6/94)
Fr 2/4 Wendy Kaminer on Dysfunction (5/13/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW,
     HBOSignature
Mo 1/31 "The Flirt Episode" Mimi Rogers , Michael Richards (9/19/92)
     HBO Comedy (nightly, at )
Tu 2/1 "The Garden Weasel a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?)" (episode
1) Deborah May, Melanie Parrish, Robert Hays (8/15/92)
We 2/2 "The New Producer" (9/12/92) Robert Morton, Jeff Cesario, Ian Buchanan
(9/12/92)
Th 2/3 "The Spider Episode" Carol Burnett, Jon Lovitz (8/29/92)
Fr 2/4 "Guest Host" Anne-Marie Johnson, Dana Carvey (9/5/92)

MAD TV, FOX
Sa 2/5 Tim Robbins / Carmen Electra urges viewers to bring funk back into
their lives and to "walk the funky walk and talk the dirty talk" with "Funky
Walker, Dirty Talker"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (nightly at midnight)
Mo 1/31 "Oh, You Men" - Banana/Mayor Of Television, Ventriloquists, People
Watching/TV Guide, The Hanged Man, Delongpre Dannon, Sticky Pads. Lie
Detector, Television TV, Time Caplet, Draggachusettes, Lose: The Lost
Episode, Guard Throws Tape/Monkey
Tu 2/1  "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Porn Titles,
Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints, Borden Grote,
Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival
We 2/2 "Who Let You In" - Popemobile Chase, Nils' Guitar Shop, Imminent Death
Syndrome, Trial of the Millennium, Spank, Founding Fathers, Museum, Watching
Murder
Th 2/3 "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop" - Charity Blind Gary, Subway,
Donut Shop, Megaphone madness, Greenlight gang, CouponThe Trial, CouponThe
Movie, Credits testimonial
Fr 2/4 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some Rat
Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 1/31 Comedian Shaun Majumder - Co-host of the ECMA's musical guest
Stereophonics
Tu 2/1 Actor†Vin Diesel from Saving Private Ryan,†food columnist Bonnie Stern
musical guest Live
We 2/2 "The Preacher of the Year" Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Jennifer Hill -
Blonde and beautiful co-host of Game On. musical guest Wyrd Sisters
Th 2/3 musical guest Michie Mee
Fr 2/4 Daryn Jones & Mista Mo Buzz Boys back all right!, musical guest
Charlotte Church


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy (Episode 1)
We 2/2 10:30 PM


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 2/5 TBA
Sa 2/12 Alan Cumming, Jennifer Lopez
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 1/31 1 PM & Midnight The Arnolds -- Roseanne & Tom / The Red Hot Chili
Peppers + Madonna + Barbra Streisand (1991-'92) Bush has learned "You're
pissed!", Coffee Talk, Jesus meets Dick Clark's receptionist, A Star Is Born,
Tall Tales of the Recession;  6 PM Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The
Heartbreakers (1989-'90) Hosts tribute to Gilda Radner, Pumping Up With Hans
& Franz, Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics, Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A
Car, Sprockets, Tonto, Tarzan, & Frankenstein say goodbye for the summer
Tu 2/1 1 PM & Midnight Charles Barkley / Nirvana (1993-'94) Clinton Health
Plan, Daily Affirmation, Coffee Talk, Deep Thoughts, Gap Girls; 6 PM
Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell (1997-'98) Oprah & Marv
Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita Delvecchio, Car Crash victims
who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet Reno,  Fun With Real Audio :
Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun,
We 2/2 1 PM & Midnight Shannen Doherty / Cypress Hill (1993-'94) Operaman,
Crystal Gravy, The Real World, The Denise Show, Is It Date Rape?, The Relapse
Guy;  6 PM Matthew Perry / Oasis (1997-'98) Spartan Spirits, Friends fountain
dance, Cookie Dough Sport, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Sarcasm 101, The Ladies' Man,
Harry Caray, Goat Boy, Kevin Franklin Show, Liza!
Th 2/3 1 PM & Midnight Jeff Goldblum / Aerosmith + Laura Dern (1993-'94) Nerf
Crotchbats, Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends, Mike Judge's Milton in
"Office Space";  e PM Brendan Fraser / Bjork (1997-'98) Xena, The Delicious
Dish, Go-Lords!, Collette Reardon's medication, Harry Caray, Courtney Love's
Biography, Mango, Shark Channel
Fr 2/4 1 PM John Malkovich / Billy Joel (1993-'94) Erik & Lyle Menendez,
Theatre Stories, McIntosh Post-it Notes;  6 PM Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction
(1997-'98) Fun With Real Audio- Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man,
news Tommy Flanagan, Late Show with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The
New York Times, The Robin Byrd Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!";  8 PM Nicole
Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots (1993-'94) Wayne's World, The Denise Show,
Hyperactive Phillip, Sprockets, Ross Perot;  9 PM Sarah Michelle Gellar /
Portishead (1997-'98) Unabomber, Spice Girls, Glenn Close, Mars & Venus, Tara
Lipinski Golords, Goth Talk, The Robin Byrd Show, Buffy/Seinfeld;  10 PM
Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel (1992-'93) Clinton's Indecent Proposal, Woody
Allen's fan club, "You Like-a Da juice"
Sa 2/5 8 AM Tom Hanks / Aerosmith (1989-'90) Donald vs. Ivana, Out-of-body
experience, Wayne's World, Tales of Ribaldry, Irish Drinking Songs,
Desensitized Losers, Red Square McDonald's;  9 AM Alec Baldwin / B-52s
(1989-'90) Bush on reefer, Greenhilly, Greta Garbo and James O'Brien, The
Nude Talk Show, Colon Blow, Middle-Aged Man;  4 PM Steve Martin / Eric
Clapton + Brian Austin Green + Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell
(1994-'95) Clinton auditions, Home Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron
Wood Show, Super Sports Tours;  6 PM Wayne Gretsky / Fine Young Cannibals
(1989-'90) Wayne's World, Anal-retentive Fishing, Waikiki Hockey


TRACEY TAKES ON...
     HBO
Sa 2/5 4 PM Charity (1/31/96)
     HBO Comedy
Tu 2/1 7:30 PM Sex (1/18/97)
We 2/2 11 AM Fantasy (1/25/97),  7:30 PM Fantasy (1/25/97)
Th 2/3 8:30 AM Smoking (1/18/98), 7:30 PM Mothers (2/2/97), 9:35 PM Hair
(1/20/99)
Fr 2/4 7:30 PM Las Vegas (2/08/97)
Sa 2/5 7:30 PM Secrets (2/17/97)
Su 2/6 7:30 PM Childhood (2/24/97)
     HBO Plus
Fr 2/4  5 PM Romance (1/24/96)

TRACEY ULLMAN: A CLASS ACT, (HBO Comedy)
We 2/2 3:15 PM
Su 2/6 5:10 AM, 11:15 AM


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 1/24 10:30 PM The UCB fights the onslaught of throwing star culture.
Sa 2/5 1:30 AM Hospital - The healthcare system gets overhauled when UCB
writes a perscription for chaos.
Mo 2/7 10:30 PM & Sa 2/12 1:30 AM Band - Chaos rules when the Upright
Citizens Brigade unplugs the music industry.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 24-30, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Rob Burnett was talking to the press again. The
executive producer of "Late Show with David Letterman"
may not be as schmoozerrific as his predecessor in that
post, Robert "Morty" Morton, but Burnett makes up for
that with the pleasantly jaded tone you might expect
from a onetime writer on the show he now helms. He
returns reporters' calls, and he doesn't call up critics
to give them tongue-lashings as Morton was known to do.
And since his boss almost never engages the media,
Burnett finds himself in a rare elite of ever-quotable
TV producers, right up there with "Law & Order's" Dick
Wolf, only nicer.

So it was a little disconcerting to have my phone call
to Burnett last week re-routed through a newly hired PR
firm for Worldwide Pants. But not to worry: Burnett was
on the phone late Friday, the end of a long day spent
breaking the silence he'd imposed on himself since Dave
Letterman underwent a quintuple bypass the previous
Friday. Here's what he said.

Q. Next week I see you're doing reruns from some of your
"road shows." What's the plan after that?

A. Here's where we kind of are -- I've been talking to
lot of people about this. We're not set on anything. We
haven't ruled out guest hosts. We haven't ruled out
reruns. This thing happened so quickly. I've not spoken
with Dave about the show at all. I've spoken with him
personally. But I've made the decision that he could use
a little time away from show business. So could we all.

When it's appropriate, after a little further recovery,
we will sit down and have a big conversation and go over
our buffet of options. As with anything we do, we'll
have pretty large choices. We have a lot of ideas for
themed reruns, maybe an "Internet choice" week.

You remember a show back at NBC, where Dave watches a
repeat with America? We thought of doing that with
guests, like having Julia Roberts watch a repeat of her
and Dave. We might run some of our prime time specials.

Q. I heard the term "guest hosts."

A. Yeah. Guest hosts, either live in the studio or rerun
hosts, are also options. Everything is an option at this
point.

The way I look at this, we've been dark for two weeks in
the past. Next week was a dark week that had been on the
schedule for a year. This doesn't start to become a
different situation until the third week. And by then I
expect that Dave will be part of the mix. And as you know,
we don't even order lunch around here without including
Dave.

We once ran a repeat at NBC with Spanish dubbed in. And
maybe you recall "the compressed show" at NBC. They have
that process for compressing the show --

Q. It's called a Lexicon.

A. -- so that at the end you have a little extra at the
end, like a minute, where you can add something new.

This has always been fun to dabble in. When you're doing
a show night after night, you're just worried about the
meat and potatoes. You don't have time for, oh, cherries
for the dessert sundaes. So now it might be fun to turn
our attention to any manner of doing the reruns ...

And if Dave is out a really long time -- well, we'll
probably do this as we do everything, we'll do it a
little longer than we should and then we'll do guest
hosts.

Q. I guess I wouldn't be a reporter if I didn't ask how
Dave was doing, though I suspect you'll just tell me the
same joke you told all the other repor --

A. I'm not a doctor, but he sounds great. I talked to
him yesterday. He's making jokes. Everything went so
well, he said he thought he was going start doing some
minor surgeries himself. ...

He's out of the hospital. He's at an "undisclosed
residence."

Q. So how 'bout those reruns.

A. The reruns are doing very well. They're actually
beating the originals from last year. You know we won
the week last week: 4.5 to 4.3. We all know what this is
about. last week we had two events (Hillary Clinton's
appearance on Wednesday and word of Letterman's surgery
on Friday).

I've said this a million times, I'll say it again: It
means very little to me. I've never cared much about the
ratings. "Larry Sanders" was one of best shows on
television. I think 16, 18 people watched it.

I've also heard people say, "What does this do for
Dave's momentum?" I don't think this means anything.
One, I have no fear of the audience eroding over this
period, because when Dave comes back -- in three weeks,
three months, six months -- it's going to be huge. This
is to me much like the move from NBC to CBS, when Dave
was off the air for two and a half months, and you saw
what happened then. In fact, I think it might have the
opposite effect: it gives people reason to watch.

***

Burnett and I then talked some more about Nielsens. He
attributed the show's ratings increase this season to
CBS's performance in prime time, especially Tuesday
nights, when it gives affiliates a strong lead-in to
late news with "Judging Amy." In lieu of strong
lead-ins, said Burnett, there's only so much a show can
do to attract attention.

"Frankly, I think it's unrealistic to think a show
that's been on the air 18 years (as of Feb. 1) can be an
event night in and night out. When we came to CBS we
were an event for two years. Unfortunately, when we
started to go down was when the bottom dropped out of
CBS."

No one can predict if Letterman will quit "Late Show"
after 2002, when his current deal expires. But, said
Burnett, "I think Dave is in a rare position in show
business, to be in complete control of his destiny. He
has a show which, if it's going to end, for better or
worse, he's going to make that call. Last year this show
made $150 million in revenue for CBS. I think he's made
something like $1 billion for CBS in the past seven
years.

"Let's face it: Television stars are few and far
between. Who's considered a TV star now? Johnny, Dave
... those days I think are behind us. The statistic that
strikes us the most is: What do 'Hunter' and 'Seinfeld'
have in common? They had the exact same ratings."

***

Reader mail: Thanks everyone for all the messages
following the special midweek edition. Too many to reply
to, actually. I'll take them with me to New Orleans
(where I'm covering the NATPE trade show) and maybe if I
have a few spare moments I can edit them for next
week's edition.

Keith Privett is one of several viewers who have
actually endured all of the new game shows. He writes in
with capsule reviews of two of them: "Winning Lines:
Stretches 12 brief math questions over 19 minutes before
an exciting but confusing bonus round. I doubt even Dick
Clark or a $50,000 home viewer game can save it. Setting
my VCR for 7:22 to 7:30 until it's gone. Redeeming
facet: A glowing bail-out buzzer in the bonus round that
should be in George Clooney's 'Failsafe' remake.

"Twenty One: We knew it would be dumbed down. But this
is the 11-point question: What's wrong with Twenty One?
a) Maury reveling in the show's infamy like he's getting
ready to do an O.J. interview b) Rule changes take away
the tension and drama away the old show did have c)
Departing winners are given (prop) cash dropped by a
model into a tacky NBC Studios canvas tote bag d) The
fact that an audience poll decides the next challenger
(i.e., future Herb Stempels need not apply) Redeeming
Facet: Live Band means Union musicians get more work" ...

Bill Grieser writes, "My need to send you a rant about
'ER' is now overpowering. Kellie Martin's departure from
'ER' due to lack of face time is a symptom of what is
wrong with that show: too many characters. Last season
the audience became emotionally invested with the lovely
Miss Knight as she came to terms with coming-of-age in a
trauma center, with the added bonus of a hint of romance
with Dr. Carter, who is only slightly ahead of her on
his own journey of growing up. This year we have to sit
through seemingly endless amounts of exposition to
explain no fewer than four new characters and one
departing character (so far). Watching them start to
explain the Julianna Margulies exit is excruciating. How
is Dr. Benton doing with his deaf kid? Who knows?

"Dr. Romano is a character added in the right manner: we
slowly built up to him until he now seems indispensable.
Dr. Weaver was the same way. But these new kids got
pictures right away -- it isn't right. If I could go
back in time, I'd tell the producers: Don't 'L.A. Law'
'ER'" ...

Ben Scripps writes, "There was some discussion in TV
Barn a while ago about the future of the episode of
'Seinfeld' in which Elaine hooked up with JFK Jr. While
doing episodic promos for 'Seinfeld' this week at work,
we made the promo for that episode, 'The Contest' (No.
411 for those of you scoring at home) to air in the
weekend position. From what I've seen, our episodes stay
right on with the national rotation, and this is the
first time we've made this promo since the plane crash."

I've been holding onto this letter from Alan Bone a
little too long. "Am I the only one who thought 'ABC
2000' was eerily reminiscent of the Jerry Lewis
Telethon? While it was, in many ways, interesting to
watch the progression of time from one part of the globe
to another, it was even more riveting as an example of
just how strange television can become when you put one
person on camera for 20 or so hours, especially when
there's not a lot going on for 50 out of every 60
minutes. It also seemed that the longer the program
dragged on, the more desperate the ABC folks got.

"Peter Jennings, like Jerry, donned a tuxedo to ring in
the new year on the East Coast, but backed off to a
sweater for the remainder of the broadcast. By the time
we witnessed the countdown for the West Coast--complete
with the Bellagio hotel's dancing waters and Steve
Lawrence singing about Vegas in the background--I was
halfway expecting Jennings himself to sing, either
performing a duet with Barbara Walters via satellite or
'You'll Never Walk Alone' to close the show. If only the
slightly less predictable Dan Rather had been presiding
over things ..."

David Loehr writes, "Since you mention the fear of this,
I thought you'd like to know about www.brainharvest.com,
a similarly bogus website designed to promote 'Now and
Again,' taking its concept of harvesting brains for
ultra-secret experiments 'seriously.' It's actually done
with a bit more style and wit than the insipid
andylives.org site, but still, after one visit, why
would anyone go back? And like the Kaufman site, it's
also designed in an amateurish style that's so out of
touch with reality, it's not even funny. A relatively
clever show like this doesn't need a thuddingly stupid
site like this. Although if the show doesn't start
picking up, I'll probably give up on it.

"The only worthwhile site like this is one set up for
the film 'Galaxy Quest,' mainly because you have a
choice to go there from the 'official' site at
amazon.com. The bogus site is supposedly designed by a
hyperfan named Travis Latke, and is again excruciatingly
amateurish. But it actually has a reason to exist. It
ties in with the film's gentle parody of 'Star Trek,'
its fans and, by extension, its fansites. Again, one
visit is probably more than enough, but this one is
worth the trip" ...

Ian Evans, chairman of Digital Hit Entertainment in
Toronto, couldn't get a reporter into Monday's American
Music Awards, and here's the fishy reason why: "Our
online entertainment news company has had credentials
for events like the Golden Globes, Oscars, and Toronto
International Film Festival. Today we asked Dick Clark
Productions about getting credentials for the American
Music Awards and one of their execs referred us to the
PR company handling credentials. The PR company head
informed me that no credentials would be issued to
online organizations since an exclusive online deal had
been signed with ABC.com.

"This strikes me as strange/wrong/weird. Would they tell
the Kansas City Star that they couldn't go because they
have a deal with the Chicago Tribune? Heck, the Academy
has an official Oscar night site with ABC, but we were
still credentialed in a room full of other online press.
Blocking access to an entire form of media seems a bit
harsh." I agree, but then there is one mitigating factor
-- it's a Dick Clark-produced awards show. It doesn't
count!! ...

Don Hosek writes, "Mostly on the basis of their airings
of 'The Muppet Show,' I tuned into the Odyssey Network.
And while I can live without the 'cable network
premiere' of 'Sarah, Plain & Tall,' I've found their
religion programming strangely compelling. I've given up
on most religious media whether it's the usual TV
programming (little more than cheerleading and
fundraising), print (more of the same), or the Internet
(a never ending stream of polemical apologetics). So I
was somewhat surprised to tune in and catch an
intelligent discussion of religious issues -- in this
case, whether 20th-century religion was spiritually
bankrupt -- that could easily stand among the best
religious writing/journalism/media."

And Sean Medlock, having read this quote from Ted Turner --
	 "I don't want to sit down at some keyboard and
	 communicate with somebody on the other side of the
	 world. I want my neighbors to come over and play bridge,
	 and I want to touch them and look at them."
-- writes, "I'd gladly risk a cold, dystopian digital
future to eliminate any possibility of Ted Turner
touching me and looking at me."

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 January 24: In 1990, on a Very Special Episode of
	 "Growing Pains," Maggie and Jason Seaver fight over
	 parenting styles after son Ben asks permission to get
	 his ear pierced. By the end of the episode, everyone has
	 learned an Important Lesson.

	 January 25: in 1974, the "Brady Bunch" writers
	 completely run out of ideas and decide in the episode
	 "Welcome Aboard" to introduce the jinxed Cousin Oliver,
	 played by Robbie Rist. By the end of the episode,
	 everyone's throwing pies.

	 January 26: in 1979, society ends as we know it with the
	 series debut of that awful moral sewer known as "The
	 Dukes Of Hazzard." In the pilot episode, "One Armed
	 Bandit," them Duke boys (Lukas and Beauregard) hijack
	 Boss Hogg's shipment of illegal slot machines.

	 January 27: in 1993, on "Melrose Place," Alison Parker
	 gets promoted at D&D Advertising and meets her new boss
	 ... Amanda Woodward, played by guest star Heather
	 Locklear, who will eventually make 127 appearances and
	 become a regular on the series.

	 January 28: in 1956, on "The Honeymooners," Ralph
	 Kramden is picked as a contestant for "The $99,000.00
	 Answer." Asked who is the composer of "Swanee River,"
	 all Kramden can come up with is "Ed Norton?" And yes,
	 that's his final answer.

	 January 29: in 1971, "The Partridge Family" mistakenly
	 gets booked at the "Soul Club." Owners Richard Pryor and
	 Louis Gossett, Jr. are depending on the turnout for
	 their show to save their business, but "the Family"
	 plays to an audience of one. The gang throws a block
	 party, and Keith sings, "It's sort of an Afro thing."
	 Racially harmonic mayhem ensues.

	 January 30: In 1982, Andy Kaufman makes his ninth
	 "Saturday Night Live" appearance, this time as Elvis,
	 performing a song, clucking, asking women to wrestle
	 him, and ultimately apologizing.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, Marsh & MacNeil. There
	 is absolutely no chance of winning a million dollars by
	 visiting Tom Heald's Test Patterns website at
	 <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>, but why let that
	 stop you?]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 1/24 Don Johnson, Alice in Chains, Manny the Hippie (R 5/10/96)
Tu 1/25 Meg Ryan, Annie Lennox, Salman Rushdie (R 5/19/95)
We 1/26 Danny DeVito, Brett Butler, John Michael Montgomery (R 11/7/95)
Th 1/27 Will Smith, Jimmy Buffett, kid inventors (R 11/26/96)
Fr 1/28 Rosie Perez, Reggie Miller, John Hiatt (R 4/25/97)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 1/24 Matt Damon, Lorraine Bracco, Diana Krall
Tu 1/25 Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, Terry Bradshaw, Alecia Elliott
We 1/26 Kirstie Alley, David Lynch, Third Eye Blind
Th 1/27 David Hyde Pierce, Selma Blair, Wynonna
Fr 1/28 Heidi Klum, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Chris Cornell

Mo 1/31 Kim Delaney, Frankie Muniz, Sixpence None the Richer
Tu 2/1 Reese Witherspoon, James Carville, Bob Schneider
We 2/2 Jeff Bridges, Moira Kelly
Th 2/3 Courteney Cox Arquette, Tina Turner, 4-year-old Mensa member Priya
Purewell
Fr 2/4 Sandra Bullock, animal expert Brady Barr


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 1/24 Gary Payton, Laeticia Casta (R 12/3/99)
Tu 1/25 Kirk Douglas, Carol Alt, Aimee Mann (R 1/7/00)
We 1/26 William H. Macy, Cindy Margolis (R 1/5/00)
Th 1/27 Merv Griffin, Robin Tunney (R 11/17/99)
Fr 1/28 Tim Robbins, Tara Lipinski (R 1/6/00)


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 1/24 Jon Stewart, Mariska Hargitay (R)
Tu 1/25 Ashley Judd, Shelby Lynne
We 1/26 Jeff Bridges, Nikki Cox
Th 1/27 Jason Priestley, Stockard Channing
Fr 1/28 TBA

Mo 1/31 Al Franken, Lauren Holly, Cafe Tacuba (R 11/3/99)
Tu 2/1 TBA
We 2/2 David Arquette, S. Epatha Merkerson
Th 2/3 Nathan Lane, Parker Posey, David Feldman


LATER, NBC
Mo 1/24 Thomas Ian Nicholas; host Sue Costello (R)
Tu 1/25 John O'Hurley; host Bonnie McFarlane (R 9/23/99)
We 1/26 Dr. Drew Pinsky; host Lisa Amsterdam (R 11/16/99)
Th 1/27 Vicki Lawrence; host Lynne Koplitz (R 12/1/99)


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 1/24 Anthony Minghella, Robert Wagner


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 1/24 Armstrong Williams, Michael Moore, Robert Klein,
    Rep. Harold E. Ford Jr.
Tu 1/25 Eric Braeden, Tom Leykis, Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider
We 1/26 Larry Gelbart, Doris Roberts, David Bennahum, Colin Boeh
Th 1/27 Dinesh D'Souza, Robert Townsend, Naomi Judd
Fr 1/28 TBA
Su 1/30 Super Bowl Special with Rick Schroder, Smashing Pumpkins, Steve Harris,
    Mark Harmon, Shannon Elizabeth, Jason Alexander

Mo 1/31 Sonny P.O.D.
Tu 2/1 David Brenner, Trace Adkins, Monica Crowley, Valerie Harper
We 2/2 Kellyanne Fitzpatrick, John Spencer


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 1/24 Selma Blair
Tu 1/25 Peter Krause
We 1/26 Ashley Judd
Th 1/27 David Arquette


From: TOMALHE@...
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 18:40:24 EST
Subject: lineups
To: material@..., trow@..., laurel@...
X-RCPT-TO: <material@...>
Status: U

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
HB0
Su 1/30 12:45 AM Ken Hamblin, Meshell Ndegecello

HBO Zone (nightly reruns) 11 PM
Mo 1/24 Lisa Nicole Carson and The Beastie Boys (11/27/98)
Tu 1/25 Spike Lee, D'Angelo
We 1/26 Allen Iverson, Red hot Chili Peppers
Th 1/27 The Reverend Al Sharpton, Les Nubians
Fr 1/28 Iyanla Vanzant, Mobb Deep

Mo 1/31 Ken Hamblin, Meshell Ndegecello

DENNIS MILLER LIVE
HBO
Fr 1/28 Sheryl Swoops on "Women in Sports"
Fr 2/4 Hiatus week

HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/24 Chris Farley on Exercise (5/26/95)
Tu 1/25 Gary Hart on Where is America Headed (6/02/95)
We 1/26 Louis Anderson on Homeless (6/09/95)
Th 1/27 Jon Stewart on Liability of Intelligence (6/16/95)
Fr 1/28 Joycelyn Elders on Teen Pregnancy (6/23/95)

Mo 1/31 Carrie Fisher on O.J. Trial (6/30/95)

THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/24 "The Garden Weasel a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?)"
(episode 1) Deborah May, Melanie Parrish, Robert Hays (8/15/92)
Tu 1/25 "The Promise" David Spade, Dana Delany, William Shatner (8/22/92)
We 1/26 "The Spider Episode" Carol Burnett, Jon Lovitz (8/29/92)
Th 1/27 "Guest Host" Anne-Marie Johnson, Dana Carvey (9/5/92)
Fr 1/28 "The New Producer" (9/12/92) Robert Morton, Jeff Cesario, Ian
Buchanan (9/12/92)

Mo 1/31 "The Flirt Episode" Mimi Rogers , Michael Richards (9/19/92)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 1/29 "The Drew Carey Show's" Christa Miller in "Model" O.J. Simpson and
blonde bombshell Kim in "Blind Date"
Sa 2/5 Tim Robbins / Carmen Electra urges viewers to bring funk back into
their lives and to "walk the funky walk and talk the dirty talk" with "Funky
Walker, Dirty Talker"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 1/24 "The Biggest Failure in Broadway History" - Beating Hippe, No Adults
Allowed, New KKK, Ad awards/mob chase, Drunk Cops, Iguana, Jeepers Creepers,
Hippie Pie
Tu 1/25 "A Talking Junkie?!" - David acts English, Talking JInkie, New Son,
Red Balloon, Porno Shope, Ewww Girl videom Video Soul, Rap: The Musical,
Homage Awards, Creeping Peeping Videos
We 1/26 "Operation Hell On Earth" Young Superstar, Old Folks HOme, Hate
Group, News Family Anchors, Recruiters, Blam-A-Thon/Fartin Gary, Second Wind,
Old Superstar
Th 1/27 "Heaven's Chimney" - Heaven's Chimney, Deprogramming, Heaven Tour,
Crazy Religious Beliefs, Watch Us Have Sex, Blatant Sexual Symbloism. The
Devastator, Directions, Educational Film Festival Medieval Film, Hail Satan,
Cartoon
Fr 1/28 "Peanut Butter, Eggs & Dice"›- Very Special Episode, David Reveeals
He's Bald, Ratings Man, Song/Map, Santa's Workshop, Tatiana, Cock Ring
Warehouse, Marriage Announcement, Fuzz - The Musical, Terry Gets Award/Fly By
Awards, The Dewey Awards, Bob Lamonta, Handing Out Awards
Mo 1/31 "Oh, You Men" - Banana/Mayor Of Television, Ventriloquists, People
Watching/TV Guide, The Hanged Man, Delongpre Dannon, Sticky Pads. Lie
Detector, Television TV, Time Caplet, Draggachusettes, Lose: The Lost
Episode, Guard Throws Tape/Monkey


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 1/24†France D'Amour - Star of Notre Dame de Paris, Comic Glen Foster, and
musical guest Oh Susannah
Tu 1/25 Denny Doherty - Star of Needfire and the Mamas and the Papas, Robert
Szep Creator of the 3rd Millennium Meteorite, and musical guest The Whitlams
We 1/26 musical guest Cash Brothers†
Th 1/27 James Gallanders On CTVís The City and in The Third Miracle, The Tap
Dogs,  and musical guest Paul Brandt
Fr 1/28 Dan Redican - Featured in The Comedy Networkís Puppets Who Kill, and
musical guest Jazzyfatnastees
†

THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy
Fr 1/28 5:30am Episode 4?


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 1/29 Annual Sports Extra show
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 1/24 1 PM & Midnight Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson (1991-'92) Wayne's
World, C-Span Covers the Election;  6 PM Tony Danza / John Hiatt (1988-'89)
Ted Bundy, Da War Of Da Woilds, As World Turn, Tonto, Tarzan, & Frankenstein
sing "Oh, Suzanna"
Tu 1/25 1 PM & Midnight Susan Dey / C & C Music Factory (1991-'92) Makin'
Copies at L.A. Law; The Mike Tyson Trial, Leevi's 3 Legged Jeans, The Arakawa
Group, Partridge Family vs. The Brady Bunch The Sensitive Naked Man;  6 PM
Ted Danson / Luther Vandross (1988-'89) Sleepytime, Plug Away, The Iranian
People's Court
We 1/26 1 PM & Midnight Jason Priestly / Teenage Fanclub (1991-'92) The
falling figure skater, Jiffy Pop Airbag, The Life & Times of Johnny Hildo,
Love Werks  on Sprockets!, New Kids On The Block on The Arsenio Hall Show,
zip code consolidation at Beverly Hills 90120; 6 PM Leslie Nielsen / The
Cowboy Junkies (1988-'89) Iran's Most Wanted, Long White Beard, Snap
Decision, Pat Stevens Show, The 1960s Movie, Wayne's World, Blotch-Off,
DripMaster, Bungking, Solidex
Th 1/27 1 PM & Midnight Claire Danes / Mariah Carey (1997-'98) The View, The
Singing Mohan Culps, The Ambiguously Gay Duo, Tinkerbell, Joe Blow news, Mr.
Peepers;  6 PM Mel Gibson / Living Colour (1989-'90) Rain Man, Tales Of
Ribaldry, Josh Acid, As World Turn
Fr 1/28 1 PM Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam (1991-'92) Wayne's World, Jiffy Pop
Airbag, Queen Shenequa, Victoria Jackson sings "I Love A Cop," Airport
Security Guards, Basic Instinct with Pat;  6 PM Geena Davis / John Cougar
Mellencamp (1989-'90) Bush's 1st 100 Days, The Bob Waltman Special,
Attitudes, The Palmer Bunch; 10:30PM Best of Saturday Night Live : Steve
Martin, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Billy Murray, Steve Guttenberg, Robin
Williams, Paul Simon and The Pretenders.
Sa 1/29 11 AM Luke Perry / Mick Jagger (1992-'93) Chameleon XLE a practical
luxury car, Operaman sings, Sassy's Sassiest Boys, The Magic Fish;  4:30PM
Bill Murray / Sting (1992-'93) The WhipMaster, Frequent Flyer, I'm Chillin';
6 PM Glenn Close / Black Crowes (1992-'93) Coffee Talk, What's the Best Way?,
Drummer Boy
Su 1/30 8:30AM Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon (1992-'93) -
Larry King Live, Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With Dennis
Miller," Sunday Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt

Mo 1/31 1 PM & Midnight The Arnolds -- Roseanne & Tom / The Red Hot Chili
Peppers + Madonna + Barbra Streisand (1991-'92) Bush has learned "You're
pissed!", Coffee Talk, Jesus meets Dick Clark's receptionist, A Star Is Born,
Tall Tales of the Recession;  6 PM Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The
Heartbreakers (1989-'90) Hosts tribute to Gilda Radner, Pumping Up With Hans
& Franz, Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics, Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A
Car, Sprockets, Tonto, Tarzan, & Frankenstein say goodbye for the summer


TRACEY TAKES ON...,
     HBO Comedy nightly @ 10:30 PM
Mo 1/24 Family (2/21/96)†
Tu 1/25 Law (2/28/96)†
We 1/26 Vanity (3/06/96)†
Th 1/27 Death (3/13/96)†
Fr 1/28 Health (3/20/96)†

Mo 1/31 Fame (3/27/96)†

     HBO Signature, (Reruns)
Tu 1/25  4:15 PM Scandal (1/20/99)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 1/24 10:30PM TBA

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
*** SPECIAL MIDWEEK ****
******* EDITION ********
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 20, 2000
------------------------


TOP TEN REASONS WHY GUEST HOSTS ARE A BAD IDEA

David Letterman was in the recovery room, what -- a day?
36 hours? -- when a radio talk show in L.A. started
floating the idea that it would be so great if Johnny
Carson came out of retirement and filled in while the
host of the CBS "Late Show" recuperated from bypass
surgery.

By Tuesday the idea was in full snowball. Rosie
O'Donnell and the host of TV's hottest show -- Regis
Philbin of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" -- offered
themselves as guest hosts. TV critic David Bianculli
suggested on NPR that Steve Allen should helm the first
week, followed by Jack Paar, Garry Shandling and Carson.

Readers have been sending me e-mails, all of them in
flow with the zeitgeist. "I think it is a wonderful
idea," declared one. Another wrote, "I think CBS must
consider using some guest hosts or risk falling back
further in the ratings race," a reference to Jay Leno's
considerable lead in the late-night Nielsens.

Forget it, everyone. CBS has put the kabosh on the
guest-hosting idea.

"Our first and primary concern continues to be Dave's
health and we're thrilled that all signs point to a
speedy recovery," the network said in a statement
responding to my inquiry on Tuesday. "Dave has been a
superstar for CBS for many years and we can't wait to
have him back at work. In the meantime we plan to
provide viewers with the best of Dave in repeats. There
is certainly enough of that to entertain Dave's loyal
fans for a long time."

For once, I'm with the pinheads at the network. Bringing
in guest hosts for Letterman is one of those ideas that
sounds like a can't-lose -- that is, until somebody
actually tries it. Drum roll, please:

10. This isn't baseball. The idea of guest hosts is
reminiscent of "The Tonight Show" during Carson's reign,
but many of us are more likely to recall the time in the
late 1980s when Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray was
recovering from a stroke and superstation WGN scored a
hit by hiring celebrity guest announcers to call the
games in his absence.

CBS, however, is not under any decree to keep playing
new shows while its star is on injured reserve. The
season will go on regardless. And CBS may even sell a
few more concessions: "Late Show" repeats this week have
been scoring nearly as high in the Nielsens as recent
first-run shows.

9. Reruns allow Letterman to re-endear himself to former
fans. A reader asked me, "Do you have any idea why they
decided to show such recent Letterman reruns while he
recuperates?" (Two of this week's four encores are from
December.)

The answer is simple: Because Dave has been on a roll.

This is perhaps the most compelling reason for repeats.
Viewers who stopped watching Letterman over the years
(since 1994 he's lost nearly half his audience) may be
feeling a twang of sympathy for him. Perhaps they're
checking out some of the shows this week for old time's
sake.

What could be a more pleasant surprise for these wayward
fans than to see the "new" Dave -- bespectacled,
definitely starting to look his 52 years on camera, yet
oddly invigorated, brighter, funnier than he's seemed in
years?

As he has done throughout his career, Letterman has
caught another wind. His joy is evident nearly every
night. The comedy seems sharper (one of his best
writers, Bill Scheft, is back on staff). He's booking
better guests (you can't do much better than Hillary
Clinton).

This is the Letterman CBS wants as many viewers as
possible to see -- and, one would think, so does
Letterman.

Besides, as any fan will tell you, a great show is
almost as much fun to watch the second time around.
Reruns are also malleable in a way first-run shows
aren't. The New York Times reported this week that some
Letterman reruns may be specially packaged. His earlier
prime-time specials might be aired in late night, and
guests may come in to tape new introductions to some
repeats. Three cheers for Memorex.

8. Guest hosts would be more trouble than they're worth.
No matter who is seated in Dave's chair, there will be
so much to learn, both for the host and those running
the show, that the results will probably not be very
satisfying.

Letterman has cultivated one of the most loyal and
talented staffs in the business. They, in turn, have
learned to tailor their jobs around the quirks of their
boss. All that would be set aside for the guest hosts.
Since only a handful of today's celebrities have even
sat behind a late-night talk show desk, Letterman's
staff would have to walk them through the basics every
night, taking on coaching tasks they've never done
before. (Inside the Letterman camp only Peter Lassally,
now semi-retired and working in Los Angeles, has any
working knowledge of Carson's old guest-host mill.)

7. They'd distract the writing staff. Not long ago many
fans were complaining that Letterman's comedy had gotten
too thin, and they blamed it on his five-night-a-week
schedule at CBS. At NBC, he only taped four shows, and
took a lot more vacation time. With this sudden hiatus,
Letterman's joke writers and segment producers have been
given the rare gift of time. Time to write, shoot and
bank material for future use.

A guest-hosting system would blow that chance, since
monologue jokes and comedy bits would be needed for the
fill-ins. Also, as longtime fans know, Letterman is
unusually giddy after a week off. His material always
seems fresher, too. Imagine how good "Late Show" will be
after a break this long.

6. Dave isn't Johnny. In his 20 years as a talk show
host, Letterman has shared his stage exactly once -- in
1983, when he brought in a co-host for "The Morning
Show," a mock a.m. edition of his popular "Late Night"
program on NBC. Letterman has always wanted the stage to
be his. Unlike Leno, Carson and Paar, he almost never
allows more than a guest at a time by his side. (The
second guest chair, he used to say, was for either
Siskel or Ebert.)

And since it is Letterman's company, not CBS, which owns
"Late Show," any decision on a seat-filler would have to
come from the man who has never allowed his seat to be
filled by anyone else.

5. Johnny isn't Dave. Since signing off for the last
time nearly eight years ago, Johnny Carson has seen his
television legacy swell to biblical proportions. He's
now seen as a show business savior, a Moses standing at
the other end of the Red Sea: All he has to do is show
up and the parted waters of American culture will seal
up once again.

Well, maybe for a night. And after the novelty wears
off, then what? For this reason, I suspect that even
were Letterman to pick up the phone and ask Carson
personally to do the show -- highly unlikely, given
Letterman's reverence for his idol -- Carson would
probably turn him down.

Put yourself in Johnny's shoes. Would you fly to New
York and take over a studio you've never seen before?
For a show that moves at twice the speed that yours once
did? Carson, of all people, knows that by Friday the
critics would be restless. He's already engineered one
perfect departure; why tempt fate trying another?

4. We went through this last time. As NBC learned when
it tried to replace Letterman in 1993, there are very
few people talented enough to do a late-night talk show.
Chevy Chase, Whoopi Goldberg and Dennis Miller tried and
failed. It's well and good to talk about bringing back
Steverino and Paar, but they've both attempted comebacks
in the past and neither was a ringing success.

In fact, since Carson replaced his rotating guest-host
system in 1986 with two "permanent guest hosts"
(Shandling and Leno), the concept of temporary emcees
has nearly died out. And the one exception does not
inspire hope: NBC's gawdawful "Later," where
rent-a-hosts do canned interviews with near-celebrities
for an audience of insomniacs.

3. CBS would be nuts to want guest hosts. Before 1993,
when Letterman changed networks, CBS had no late-night
franchise. It had a seedy movie series, "Crimetime
After Primetime," that was carried by only a fraction
of its affiliates and got terrible ratings.

Letterman's numbers have not exactly been boffo in
recent years, but there's more competition these days,
thanks to cable. More to the point, "Late Show," even in
reruns, draws impressively from that pool of young male
viewers that CBS has a hard time reaching at any other
time of the day. Make no mistake: Advertisers keep the
networks in business, and advertisers want shows that
skew young.

Now imagine five nights of Johnny Carson, or Steve
Allen, or even Regis Philbin (who draws a much older
audience to his daytime talk show than to
"Millionaire"). Nostalgia buffs would love it, but I'm
betting a lot of younger viewers wouldn't -- and CBS
would hate that.

2. Not everyone has Dave's best interests in mind. It's
hard to avoid feeling that a lot of viewers have had it
with both Letterman and Leno. The media don't write
about the "late night wars" like they used to. They
want fresh meat. Bringing in guest hosts would get that
pot stirring again. Everyone would be arguing over which
guest host was the best, and that would lead to
inevitable thumbsucking about "who is the next Dave."

Letterman knows what this is like, since he was called
"the next Johnny Carson" as early as 1979. More
recently, there actually was an episode of "The Larry
Sanders Show," the hilarious HBO insider parody of
late-night TV, in which Larry's bosses kept extending
his vacation because guest host Jon Stewart was doing so
well in the overnight ratings.

Don't laugh. The last time "The Larry Sanders Show"
ventured a guess, it came true: Letterman told Larry
(Garry Shandling) that he had hired Tom Snyder to host a
show right after his.

And the number one reason guest hosts are a bad idea ...

1. Repeats will speed Dave's recovery. In 1988, during a
writers' strike that dragged on for months, Letterman
had to sit idly by while NBC aired endless repeats of
his show. Finally he could take it no longer. He went
back on the air, with no material other than what he had
scribbled down earlier in the day. (By the way, they
were some of his greatest shows ever.)

Trust me, after a few weeks of watching himself on TV --
counting every imperfection and screwup he makes --
Letterman will work himself right back into fighting
shape.

Until then, the rest of us should just sit back and
enjoy the show. Again.

Copyright (C) 2000 Aaron Barnhart. Redistribution prohibited.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 17-23, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------

If you want some idea of how two of the "chefs" are
going to get along in the stifling hot kitchen that will
soon be AOL Time Warner, I've uncovered a very curious
exchange between Ted Turner -- the vice chairman of Time
Warner and the man who was cable before cable was cool
-- and Steve Case, president of America Online. It
happened last year at a leadership seminar in New York,
where both men sounded off on the digital future. Their
remarks weren't especially visionary, but they do have a
certain novelty value once you realize these two men are
proposing to spend their digital futures together.
Reading over them now, I'm tempted to start a pool to
see who can guess the number of days until Ted Turner
cashes out of AOL Time Warner.

Captain Outrageous got the ball rolling: "We have the
possibility that in five years you can live in a virtual
world," he said. "You don't need any friends. You don't
need a wife. You don't need children. You will have a
virtual wife that just comes up on the computer screen.
You don't have to go anywhere. You don't need any
friends. You can talk to people on the other side of the
world in a chat room with e-mail that you never met and
you will never see.

But that isn't what I want. I want a real person. I
don't want to sit down at some keyboard and communicate
with somebody on the other side of the world. I want my
neighbors to come over and play bridge, and I want to
touch them and look at them. I want to communicate the
old-fashioned way, with human contact, not -- [Ted
swears] -- through some computer. I'm not going digital.
I'm staying in the analog world."

The only question I have is whether Steve Case delivered
this rejoinder with a straight face or one of slight
bemusement: "I don't believe that the growth of the
Internet will result in people not having friends, not
going to restaurants, libraries, et cetera. Ten years
from now you are going to have people who are part of a
connected society and it's going to have a profound
effect on society.

"It's going to change in very fundamental ways how
people get information, how they communicate with
people, how they buy products and how they learn things
and how they're entertained. People will increasingly
not just be living in a world where they're sitting in
front of a desktop computer and connected to a closed
phone but will be using wireless devices that let them
go anywhere. You can use it when you want, the way you
want."

If Case was intending to allay's Turner's fears, his
closing thoughts sure didn't help. One of the more
disturbing emblems of our current digital era, after
all, is the sight of people walking down the street
talking to other people on cell phones instead of to
their companions walking alongside them (who are
probably themselves carrying on conversations with other
virtual pals).

(Thanks to our friends at Electronic Media for printing
the Turner-Case exchange in the 11/22/99 edition of EM.)


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>


	 January 17: in 1975, Robert Blake takes time off from
	 torturing animals and his Our Gang co-stars (as related
	 in just about every interview he ever gave Tom Snyder)
	 to star as Detective Tony "Baretta" in a near-spinoff
	 from the series "Toma."

	 January 18: in 1975, after three years living next to
	 Archie Bunker, "The Jeffersons" move on up to their own
	 sitcom and (sing it with me) "a deluxe apartment in the
	 sky," number 12D. And in their first episode, George
	 forces his wife to get a maid.

	 January 19: in 1953, America takes a pregnant pause as
	 68 percent of viewers tune in to watch Lucy Ricardo
	 deliver "Little Ricky." The show was timed perfectly as
	 Lucille Ball gave birth to Desi Arnaz Jr. the same day.

	 January 20: in 1998, society ends as we know it with the
	 series debut of that moral sewer known as "Dawson's
	 Creek." In "Emotions in Motion," Joey Potter (Katie
	 Holmes), the girl our hero Dawson Leery (James Van Der
	 Beek) has been sleeping with for seven years, decides
	 that it's no longer a good idea -- as they might
	 actually wind up having sex sometime.

	 January 21: in 1970, a magical British babysitter
	 arrives just at the right moment as Phoebe Figalilly
	 (Juliet Mills) descends in ABC's "Nanny and the
	 Professor." Today Mills still has the magic touch,
	 though she's now working for the side of evil as witch
	 Tabitha Lennox on NBC's "Passions."

	 January 22: in 1987, NBC thinks it will find success by
	 spinning off a family of extremely unlikeable characters
	 from their hit "Cheers." Carla's ex-husband Nick heads
	 for Vegas and love with his former showgirl wife as they
	 live life as low as the ratings for "The Tortellis."

	 January 23: in 1996, whiny teenager "Moesha" starts
	 being misunderstood by her parents ... who (pace Will
	 Smith) just don't understand. (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

	 [Errata: The roving reporter on "That Was The Week
	 That Was" that week was Willam Conrad, not Robert Frost,
	 Nero Wolfe was played by David Frost, not William
	 Holden. Glad to have cleared things up. Thanks to David
	 Tanny, Brooks, Masrh & McNeil, and all those who noticed
	 my flu bloopers. There's nothing even remotely
	 interesting this week at Tom Heald's Test Patterns
	 website at <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>.]


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 1/17 Courtney Love, Tori Murden (1st woman to row across the Atlantic),
R.E.M. (R 12/13/99)
Tu 1/18 Gwyneth Paltrow, Blondie (R 12/14/99)
We 1/19 Sophia Loren, The Mavericks (R 1/27/99)
Th 1/20 Jim Carrey, Alanis Morissette (R 12/16/99)
Fr 1/21 Jack Hanna, Sting, Peter Fonda (R 10/8/99)


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 1/17 Arnold Schwarzenegger, Garth Brooks (R 11/22/99)
Tu 1/18 George Clooney, the Durst quadruplets, Joan Osborne (R 9/30/99)
We 1/19 Tom Hanks, John Glenn, Puff Daddy (R 11/23/99)
Th 1/20 Robin Williams, Blue Man Group (R 12/13/99)
Fr 1/21 Johnny Depp, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sugar Ray (R 11/18/99)

Mo 1/24 Matt Damon, Lorraine Bracco, Diana Krall
Tu 1/25 Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, Ed Harris, Alecia Elliott
We 1/26 Kirstie Alley, David Lynch, Third Eye Blind


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 1/17 David Boreanaz, Ted Alexandro
Tu 1/18 Suzanne Somers
We 1/19 Jim Brown
Th 1/20 Al Franken, Amanda Peet
Fr 1/21 Freddie Prinze, Jr.


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 1/17 Anthony Michael Hall, Steven Wright, boxer Mia St. John (R 10/6/99)
Tu 1/18 Molly Shannon, Larry David, Eve (R 10/5/99)
We 1/19 D.B. Sweeney, Elisabeth Shue, Kyle Dunnigan (R 10/7/99)
Th 1/20 Rosie O'Donnell, Serena Williams, Louis Theroux (R 10/13/99)
Fr 1/21 Judd Nelson, Will Ferrell, Tori Amos (R 10/14/99)

Mo 1/24 Jon Stewart, Mariska Hargitay (R)
Tu 1/25 Ashley Judd, Shelby Lynne
We 1/26 Jeff Bridges, Nikki Cox
Th 1/27 Nathan Lane, Stockard Channing


LATER, NBC
Mo 1/17 Daisy Fuentes; host Nicole Sullivan (R 11/25/99)
Tu 1/18 Wilmer Valderrama; host Nicole Sullivan (R 11/23/99)
We 1/19 Richard Kind; host Lynne Koplitz (R 11/30/99)
Th 1/20 Erik Palladino; host Lynne Koplitz (R 12/2/99)


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 1/17 Deputy Secretary of State Strobe Talbott, Rev. Jesse L. Jackson Sr.,
Jesse L. Jackson Jr.
Tu 1/18 New Yorker Magazine


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 1/17 Bishop Earl Jackson, Laila Ali, Eddie Griffin, Hattie Winston
Tu 1/18 Angie Everhart, Barbara De Angelis, Billy Connelly
We 1/19 Bill Goldberg, Rep. Jack Kingston, Tracey Gold, Adam Carolla
Th 1/20 Dick Butkus, Studs Terkel
Fr 1/21 Joey McIntyre, Joan Rivers, Stefan Feller, Molly Culver

Mo 1/24 Armstrong Williams, Rep. Harold E. Ford Jr.
Tu 1/25 Eric Braeden, Tom Leykis, Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider
We 1/26 Larry Gelbart, Doris Roberts, David Bennahum, Colin Boeh


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 1/17 Penelope Ann Miller
Tu 1/18 Frankie Muniz
We 1/19 Freddie Prinze Jr.
Th 1/20 Jerry Springer


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW:
HB0
Su 1/23 11:40 PM Iyanla Vanzant, Mobb Deep
Su 1/30 12:45 AM Ken Hamblin, Meshell Ndegecello

HBO Zone (nightly reruns) 11 PM
Mo 1/17 Colin Quinn, JB Smoove
Tu 1/18 Adam Sandler and musical guest Faith Evans (10/27/98)
We 1/19 Activist Ward Connerly and comedian Don "D.C." Curry (11/6/98)
Th 1/20 Magic Johnson and rapper Method Man (11/13/98)
Fr 1/21 San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
HBO
Fr 1/21 Carl Reiner on "The Golden Age of Television"

HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/17 Halle Berry on Race (4/14/95)
Tu 1/18 Richard Lewis on What Men Want from Women (4/21/95)
We 1/19 Sandra Bullock on What Women Want from Men (4/28/95)
Th 1/20 Jay Leno on Tabloids (5/05/95)
Fr 1/21 Dana Carvey on Parenting (5/12/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/17 "Beverly's Secret" Michael Bolton, Drew Carey, Eriq LaSalle, Steven
Wright (4/26/98)
Tu 1/18 "I Buried Sid" Laura Dern, Jerry Stiller, Sid Newman, Larry Miller,
Rosey Grier, Char Margolis, Heidi Klum (5/3/98)
We 1/19 "Just the Perfect Blendship" Jeff Goldblum, Gina Gershon, Illeana
Douglas, Terry Bradshaw (5/10/98)
Th 1/20 "Putting the 'Gay' Back in Litigation" Illeana Douglas, Bruno Kirby,
Ed Begley, Jr., Drew Barrymore (5/17/98)
Fr 1/21 "Flip" (Final Episode) Tim Allen, Warren Beatty, Clint Black, Carol
Burnett, Jim Carrey, Ellen DeGeneres, David Duchovny, Greg Kinnear, Bruno
Kirby, Sean Penn, Tom Petty, Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart (5/31/98)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 1/22 Busta Rhymes / "Albanian Pie," "Swan Going Home," Sopranos spoof "The
Tenors," Fun With Soda, Lida, Molina & Rosa go to a Ricky Martin concert,
Hollywood Squares, Mad TV Classic -- "Little Hassan Taylor," Spy vs. Spy
(r-10/2/99)
Sa 1/29 "The Drew Carey Show's" Christa Miller in "Model" O.J. Simpson and
blonde bombshell Kim in "Blind Date"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 1/17 "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Porn Titles,
Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints, Borden Grote,
Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival
Tu 1/18 "Who Let You In" - Popemobile Chase, Nils' Guitar Shop, Imminent
Death Syndrome, Trial of the Millennium, Spank, Founding Fathers, Museum,
Watching Murder
We 1/19 "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop" - Charity Blind Gary, Subway,
Donut Shop, Megaphone madness, Greenlight gang, Coupon: The Trial, Coupon:
The Movie, Credits testimonial
Th 1/20 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some
Rat Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal
Fr 1/21 "Now, Who Wants Ice Cream" - Sovereign nation, Mountain Douggie Part
1, Petersen Family News, Thrilling Miracles, Ernie Flies, Mountain Douggie
Part 2, Shampoo, FF Woodycocks, Independant nation games, Old Man in House


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 1/17 Juliette Powell, Kathy Smith, Jake & The Blue Midnights
Tu 1/18 Michael Pinball Clemons, Rob Ross, Martha Wainwright
We 1/19 Bob Mackie, Daniel MacIvor, Joe Sealy
Th 1/20 Amy Sky
Fr 1/21 Paul Thomas Anderson, Rachael Crawford


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 1/22 Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie - Reform Party Leadership Conference,
Dillon-Edwards at www.clownpenis.fart, Morning Latte, Mary Catherine
Gallagher's Jewish basketball, Javis Home Security Systems,
ActionBreakingNews8, Seinfeld in Oz, 1-800-Eat-Sh*t, ...and a Pizza Place,
Medical torturers (r-10/2/99)
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 1/17 10:30AM Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox (1991-'92) Stand-Up & Win,
Operaman, EBS Test, Elijah the Prophet, Lank Thompson, I'm Chillin';
Midnight Michael Jordan  /  Public Enemy (1991-'92)  Wayne's World, The Dark
Side w / Nat X, Globetrotters
Tu 1/18 1 PM & Midnight Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd (1991-'92) Johnny
Carson's retirement, 8 monologue moves, Earthies, Making Copies, The Chris
Farley Show, Community College Bowl;  6 PM Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka
+ Bruce Willis (1988-'89) Beauty & the Beast, Camping with Hans & Franz, One
Man's Demons, Victoria Jackson sings "Dance Your Depression Away," Neuburg's
Bleu Cheese Wine Cooler
We 1/19 1 PM & Midnight MC Hammer + Pugsley & Wednesday Addams/Christina
Ricci (1991-'92) Michael Jackson vs. host, Dick Clark's receptionist,
Remembrances Of Love;  6 PM John Lithgow / Tracy Chapman (1988-'89) Oprah's
diet, Dog confessional, Master Thespian's Hamlet, The Pat Stevens Show, The
Alamo
Th 1/20 1 PM & Midnight Rob Morrow / Nirvana (1992-'93) Bush's Vomit : An
Oliver Stone Movie, Salon, Delta Delta Delta, Jan Brady, Victoria Jackson;  6
PM Matthew Broderick / Sugar Cubes (1988-'89) Dan Quayle in The Graduate, 5th
Beatle Albert Goldman, Cooking With Monkey, Nude Beach, Learning to Feel
Fr 1/21 1 PM Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey + Martin Scorsese (1991-'92)
Leevi's 3, Tooncinator, Pat, The Chris Farley Show; 6 PM John Malkovich /
Anita Baker (1988-'89) First Citiwide Change Bank, Attitudes, Barbara Bush
vs. Nancy Reagan, California condor, Lord Edmund; 8 PM Damon Wayans / Dionne
Farris (1994-'95) Men On Film, Jeff Foxworthy, Perspectives, "Cirque du
Soleil", Christopher Walken for Skittles; 9 PM David Alan Grier / Silverchair
(1995-'96) Nightline, the Rocky Roads, The Today Show, Three Wise Men, Lenny
The Lion, Wake Up & Smile, Spade in America, Black People, Perspectives; 10
PM Mike Meyers / Aerosmith (1996-'97) Scottish Soccer Hooligan weekly,
Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Coffee Talk,
Dominican Lou, Sprockets, Prematurely Gray, Tito Jackson; 11 PM Chevy Chase /
Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories + Father Guido Sarducci (1995-'96) NFL on NBC with
O.J., Lobotol, Althea, The Blame Game, 70's prom, Gangsta Bitch Barbie, The
Mark Fuhrman Show, Spade in America, Lampreys
Sa 1/22 11 AM John Goodman / Mary J. Blige + The Bravados (1992-'93) Makin
Copies at Waco, Wilson countersink flanges, Bear & Ox, Linda Richman, Soylent
Green director, How'd You Do That?;  4 PM Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen
(1992-'93) Ross Perot, "How am I funny?," Sabra Price Is Right, The Guy Who
Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She Turned Into Her Mother!!;  6 PM Harvey
Keitel / Madonna (1992-'93) Bathroom Attendant, Subway, Pat, Deer Heads


TRACEY TAKES ON...,
     HBO Comedy nightly @ 10:30 PM
Mo 1/17 Obsession (3/10/99)†
Tu 1/18 Romance (1/24/96)†
We 1/19 Charity (1/31/96)†
Th 1/20 Nostalgia (2/07/96)†
Fr 1/21 Royalty (2/14/96)†

     HBO Plus (reruns)
Su 1/23  5:35am Hair (1/20/99)†

     HBO Signature, (Reruns)
Mo 1/17 10:30am Scandal (1/20/99)
Fr 1/21 10 AM Scandal (1/20/99)
Fr 1/21 10:30am Hair (1/20/99)
Tu 1/25  4:15 PM Scandal (1/20/99)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 1/17 10:30PM Season premiere
Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 10-16, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


If, as the old Peter Steiner cartoon goes, no one knows
you're a dog on the Internet, it's awfully hard to smell
a rat there, either.

Earlier this month, a videotape of two WB shows was put
up for bids on the popular auction site eBay. It was a
rough cut of the two-episode arc involving Sarah
Michelle Gellar (of ``Buffy the Vampire Slayer'') and
David Boreanaz (of ``Buffy'' spinoff ``Angel''), which
aired in November. The auctioner had taken a picture of
the tape's mailer, clearly showing that it was the one
sent to television critics prior to airdate. In fact,
this exact mailer is sitting in my office.

As of this weekend, the bidding on the
``Buffy''-``Angel'' screener had reached $365.00.

In hindsight, I suppose I should've seen this coming.
After all, TV critics' tapes are limited editions; only
a couple hundred or so are sent out. They often feature
celebrities, and anything that is ``officially''
connected to a celebrity, especially in limited numbers,
is instantly deemed a ``collectible.'' By that logic,
every TV critic in the country is sitting on a potential
video gold mine.

The tape is one of several being auctioned by a
webmaster in northeastern Ohio who has quite a cottage
industry in collectibles on eBay. How she got ahold of
the review tapes is anyone's guess (and she hasn't
returned my e-mail).

Late last month, the same auctioner raised the ire of
CBS executives after selling the screener of a Ricky
Martin special that had just aired on the network. CBS
sent a warning out to the press that its tapes ``may not
be duplicated or sold'' and that scofflaws faced ``both
civil and criminal penalties.''

But if the tape-seller (or, more precisely, her critic
friend) is the most enterprising recipient of media
freebies, she's hardly alone. Try typing the words
``press kit'' into your favorite auction site and see
what comes up. There are hundreds being sold off at any
moment; one from ``Star Trek: The Next Generation'' was
fetching more than $150 last week.

And don't forget all those cute little collectible
tchotchkes given out to people who cover the business.
As a colleague who works in Hollywood told me recently,
``With just the items that are on my desk today, I could
make $5,000 if I sold them on eBay.''

He doesn't dare, of course, because his newspaper (and
mine) wouldn't hesitate to fire any employee who did.
But here is where the Web's X factor comes into play: it
ensures near-total anonymity for whoever needs it.

Which leads me to my other recent peeve, Andylives.org,
an allegedly ``underground'' Web site devoted to keeping
alive the memory of comedian Andy Kaufman. The site, we
are told, was erected by a band known as AKA (Andy
Kaufman's Army) for no other aim than to give fans of
the late star of ``Saturday Night Live'' and ``Taxi'' a
place to rant and pay tribute.

But as Sharon Waxman recently reported in The Washington
Post, Andylives.org was paid for with $100,000 from
Universal and was designed solely to promote Universal's
new movie about the life of Mr. Kaufman, ``Man on the
Moon,'' starring Jim Carrey.

One of the movie's producers told the Post that she and
others urged Universal to pursue this ``unconventional
approach'' because it would be a good source of buzz for
a movie thought to be buzz-deficient. The studio found
four self-proclaimed fans of Andy and signed them up,
telling them they could say what they wanted on the site
-- just don't sell ``Man on the Moon'' directly.

Andylives.org certainly carried out its marching orders
well. The front page opens with a long, rambling essay
about whether Mr. Kaufman really did die in 1984 of lung
cancer. ``But as you read this,'' it says, ``if you are
smart, you will probably consider that these very words
too are part of the conspiracy. Maybe Andy Kaufman is
writing them himself, or has employed us to do so. As
the web gets more and more intricate, all the more
satisfying the final joke will be. Right?'' Uh, right.

Discerning surfers can probably see through the ruse.
For one thing, despite its highly polished appearance,
Andylives.org is remarkably light on the things that
make up your average fansite: photos, episode guides,
news, etc.

``Not only were they totally clueless about Andy, but
their profane, hip-hop-influenced Generation X ramblings
were a total disgrace,'' says Brian Momchilov, whose
outstanding site (andykaufman.jvlnet.com) is everything
Andylives.org isn't.

``I've worked hard for many years to create and maintain
The Andy Kaufman Home Page and I was highly offended by
Universal's bogus `andy fan' website and its pathetic
attempt as a marketing ploy,'' Mr. Momchilov says.
(Needless to say, he was not contacted by Universal
prior to the film's release.)

Pathetic or not, it's obvious to me that this ``Man on
the Moon'' campaign is just the beginning. I fully
expect to see bogus home pages cooked up this summer to
promote new fall TV series, created by anonymous
``fans'' with untraceable e-mail addresses. Worse,
because studios can afford the time and expense to
promote the site online, these pages will likely pop up
on search engines everywhere, annoying us for years
after the actual shows are cancelled.

By the way, have you seen the press kit for ``Man on the
Moon''? It comes with a 45 single, red vinyl. The A side
is the theme from ``Mighty Mouse'' (used in Andy's most
famous comedy bit), the B side is R.E.M.'s ``Man on the
Moon.'' A real collectible. Yours for $26 on eBay.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

Monday, January 10: in 1964, the U.S. version of "That
Was the Week That Was" makes its weekly debut with Henry
Morgan, Margaret Hamilton, Nancy Ames (the "TW3" girl),
a roving report from "special correspondent" Robert
Frost (who commuted between this and the BBC version)
and Berlin Wall hand ballet. Tom Lehrer, who filled an
entire album with his contributions to the show, won't
appear until June.

Tuesday, January 11: in 1995, the "Dubba Dubba
Dubba-Ya-B" network leapfrogs onto the air with "The
Wayans Bros.", "Unhappily Ever After", and the bomb
"Muscle." "Muscle's" supporting cast included Adam West,
"Caroline In the City's" Amy Pietz and two future "Spin
City" stars, Michael Boatman and Alan Ruck.

Wednesday, January 12: in 1981, very little happens on
the first episode of "Dynasty." Blake Carrington marries
his former secretary Krystle Jennings, while Krystle's
ex-lover Matthew Blaisdel gets back together with his
wife and child (who happen to be fighting) and also goes
into business with Walter Lankershim, while Jeff Colby
tries to put the moves on Fallon.

Thursday, January 13: in 1989, Rosie O'Donnell
temporarily has to get a life, when her all-time
favorite soap opera "Ryan's Hope" ends after 13 1/2
years on ABC. Matron Maeve Ryan (Helen Gallagher) sings
one last sentimental song at the tavern, the sentimental
"Danny Boy."

Friday, January 14: in 1990, society ends as we know it
with the series debut of that awful moral sewer known as
"The Simpsons." In "Bart, The Genius," our underachiever
cheats by switching papers with class brain Martin, and
winds up in classes at the Enriched Learning Center for
Gifted Children.

Sunday, January 16: in 1981, NBC looks to two famous
fictional characters to save its lineup: a single mom
and an orchid-sniffin' detective. Barbara Eden stars in
a role conjured by a Jeannie (singer Jeannie C. Reiley
with Tom T. Hall), as she plays Stella Johnson, a mother
who socked it to the "Harper Valley P.T.A." The movie
was only a mild success in theaters, but knocked 'em
dead in its television premiere and led to a TV series.
As for the detective, that was William Holden as "Nero
Wolfe" in the case of "The Golden Spiders," originally
written by Rex Stout in 1953.

[Thanks to David Tanny, teeffer2@...,
achimes@..., Brooks McNeil, and Marsh. Celebrate
ten seasons of The Simpsons, starting Tuesday at Tom
Heald's "Test Patterns" website,
<http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 1/10 Kate Winslet, Ice Cube
Tu 1/11 Woody Harrelson, 11-year-old hero Shawn Presser, Filter
We 1/12 Harry Connick Jr., Art Donovan
Th 1/13 Kelly Monteith, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Fr 1/14 Regis Philbin, director Mark Borchardt

Mo 1/17 Jonny Moseley
Tu 1/18 Freddie Prinze Jr., Jessica Lange, Alan Jackson
We 1/19 Jeff Bridges, Robert Klein, Warren Zevon
Th 1/20 Nathan Lane, Paul Thomas Anderson
Fr 1/21 Eurythmics


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 1/10 Antonio Banderas, Hilary Swank
Tu 1/11 Anne Heche, Chris Matthews, Savage Garden
We 1/12 Jessica Lange, Topher Grace, Clint Black, Steve Wariner
Th 1/13 Denzel Washington, Lucy Liu, Foo Fighters
Fr 1/14 David Arquette, Emily Watson, Ainsley Harriott

Mo 1/17 Arnold Schwarzenegger, Garth Brooks (R 11/22/99)
Tu 1/18 George Clooney, the Durst quadruplets, Joan Osborne (R 9/30/99)
We 1/19 Tom Hanks, John Glenn, Puff Daddy (R 11/23/99)
Th 1/20 Rerun TBA
Fr 1/21 Johnny Depp, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sugar Ray (R 11/18/99)


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 1/10 Dennis Franz, Brad Garrett
Tu 1/11 Jane Seymour, Brad Whitford, Tonic
We 1/12 Ice Cube, Eric Close
Th 1/13 Dick Clark, Penelope Ann Miller
Fr 1/14 Deborah Unger

Mo 1/17 David Boreanaz
Tu 1/18 Suzanne Somers
We 1/19 Craig Ferguson


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 1/10 Diana Krall, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Michael Boatman (R 8/20/99)
Tu 1/11 Freddie Prinze Jr., John C. Reilly
We 1/12 Tony Robbins
Th 1/13 Angelina Jolie, Upright Citizens Brigade
Fr 1/14 Winona Ryder, Wilco

Mo 1/17 Anthony Michael Hall, Steven Wright, boxer Mia St. John (R 10/6/99)
Tu 1/18 Molly Shannon, Larry David, Eve (R 10/5/99)
We 1/19 D.B. Sweeney, Elisabeth Shue, Kyle Dunnigan (R 10/7/99)
Th 1/20 Rosie O'Donnell, Serena Williams, Louis Theroux (R 10/13/99)
Fr 1/21 Judd Nelson, Will Ferrell, Tori Amos (R 10/14/99)


LATER, NBC
Mo 1/10 Guest & host TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 1/10 Former Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres, The New Yorker's Joe Klein
and Peter Boyer


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 1/10 Penn Jillette, Penelope Ann Miller, Maggie Gallagher, Tony Hawk
Tu 1/11 Paul Provenza, Jane Seymour, Kevin Keating, Rep. Joe Scarborough
We 1/12 Betsy Hart, Chuck Woolery
Th 1/13 Carol Alt, Mike Siegal, Ice Cube, Bernie Mac
Fr 1/14 Dick Clark, Melanie C., Darren Hayes

Mo 1/17 Bishop Earl Jackson, Laila Ali
Tu 1/18 Angie Everhart
We 1/19 TBA
Th 1/20 Dinesh D'Souza, Dick Butkus
Fr 1/21 Joey McIntyre


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 1/10 Joe Montana
Tu 1/11 Will Ferrell
We 1/12 Ice Cube
Th 1/13 Michael Stipe


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HB0
Su 1/16 1:00 AM The Reverend Al Sharpton, Les Nubians
Su 1/23 11:40 PM Iyanla Vanzant, Mobb Deep
Su 1/30 12:45 AM Ken Hamblin, Meshell Ndegecello
     HBO Zone (nightly reruns) 11 PM
Mo 1/10 Spike Lee, D'Angelo
Tu 1/11 Allen Iverson, Red hot Chili Peppers
We 1/12 The Reverend Al Sharpton, Les Nubians
Th 1/13 Iyanla Vanzant, Mobb Deep
Fr 1/14 Ken Hamblin, Meshell Ndegecello


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 1/14 Seth Green on Child Actors (reruns Su 1/16 on HBO Plus)
Fr 1/21 Carl Reiner, topic TBA
     HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/10 Molly Ivins on What's right with America (12/30/94)
Tu 1/11 Charlie Sheen on Criticism (1/06/95)
We 1/12 Fran Lebowitz on Civility (1/13/95)
Th 1/13 Sharon Stone on Women in Hollywood (1/20/95)
Fr 1/14 Rep. Pat Schroeder on GOP's 1st Hundred Days (4/07/95)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/10 "The Beginning of the End" Jon Stewart, Colin Hay (3/22/98)
Tu 1/11 "As My Career Lay Dying" Lea Thompson, Bob Costas, Jim Gray, Fred De
Cordova, Pat Sajak, Andy Williams, Donny Osmond  (3/29/98)
We 1/12 "Pilots and Pens Lost" Dave Chapelle, Bridget Fonda, Jonathan Katz
(4/5/98)
Th 1/13 "The Interview" Vince Vaughn, Jim Belushi, Ben Folds Five, Maureen
O'Boyle, David Spade, David Paymer (4/12/98)
Fr 1/14 "Adolf Hankler" Jon Stewart, Jason Alexander, Kristen Johnston,
Wu-Tang Clan (4/19/98)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 1/15 "Mambo No. 6" parody involving "President Clinton," "Mistake of Your
Life" starring "Jennifer Love Hewitt"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 1/10 "Like Chickens...Delicious Chickens" - Reparations Open, Bugged Drug
Deal, Rich Guy Negative Ads, The Great Hemingway, Most Trusted News Team, Fat
Survivor, Civil War Re-Enactments, Home Shopping Close
Tu 1/11 "Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions" - Ratings Warning Cold Open, Ratings
Child Open, Debate, Music Offer, Inside The Actor, Earthshoes, Teardrop
Awards, Shrunken Mr. Show Close
We 1/12 "Patriotism, Pepper, and Professionalism" - Resort Cold Open,
Executive Open, Money Warning, Weeklong Romance, Marilyn Monster, Praying
Machines, Info Jimmy, Goodbye, Vendetta, Info Jimmy
Th 1/13 "The Cry of a Hungry Baby" Entitilitus, HItler sings, guys in,
A**hole at party, Change for a dollar, Ronnie Dobbs, Incubation Pants
Fr 1/14 "What to Think" w/ Janeane Garafolo - Arts runding, Tracking collar,
Ole Swerdlow, Books for seniors, Good News, Jesus and Marshall,
Announcements, Commercials of the Future, The Joke : The Musical


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 1/10 Sue Johanson, Host of the Sunday Night Sex Show on WTN; musical guest
Blue Rodeo
Tu 1/11 Peter Jordan Host of CBC T.V.'s It's a Living
We 1/12 Bert Archer, Author and columnist Book: End of Gay; Sandra Bezic
Skating Choreographer
Th 1/13 *Graham Kerr Aka The Galloping Gourmet, now host of The Gathering
Place


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 1/15 : Freddie Prinze Jr. / Macy Gray
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 1/10 1 PM & Midnight Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell
(1997-'98) Oprah & Marv Albert, Rocky's Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita
Delvecchio, Car Crash victims who hate the host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet
Reno,  Fun With Real Audio : Casablanca,  Cinder Calhoun;  6 PM Garry
Shandling / Los Lobos (1986-'87) Iran-Contra hearings. host screws up a
department store
Tu 1/11 1 PM & Midnight Roseanne / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber
Band (1990-'91) Mr. Subliminal, MetroCard, Misery II, Pat, Happy Fun Ball,
Comedy Killers Victoria's Secrets;  6 PM Sigourney Weaver / Buster Poindexter
+ Madonna + Christopher Durang (1986-'87) - Church Chat, Quiz Masters, Mr.
Subliminal, Derek Stevens, Tommy Flanagan, Alienses
We 1/12 1 PM Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes (1990-'91) Back From The Future,
America's Most Wanted, A. Whitney Brown, Daily Affirmation, Sting's elevator
fans;  6 PM Robin Williams / James Taylor (1987-'88) Pumping Up with Hanz &
Franz, Robin Williams at age 60;  8 PM & 2 AM The Best of Eddie Murphy
Th 1/13 1 PM & Midnight Jeremy Irons / Fishbone + Razor Ruddock (1990-'91)
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, McIntosh Jr. Makin' Copies!, Wayne's World
Oscar picks Sherlock Holmes, Chris Rock on New Jack City, "Football Days" --
a Jennifer Meyer film;  6 PM Dennis Hopper / Roy Orbison (1986-'87) Church
Chat, What's That Smell?, McSooshi, The Sweeney Sisters end-of-summer Medley,
Tommy Flanagan, A. Whitney Brown addresses the class of '87
Fr 1/14 1 PM Kirstie Alley / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers + Ted Danson,
Woody Harrelson, George Wendt, Kelsey Grammer (1992-'93) The Friendly
Italians, Coffee Talk, It's Pat!, Look Who Else Is Talking Also;  6 PM John
Larroquette / Randy Newman (1988-'89) Dukakis the Alien, King Of The Studio,
Portrait Of The Artist, Vernon Hawley, Jr., This Old House, Gay Communist Gun
Club;  10 PM Anthony Edwards / Foo Fighters (1995-'96) Swabby, Grimaldi's
nativity scene, The Joe Pesci Show, Mary Katherine Gallagher, G-Dog, Spade in
America, Princess Di interview, The Hulk Hogan Talk Show!!!;  11 PM Mariel
Hemingway / Blues Traveler (1995-'96) O.J. Today, Ad, Nightline, Leg Up,
Spade in America, Biography, Chicken Lady
Sa 1/15 11 AM Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger / UB40 + Billy & Steve Baldwin
(1993-'94) Family Feud, Canteen Boy, Pyramid Of Painloss, Hyperactive
Phillip, Tiny Elvis;  4 PM Christopher Walken / Arrested Development
(1992-'93) Jiffy Express, Sinead Talks, It's Pat;  6 PM Joe Pesci / Spin
Doctors + Robert DeNiro & Martin Scorsese (1992-'93) - Presidential debate,
Pinky Ring, Single White Person (with Pat!), Zorida
Su 1/16 11 AM & 7 PM The Best of Eddie Murphy


TRACEY TAKES ON...,
     HBO
Mo 1/10 1 PM Romance (1/24/96)
Fr 1/14 6 AM Romance (1/24/96)
Su 1/16 2 PM Romance (1/24/96)
     HBO Comedy nightly @ 10:30 PM
Mo 1/10 Erotica (2/3/99)*
Tu 1/11 Books (2/10/99)*
We 1/12 Road Rage (2/17/99)*
Th 1/13 America (2/24/99)*
Fr 1/14 Hype (3/3/99)*
     HBO Plus (reruns)
Mo 1/10  5:30am Scandal (1/20/99)
     HBO Signature, (Reruns)
Th 1/13 12 PM Hair (1/20/99)


"TURN BEN STEIN ON" Comedy Central
Th 1/13 10:30 PM & Sa 1/15 1:30 PM Fred Willard and politico Susan Estrich on
"Power in Hollywood vs. Power in Washington"

UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 1/10 10:30PM & Sa 1/15 1:30AM The UCB gathers human oddities, including a
businessman with a baby head hand.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Jan. 3-9, 2000
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------



I haven't had much inclination to produce a list of the
"greatest TV shows of the 1990s.'' Nor have you shown
much interest in my producing one. The main problem with
such lists is that they don't do anybody any good. You
can't just go down to Blockbuster and pick out the first
six episodes of "Nothing Sacred'' or "I'll Fly Away''
and take them home. Nor can you dial them up on
pay-per-view, although that will probably change in a
few years, when the Internet and television merge and
just about anything that moves will be downloadable for
a price.

For now, however, you're stuck with the reruns that TV
stations or cable channels are willing to pay to put on
their air, and that's not many.  (A tip of the hat here
to Bravo, the one cable channel that's willing to feature
critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful
shows.  It is bringing back David Lynch's "Twin Peaks" in
February.)

However, there was one list I came across that I think
is noteworthy. It appears in the back of the new edition
of that indispensable reference book, _The Complete
Directory to Prime Time Network and Cable TV Shows
1946-Present_ by Tim Brooks and Earle Marsh. Over the
years Brooks and Marsh have kept a tally of what they
call "TV's greatest hits," using a secret (but not that
complicated) formula that assigns points to each TV show
based on its popularity and durability. It's one way to
measure a show's long-term impact on the mass culture,
and looking back at the 1990s, it offers some surprising
results on which shows were the "greatest,'' at least as
far as the viewing public was concerned.

Atop the list is "60 Minutes," the CBS newsmagazine
that, according to the authors, will likely never be
dethroned, because it's been on forever and it's always
in the Top 10. "Sixty" is far in front of the all-time
No. 2 hit show, "Gunsmoke," which was on for 20 years
and was once thought to be untoppable. Sixth all-time is
"The Wonderful World of Disney," another Sunday-night
staple that ranks second if you take only shows that
aired in the '90s.

Here's the list of the decade's top 11 shows according
to the Brooks-Marsh index, with their all-time ranking
in parenthesis:

"60 Minutes" (1); "Walt Disney" (6); "Murder, She Wrote"
(9); "Cheers" (11); "The Cosby Show" (13); "Roseanne"
(15); "Home Improvement" (16); "Seinfeld" (28); "20/20"
(29); "The Golden Girls" (33); "ER" (34).

Note the relatively low ranking for "Seinfeld."  Viewers
may forget that "Seinfeld" was a ratings success for
only part of its run. It originally was scheduled on
Wednesday nights, where it got its clock cleaned
regularly by "Home Improvement." Then Tim Allen moved to
Tuesday nights and continued strong, while Jerry
Seinfeld got a reprieve and a coveted scheduling on
Thursday nights. Years later, we think of "Seinfeld" as
the cultural phenomenon while "Home Improvement" -- a
show that ranked in Nielsen's Top 10 for every one of
its eight seasons -- is dismissed as a lightweight.

Rightly so, many of you say. But as someone who always
preferred "Home Improvement" to "Seinfeld," I must admit
the Brooks-Marsh list gives me a small reason to cheer.
"Seinfeld" is an artfully constructed sitcom that won't
be duplicated again. (Look at Peter Mehlman, the author
of many famous "Seinfeld" scripts, who tried to recast
the mold with another sitcom, "It's Like, You Know...",
on ABC. It didn't last the year.) The sparkling dialogue
and storylines of "Seinfeld" nearly always built to a
comic cadence other sitcoms could only dream of pulling
off.

The best thing you could say about "Home Improvement"
was that it was a really well-done family comedy -- and
yet there's something to be said for that. I enjoy
watching shows with characters I like and occasionally
admire. Tim Allen's and especially Barbara Richardson's
characters had that warmth and a certain chemistry that
kept going from one predictable setup to the next. There
wasn't a character like that on "Seinfeld," and if there
were, I suppose he or she would be made the object of
endless jokes from Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer or all
of the above. After a while, though, all that
indifference, petulance and eccentricity can get to be
grating, even in a brilliant show. Never was that more
the case than in the unfunny and xenophobic "Puerto
Rican Day Parade" episode that was the second-to-last
"Seinfeld" written.

Today, both shows are out of production and airing
nightly in syndicated reruns, where "Home Improvement"
is doing okay but "Seinfeld" continues to be strong. It
will likely become an "evergreen," which is syndication
lingo for a show that sells year after year (like
"Entertainment Tonight" or reruns of "M*A*S*H"). Of
course, you don't need Brooks and Marsh to measure an
evergreen -- Hollywood's accountants do that every day.


***

"Late Show with David Letterman" will be taking a page
from the "Tonight Show" handbook and turning over the
stage to standup comics with alarming frequency this
week. On the playbill are first-timers Adam Ferrara
(Tuesday), Dan Naturman (Wednesday) and Sue Murphy
(Thursday) and second-timer Andy Kindler (Friday).
Kicking off the week, and making his 25th appearance
with Dave, is the inevitable Jake Johanssen, and I think
I speak for all Americans when I say -- was George
Miller busy that night? ...

ABC crowed Sunday that 175 million viewers watched parts
of its "ABC 2000" marathon Friday, compared with 65
million "who watch some or all of ABC's schedule on a
regular broadcast day." That appeared to contradict an
earlier report that "most Americans" celebrated New
Year's Eve without TV's help, a report that was based on
prime-time numbers only and conveniently overlooked the
fact that public TV watching (bars, dorms, etc.) isn't
counted by Nielsen ... As you'll see in the Nielsen
overnights posted to the TV Barn Web site, "ABC 2000" won prime
time with an 11.7 rating compared with a 6.2 for NBC and
a lowly 4.8 for CBS ...

Comedy Central has livened up its Sunday night animation
block with repeats of "Duckman," the lovingly deranged
detective cartoon starring the voice of Jason Alexander,
at 11:30 p.m. following "South Park" ... 1999 was a
record year for pay per view events, with nearly $2
billion in revenue, with PPV movies accounting for half
of that total ($1 billion), followed by boxing/wrestling
events and concerts ($486M) and porno ($387M). A big
reason, according to Showtime Events, which released the
results: More people are subscribing to satellite TV and
digital cable, both of which make PPV easier and cheaper
than ever.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, January 3: in 1991, it's a Very Special Episode
	 of "Blossom" -- its first as a series. Blossom reaches
	 puberty, and gets Very Special Advice from Very Special
	 Guest Star Phylicia Rashad.

	 Tuesday, January 4: in 1969, NBC manages to make
	 "Hollywood Squares" even more juvenile by dressing the
	 stars up as characters from children's literature and
	 popular films, letting kids compete for fabulous toy
	 prizes -- and airing "The Storybook Squares" as part of
	 its Saturday morning lineup.

	 Wednesday, January 5: in 1961,
	 the-artist-formerly-known-as- "Bamboo Harvester" makes
	 his debut in syndication as "Mister Ed." In this very
	 first episode, Wilbur Post makes an astonishing
	 discovery -- his horse can talk. CBS will pick up the
	 show 26 episodes into its run in October.

	 Thursday, January 6: in 1973, educational TV gets down
	 and funky with "Schoolhouse Rock," although most of the
	 songs really play more like jazz. The
	 two-minute-and-fifty-eight-second marvel that started
	 the "Rock" rolling? "Three is a Magic Number."

	 Friday, January 7: in 1982, the kids from the High
	 School for the Performing Arts try to make good on their
	 threat to live forever as NBC turns "Fame" into a weekly
	 series. Debbie Allen, Lee Curreri, Albert Hague and Gene
	 Anthony Ray reprise their roles from the movie.

	 Saturday, January 8: in 1995, Fox decides foolishly to
	 revive "Get Smart" with Maxwell Smart and Agent (now
	 Congresswoman) 99's son Zach Smart fighting crime just
	 as ineptly as his father had 25 years earlier. The
	 revival only produces seven episodes, but its
	 not-so-smart young hero -- Andy Dick -- bounces back
	 quickly and is seen only a month later as Matthew Brock
	 on "NewsRadio."

	 Sunday, January 9: in 1984, Clara Peller, Mildred Lane,
	 and Elizabeth Shaw stare at a tiny hamburger on a huge
	 bun. The hard-of-hearing Peller barks three words which
	 will earn her over a half a million dollars: "Where's
	 the beef?" The Wendy's hamburger chain will later drop
	 Peller in 1985 after she claims she's "found" the beef
	 somewhere else -- "Prego Plus" spaghetti sauce.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny and Brooks, Marsh & MacNeil. Tom
	 Heald has spent the last two weeks suffering from a
	 violent case of Influenza-A. His new "Test Patterns"
	 website is finally up at
	 <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 1/3 Jeff Daniels, Jake Johannsen
Tu 1/4 Lauren Bacall, Kurt Warner, comic Adam Ferrara
We 1/5 Bill Pullman, Dan Naturman
Th 1/6 George Stephanopoulos, comic Sue Murphy
Fr 1/7 Paul Thomas Anderson, Andy Kindler
Mo 1/10 Kate Winslet, Ice Cube
Tu 1/11 Woody Harrelson, Filter
We 1/12 Harry Connick Jr., Art Donovan
Th 1/13 Kelly Monteith, Lynyrd Skynyrd


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 1/3 Dennis Rodman, Charlize Theron, Martina McBride
Tu 1/4 William H. Macy, Linda Cardellini, comic John Pinette
We 1/5 Tim Robbins, psychic Uri Geller, Aimee Mann
Th 1/6 Hallie Eisenberg, Ethan Hawke
Fr 1/7 Eddie Cibrian, Jenny McCarthy
Mo 1/10 Antonio Banderas, Hilary Swank
Tu 1/11 Anne Heche, Chris Matthews, Savage Garden
We 1/12 Jessica Lange, Topher Grace


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 1/3 Jeff Bezos, Chuck Woolery
Tu 1/4 Diane Lane, David Brenner
We 1/5 William H. Macy
Th 1/6 Tim Robbins, Tara Lipinski
Fr 1/7 Carol Alt
Mo 1/10 Dennis Franz, Brad Garrett
Tu 1/11 Jane Seymour
We 1/12 Ice Cube, Eric Close
Th 1/13 Dick Clark, Penelope Ann Miller
Fr 1/14 Deborah Unger


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 1/3 Sarah Michelle Gellar, Garth Brooks (R 9/28/99)
Tu 1/4 Joe Montana, Ruth Gerson
We 1/5 animal expert Clyde Peeling, Samm Levine
Th 1/6 TBA
Fr 1/7 Bill Pullman, Rich Hall
Mo 1/10 Diana Krall, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Michael Boatman (R 8/20/99)
Tu 1/11 John C. Reilly
We 1/12 Tony Robbins
Th 1/13 Angelina Jolie, Upright Citizens Brigade


LATER, NBC
Mo 1/3 Guest and host TBA


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 1/3 U.S. Ambassador to France Felix Rohatyn, author Cornel West


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 1/3 Elayne Boosler, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Amy Alkon
Tu 1/4 Dennis Prager, Coolio, Marilu Henner, Bai Ling
We 1/5 Steve Harvey, Shae D'Lyn, Rep. Matt Solmon, Dee Dee Myers
Th 1/6 Niger Innis, Sen. Robert Torricelli
Fr 1/7 Adam West, Majandra Delfino, Daryl "Chill" Mitchell, Rep. Joe Scarborough
Mo 1/10 Penn Jillette, Penelope Ann Miller, Maggie Gallagher


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 1/3 Jewel (R 12/21/99)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW
     HB0
Su 1/2 2 AM Spike Lee, D'Angelo
Su 1/9 12:05 AM Allen Iverson, Red hot Chili Peppers
     HBO Zone (nightly reruns) 11 PM
Mo 1/3 Adam Sandler and musical guest Faith Evans (10/27/98)
Tu 1/4 Activist Ward Connerly and comedian Don "D.C." Curry (11/6/98)
We 1/5 Magic Johnson and rapper Method Man (11/13/98)
Th 1/6 San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown
Fr 1/7 Lisa Nicole Carson and The Beastie Boys (11/27/98)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE
     HBO
Fr 1/7 Tim Robbins on The Two Party System (reruns Su 1/9 Midnight on HBO
Plus)
Fr 1/14 Seth Green on Child Actors (reruns Su 1/16 on HBO Plus)
Fr 1/21 Carl Reiner, topic TBA
     HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/3 Jerry Seinfeld on Inefficiency (11/25/94)
Tu 1/4 Garry Shandling on Schadenfreud (12/02/94)
We 1/5 Henry Rollins on Angry People (12/09/94)
Th 1/6 Martina Navratilova on Homosexuality (12/16/94)
Fr 1/7 Bob Costas on Pro Sports Strikes (12/23/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 1/3 "The Book" Dana Delany, B Kirby, Marlee Matlin, Brooke Shields (2/5/97)
Tu 1/4  "Pain Equals Funny" Kirk Baily, Jenica Bergere, Suli McCullough
(2/12/97)
We 1/5 "The Roast" Kip Addotta, Dana Carvey, Norm Crosby, Al Franken, Bruno
Kirby, Bill Maher, Carl Reiner, Jon Stewart, Carrot Top, Bob Odenkirk, David
Paymer (2/19/97)
Th 1/6  "Larry's New Love" Jeff Foxworthy, Daisy Fuentes, Warren Littlefield,
Paul Westerberg (2/26/97)
Fr 1/7  "Another List" Winona Ryder, Jon Stewart, Smashmouth (3/15/98)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 1/8 musical group 98 Degrees, "The Three Tenors," Alex Borstein and Will
Sasso's celebrity interviews from the Billboard Music Awards


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 1/3 "Rudy Will Await Your Foundation" - Blooper Open, Phone Sex, Audition,
Prenatal Pageant, Burgundy Loaf, Fenchie Delivers, Cold Puking Close
Tu 1/4 "The Story Of Everest" - Sweetie Pie Open, Rapist, Clumsy Waiter,
Pallies, Food Ads, Everest, Sweetie Pie Close
We 1/5 "It's Perfectly Understandishable" - Rehearsal Open, Those Amazing
Actors, Blind Girl, Emergency Psychic Hotline, Dalai Lama, Monk Academy,
Chimp Close
Th 1/6 "It's Insane this Guy's Taint!" - Speakers Open, Intervention,
Ka-Ching, Stop Change Thieves, Men's Club of Allah, Be Kind Rewind,
Windbreaker, Taint
Fr 1/7 "Eat Rotten Fruit From a Sh**ty Tree" - Water Cooler Open, Marty
Farty, Date With The Queen, Spite Marriage, God's Book On Tape, Monster Mash,
Coffee Hunt Close


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 1/3 actor Anthony Anderson; Michael Healey, Winner of Governor Generalis
Drama Award, musical guest Brian McKnight
Tu 1/4 Ron MacLean, Host of CBCis Hockey Night; Jennifer Podemski Riverdale,
host of Aboriginal Achievers on APTN; musical guest Charlie Major
We 1/5 wrestler Edge, Toby Styles, Friend of the show from Toronto Zoo, final
appearance, retiring and off to Africa Bringing a reindeer; musical guest Len

Th 1/6 Best-selling sci-fi writer William Gibson; comic and author Bob Smith;
musical guest The Skydiggers; and sitting in with the band, Graeme Kirkland
and Ashley MacIsaac
Fr 1/7 model/actress Carol Alt; Arthur Black, CBC Radio host of Basic Black;
musical guest Amanda Marshall


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 1/8 Jamie Foxx Blink 182
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck
     Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 1/3 1 PM & Midnight Kyle MacLachlan / Sinead O'Connor (1990-'91)
Sprockets, Twin Peaks, one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken; 6 PM Steve
Martin / Sting (1987-'88) The Untouchables, "I Bite Down Hard," Common
Knowledge, The NFL Today, "I Am Not A Bimbo," Bullets Aren't Cheap
Tu 1/4 1 PM & Midnight Patrick Swayze / Mariah Carey + Lisa Niemi (1990-'91)
Dirty Square Dancing, Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, Chippendale tryouts, The
Tonight Show; 6 PM Sean Penn / LL Cool J (1987-'88) Fatal Attraction II,
Pitman & Bullock, Church Chat, Teeny Cafe, Wall Street Week, Discover with
Peter Graves
We 1/5 1 PM & Midnight George Steinbrenner / The Time (1990-'91) Middle-Aged
Man, Winston-McCauley Funeral Home, The wimpy Boss, What Was I Thinking?; 6
PM Robert Mitchum / Simply Red (1987-'88) The Rolling Paper Chase, Ad:
Compulsion, Death Be Not Deadly, The Mountain Man, The Big Picture, Sweeney
sisters, Out of Gas, Andre & Rex, BeautyBath
Th 1/6 1 PM & Midnight Sting (1990-'91) Wayne's World, The Sinatra Group,
elevator ride, Makin' Copies, one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken, Coffee
Talk with Paul Baldwin; 6 PM Danny DeVito / Brian Ferry (1987-'88) Reagan &
gives Gorbachev Siskel & Ebert, Church Chat, Eddie Spimozo's Jungle Room, Ann
Landers' Playhouse
Fr 1/7 1 PM Kevin Bacon / INXS (1990-'91) Desert Storm press briefing, Makin'
Copies, The Dark Side with Nat X, Daily Affirmation, Sarcastic Clapping
Family Of Southhampton; 6 PM Angie Dickinson / David Gilmour / Buster
Poindexter (1987-'88) Translator, Donahue, Wedgie Fever!, Police Women, The
Assimilated Jew's Hanukkah; 8 PM The Best of Saturday Night Live Starring:
Justine Batemen, Robin Williams, Danny Devito, Candice Bergen, Steve Martin,
Carl Weathers and Terence Trent D'arby; 9:30PM Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms
(1995-'96) Leg Up, Actors Studio, Roxbury Guys, Spade in America, Unfrozen
Caveman Lawyer; 10:30PM Dana Carvey / Edie Brickell & Paul Simon (1994-'95)
The Real President Bush, Virtual Reality Books, Johnny Carson at the O.J.,
Ross Perot's Halloween, Hans & Franz, The master pepper miller, the Nobel
Prizes, Mike Judge's Milton
Sa 1/8 11 AM Martin Lawrence / Crash Test Dummies (1993-'94)Jeff Gillooly,
Daily Affirmation, Hollywood Minute, Thugs; 4 PM Jason Patric / Blind Melon +
Richard Simmons (1993-'94) Don Lapre, Mister Intense, NFL, Coffee Talk,
Where's The Rest Of Me?, Herlihy Boy; 6 PM Sara Gilbert / Counting Crows
(1993-'94) HiberNol, Simon, Gap girls, Blossom, Adam Sandler's "Lunch Lady
Land," Rob Schneider's Girlfriend Theater, EuroDisney, 20 Questions With
Bryant Gumbel;  8 PM Robin Williams / James Taylor (1987-'88) Pumping Up with
Hanz & Franz, Robin Williams at age 60
Su 1/9 Noon  Rosie O'Donnell / James Taylor + Casey Kasem (1993-'94) The
Packwood Diaries, Sinatra Duets, Daily Affirmation, Dick Clark's
receptionist, The Tomboy & The Sissy, Tom Schiller's "Will Work For Food";  1
PM Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band (1995-'96) Unabomer, Mary Katherine
Gallagher, The Princess & The Homeboy, Spartan Spirits, Spade in America, Joe
Blow news;  2 PM Courtney Cox / Dave Mathews Band (1994-'95) Matt Foley, Good
Morning Brooklyn, The Gap girls on Jeopardy, Replacement Baseball, His Muse;
3 PM Neve Campbell / David Bowie (1996-'97) Suel Forrester, Delicious Dish,
Fun With Real Audio- State of the Union address, Spartan Spirits, Janet
Reno's Dance Party, Hollywood Minute, 20/20, Gossiping Gestapo, Adventures of
the White Trash Disaster Trailer;  4 PM Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow + David L.
Lander (1996-'97) Mary Katherine Gallagher, Suel Forrester, Fun With Real
Audio - Perot & Larry King, Mickey The Dyke;  5 PM Pamela Lee / Rollins Band
+ Tommy Lee (1996-'97) Spartan Spirits, Tiger Woods Biography, Roxbury Guys,
Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Oprah, Larry King;  6 PM Sarah Jessica Parker
/ R.E.M. (1994-'95) host sings "Tomorrow", Eterna Rest coffin, Good Morning
Brooklyn, Confucius, The Casting Couch, WIzard of Oz, Michael O'Donoghue
eulogy;  7 PM Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson (1993-'94) - Coffee Talk,
Eych!, Wayne Campbell on Melrose Place, Sandler sings "Summer Love," Andy
Rooney, Orgasm Guy, "So Long, Farewell"


TRACEY TAKES ON..., HBO
Tu 1/4  4 PM Romance (1/24/96)
     HBO Comedy (nightly @ 10:30 PM)
Mo 1/3 Dating (1/13/99)
Tu 1/4 PM Drugs (1/(1/13/99)
We 1/5 Scandal (1/20/99)
Th 1/6 Hair (1/20/99)
Fr 1/7 Lies (1/27/99)
     HBO Plus
Fr 1/7  10:30 PM Hair (1/20/99)


TURN BEN STEIN ON, Comedy Central
Th 1/6 10:30 PM & Sa 1/8 1:30 PM Bill Nye "The Science Guy" and Playboy
Playmate Jody Ann Paterson on "The Science of Sex and Attraction"


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 1/3 10:30PM & Sa 1/8 1:30AM Wu-Tang Clan / two procrastinating bomb squad
officers seize an illegal dildo bong

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 2000 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Send news for and comments about this newsletter to
aaron@...

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Dec. 20-Jan. 2, 1999
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Happy holidays and see you in two weeks, provided ...
well, you know.

This week at the TV Barn: What is it with the
dot-coms and all their lookalike, forgettable
advertising (Monday)?  That's followed by a long
piece on Andy Kaufman (Tuesday) and one on the
Muppets (weekend).

***

Reader mail: Long-longtime reader David Gans writes,
"What's your take on the viability of 'Sports Night'?  I
thought it totally sucked that they took it off for
sweeps, and although I'm happy it comes back this week I
wonder if the network is gonna give it a chance to
thrive. It occurred to me that Sorkin, Schlamme et al.
have their hands full with the big hit 'The West Wing,'
so they might not be fighting as hard for 'Sports Night'
as they otherwise would?" Perhaps, but the onus
shouldn't have to fall on them to protect what is
obviously a distinctive and interesting show. NBC has
coddled clinkers like "Suddenly Susan" and "Veronica's
Closet" for years because every now and then, a breakout
hit emerges. And anyway, even "Suddenly Susan" is going
to make some money for the network in syndication. If
ABC believes in "Sports Night" like it says it does, but
needs to minimize its exposure, then it should ask for a
larger share of the syndication, and if Sorkin still
believes he has a show worth saving, he should grant
it ...

Another sitcom-related letter arrives from
toodef2see@..., who writes, "I guess it's not
surprising that I haven't heard or read much news about
'Just Shoot Me' on TV Barn, seeing how the once
promising show is now consistently floundering
hopelessly both in the ratings and in terms of
creativity.  It's really painful watching this show,
which was at one point considered to be one of the
possible heirs to 'Seinfeld's' throne.  The show now
seems to be lost somewhere between lame and contrived.
The writing is abysmal, the characters are the same as
they were three years ago -- one dimensional caricatures
-- and where there were some inspired episodes last year
before the whole supermodel thing started, there have
hardly seemed to be any this season.  For one of NBC's
supposedly Grade-A shows, on a par with 'Will & Grace,'
'Friends' and 'Frasier' (of the four, only 'Just Shoot
Me' lost its time period on Thanksgiving Day), how much
lower can the show sink without someone paying
attention?" ...

Joseph Nebus writes, "In your weekend picks this week
you write: 'When astronaut Gus Grissom panicked and
pulled the escape hatch on his space capsule ...' It is
wrong to say that Grissom panicked.  He followed the
post-splashdown checklist exactly as required up to the
point that the hatch blew open and the capsule began
sinking.  Indeed, at the time that the hatch blew he was
marking panels within the capsule, certainly not
something he would be doing if he were in a panic.  Note
also that Grissom was, after the Liberty Bell incident,
picked to command the first, experimental, flights of
both the Gemini and Apollo capsules, and he was
(informally) slated to command the first lunar landing
mission.  Astronauts, particularly in those days, did
not fly again, much less fly important missions as
Grissom was assigned to, if there were any black marks
against them -- note the grounding of Scott Carpenter,
Gordon Cooper, Rusty Schweickart, and Walter Cunningham,
all of those for even less important cause than losing
the capsule (Schweickart, ultimately, never flew again
because he got spacesick, surely the most trivial of all
reasons).

"It is also certain that Grissom did not blow the hatch.
  If he deliberately did so, it would have bruised his
hand.  This is known because Wally Schirra did
deliberately blow the hatch, and did injure his hand in
so doing.  Grissom's hand was uninjured.  In the
evaluation of the Liberty Bell flight, two separate
modes by which the hatch could blow by itself were
identified.

"Tom Wolfe's book The Right Stuff, and particularly its
movie adaptation, did a considerable amount of damage to
Grissom's reputation.  While both book and movie
accurately capture the feel of the times, according to
all reputable space historians, they do not accurately
reflect real events, and the portrayal of Grissom is one
of the spots in which they are most inaccurate" ...

And David Loehr writes, "I've noticed over the last few
months a number of people writing in about the annoying
'bugs' in the lower corner of the TV screen that
identify the channel for those out there so addled by
ADD that they've forgotten what they're watching.
Thought you'd like to know about a new and insidious bug
at the normally respectable History Channel.

"I tuned in to 'Modern Marvels' earlier this evening to
watch an interesting show about Las Vegas architecture.
But instead of the normal H logo, up came a continuously
spinning/undulating/dancing graphic to announce their
upcoming 'Great American History Quiz' hosted by Chevy
Chase.  First you'd see their logo, which would gyrate
into the quiz show's logo, then gyrate into the date and
time to catch the show,  and finally back to the H.

"Having gorged on the 15 days of '007' movies on the
Superstation (and believe me, am I ever tired of those
promos, much as I love John Cleese), I'd seen similarly
dancing bugs highlighting their websites, the marathons,
etc. But after one iteration, they'd vanish and go back
to the relatively unobtrusive SUPERSTATION in pale gray.
  Not so with the History Channel. Except for
commercials, the bug kept rotating and shifting and
Rubik-ing until I couldn't take it anymore and turned it
off, no matter how interesting the documentary may have
been.

"So here's the real question.  Are they called bugs
because they're cute or because they just bug the
viewers?"

***

Two Weeks of Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, December 20: in 1965, ABC introduces two new
	 game shows to help get you anything you're in the market
	 for. "Supermarket Sweep" with host Bill Malone lets you
	 shop for creampuffs, cheesecake, and hams, while "The
	 Dating Game" with Jim Lange lets you shop for, well,
	 creampuffs, cheesecake, and hams.

	 Tuesday, December 21: in 1974, one famous American
	 patriarch pays tribute to another as Henry Fonda hosts
	 "The Best of 'All in the Family,'" highlighting the
	 series' first 99 episodes.

	 Wednesday, December 22: in 1969, on "The Tonight Show,"
	 Shelley Winters tells Johnny Carson how sad it is that
	 Jerry Mathers was killed in action in Vietnam. Winters
	 had read a story reported by both the Associated Press
	 and UPI which mistook a soldier with a similar-sounding
	 name to TV's "the Beaver." Though his "death" became an
	 urban legend, Mathers actually did serve in an Air
	 National Guard unit for six years.

	 Thursday, December 23: in 1960, on "The Flintstones,"
	 Fred and Barney buy a drive-in restaurant without
	 telling their wives. What most of us remember from the
	 episdode is the song performed by their car-hops: "Here
	 we come on the run/With a burger on a bun/And a dab of
	 coleslaw on the side/Oh your taste we will tickle/With a
	 cold dill pickle/And all of our potatoes are French
	 fried-fried-fried!/Our burgers can't be beat/'cause we
	 grind our own meat/Grind grind grind grind grind/And as
	 you're on your way/ a tip upon our tray/We hope to find
	 find find find find!"

	 Friday, December 24: in 1951, Gian Carlo Menotti's
	 "Amahl and the Night Visitors" becomes the first opera
	 written directly for the small screen, for the "Hallmark
	 Hall of Fame." It becomes a December perennial.

	 Saturday, December 25, in 1978, science fiction fans
	 "don't panic" when the miniseries "The Hitchhiker's
	 Guide To The Galaxy" makes its British debut. The series
	 won't cross the Atlantic for two years.

	 Sunday, December 26: in 1986, after 35 years, "Search
	 for Tomorrow" ends with two main characters almost
	 finding it, as the newly married Patti Barron announces
	 to her neighbor Stu Bergman, "Tomorrow -- I can't wait."
	 Two years later, in 1988, fellow soap "The Young & the
	 Restless" begins an 11-year (and still counting) run as
	 America's most watched daytime drama.

	 Monday, December 27: in 1947, "Say kids, what time is
	 it?" Time for the kids in the "Peanut Gallery' to sing
	 off key and rather loudly. Nonetheless, it's the first
	 official episode of "The Howdy Doody Show," although the
	 character originated on Bob Smith's radio show "The
	 Triple B Ranch" and made his TV debut on NBC's "Puppet
	 Playhouse."

	 Tuesday, December 28: in 1992, although three networks
	 will air TV movies about the relationship between Amy
	 Fisher and Joey Buttafuocco, NBC leads the pack by a
	 mere four days with Noelle Parker as the handpicked lead
	 and Ed Marinaro as her lothario in "Amy Fisher: My
	 Story."

	 Wednesday, December 29: in 1967 (or for the really
	 picky, Stardate 4523.3), the starship Enterprise answers
	 a subspace distress call from Space Station K7, and
	 winds up ferrying a couple of tons of wheat, which soon
	 are eaten by "only the sweetest creature known to man,"
	 as the crew of "Star Trek" has "Trouble With Tribbles,"
	 recently voted the favorite episode of that series by
	 its fans.

	 Thursday, December 30: in 1963, Monty Hall offers for
	 the first time "Let's Make A Deal." Hall currently makes
	 the same offer on an internet shopping site.

	 Friday. December 31: in 1979, if you think the Y2K bug
	 is troubling, just look at the lineup for the 1979
	 edition of Dick Clark's "New Year's Rockin' Eve 1979":
	 Erin Moran of "Happy Days" and "The Dukes of Hazzard's"
	 John Schneider hosting the pretaped musical segments
	 with Blondie, Chic, Barry Manilow, the Oak Ridge Boys
	 and the Village People.

	 Saturday, January 1: in 1965, Soupy Sales rings in the
	 New Year by being fired (though later reinstated) after
	 he tells viewers to get their parent's wallets and take
	 out "those little green pieces of paper" with pictures
	 of Presidents on them, and send them in to him.

	 Sunday, January 2: in 1954, NBC gets demented with the
	 debut of "The Spike Jones Show." Millions of viewers
	 arrive each week with bells on to watch classical music
	 be tortured by bandleader Jones who's occasionally there
	 with bells on, even though he might be late.

	 Thanks to David Tanny, Brooks, March and McNeil. Tom
	 Heald is looking forward to seeing the new Andy
	 Kaufman movie, and later this week will have links and
	 last minute gift ideas involving Kaufman at his (still
	 being built) Test Patterns website
	 <http://members.aol.com/testpatterns>.


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 12/20: Tom Brokaw, Alex Kingston, Run-DMC
Tu 12/21: Emily Watson, Bruce Henderson, L.L. Cool J
We 12/22: Hallie Eisenberg, Marv Albert
Th 12/23: John Witherspoon, Darlene Love
Fr 12/24: Pre-empted

Mo 12/27: Lauren Bacall, Q-Tip
Tu 12/28: Isabella Rossellini
We 12/29: Heather Matarazzo
Th 12/30: Dick Clark, 100-year-old pilot Ralph Charles
Fr 12/31: The Brooklyn Philharmonic, stupid pet and stupid human tricks


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 12/20: Norm Macdonald, Embeth Davidtz, Cirque du Soleil
Tu 12/21: The Rockettes, Joan Embery and zoo animals, Jennifer Tilly
We 12/22: Winona Ryder, Shaquille O'Neal, Sixpence None the Richer
Th 12/23: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Smokey Robinson
Fr 12/24: Pre-empted

Mo 12/27: Brian Williams, adult inventors, Beth Hart
Tu 12/28: TBA
We 12/29: Haley Joel Osment, Al Green


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 12/20: Gina Phillips, comedians The Sklar Brothers
Tu 12/21: Kim Smith
We 12/22: Embeth Davidth
Th 12/23: Daryl "Chill" Mitchell
Fr 12/24: Pre-empted

Mo 12/27: Comedian Vinnie Favorito
Tu 12/28: Ben Stein


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 12/20: Salma Hayek, Roberto Benigni, Shemekia Copeland (R 12/16/98)
Tu 12/21: Tyra Banks, Alan Rickman, Matthew Sweet
We 12/22: Tom Brokaw, Jamie Foxx, Andy Blitz
Th 12/23: Sloan
Fr 12/24: Pre-empted

Mo 12/27: Tom Hanks, Roger Daltrey (R 12/10/98)
Tu 12/28: TBA
We 12/29: Andy Blitz
Th 12/30: Guster


LATER, NBC
Mo 12/20: Joe Flaherty; host Cory Kahaney
Tu 12/21: Beth Littleford; host Cory Kahaney
We 12/22: Ian Gomez; host Cory Kahaney
Th 12/23: Pat Kilbane; host Cory Kahaney

Mo 12/27: Dick Clark; host Cynthia Garrett
Tu 12/28: Foxy Brown; host Cynthia Garrett
We 12/29: Hugh Hefner; host Cynthia Garrett
Th 12/30: D.L. Hughley; host Cynthia Garrett


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 12/20: Millennium Special with Bill Clinton


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 12/20: Lakita Garth, Rob Lowe, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Arthur Kent
Tu 12/21: Lela Rochon, Pat Michaels, Harland Williams, Adam Werbach
We 12/22: Jake Busey, Dr. Irene Kassorla, Monique Powell
Th 12/23: Hal Sparks, Leeza Gibbons, Tom Fitton, Bif Naked
Fr 12/24: Lisa Ann Walter, Enrico Colantoni, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher

Mo 12/27: John Fugelsang, Rena Sofer, Bryan Kemper, Bishop John Spong
Tu 12/28: Kennedy, Tony Campolo, Rabbi Steven Z. Leder
We 12/29: Debbie Stoller, Susannah Breslin, Amy Holmes
Th 12/30: Millennium special with John Popper, Tom Arnold, Arianna
Huffington, Shelley Long, Gilbert Gottfried, Paul Rodriguez, Rod
Steiger, Michael McKean
Fr 12/31: Pre-empted


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 12/20: David Boreanz
Tu 12/21: Jerry Springer
We 12/22: George Carlin (R 12/16/99)
Th 12/23: Paul Rudd (R 12/9/99)


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0
Th 12/23 Midnight Marion Barry and musical guest Jay Z (r)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0 Plus (10:45 PM)
Tu 12/21 PM Marion Barry and musical guest Jay Z (r)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HBO Zone (reruns, 11PM)
Mo 12/20 NJ Nets Jayson Williams and comedian Melanie
Tu 12/21 Jerry Springer and and rapper DMX
We 12/22 Rosie Perez and musical guest Esthero
Th 12/23 Wynton Marsalis and musical guest Biz Markie WYNTON MARSALIS
Fr 12/24 D.L. Hughley and musical rappers Outkast
Mo 12/27 LA radio talk show host Larry Elder and rapper Jay Z
Tu 12/28 Boxer Roy Jones, Jr. and Salt-N-Pepa
We 12/29 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky
Th 12/30 NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and musical guest


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART's "THE GREATEST MILLENNIUM" SPECIAL, Comedy
Central
House Band They Might Be Giants, Vance DeGeneres' "History of Media," Stephen
Colbert's "Future of Media," Beth Littleford vs. Ted Nugent, Lewis Black's
"Signs of the Apocalypse," Steve Carell's "Religion Today (& The Future)," Mo
Rocca's "The Next Millennium," and "The Man of the Millennium" -- Charlton
Heston.
Fr 12/24 9 AM
Fr 12/31 at 7 PM & 12:30 AM


DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL : 1000 YEARS, 100 LAUGHS, 10 REALLY
GOOD ONES", HBO
Tu 12/21 3:55 AM
Mo 12/27 2 AM

DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL : 1000 YEARS, 100 LAUGHS, 10 REALLY
GOOD ONES", HBO Plus
Th 12/23 10:30 PM
Fr 12/31 2:45 AM

DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBO
Fr 1/7: Tim Robbins on The Two Party System
Fr 1/14: Seth Green on Child Actors
Fr 1/21: Carl Reiner, topic TBA

DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/20 Jim Carrey on Fame (4/29/94)
Tu 12/21 Bob Costas on Contemporary Sports (5/6/94)
We 12/22 Wendy Kaminer on Dysfunction (5/13/94)
Th 12/23 Vincent Bugliosi on Our Legal System (5/20/94)
Fr 12/24 Particia Ireland on Sexual Harrassment (5/27/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/20 "Everybody Loves Larry" Jon Stewart, Elvis Costello, David Duchovny
(11/13/96)
Tu 12/21 "My Name is Asher Kingsley"Tom Poston, They Might Be Giants
(11/20/96)
We 12/22 "Where is the Love?" Sally Field, Sting, Jake Johannsen, Tom Shales
(11/27/96)
Th 12/23 "Ellen, or Isn't She?" Ellen Degeneres (12/11/96)
Fr 12/24 "The New Writer" Kevin Nealon, Sarah Silverman, Shawn Colvin
(12/18/96)

Mo 12/27 "The Matchmaker" Tim Conway, Harvey Fierstein, N Sheridan (1/8/97)
Tu 12/28 "Make a Wish" Ben Stiller, James Belushi, David Paymer (1/15/97)
We 12/29 "Artie and Angie and Hank and Hercules" Don Rickles, Angie
Dickinson, Laura Leighton (1/22/97)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 12/25 Holiday '98 Special Edition (R-12/12/98) Ellen and Anne, Yule
Blazers, A Very Rusty Christmas, Mrs. Swan @ Sharpest Image, Paul Timberman's
Xmas Workshop, A Stuart Christmas, Old Man Sasso-Christmas, I Know What You
Did Last Christmas (animated), A Vancome Carol, A Very Magic (Johnson)
Kwanzaa
Sa 1/1 The Best of MAD TV : OJ Outtakes, the XXX-Files, Terms of
Imprisonment, the first ever Vancome Lady sketch -- "Vancome Lady :
Department Store"


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 12/20  "Flat-Top Tony and The Purple Canoes" : Womyn's Solidarity
Collective, Black & White Film (Hard Day's Night), VTV (Smoosh, Norma Jean
Monster) Break-Thru Weekend, Young People & Companions, Bloopers, Fashion
Forecast, Fashion Documentary, Constant Chum High, Indomitable Spirit,
Apocalypse Drill, Smoosh On Moon
Tu 12/21 "Please Don't Kill Me" - Swearing Jar, TV Ministry, Swearing
Preacher, Rolling In It/ Ferarri, Landlords, Victor & Dylan, Fad Three Hunger
Strike, Mayostard/Mustardayonnaise, Evil Genius Telethon
We 12/22 "Goin' on A Holiday" - Elderly, Age War, "Bills, Bills Bills!" Our
Secret Love, Marriage Photo, Photo Shop, Blowing Up The Mon, Spunk, Don
Pratt, SMC/Streakers, Goin' on A Holiday
Th 12/23 "Bush is A Pussy" - Kedsie Takes Over, Worthington's Law, Value
Magazine, Ranking Money, Siamese Twins, Bad News Breakers, Mafia
Mathematicians, 24 is the Highest Number, Marching Band, Philouza,
Mediocrity, Dr. Katz
Fr 12/24 "It's A No Brainer" -  Li'l Devil Knee Socks, Protestors, On The
Spot NEws, Line-up Room/VTV, Culture Hunt, Frankly Anne, Europe Maps, Jack
Webber, Calendar, Dream Of A Lifetime, Massage Cream, Anders' Press
Conference/Sloppy Close, Fishing

Mo 12/27 "A White Men Set Them Free" - Viewer Hate Mail/Cracker Barrel, Bob &
David Go Mail Box, Sarcasmo, Marriage Con, Map Link, Bioshpere, Humanimal
Photo, Ice Cream Flavors, Last Indian Doodlesnicker, Carton The Last Indian,
Vietnam Helicopter, Army Scene, Movie Still, Night Talk w/ The Senate
SubcommitteeEst. Shot Arena W/ Announcer, All Star Salute To The Last Indian,
Last Indian
Tu 12/28 "The Return Of The Curse of The Creature's Ghost" Moe Phelps open,
Happy Janitor, Local World News, Blowj*b, Titanicca Pre-taped callin show,
The Return Of The Curse Of The Creature's Ghost Chip On Your Shoulder Club,
Up Your Mother's A**,
We 12/29 "Life Is Precious And God And The Bible" - Medical Marijuana Open,
Pharmacy, Law School, Cloning Hitler, Lifeboat, Scams And Flams, Weather
Close "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club, Toenapper
News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The Year 3000,
Fart Lighting Close
Th 12/30 "Show Me Your Weenis" - Rat Pack Open, Mr. Show Boys' Club,
Toenapper News Intro, Toenapper, Wyckyd Spectre, Blind House, Racist In The
Year 3000, Fart Lighting Close
Fr 12/31 "The Cry of a Hungry Baby" Entitilitus, HItler sings, guys in,
A**hole at party, Change for a dollar, Ronnie Dobbs, Incubation Pants


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 12/20 Monty Python's Eric Idle; actress Fabiana Udenio; musical guest
Guster
Tu 12/21 braodcaster-author-historian Pierre Berton; Kevin Frank and Daisy
>From Pet Project on Life Network; musical guest Meredith Brooks
We 12/22 Jimmy "The Iceman" MacNeil, Contemder for Zamboni Driver of the
Year; director†Atom Egoyan; actress Lindsay Leese; musical guest Marc Jordan
Th 12/23 Traders' Sonja Smits; comic Alan Park; musical guest Edwin; and
sitting in with the band, First Class Petty Officer John Cuming, Fugelhorn
player from Navy jazz band
Fr 12/24 News anchor†Peter Mansbridge; actress †Helen Baxendale; musical
guest Melanie Doane and a Visit From Santa

Mo 12/27 Mary Walsh Of This Hour Has 22 Minutes; Ben Stein; musical guest
Matthew Sweet
Tu 12/28 Tom Green, and his sidekicks Glenn Humplick and Phil Giroux; Sex
advice columnist Dan Savage; musical guest Susan Aglukark
We 12/29 singer†Marc Anthony; comedian John Wing; musical guest Pet Shop Boys
Th 12/30 Dan Matheson, Canada AM co-host; Jonathan Torrens, Host CBCís
Jon-o-vision; musical guest Sin-Tones
Fr 12/31 No broadcast, Happy New Year

Mo 1/3†actor Anthony Anderson; Michael Healey, Winner of Governor Generalís
Drama Award, musical guest Brian McKnight
Tu 1/4†Ron MacLean, Host of CBCís Hockey Night; Jennifer Podemski Riverdale,
host of Aboriginal Achievers on APTN; musical guest Charlie Major
We 1/5†wrestler Edge, Toby Styles, Friend of the show from Toronto Zoo, final
appearance, retiring and off to Africa Bringing a reindeer; musical guest Len

Th 1/6 Best-selling sci-fi writer William Gibson; comic and author Bob Smith;
musical guest The Skydiggers; and sitting in with the band, Graeme Kirkland
and Ashley MacIsaac
Fr 1/7 model/actress Carol Alt; Arthur Black, CBC Radio host of Basic Black;
musical guest Amanda Marshall

Mo 1/10 Sue Johanson, Host of the Sunday Night Sex Show on WTN; musical guest
Blue Rodeo
Tu 1/11 Peter Jordan Host of CBC T.V.'s It's a Living
We 1/12 Bert Archer, Author and columnist Book: End of Gay; Sandra Bezic
Skating Choreographer
Th 1/13 †Graham Kerr Aka The Galloping Gourmet, now host of The Gathering
Place
Fr 1/14


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy
Su 12/26 5:30 PM Episode 3?
We 12/29 1:30 PM Episode 3?


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 12/25 Ray Romanno / The Corrs + Doris Roberts & Peter Boyle (r-3/13/99)
Barbara Walters looking for phone sex, ESPN SportsCenter, Behind the Music:
Meatloaf, Roberto Benigni, Pimp Chat, Suel Forrester at the NCAA, Office guy
resorts to crying, Quit judging my dreams!
Sa 1/8 Jamie Foxx Blink 182
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 12/20 2 PM Sally Field / Toni Toni Tone (1993-'94) I Want My Baby Back!,
White Diamonds, Headgames, Matt Foley, Jesus & the overpray-er, Crab lice
social, Mike Judge's "Milton" in "Billable Hours";   6 PM Steve Martin /
James Taylor (1991-'92) "Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight," Schmitt's Gay Beer,
Theatre Stories, The Dark Side with Nat X, Tarzan, Chris Farley, &
Frankenstein sing "Feliz Navidad";  Midnight Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant
(1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga, Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History
Minute
Tu 12/21 12:30PM & Midnight David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page
(1997-'98) Janet Reno's X-Files, Spartan Spirits, Ambiguously Gay Duo,
Celebrity Jeopardy!, Cinder Calhoun, Mango, Oprah & Goat Boy, From The Earth
To The Area Around The Earth, Golords;  1:30PM Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant
(1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga, Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History
Minute;  6 PM George Forman / Hole + Michael Buffer (1994-'95) - Time Boxer,
Two Guys From A Religious Cult, Matt Foley, Incredible Hulk, Bruce
McCulloch's "Stalking";  8 PM Nathan Lane / Metallica + Marianne Faithfull +
Ernie Sabella + Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (1997-'98) - McCaughey
septuplets, Chess for Girls, Spartan Spirits, Sister Wendy, History of
Vaudeville, ex-con Santa;  9 PM Rosie O'Donnell / Whitney Houston + Penny
Marshall + Beavis & Butt-Head (1996-'97) Disposable Toilets, Spartan Spirits,
Mary Katherine Gallagher, Delicious Dish, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Rita
Delvecchio, Russell & Tate, Joe Blow's Local News
We 12/22 12:30PM Kevin Kline / Bobby McFerrin (1988-'89) A Trump Christmas,
Master Thespian, Harvey Firestein hosts Plug Away;  1:30PM & Midnight Patrick
Stewart / Salt -N- Pepa (1993-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures, Scottish
Therapist,  sexy bathroom cakes, Love Boat : The Next Generation, Cosby
Mysteries, Show & Tell with Joycelyn Elders, It's Not Their Fault;  6 PM
Helen Hunt / Hanson + Jack Nicholson (1997-'98) The Singing Mohan-Culps, The
Delicious Dish : Fun With Real Audio-Jesus, The Ladies' Man, Roxbury Guys, A
Burt Reynolds Ad: A Burt Reynolds Christmas, A Bill Gates Christmas
Th 12/23 12:30PM Martin Short / No Doubt (1996-97) Celebrity Jeopardy!,
Martha Stewart's topless Christmas, Ed Grimley, Roxbury Guys, Barbara Walters
interviews Jackie Rogers, Jr., Larry Azaria's Mostly Used Mattresses, Mickey
The Dyke;  1:30PM Alec Baldwin/Tori Amos (1995-'96) Nightline, The Fops, Joe
Pesci Show, Literary Theatre, Joe Blow, Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Bill
Brasky;  6 PM Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant (1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga,
Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History Minute
Fr 12/24 8 AM Chevy Chase / Steve Martin / Randy Newman (1986-'87) Steve
Martin's Holiday Wish, Gerald Ford Clinic, "I'm Me!", The Pat Stevens Show,
Church Lady, Ed Grimley, Amazing Alexander, Eggshell Family;  6:30PM Eddie
Murphy / Robert Plant (1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga, Mister Robinson's
Neighborhood, Black History Minute
Sa 12/25 7 AM Dennis Quaid / Neville Brothers (1990-'91) Sprockets and
College for Massage;  8 AM Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant (1984-'85) The
Buckwheat Saga, Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History Minute;  4 PM
William Shatner / Lone Justice + Buster Poindexter (1986-'87) Ollie North
Mute Marine, "get a life" at Star Trek convention, Sweeney Sisters Star Trek
V, lost ending of It's A Wonderful Life, Handi-Off, T.J. Hooker
Su 12/26 7 AM Bill Murray/Percy Sledge + Marc Shaiman (1986-'87) Il Returno
De Hercules, Donahue, Nick the Lounge Singer, Compulsion;  8 AM Paul Shaffer
/ Bruce Hornsby & The Range (1986-'87) host sings "Saturday Night- You're My
Home," What's My Addiction?, The Pat Stevens Show w/Charlton Heston, the
Sweeney sisters;  9 AM Neve Campbell / David Bowie (1996-'97) Suel Forrester,
Delicious Dish, Fun With Real Audio- State of the Union address, Spartan
Spirits, Janet Reno's Dance Party, Hollywood Minute, 20/20, Gossiping
Gestapo, Adventures of the White Trash Disaster Trailer

Mo 12/27 12:30PM & Midnight Jim Carrey / Soundgarden (1995-'96) Spartan
Spirits, Roxbury Guys, Spade in America, The Joe Pesci Show, Jimmy Tango's
Fat Busters;  Roma Downey / Missy 'Misdemeanor' Elliott with Timbaland &
Magoo (1997-'98) - Singing Mohan Culps, Catherine the Great, Martha Stewart
Valentines, I'm Riding My Donkey Political Talk Show, The Ladies' Man,
Smigeltoon : Ah Lin The Skater Man;  6 PM Steve Martin / Eric Clapton + Brian
Austin Green + Roger Clemens, Bobby Bonilla, Jack McDowell (1994-'95) Clinton
auditions, Home Headache Test, Total Bastard Airlines, Ron Wood Show, Super
Sports Tours
Tu 12/28 12:30PM & Midnight Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
(1996-'97) Big Brawn Feminine Napkins, Roxbury Guys, Goat Boy, Spartan
Spirits, Ambiguously Gay Duo, MTV's Kincaid, Kerri & Kippy Strug, Mr.
Peepers, Sing-along with the Drunken Asses Ross Perot, "How am I funny?,"
Sabra Price Is Right, The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She Turned
Into Her Mother!;  1:30PM Garth Brooks + Robert Duvall (1997-'98) Mango,
Oprah, Fun With Real Audio- David Brenner, Old French Whore!, Cinder Calhoun,
Who's More Grizzled?!, Goat Boy;  6 PM Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt (1994-'95)
Mona Lisa Vito, Piercing Today, Daily Affirmation, Eric Bogosian vs Spaulding
Gray, Bridal Fair
We 12/29 12:30PM & Midnight Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow + David L. Lander
(1996-'97) Mary Katherine Gallagher, Suel Forrester, Fun With Real Audio -
Perot & Larry King, Mickey The Dyke;  1:30PM Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia
(1997-'98) Mary Katherine Gallagher, Celine Dion Show, Spartan Spirits;  6 PM
John Travolta / Seal (1994-'95) Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin
Tarantino's "Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live
Th 12/30 12:30PM Chris Rock / The Wallflowers + Dana Carvey (1996-'97)
Excedril, I'm Chillin,' The Dark Side with Nat X, Mark Russell's Election
Year Comedy Special, Charles Grodin Show, Ambiguously Gay Duo, retiring Norm
MacDonald's Bob Dole impression, The Singing Mohan-Culps, Russell Simmons'
Def Emergency Room Jam, Perspectives;  1:30PM Julianne Moore / Backstreet
Boys (1997-'98) Kenneth Starr interruptions, "Gloria Stuart", Delicious Dish,
The Ladies' Man, Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Conspiracy Theory Rock!, Good
Morning With Liza!, Go- Lords; 6 PM Sarah Jessica Parker / R.E.M. (1994-'95)
host sings "Tomorrow", Eterna Rest coffin, Good Morning Brooklyn, Confucius,
The Casting Couch, WIzard of Oz, Michael O'Donoghue eulogy;  Midnight Joe
Montana & Walter Payton / Deborah Harry (1986-'87) "We Are Kickers," Tommy
Flanagan, Church Chat, The NFL Today, The Michael Jackson Workout Tape, Chick
Hazard
Fr 12/31 12:30PM  Madeline Kahn / Bush (1995-'96) The Spartan Spirits,
John-John Mackey, Leg Up, St. Nicky, The Fops, Spade in America;  1:30PM Paul
Shaffer / Bruce Hornsby & The Range (1986-'87) host sings "Saturday Night-
You're My Home," What's My Addiction?, The Pat Stevens Show w/Charlton
Heston, the Sweeney sisters
Sa 1/1 11 AM Madeline Kahn / Bush (1995-'96) The Spartan Spirits, John-"John
Mackey, Leg Up, St. Nicky, The Fops, Spade in America; 8PM
The Best of Saturday Night Live" w/Robert Mitchum, Denis Hopper, Charlton
Heston, Dabney Coleman, Tom Hanks, Justine Bateman and Simply Red.
Su 1/2 10 PM Brendan Fraser / Bjork (1997-'98) Xena, The Delicious Dish,
Go-Lords!, Collette Reardon's medication, Harry Caray, Courtney Love's
Biography, Mango, Shark Channel


TENACIOUS D, HBO Zone
Tu 12/21 10:30 PM
Tu 12/28 2:40 AM
Th 12/30 10:30 PM


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO (reruns)
We 12/22 3:00 PM Scandal (1/20/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Signatrure, (Reruns)
Th 12/23 12:00 PM Dating (1/13/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Comedy (reruns)
Mo 12/20 11 AM Race Relations (4/09/97), 9:30 PM Las Vegas (2/08/97) & 10:30
PM Music (4/30/97)
Tu 12/21 10:30 PM Marriage (1/04/98)
We 12/22 10:30 PM Hollywood (1/11/98)
Th 12/23 5 PM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96) & 10:30 PM Smoking
(1/18/98)
Fr 12/24 1:45 PM Secrets (2/17/97); 3:45 PM Culture (3/01/98) & 10:30 PM Loss
(1/25/98)
Sa 12/25 11 AM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98) & 6 PM Music (4/30/97)

Mo 12/27 10:30 PM Loss (1/25/98)
Tu 12/28 7:30 AM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96); 10:30 PM Age
(2/08/98) & 5:35 AM Hollywood (1/11/98)
We 12/29 7:30 PM Las Vegas (2/08/97); 9:35 PM Crime (3/19/97) & 10:30 PM
Religion (2/15/98)
Th 12/30 2 PM Politics (4/23/97) & 10:30 PM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98)
Fr 12/31 3:30 PM Money (4/02/97); 7 PM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..."
(4/3/96) & 10:30 PM End of the World (3/17/99)


"TURN BEN STEIN ON" Comedy Central
Th 12/23 10:30 PM & Sa 12/25 1:30 PM Grace Slick on "What Is It Like To Be a
Rock Star?"
Th 12/30 10:30 PM & Sa 1/1 1:30 PM Screenwriter/director Hampton Fancher
("Blade Runner") and futurist Alvin Toffler on "The Millennium Show"


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 12/20 10:30PM & Sa 12/25 1:30AM : The UCB targets drunken frat boys.
Mo 12/27 10:30PM The UCB wreaks havoc on sex and seduction.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 1999 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Send news for and comments about this newsletter to
aaron@...

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Dec. 13-19, 1999
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


This fall has been a good one for David Letterman. But
as NBC is more than happy to point out, it has been an
even better one for Jay Leno.

A month ago, CBS began issuing glittering press releases
about Dave's resurgence in the ratings. Helped by the
network's strong prime-time performance in the November
sweeps, CBS affiliates improved in their late newscasts
... and that in turn benefited the "Late Show."

But in a turnabout that demonstrates just how much the
late-night talk show landscape has changed in six years,
Leno's people have come up with even more impressive
Nielsen data about their man. And it concerns viewers
that "The Tonight Show" did not exactly have in its
corner when the competition with "Late Show" began in
1993.

While it is true that Letterman's ratings are up
substantially over this time last year -- "Late Show"
has closed the gap with "The Tonight Show" by more than
half a million viewers -- Leno actually has a wider lead
in viewers ages 18-34 and 18-49 than he did a year ago.

It's impossible to overstate what a shift in audience
trends this is. "The Tonight Show" was once notorious
for drawing older viewers. The median age of a "Tonight"
viewer in the early '90s was right around 50 years, much
higher than the median age for NBC's prime time. Network
executives privately grumbled about this for years
toward the end of Johnny Carson's reign -- but the
situation didn't change under Leno during his first
three seasons.

Now, however, it's Letterman whose ratings are being
powered by viewers closer to his own age (he turns 53 in
April). Males ages 18-34 were once crucial to
Letterman's success, and indeed are still a major chunk
of his audience. But other 18-34 men are tuned to Leno
instead, and don't forget that women watch late-night
too -- and they're preferential to Jay.

Indeed, "Late Show" has not done well in demographics
since that week in the summer of '98 when Dave scored a
2 rating among 18-49's compared with Leno's 1.8 and Ted
Koppel's 1.5.  (A rating point stands for 1 percent of
the viewers in that demographic, whether they are
watching TV at that hour or not.)  According to Monday's
Daily Variety, Leno's 18-49 rating has since climbed to
2.6 while Letterman's has slipped to 1.7.

If there's any silver lining for "Late Show," it's the
fact that when Leno was making his year-long run at
Letterman's seemingly invicible lead in the ratings, he
first improved in households -- demographics came later.
People who write on the subject constantly make the
mistake of assuming that there was something magical in
Hugh Grant's July 1995 appearance on "The Tonight Show"
that led to increased "sampling" (people checking out
the show) and ultimate salvation in the ratings. The
reality is that Leno first began to peck away at
Letterman's lead in the fall of 1994 and steadily closed
the gap. Even after Hugh Grant's appearance, Leno's
ratings levels fell back to their pre-Grant levels. That
those levels were rising anyway is something most of
those analyzing Leno's change in fortunes fail to take
into account.

Why is this a big deal? Because Leno's trek
inconveniently upends that timeless Madison Avenue myth
that youth always sets the trend and everybody else
follows youth. In fact, older viewers began returning to
"The Tonight Show" in 1994, were joined by more younger
viewers in 1995, and finally the younger viewers put
Leno ahead for good in both demos and households in
early 1996.

None of this, of course, has anything to do with the
relative quality of the two shows. Letterman has
effectively reinvented himself -- something he did twice
at NBC and has now done twice at CBS, by my count -- and
is as satisfying to watch as ever. Jay is Jay, and I'm
sure his partisans will write to let me know why he's
still Nielsen's favorite.


***

I'm pleased to report that we have uncovered a simple
solution to the potential conflict of interest raised by
the recent migration of "This Week at the TV Barn" to
commercial mailing-list server ONElist.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, ONElist tacks
advertisements onto the end of each message.  In theory,
a network like NBC could buy that space and run its
message next to the ostensibly independent news and
commentary found above it.

But reader Sean Jordan has alerted me to a little-known
option ONElist has -- for $60 a year my list can run
ad-free. I've already fired off a check to ONElist and
you can expect those adverts to disappear in the next
couple of weeks.

I'm doing it for peace of mind, of course, but should
the thought cross your mind to help me meet this
newly-incurred cost -- or to send a few bucks this way
just for the heck of it -- then I encourage you to shop
at amazon.com using the specially-encoded links of TV
Barn. When you do, TV Barn is paid a small percentage of
your purchases as a commission. Even when you buy
something else at Amazon.com, if you start your shopping
with an encoded link, TV Barn still gets a tiny
percent of the purchase amount.

Nobody's going to get rich with this system, and all
cash flow will be dutifully plowed back into the product
and the machinery needed to crank it out.

To start you off, here's a link to the newly revised
20th-anniversary edition of the greatest TV reference of
all time, _The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network
and Cable TV Shows_ by Tim Brooks and Earle Marsh:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345429230/tvbarn

If you haven't checked out "The TV Critic's Toolbox" at
the TV Barn website, it has a whole reference shelf of
items I recommend, all linked to amazon.com.


***

Reader mail: An awful lot of harsh, negative mail has
arrived in the last week and it all has the letters
F-O-X in common. Some of it comes in reference to last
week's article about Twentieth Television's attempts to
close down "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" fan pages on the
Web.  A longtime TV Barn reader named Rhonda, better
known by her handle Tiny Dancer, writes, "With regards
to Fox closing the Buffy sites recently, trust me, they
haven't stopped shutting down the 'X-Files' ones either.
I was FOXed last week: a letter to me, a copy sent to
xoom.com and I was gone within the hour! I made the
mistake of offering free transcripts that people had
poured their blood, sweat and tears into, and small
sound files so people could brighten their dreary lives
by hearing Mulder and Scully talk to them out of their
'puters, among many other things. The nerve, eh?
Copyright notices all over the darn thing and no money
ever changed hands -- in fact, I was the one spending
moola on the server. Where exactly is the problem with
free publicity for their ratings sagging series?!" (The
happy ending, Rhonda reports, is that her page will soon
be back up again at the Fox-sanctioned Fandom.com.)

Next we turn to the always fascinating world of reality
TV, as captured through the lens that belongs
exclusively to the network. Remember that Mike Tyson
movie? Well, make way for the JonBenet Ramsey
"mini-movie," coming soon to Fox. A one-hour drama, it's
too short to be called a movie but, apparently, too
juicy to wait until another hour of real-life drama
unfolds in the still-unsolved murder case ...

I would also be remiss if I did not tip our hat to the
staff of "Action," the series Fox cancelled Dec. 3,
for working in a sly reference to their show's demise in
the final episode. In case you missed it -- and chances
are extremely good that you did -- Jay Mohr's character
suffers a heart attack and expires. Time of death?
"Thursday at 9:30," the time slot occupied by "Action."
The writers were apparently hoping to have one more week
to outdo themselves, however, because they cooked up a
sequel to Peter's death scene, as evidenced by this Fox
PR Tom Heald uncovered: "PETER DRAGON IS IN HEAVEN
TALKING WITH THE 'MAN UPSTAIRS,' ON 'ACTION' THURSDAY,
DEC. 9, ON FOX ... Peter (Jay Mohr) is in heaven and
tries to negotiate his return to life with the man
'upstairs.' Holden Van Dorn is now living in the guest
house of Titus Scroad, which causes Titus to fall off
the wagon, so Peter must intervene in 'Dead Man
Floating.'" Hurry up, HBO, and option that show! ...

Mike Brown is a computer user who, like an increasing
number of business and home users, likes to surf the Web
on a Unix machine. Imagine his surprise when he checked
into FOX.com recently and discovered he was persona non
grata (or at least his computa was). "You have been
denied access," said the page, which then gave him two
reasons why this might be so. One was that he was
running an old browser. Or: "You are running on a
platform other than a PC or a Macintosh. Unless you run
on one of these platforms, you will be unable to access
FOX.com." Mike was understandably furious. "Extremely
arrogant on their part," he writes. Or at least
extremely cheap -- how hard can it be to enable Unix
browsers? After all, they were around before PC browsers
were ...

Finally, Jerome Chapman does not think Fox's game show
"Greed" is good, but maybe he just means that in an
aesthetic sense. "Is it just me or does that Chuck
Woolery ripoff of 'Millionaire' seem dark and evil?" he
writes. "Team members are encouraged to turn on each
other. What is fascinating is the disturbing tension
created between team members. It's amazing that
something that was designed to be so similar to
'Millionaire' -- with regard to the lighting,
soundtrack, set, and purse -- is so different in its
tone and feel."


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, December 13: in 1985, an episode of "Miami Vice"
	 entitled "Phil the Shill" could've been called, "Who
	 Wants To Be A Drug Dealing Game Show Host?" Pop star
	 Phil Collins is tracked down tonight by Crockett and
	 Tubbs, with time to spare for a Collins song ("Life Is A
	 Rat Race").

	 Tuesday, December 14: in 1966, on "Batman," Catwoman
	 steals the voices of pop stars Chad & Jeremy. England
	 refuses to pay $22,488 in ransom to get them back.

	 Wednesday, December 15: in 1983, "Automan" makes its
	 debut on ABC, starring Desi Arnaz Jr. as a geeky police
	 officer who creates a computerized alter ego that can
	 walk through walls, protect his creator from gunfire,
	 and of course network with other machines in times of
	 need. This credulity-straining series is deleted in
	 April.

	 Thursday, December 16: in 1997, over 700 Japanese
	 children suffer nausea and seizures of a condition
	 deemed "light epilepsy" or "Nintendo epilepsy" after
	 watching a strobe effect from a cartoon. It is announced
	 within the week that the show will soon be imported to
	 America, without the "dangerous effect." The cartoon's
	 name? Now it's the adults who get sick watching the
	 show, called "Pokemon."

	 Friday, December 17: in 1969, one of the great moments
	 in late night television history occurs as an estimated
	 50 million viewers tune in to watch singer Tiny Tim and
	 his 17-year-old-bride Miss Vicky exchange vows on "The
	 Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson."

	 Saturday, December 18: in 1963, "The Alan Brady Show"
	 presents its Christmas show as Laura, Rob, Buddy, Sally,
	 Mel, and the rest of the "Dick Van Dyke Show" cast
	 perform classic vaudeville routines and songs. Sally
	 sings, "Santa, Send a Fella" while little Ritchie
	 performs "The Little Drummer Boy."

	 Sunday, December 19: in 1970, on "The Mary Tyler Moore
	 Show," though she'd planned to be home for Christmas,
	 Mary Richards gives up her vacation so everyone else can
	 spend time with their loved ones. She spends her time
	 alone at the TV station singing "White Christmas" along
	 with the TV, performing a dance from the Nutcracker and
	 having a lonely conversation with Charlie out at the
	 transmitter. Panicked by a hang-up phone call and the
	 elevator coming up in what should be an empty building,
	 she's soon comforted by Ted, Murray, and Mr. Grant and
	 realizes she already is "home -- with her new family."

	 Thanks to Clark Humphrey, David Tanny and Brooks and
	 Marsh. Correction: "Coronation Street" is the longest
	 running soap opera *outside* the US.

	 Still looking for Christmas gifts for the couch potato
	 in your life? We've got a comprehensive list of
	 televised holiday specials exclusively for you, along
	 with some of the latest TV-movie releases and gadgets
	 for under your tree at
	 <http://members.aol.com/tomalhe/tvbarn.html>.


***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 12/13: Courtney Love, Tori Murden (the first woman to row
across the Atlantic Ocean), R.E.M.
Tu 12/14: Gwyneth Paltrow, Blondie
We 12/15: Danny DeVito, Harry Smith
Th 12/16: Jim Carrey, Alanis Morissette
Fr 12/17: Jude Law

Mo 12/20: Tom Brokaw, Alex Kingston, Run-DMC
Tu 12/21: Emily Watson, L.L. Cool J
We 12/22: Hallie Eisenberg, Marv Albert
Th 12/23: John Witherspoon, Darlene Love


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 12/13: Robin Williams, Blue Man Group
Tu 12/14: Sharon Stone, Michael Clarke Duncan, Bush
We 12/15: Geena Davis, Chow Yun-Fat, LeAnn Rimes
Th 12/16: Jodie Foster, Charlotte Church
Fr 12/17: Charlize Theron, Tim Allen, Luscious Jackson

Mo 12/20: Norm Macdonald, Embeth Davidtz, Cirque du Soleil
Tu 12/21: The Rockettes, Joan Embery and zoo animals, Jennifer Tilly
We 12/22: Winona Ryder


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 12/13: Rob Schneider, football analyst Howie Long, hygiene guy
Ken Smith
Tu 12/14: Paul Rudd, Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins
We 12/15: Bai Ling, comedian Jimmy Pardo
Th 12/16: Train
Fr 12/17: Rachel Hunter


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 12/13: Robin Williams, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (R 12/15/98)
Tu 12/14: Susan Sarandon, Carl Reiner, Alison Krauss & Union Station
We 12/15: Julianne Moore, Rob Schneider, Michael Stipe
Th 12/16: Gwyneth Paltrow, Eriq La Salle, Tonic
Fr 12/17: Jim Carrey, Tony Bennett

Mo 12/20: Salma Hayek, Roberto Benigni, Shemekia Copeland (R 12/16/98)
Tu 12/21: Tyra Banks, Alan Rickman, Matthew Sweet
We 12/22: Tom Brokaw, Jamie Foxx, Andy Blitz
Th 12/23: Sloan


LATER, NBC
Mo 12/13: Steve Allen; host Sandra Tsing Loh
Tu 12/14: Peter Mehlman; host Sandra Tsing Loh
We 12/15: Steve Park; host Sandra Tsing Loh
Th 12/16: Harry Shearer; host Sandra Tsing Loh


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
TBA


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 12/13: Donny Osmond, Bob Enyart, Martin Short, Armin Brott (R 6/18/99)
Tu 12/14: Tom Sizemore, Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins, Darlene Kennedy
We 12/15: Israel Balderas
Th 12/16: Rob Schneider, Terry Bradshaw, Nadine Strossen

Mo 12/20: TBA
Tu 12/21: Pat Michaels, Adam Werbach
We 12/22: Jake Busey, Monique Powell


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 12/13: Joan Lunden
Tu 12/14: Shannen Doherty
We 12/15: "The Greatest Millennium" special
Th 12/16: George Carlin


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0
Fr 12/17 11:30 PM Marion Barry and musical guest Jay Z (repeats Su 12/19
12:05 AM; We 12/22 11 PM)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0 Plus (10:45 PM)
Tu 12/14 TBA and The Artist (Formerly Known as Prince)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HBO Zone (reruns, 11PM)
Mo 12/13 D.L. Hughley and musical rappers Outkast
Tu 12/14 LA radio talk show host Larry Elder and rapper Jay Z
We 12/15 Jada Pinkett and musical guest LSG
Th 12/16 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky
Fr 12/17 NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and musical guest


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART's "THE GREATEST MILLENNIUM" SPECIAL,
Comedy Central
House Band They Might Be Giants, Vance DeGeneres' "History of Media," Stephen
Colbert's "Future of Media," Beth Littleford vs. Ted Nugent, Lewis Black's
"Signs of the Apocalypse," Steve Carell's "Religion Today (& The Future)," Mo
Rocca's "The Next Millennium," and "The Man of the Millennium" -- Charlton
Heston.
We 12/15 11 PM
Th 12/16 Noon
Sa 12/18 Noon


DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL, HBO
Mo 12/13 9:45 PM
Fr 12/17 Midnight


DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/13 Dana Carvey†on Sex (7/23/99)
Tu 12/14 Jay Mohr†on The Survival of the fittest (7/30/99)
We 12/15 Red Buttons†on Growing Old Gracefully (8/6/99)
Th 12/16 Henry Rollins on Angry People (12/09/94)
Fr 12/17 Bill Bradley on Violence(4/22/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/13 "Larry's Big Idea" Courteney Cox David Letterman (10/25/95)
Tu 12/14 "Beverly and the Prop Job"Paul Mooney, Victoria Principal (11/1/95)
We 12/15 "0.409" John Stamos, Shawn Colvin (11/8/95)
Th 12/16 "Eight" Rosie O'Donnell, k.d. lang, Mandy Patinkin, Noah Wylie, Ryan
O'Neal, Farrah Fawcett, George Segal, Pat O'Brien, F De Cordova (11/15/95)
Fr 12/17 "Larry's On Vacation"Gloria Steinem, Sandra Bernhard, Julianna
Margulies (11/22/95)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 12/18 Howie Long appears on "Cabana Chat With Dixie Wetsworth," claymation
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" spoof / (r-12/13/97)


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 12/13 "A Talking Junkie?!" - David acts English, Talking JInkie, New Son,
Red Balloon, Porno Shope, Ewww Girl videom Video Soul, Rap: The Musical,
Homage Awards, Creeping Peeping Videos
Tu 12/14 "Operation Hell On Earth" Young Superstar, Old Folks HOme, Hate
Group, News Family Anchors, Recruiters, Blam-A-Thon/Fartin Gary, Second Wind,
Old Superstar
We 12/15 "Heaven's Chimney" - Heaven's Chimney, Deprogramming, Heaven Tour,
Crazy Religious Beliefs, Watch Us Have Sex, Blatant Sexual Symbloism. The
Devastator, Directions, Educational Film Festival Medieval Film, Hail Satan,
Cartoon
Th 12/16 "Peanut Butter, Eggs & Dice"›- Very Special Episode, David Reveeals
He's Bald, Ratings Man, Song/Map, Santa's Workshop, Tatiana, Cock Ring
Warehouse, Marriage Announcement, Fuzz - The Musical, Terry Gets Award/Fly By
Awards, The Dewey Awards, Bob Lamonta, Handing Out Awards
Fr 12/17 "Oh, You Men" - Banana/Mayor Of Television, Ventriloquists, People
Watching/TV Guide, The Hanged Man, Delongpre Dannon, Sticky Pads. Lie
Detector, Television TV, Time Caplet, Draggachusettes, Lose: The Lost
Episode, Guard Throws Tape/Monkey


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 12/13 Tommy Lee, musical guest  Beth Hart
Tu 12/14 Meat Loaf, Paul Gallant -- President of Wrebbit, worldís only 3-D
puzzles, coming with full-size race car puzzle , musical guest Jimmyís
Chicken Shack
We 12/15 TBA
Th 12/16 †Kim Cattrall, ††Heather Hartt -- Host of TV Guide Telelvision and
Extra!
Fr 12/17†Burton Cummings -- Lead singer of The Guess Who


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 12/18 SNL's Christmas Past
Sa 1/8 Jamie Foxx Blink 182
Sa 2/19 Ben Affleck


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 12/13 1 PM & Midnight Tom Arnold / Tupac (1995-'96) The Life We Lead, Joe
Blow, Adam Sandler sings about his grandmother, Miracles of Science
w/Braniac;  6 PM Susan Dey / C & C Music Factory (1991-'92) Makin' Copies at
L.A. Law; The Mike Tyson Trial, Leevi's 3 Legged Jeans, The Arakawa Group,
Partridge Family vs. The Brady Bunch The Sensitive Naked Man
Tu 12/14 1 PM & Midnight Elle MacPherson / Sting (1995-'96) The Spartan
Spirits, Mary Katherine Gallagher, The Fops, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit
Issue Holiday Special, Australian phone sex;  6 PM Jason Priestly / Teenage
Fan Club (1991-'92) The Falling Olympian, Jiffy Pop Air Bag, 90210, The
Arsenio Hall Show, Sprockets game show
We 12/15 1 PM & Midnight John Goodman / Everclear + Elle MacPherson
(1995-'96) MTV News, The Real World w/Bob Dole, Joe Pesci Show, Suel
Forrester, Fecal Matters, Bill Brasky;  6 PM John Goodman / Garth Brooks
(1991-'92) The candidates court the Star Trek vote, Natalie Cole's
Unforgivable, My 75 Kids, Cajunman, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
Th 12/16 1 PM & Midnight Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms (1995-'96) Leg Up,
Actors Studio, Roxbury Guys, Spade in America, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer;  6 PM
Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam (1991-'92) Wayne's World, Jiffy Pop Airbag, Queen
Shenequa, Victoria Jackson sings "I Love A Cop," Airport Security Guards,
Basic Instinct with Pat;  8 PM Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind (1997-'98)
Alice In Wonderland, Morning Latte, Goth Talk, Smigletoon : Titey, Judge
Judy, I Took A Gay Guy To Prom, Truck Drivin' Museum;  9 PM Pamela Lee /
Rollins Band + Tommy Lee (1996-'97) Spartan Spirits, Tiger Woods Biography,
Roxbury Guys, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Oprah, Larry King
Fr 12/17 1 PM Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine (1995-'96) Unabomber
class reunion, Grayson Moorhead Securities, Suel Forrester, Rita Delvecchio,
Roofers, Seattle Today, Barber School;  6 PM Roseanne & Tom Arnold / The Red
Hot Chili Peppers (1991-'92) Coffee Talk, Dick Clark's receptionist, A Star
Is Born, Tall Tales of the Recession;  10 PM Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent
D'Arby (1987-'88) Bob Dole, Learning to Feel, Family Ties, Derek Stevens;  11
PM Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes (1990-'91) Back From The Future, America's
Most Wanted, A. Whitney Brown, Daily Affirmation, Sting's elevator fans
Sa 12/18 11 AM John Goodman / The Pretenders (1993-'94) Mario Cuomo Vs.
Howard Stern, Captain Jim & Pedro, Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway
Patrol/Cops, American Sportsman Today w/Rush Limbaugh & Ron Wood , Theatre
Stories, In His Own Words- Michael Bolton, Flintstones names, killer taxi
drivers;  4 PM David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant + Lisa Kudrow, Gary
Coleman, Barry Williams, Jimmie Walker (1995-'96) D.C. frat boy march,
Grayson Moorhead, Kids vs. Grownups, Rita Delvecchio, Spade in America-
Jennifer Aniston, Plus Sized, Triumph Performers;  6 PM Woody Harrelson /
Vanessa Williams (1991-'92) The Last Tonight Show, Action Cats, Politically
Incorrect P.I., Super Fans, Operaman, The Sensitive Naked Man
Su 12/19 7 AM William Shatner / Lone Justice + Buster Poindexter (1986-'87)
Ollie North Mute Marine, "get a life" at Star Trek convention, Sweeney
Sisters Star Trek V, lost ending of It's A Wonderful Life, Handi-Off, T.J.
Hooker;  8 AM Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant (1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga,
Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History Minute;  9 AM Kevin Kline /
Bobby McFerrin (1988-'89) A Trump Christmas, Master Thespian, Harvey
Firestein hosts Plug Away;  10 AM Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell (1990-'91) Mr.
Subliminal, Mr. Short Term Memory, and the Global Warming Christmas Special;
11 AM Dennis Quaid / Neville Brothers (1990-'91) Sprockets and College for
Massage;  Noon George Forman / Hole + Michael Buffer (1994-'95) - Time Boxer,
Two Guys From A Religious Cult, Matt Foley, Incredible Hulk, Bruce
McCulloch's "Stalking";  1 PM Sally Field / Toni Toni Tone (1993-'94) I Want
My Baby Back!, White Diamonds, Headgames, Matt Foley, Jesus & the
overpray-er, Crab lice social, Mike Judge's "Milton" in "Billable Hours";  2
PM Steve Martin / James Taylor (1991-'92) "Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight,"
Schmitt's Gay Beer, Theatre Stories, The Dark Side with Nat X, Tarzan, Chris
Farley, & Frankenstein sing "Feliz Navidad";  3 PM Martin Short / No Doubt
(1996-97) Celebrity Jeopardy!, Martha Stewart's topless Christmas, Ed
Grimley, Roxbury Guys, Barbara Walters interviews Jackie Rogers, Jr., Larry
Azaria's Mostly Used Mattresses, Mickey The Dyke;  4 PM Alec Baldwin/Tori
Amos (1995-'96) Nightline, The Fops, Joe Pesci Show, Literary Theatre, Joe
Blow, Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Bill Brasky;  5 PM Rosie O'Donnell /
Whitney Houston + Penny Marshall + Beavis & Butt-Head (1996-'97) Disposable
Toilets, Spartan Spirits, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Delicious Dish,
Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Rita Delvecchio, Russell & Tate, Joe Blow's
Local News;  6 PM Helen Hunt / Hanson + Jack Nicholson (1997-'98) The Singing
Mohan-Culps, The Delicious Dish : Fun With Real Audio- Jesus, The Ladies'
Man, Roxbury Guys, A Burt Reynolds Ad: A Burt Reynolds Christmas, A Bill
Gates Christmas;  7 PM Nathan Lane / Metallica + Marianne Faithfull + Ernie
Sabella + Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (1997-'98) - McCaughey septuplets,
Chess for Girls, Spartan Spirits, Sister Wendy, History of Vaudeville, ex-con
Santa;  2 AM Rosie O'Donnell / Whitney Houston + Penny Marshall + Beavis &
Butt-Head (1996-'97) Disposable Toilets, Spartan Spirits, Mary Katherine
Gallagher, Delicious Dish, Ambiguously Gay Duo, Goat Boy, Rita Delvecchio,
Russell & Tate, Joe Blow's Local News;  3 AM Eddie Murphy/Robert Plant
(1984-'85) The Buckwheat Saga, Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, Black History
Minute


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO (reruns)
Th 12/16 9:30 AM Scandal (1/20/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Plus, (Reruns)
Mo 12/13 10:30 PM Drugs (1/(1/13/99)
Su 12/19 5:00 PM Dating (1/13/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Signatrure, (Reruns)
Mo 12/13 2:30 AM Dating (1/13/99)
Fr 12/17 5:45 PM Dating (1/13/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Comedy (reruns)
Mo 12/13 5:30 PM End of the World (3/17/99); 9:35 PM 1976 (3/05/97); 10:30 PM
Movies (3/26/97)
Tu 12/14 5 PM Religion (2/15/98); 9:40 PM Fantasy (1/25/97); 10:30 PM Money
(4/02/97)
We 12/15 9:30 PM Man's Best Friend (2/22/98); 10:30 PM Race Relations
(4/09/97)
Th 12/16 1:15 PM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96) & 10:30 PM
Supernatural (4/16/97)
Fr 12/17 7:35 PM Mothers (2/2/97); 9:40 PM Food (3/12/97) & 10:30 PM Politics
(4/23/97)
Sa 12/18 12:45 PM Movies (3/26/97)
Su 12/19 7:35 PM End of the World (3/17/99)


"TURN BEN STEIN ON" Comedy Central
Th 12/16 10:30 PM & Sa 12/18 1:30 PM Bob Saget and Patrick Bristow on "What
Is Funny?"


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 12/13 10:30PM & Sa 12/18 1:30AM The UCB disrupts happy couples - because
theyre annoying.


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 1999 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Send news for and comments about this newsletter to
aaron@...

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Dec. 6-12, 1999
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


Fox slaying ``Buffy'' Web sites

Once again, Twentieth Television's legal eagles are
swooping down on some easy prey and risking the ire of
yet another vocal group of superfans.

The targets are Web pages maintained by devoted fans of
shows produced by Twentieth Television, including ``The
X-Files'' and ``The Simpsons.'' Just before
Thanksgiving, Twentieth's lawyers took aim at pages run
by fans of ``Buffy, the Vampire Slayer,'' a show
Twentieth produces for the WB network.

The trouble started three years ago when Twentieth
employed a firm to snoop out ``rogue sites'' that it
believed were illegally using intellectual property from
these shows -- especially sounds and images that home
technology has made easy to capture off the air.

In October 1996 the crackdown began in earnest, when
Twentieth  persuaded officials at the University of
Texas-El Paso to take down a student's tribute page to
``Millennium,'' a show that had premiered that week on
the network. That raised a furor among fans of ``The
X-Files,'' which like ``Millennium'' was created by
Chris Carter. And once word got around that ``X-Files''
sites were being targeted, too, the Internet seemed to
rise as one against Fox. The network had to close down
its mailbox after it received tens of thousands of angry
e-mails from fans.

``I think it's absurd,'' says Shawn Sampson, a more
recent target of Twentieth's attorneys. His ``Buffy''
site featured screen shots and 2-minute video excerpts
from recent episodes until Fox ordered him to remove the
material this summer.

``They are losing more fans than they are gaining,'' Mr.
Sampson says. ``Short video clips do nothing more than
boost Buffy's popularity.''

Conversely, there may be few PR problems thornier than a
fan who's been spurned. The Web is littered with the
residual bad feelings of past battles between Twentieth
and the fans of its shows.

``This site has been shut down by the friendly people at
Fox,'' declares the home page of Brian Wilson, a student
at Wake Forest University whose ``King of the Hill''
tribute page was served a cease-and-desist letter in the
fall of 1997.

Several of the Web masters targeted by Twentieth have
shown me identical copies of that letter, which states
that because of its ``many contractual obligations'' to
the creative community, the studio has a ``legal
responsibility'' to go after unauthorized Web sites. (A
Twentieth spokesperson confirmed the existence of the
letters but didn't elaborate on which sites had received
them.)

But Twentieth is the only major TV studio or network
that seems to feel that way. Most promotion departments
are delighted to have an entourage of cheerleaders out
on the Web. Besides the thousands of hours of unpaid
effort they represent, these pages have excellent cred
among young viewers, who often perceive these homegrown
Web sites as more ``authentic'' than the official ones.

Small wonder, then, that many official sites include
links to their fans' sites. In fact, the WB network has
built a whole online community, AcmeCity, around this
concept, offering images and other resources to viewers
for building their own tribute pages.

Perhaps no WB program engenders as much Internet ardor
as ``Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.'' Two years ago, a young
fan of the show, Alexander Thompson, began transcribing
every episode of ``Buffy,'' word for word, then posting
it to the Web. It was a painstaking operation that took
hours of video playback each week, but fans were
thrilled with the results.

So was the show's creator, Joss Whedon, who met Mr.
Thompson at a national convention that was sponsored by
the official buffy.com site. Mr. Whedon even signed one
of Mr. Thompson's transcripts.

What Mr. Thompson didn't know at the time was that
Twentieth, not Mr. Whedon, controls the show's
intellectual property. This summer Twentieth's lawyers
contacted the Web site where the transcripts are posted,
demanding their removal. (A spokesman for the WB was
unaware that Twentieth was taking action against
``Buffy'' fan pages.)

``I understand they have the right to do this,'' Mr.
Thompson says, ``but in my opinion they're just shooting
themselves in the foot.''

Mike Godwin, the longtime counsel for the Electronic
Frontier Foundation and author of the book Cyber Rights,
says that Twentieth can use copyright law to prevent
others from using its copyrighted material. But Web
sites can counter that with a ``fair use'' argument if
the material is being excerpted for purposes of
criticism, reporting or other non-infringing uses.

``It is highly unlikely that [Twentieth] has lost a dime
in revenue or in the value of their intellectual
property because of the fansites,'' says Mr. Godwin.
``The converse is vastly more likely.''

Beyond the legal questions, one must ask whether
Twentieth's aggressive stance is all that practical. The
Net seems infinitely more vast than it did three years
ago. And with the ability to create Web sites anywhere
in the world (such as Tonga, home to such popular
domains as come.to and welcome.to), renegades will
always be able to stay out of the reach of Twentieth's
lawyers.

Melissa Boysen was one of those who led the protest
against the closure of ``X-Files'' pages in 1997. Today,
she notes, many of the sites that were closed down
simply found new Internet providers and set up shop
again.

``Judging from [Twentieth's] lack of updates on the
official page,'' says Ms. Boysen, ``I think they don't
really care that much anymore.''

***

Reader mail: Jonathan Bourne writes, "If Michael Davies
is really looking for a way to get more face time for a
woman or minority on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire,' he
can solve that problem with one simple change -- so long
Regis, hello Oprah."

Phil Scroggs writes, "Why is it that 'Talk Soup' on E!
shows clips from all the late night talk shows except
Letterman's?" Excellent question, which we posed to
"Late Show" spokesfriend Kim Izzo. "Basically, we don't
give stuff to 'Talk Soup' in order to protect the
integrity of the broadcast and our guests, and to keep
the guest interviews within the proper context of the
broadcast," Izzo said.

From one longtime reader to another, Stephen Pace
writes, "Let John Christensen know he did a fantastic
job on his write-up of being a contestant on 'Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire.'  Makes me sort of feel bad I
yelled at him through the TV when he missed that
question."

Bill Grieser was torqued off by a recent broadcast of
NBC's "The West Wing" that aired Nov. 3. "Here is a show
trying to be so realistic and yet it makes basic factual
errors," writes Bill. "The notion of a caretaker
Congressman who is taking over his late wife's seat
until a new one can be elected is based on an error.
Article I, Section 2 of the Constitution is very clear
that when vacancies occur, an election is called to fill
the vacancy. There is no such thing as a caretaker
congressman. The show is confusing the procedure in the
House with that of the Senate, which allows a governor
to appoint someone to fill a vacancy until an election
is held. Even an 8th-grade social-studies teacher -- the
congressman's occupation -- should know that.

"The whole plot centered on how the census should be
carried out. A White House staffer is quoting the
Constitution to the (bogus) caretaker congressman,
trying to get him to change his vote on some bill. The
staffer invokes a line in the Constitution that talks
about how representatives to Congress along the lines of
"free Persons" and "other Persons." But we no longer
make that distinction in this country, because that part
of the Constitution was repealed and modified by the
14th Amendment. The aide's argument is moot.

"Finally, in the climax of the show, the staff is seen
watching C-SPAN to learn the vote of this so-called
caretaker congressman. The clerk is solemnly reading off
each member's name as he or she earnestly answers "aye"
or "no." But anyone who has watched C-SPAN knows that
that the House never votes this way -- only the Senate
does. With 435 members in the House, a voice vote would
simply take too long. Even on something as momentous as
a presidential article of impeachment, the House votes
electronically." For a transcript of Mr. Grieser's
remarks, send 25 cents to Merkle Press, Washington,
D.C. ...

And Rusty Pasini writes, "Well, after quite a long
absence of watching Dave on the 'Late Show,' I was moved
to check in with him lately after reading your comments
on numerous occasions that his show has been getting
better and better lately.  I was quite surprised, and
relieved, to find that I agree with you. For example,
instead of finding three funny items in the Top Ten List
(usually found at #8, #5, and of course, #2), lately his
lists have had at least eight extremely funny jokes.
(The recent "Top Ten Headless Horseman Pet Peeves" list
comes to mind.)  Overall, his whole show almost feels as
of Dave had returned to 30 Rock and 'Late Night.' Just
watching tonight as Chef Eric Ripert looked on at Dave
guzzling liquor, then salad oil, just made it feel like
1987 all over again.  All I need now is a nice little
five-story brick building to toss various objects off
of, and the circle would be complete." Rusty, I have
just one word for you: Ga-ZE-bo!


***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, December 6: in 1948, the search for stars
	 begins on TV for "Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts" on
	 CBS. Among the talent introduced to the public during
	 the series' 10-year run are Pat Boone, The McGuire
	 Sisters, Rosemary Clooney, Tony Bennett, Steve Lawrence,
	 Roy Clark, Patsy Cline, and 13-year-old accordionist
	 Connie Francis. What do participants win if they impress
	 the audience? The chance to become regulars on Godfrey's
	 variety hour, "Arthur Godfrey and Friends," which
	 premieres five weeks later.

	 Tuesday, December 7: in 1969, it's a good day for kids
	 TV as the Public Broadcasting Service is officially
	 inaugurated, and "Frosty The Snowman" first comes
	 thumppety-thump-thumping down the street on CBS.

	 Wednesday, December 8, in 1984, two years after being
	 relegated to weekends, with a new show on Saturday and a
	 repeat on Sunday, the "Captain Kangaroo" Show last airs
	 on CBS. It holds the record for the longest-running
	 network children's show of all time, and probably the
	 record for the most use of ping-pong balls.

	 Thursday, December 9: in 1960, Elsie Lappin has just
	 bought a little shop from Florrie Lindley on the first
	 of twelve scheduled broadcasts of a soap opera called
	 "Coronation Street" on Britain's ITV. If the show is not
	 successful, the street will bulldozed in a possible
	 final thirteenth episode. The tales of the working class
	 not only do catch on, they become the most popular soap
	 opera in Britain and the world's longest-running
	 television serial drama.

	 Friday, December 10, in 1955, Mrs. Ethel Park Richardson
	 of Los Angeles wins a record (at the time) $100,000
	 on the NBC primetime game show "The Big Surprise." One
	 lifeline for contestants in the game is to get help from
	 a friend. But if your friend gets the substitute
	 question right, s/he also gets ten percent of your
	 winnings.

	 Saturday, December 11: in 1980, on the debut of
	 "Magnum, P.I.," our hero sets out to prove the innocence
	 of an old Navy buddy Dan Cook who's been found dead with
	 10 bags of cocaine in his stomach. Among the other
	 actors in the episode? Judge Reinhold and Robert Loggia.

	 Sunday, December 12: in 1988, Mike, Carol, Jan, Marcia,
	 Cindy, Peter, Greg, Bobby, Alice and their respective
	 husbands and wives gather for "A Very Brady Christmas"
	 on CBS. And then Mike gets trapped at a construction
	 site while trying to save two security guards from the
	 building's collapse.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Graham Allsopp, and the
	 wonderful team of Brooks & Marsh. Tune in next week for
	 the Test Paterns Christmas Special with Tony Bennett and
	 Celine Dion ... plus charming anecdotes about my
	 darlings Cassidy and Cody.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 12/6 Harrison Ford, David Bowie (R 10/4/99)
Tu 12/7 Farrah Fawcett, Dan Patrick (R 10/13/99)
We 12/8 Will Smith, Creed (R 11/16/99)
Th 12/9 Johnny Depp, stupid human tricks (R 11/12/99)
Fr 12/10 Julia Roberts, David Kelly (R 12/18/98)
Mo 12/13 R.E.M.
Tu 12/14 Gwyneth Paltrow, Blondie


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 12/6 Donald Trump, Rob Schneider, Michael Bolton
Tu 12/7 Michael Caine, Ranger the singing donkey, Christina Aguilera
We 12/8 Jewel
Th 12/9 Hank Azaria, young inventors, Celine Dion
Fr 12/10 Matt Damon, Bob Costas, Beck
Mo 12/13 Robin Williams, Blue Man Group
Tu 12/14 Sharon Stone, Michael Clarke Duncan, Bush


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 12/6 Wayne Newton, Ali Larter
Tu 12/7 Roseanne, Neal Karlen
We 12/8 Spike Jonze, Taye Diggs
Th 12/9 Ben Affleck, supermodel Yamila
Fr 12/10 Farrah Fawcett, Martin Mull, comedian Jim Gaffigan
Mo 12/13 Rob Schneider, football analyst Howie Long, hygiene guy Ken Smith


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 12/6 Dave Chappelle, Vicki Lewis, John Prine (R 9/14/99)
Tu 12/7 Jenna Elfman, Mark McKinney, Indigenous (R 9/17/99)
We 12/8 Norm Macdonald, Sean Hayes (R 9/23/99)
Th 12/9 Adam Sandler, Chris Eigeman (R 9/24/99)
Fr 12/10 Kevin Spacey, Christina Applegate (R 10/1/99)
Mo 12/13 Robin Williams, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (R 12/15/98)
Tu 12/14 Susan Sarandon, Carl Reiner, Alison Krauss & Union Station


LATER, NBC
Mo 12/6 Garry Marshall; host Vanessa Hollingshead (R 10/14/99)
Tu 12/7 Steve Oedekerk; host Lisa Ann Walter (R 11/10/99)
We 12/8 Buddy Hackett; host Lisa Amsterdam (R 10/21/99)
Th 12/9 Julia Sweeney; host Laura Kightlinger (R 11/1/99)


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
TBA

POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 12/6 Dana Carvey, Rep. Asa Hutchinson, Georgette Mosbacher, Heather Donohue
(R 8/23/99)
Tu 12/7 Clive Barker, David Bossie, Karen Kilgariff
We 12/8 Michael Bolton, Bill O'Reilly
Th 12/9 Terry Bradshaw, Melanie Morgan
Fr 12/10 Wrestlers Madusa, Sting, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, "Buff" Marcus
Bagwell
Mo 12/13 Donny Osmond, Bob Enyart, Martin Short, Armin Brott (R 6/18/99)


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 12/6 George Carlin
Tu 12/7 Rob Schneider
We 12/8 Shannen Doherty
Th 12/9 Paul Rudd (Kansas City's own ...)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0
Fr 12/10 11:30 PM TBA and The Artist (Formerly Known as Prince) (repeats Su
12/12 1:40 AM; We 12/15 11 PM)


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0 Plus (10:45 PM)
Tu 12/7 Cedric the Entertainer and rapper Nas


THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HBO Zone (reruns, 11PM)
Mo 12/6 NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and musical guest
Tu 12/7 NJ Nets Jayson Williams and comedian Melanie
We 12/8 Jerry Springer and and rapper DMX
Th 12/9 Rosie Perez and musical guest Esthero
Fr 12/10 Wynton Marsalis and musical guest Biz Markie WYNTON MARSALIS


DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL : 1000 YEARS, 100 LAUGHS, 10 REALLY
GOOD ONES", HBO
We 12/8 11:30 PM


DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/6 Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos on Models (6/11/99)
Tu 12/7 Bill Goldberg†on Wrestling (6/18/99)
We 12/8 David Spade†on Special Interest Groups (6/25/99)
Th 12/9 Bob Costas/Pete Sampras†on Is Everything Getting Worse? (7/9/99)
Fr 12/10 Matt Stone and Trey Parker on Shameless Self Promotion (7/16/99)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 12/6 "Nothing Personal" Marg Helgenberger, Jeff Goldblum (9/13/95)
Tu 12/7 "Brother, Can You Spare 1.2 Million?" Paul Willson (9/20/95)
We 12/8 "Conflict of Interest" Jennifer Aniston, Andy Kindler, Beck (9/27/95)
Th 12/9 "I Was a Teenage Lesbian" Michael Boatman, Brett Butler (10/11/95)
Fr 12/10 "Larry's Sitcom" Chris Elliott, Jennie Garth, Kevin Nealon (10/18/95)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 12/11 Right-wing X-mas carols on 'Darlene McBride's Holiday Album',
eight-year-old Evan visits Santa's sweatshop in a third world country; and 'A
Stuart Christmas'
Sa 12/18 Howie Long appears on "Cabana Chat With Dixie Wetsworth," A Pack Of
Gifts Now, Mexican Wrestling on 34th Street, GI Action Family, Lowered
Expectations, The Klumps, Corky & The Juice Pigs perform "X-Mas Dreams"
(r-12/13/97)


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 12/6 "Who Let You In" - Popemobile Chase, Nils' Guitar Shop, Imminent
Death Syndrome, Trial of the Millennium, Spank, Founding Fathers, Museum,
Watching Murder
Tu 12/7 "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop" - Charity Blind Gary, Subway,
Donut Shop, Megaphone madness, Greenlight gang, Coupon: The Trial, Coupon:
The Movie, Credits testimonial
We 12/8 "If You're Going to Write A Comedy Scene You're Going To Have Some
Rat Feces In There" - Mr. Show Corporation, Child Labor Writers Room, Van
Hammersley, Gay Son, Grass Valley Greg, Downsizing, Bhopal/Newsreel, New San
Francisco, GVG cleans/Bhopal
Th 12/9 "Now, Who Wants Ice Cream" - Sovereign nation, Mountain Douggie Part
1, Petersen Family News, Thrilling Miracles, Ernie Flies, Mountain Douggie
Part 2, Shampoo, FF Woodycocks, Independant nation games, Old Man in House
Fr 12/10 "The Biggest Failure in Broadway History" - Beating Hippe, No Adults
Allowed, New KKK, Ad awards/mob chase, Drunk Cops, Iguana, Jeepers Creepers,
Hippie Pie


THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW, HBO Comedy
Th 12/9 9:30 PM Episode 3?


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 12/11 Danny DeVito / R.E.M.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 12/6 1 PM & Midnight : Quentin Tarantino / The Smashing Pumpkins
(1995-'96) BugOff, The Spartan Spirits, Stan Hooper bible expert, Directors
on Directing, The Fops, Leg Up, Spade in America, All Aboard!;  6 PM MC
Hammer + Wednesday & Pugsley Addams (1991-'92) Michael Jackson vs. host, Dick
Clark's receptionist, Remembrances Of Love
Tu 12/7 1 PM & Midnight : Roseanne / Green Day + Rip Taylor (1994-'95) - Rude
Rescue 911, Civil War Memories, Funny Strange vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up;  6 PM
Michael Jordan  /  Public Enemy (1991-'92)  Wayne's World, The Dark Side w /
Nat X, Globetrotters
We 12/8 1 PM & Midnight : David Alan Grier / Silverchair (1995-'96)
Nightline, the Rocky Roads, The Today Show, Three Wise Men, Lenny The Lion,
Wake Up & Smile, Spade in America, Black People, Perspectives;  6 PM Rob
Morrow / Nirvana (1992-'93) Bush's Vomit : An Oliver Stone Movie, Salon,
Delta Delta Delta, Jan Brady, Victoria Jackson;  8 PM Charles Barkley /
Nirvana (1993-'94) Clinton Health Plan, Daily Affirmation, Coffee Talk, Deep
Thoughts, Gap Girls;  9 PM George Steinbrenner / The Time (1990-'91)
Middle-Aged Man, Winston-McCauley Funeral Home, The wimpy Boss, What Was I
Thinking?
Th 12/9 1 PM & Midnight : Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne + Rudolph
Giuliani & George Pataki (1995-'96) Rita Delvecchio, The Continental, Connie
Stinson Talks, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Spade in America;  6 PM Linda
Hamilton / Mariah Carey + Martin Scorsese (1991-'92) Leevi's 3, Tooncinator,
Pat, The Chris Farley Show
Fr 12/10 1 PM Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos (1995-'96) Nightline, The Fops, Joe
Pesci Show, Literary Theatre, Joe Blow, Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Bill
Brasky;  6 PM Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson (1991-'92) Wayne's World, C-Span
Covers the Election;  10 PM Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney (1992-'93) Dateline
with Toonces, Cluckin' Chicken, The Mimic, The Chris Farley Show, "Red Hooded
Sweatshirt," Gap Girls, Naked Woman Theatre;  11 PM Miranda Richardson / Soul
Asylum (1992-'93) Pat in "The Crying Game," Barry Green, MTV Spring Break
U.K. '93, Russell Simmons' Def Magic Show Jam
Sa 12/11 11 AM Quentin Tarantino / The Smashing Pumpkins (1995-'96) BugOff,
The Spartan Spirits, Stan Hooper bible expert, Directors on Directing, The
Fops, Leg Up, Spade in America, All Aboard!;  2 PM Tom Hanks / Bruce
Springsteen (1992-'93) Ross Perot, "How am I funny?," Sabra Price Is Right,
The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club, She Turned Into Her Mother!!;  3 PM
Michael Keaton / Morrisey (1992-'93) Elevator Man, The Gutties, The Set-Up;
4 PM Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor + Susan Sarandon (1992-'93) - Larry King
Live, Hollywood Minute, Founding Fathers, "Cooking With Dennis Miller,"
Sunday Morning Videos, That's Not Yogurt;  6 PM Patrick Stewart/ Salt -N-
Pepa (1993-'94) Philadelphia Action Figures, Scottish Therapist, sexy
bathroom cakes, Love Boat : The Next Generation, Cosby Mysteries, Show & Tell
with Joycelyn Elders, It's Not Their Fault
Su 12/12 11 AM John Goodman / Mary J. Blige + The Bravados (1992-'93) Makin
Copies at Waco, Wilson countersink flanges, Bear & Ox, Linda Richman, Soylent
Green director, How'd You Do That?;  10 PM Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell
(1990-'91) Mr. Subliminal, Mr. Short Term Memory, and the Global Warming
Christmas Special


TENACIOUS D, HBO Zone
Mo 12/6 5:40 AM


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO (reruns)
Mo 12/6 12:00 PM Scandal (1/20/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Plus, (Reruns)
Su 12/5  4:30 PM Drugs (1/(1/13/99)
Sa 12/11 5:35 AMDating (1/13/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Signatrure, (Reruns)
Su 12/12 3:55 AM Dating (1/13/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Comedy (reruns)
Mo 12/6 Noon Scandal (1/20/99); 10:30 PM Secrets (2/17/97)
Tu 12/7 10:30 PM Childhood (2/24/97)
We 12/8 10:30 PM 1976 (3/05/97)
Th 12/9 1:30 PM Religion (2/15/98) & 10:30 PM Food (3/12/97)
Fr 12/10 10:30 PM Crime (3/19/97) & 6 AM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..."
(4/3/96)
Sa 12/11 8 AM Fantasy (1/25/97); 7:35 PM Food (3/12/97)
Su 12/12 8 AM The Best of "Tracey Takes On..." (4/3/96)


"TURN BEN STEIN ON" Comedy Central
Th 12/9 10:30 PM & Sa 12/11 1:30 PM Carl Bernstein and filmmaker Alexander
Payne on "Does High School Success Determine Life Success?"


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 12/6 10:30PM & Sa 12/11 1:30AM The UCB uses its unlimited resources to
help a child defeat the school bully - his bus driver.


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 1999 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Send news for and comments about this newsletter to
aaron@...

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Nov. 29-Dec. 5, 1999
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


No doubt about it -- the new TV Barn listserver at
ONElist.com is lightning quick.  Last week's mailing
reached 9,200 destinations within minutes. And speaking
as the list-owner, I like ONElist's Web-based tools for
finding and hand-deleting subscriber records (everything
on the old American U. server had to be searched and
pulled using e-mail commands).

The downside, as several readers have pointed out, is that
advertisements are now attached to the bottom of every
mailing. This is a cause for concern and I'm going to
continue to review these addenda in the future.  My real
worry is that one of these days, some eager beaver at
ONElist is going to sell that ad space to a television
network, creating an unacceptable conflict of interest.
ONElist has dozens of TV-related discussion groups on
its servers; what better "target buy" for a network
promotion department?

As I hope you've figured out by now, TV Barn is not
UltimateTV. It's not TV Guide. It is not a publication
created for the purpose of delivering TV viewers'
eyeballs to TV networks' advertisements. This list
exists to deliver a critical guide to television -- and
those lineups -- to my readers. Period. I don't mind
receiving payment for my work, or an in-kind provision
from ONElist, so long as it stays on the up and up.
I'll work to ensure it does, and you can let me know if
you think otherwise.

***

Last word on 'Millionaire' (I promise)

A couple of thoughtful readers wrote in response to my
earlier piece on the preponderance of white contestants
on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," which ended on a
high note Wednesday as an infectiously happy deejay from
Philadelphia walked off with $250,000 because he knew
President James Buchanan was a bachelor.

Leszek Pawlowicz, a winner of the 1992 "Jeopardy!"
tournament of champions (and a more recent winner on
"Win Ben Stein's Money"), writes, "You missed a key
issue on the women contestant numbers. Sure, there are
more in the 'fastest finger' rounds, primarily due to
the lottery selection after the first telephone playoff
(and secondarily due to the phone questions this time
around being heavily skewed towards women). By my rough
estimate, about a fourth of all 'fastest finger'
contestants have been women this time around, versus
fewer than 10 percent in the summer series. But in that
series two of the 19 hot-seat competitors were women, or
a bit more than 10 percent. Not including tonight's
carry-over contestant, only three of 31 hot-seat
competitors this month have been women, or just under 10
percent. Unless there's a dramatic reversal over the
final three shows, the performance of women in the
second series will be far poorer than that of women in
the first series relative to their percentages in the
'fastest finger.'

"If anything, you could argue that the second series
numbers are even worse than they appear, since most of
the shows in the first series were half an hour long
while most of the shows this time around will be an hour
long. Longer shows mean more chances at the hot seat in
a single show; since men were the primary winners of the
Fast Finger, as they left their Fast Finger seats, the
odds should have improved in successive tries for the
women on the show. They didn't.

"The problem, I think, is a consequence of the addition
of a lottery to the selection procedure. For the first
series, all of the qualification for playoffs were based
on the time required to enter the questions. While this
always has skewed towards males, what it also meant is
that any women who made it to the show were going to be
as fast and as competitive as any of the men in
answering the 'fastest finger' question. By eliminating
the time factor this time around in the first round
(because advancement to the second round was randomly
determined), the number of women moving on increased,
but the average quality of women contestants in the
'fastest finger' decreased.

"Ironically, if they had not chosen contestants at
random, but kept their other changes (skewing the
questions towards women and coming up with a system to
enforce the two-entries-per-day rule), they would have
probably had not just as high a percentage of women in
the 'fastest finger,' but a much higher percentage in
the hot seat.

"Doubly ironic since the executive producer of
'Millionaire,' Michael Davies, has said that selecting
show contestants will not involve a lottery because 'in
this country, lottery winners are not really respected
because they never earned it.' The same problem would
occur if they went to a quota system to ensure slots for
women and minorities; if they don't choose the best
possible candidates for those slots, the 'hot seat'
results will be the same. But I have less of a problem
with quotas than I do with the lottery."

Eric Deggans, TV critic of the St. Petersburg Times,
adds, "The key difference between standardized testing
in school and game show questions is that contestants
must choose to participate in the game show. Indeed, it
takes a lot of effort to get on 'Millionaire.' So I'm
not sure it's fair to conclude  that, because there is a
lack of minorities on the show, it's because the
questions are somehow unfairly slanted towards white
people. Perhaps there's a lack of minorities because
people of color are not competing in proportional
amounts."

"I think such shows are slanted towards white people for
the simple fact that questions are written from the
viewpoint of mainstream, white culture -- like just
about every other game show. So you have whole
categories on 'Jeopardy!' about European composers and
few questions on blues or jazz artists from, say, 80
years ago. But is that something the game show people
can do anything about -- given that they're trying to
attract mainstream audiences? I doubt it." What? You
mean not everybody knows the three-letter abbreviation
printed on a bottle of suntan lotion?

Here's my point, which I'll say one more time and then
be done with it: "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" is a
phenomenon. It's not the No. 1-rated syndicated show. It
is the biggest show in television. Now take a look at
the other top programs on TV. Two are lily-white
comedies ("Friends" and "Frasier") ... but three have
broader racial appeal and rate well among minority
viewers ("ER," "Monday Night Football" and "Touched by
an Angel"). Why? Because they incorporate
African-Americans on camera. Until "Millionaire" figures
out how to do otherwise -- and trust me, I haven't got
the silver bullet -- its producers and promoters should
stop claiming to be the show that "everybody watches."

Finally, there's this from reader Larry Raymond: "Hmmmm
... while we're at it why don't we lower the nets that
the white basketball players shoot at and shorten the
lanes for the white guys trying out for the Olympic
track team? I'm so tired of this. You'd think women and
minorities would be too." Hm, well, last I checked
"Millionaire" doesn't involve very much physical prowess,
except perhaps to stay balanced in that precarious hot
seat. But it does require logical-analytical skills.
Something analogous to the job description of a manager
or coach or team executive ... and we all know how easy
it's been for minorities to get *those* jobs.

And that's my final riposte.

***

Still more reader mail, and not *all* of it is on
"Millionaire." Although now that you mention it,
JHDover262-at-AOL-dot-com writes, "On Tuesday
night's show, one of the lower-level questions went
something like, What does the 'S' in 'SAT' stand
for?  The man answered 'Scholastic,' and was
advanced to the next level. However, the College
Board and the Educational Testing Service have
decided that the letters S-A-T no longer represent
any specific words." Say, did I mention that the SAT is
to "Millionaire" as almond butter is to tahini?

Bill Grieser asks, "There was a question about who won
an Emmy for being a guest on Carson's last show (answer:
Bette Midler). Wasn't his last show just Carson sitting
on a stool, and Bette was on the next-to-last show?" If
that was the final question, then you are correct, sir.

And Geof O'Keefe (who also mentioned the Midler
question) adds, "On another show the question asked
which of four listed David E. Kelley shows does not take
place in a law office ('Ally McBeal,' 'The Practice,'
'Picket Fences,' 'L.A. Law'). Again, the outcome wasn't
affected since the contestant correctly chose 'Picket
Fences,' but 'L.A. Law' wasn't a Kelley show; it was a
Steven Bochco/Terry Louise Fisher show. Kelley wrote for
it during a number of seasons, but unlike the other
three choices, it wasn't his creation."

Darren Glass responds to a previous letter-writer who
wonders why musical guests aren't asked over to the
host's interview panel more often on talk shows. "I'm a
big music junkie and would love to see many of my
favorite artists interviewed," says Darren. "However,
anyone wanting to know why it isn't the standard
practice just needed to be watching 'The Daily Show'
last night as Jon Stewart tried to interview Tori Amos.
It was one of the most awkward uncomfortable moments I
have ever watched on a talk show, as she really just
didn't know how to be a decent interviewee at all."

***

Here is a true archival gem you've got to hear: a
5-minute excerpt of David Letterman on the radio in
Muncie, Indiana, in 1969. It's an April Fools' Day
broadcast on station WAGO at Ball State University,
Letterman's alma mater, and in it he places a prank
phone call to a "Lyla Whip," who in fact is his wife of
one year, Michelle Cook. As you'll hear, Dave is already
learning to fill the dead air with familiar banalities
("boys and girls," "ladies and gentlemen"). If you
haven't yet downloaded RealPlayer, here's your best
excuse yet. Click here to reach the archive site of
radio buff Tom Corbett:
http://www.reelradio.com/tc/index.html#dlwago69

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, November 29: in 1985, on A Very Special
	 episode of "Diff'rent Strokes," <what-chu talkin' about>
	 turns out to be white supremacy, which young Arnold has
	 discovered as part of a civics assignment. The episode
	 winds up dealing with First Amendment rights.

	 Tuesday, November 30: in 1977, after 18 broadcasts
	 over the course of two decades on all three major
	 networks, CBS telecasts Bing Crosby's final Christmas
	 special two months after his death. "Bing Crosby's
	 Merrie Olde Christmas Show" features Twiggy, "Oliver!"
	 star Ron Moody, Stanley Baxter, Trinity Boys Choir, the
	 Crosby family and what the special is best-known for:
	 "The Little Drummer Boy," a duet between Der Bingelmeister
	 and David Bowie.

	 Wednesday, December 1: in 1992, having proved himself a
	 major talent on ABC's "Roseanne," comedian and sex
	 symbol Tom Arnold is rewarded with his own sitcom "The
	 Jackie Thomas Show." (Shhhh, let's let him believe
	 that.)

	 Thursday, December 2: in 1969, "Master" Tony Nelson
	 finally grants Jeannie's wish, and marries her on "I
	 Dream Of Jeannie."

	 Friday, December 3: in 1968, "If you're lookin' for
	 trouble/You came to the right place," sings "The King,"
	 in a tight close-up opening "Elvis's 1968 Comeback
	 Special," proving he's still got it, despite what
	 trendsetters way, even if he's heavier than when you
	 last saw him.

	 Saturday, December 4: in 1970, Frank Reynolds ends his
	 gig as Howard K. Smith's co-anchor of "ABC Evening
	 News," to be replaced at the desk by Harry Reasoner.
	 Reynolds wryly notes that "Due to circumstances beyond
	 my control, the unemployment statistics rose yesterday."

	 Sunday, December 5: in 1978, on "Three's Company," when
	 Jack, Janet, and Chrissy plan a house party, landlord
	 Stanley Roper won't hear of it and posts a sign reading
	 "The party's canceled." His wife Helen sides with the
	 tenants and tells Stanley that their "marriage is
	 canceled, too."

	 [Special thanks to David Tanny & Steven Lewis. Tom Heald
	 is proud to present this column here each week with a
	 "childish," "sophomoric," and "smug" sense of humor. At
	 least he has one.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 11/29 Barbara Walters, sports reporter Dan Patrick, Mary J. Blige
Tu 11/30 Jenny McCarthy, Martha Stewart, Foo Fighters
We 12/1 Tim Robbins, Laetitia Casta, B.B. King, Dr. John
Th 12/2 Patrick Stewart, Al Franken
Fr 12/3 Geena Davis, synchronized swimmer Bill May, Fiona Apple
Mo 12/6 Harrison Ford, David Bowie


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 11/29 Kate Winslet, 98 Degrees
Tu 11/30 Sigourney Weaver, Sean Hayes, Kenny G
We 12/1 Boomer Esiason, Carrot Top
Th 12/2 Rosie O'Donnell, Skeet Ulrich
Fr 12/3 Portia de Rossi, Trisha Yearwood

Mo 12/6 Donald Trump, Rob Schneider, Michael Bolton
Tu 12/7 Christina Aguilera, Michael Caine


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 11/29 Dick Butkus, the Paula Cole Band
Tu 11/30 Billy Baldwin, Debbie Harry
We 12/1 No Guest Night
Th 12/2 Laetitia Casta, Bil Dwyer
Fr 12/3 Skeet Ulrich, Gary Payton

Mo 12/6 Wayne Newton, Ali Larter
Tu 12/7 Roseanne, Neal Karlen


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 11/29 Sam Donaldson, Illeana Douglas, Jimeoin (R 9/9/99)
Tu 11/30 Kevin Pollak, John Lurie & The Lounge Lizards
We 12/1 Carson Daly, Dan Cronin
Th 12/2 Saffron Burrows, Garth Brooks, Beck
Fr 12/3 Tim Robbins, S. Epatha Merkerson, Laura Kightlinger

Mo 12/6 Dave Chappelle, Vicki Lewis, John Prine (R 9/14/99)
Tu 12/7 Jenna Elfman, Mark McKinney, Indigenous (R 9/17/99)


LATER, NBC
Mo 11/29 Isabel Sanford; host Lynne Koplitz
Tu 11/30 Richard Kind; host Lynne Koplitz
We 12/1 Vicki Lawrence; host Lynne Koplitz
Th 12/2 Erik Palladino; host Lynne Koplitz


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 11/29 Senator George Mitchell, Helmut Newton


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 11/29 Jimmy Kimmel, John "Big Dawg" Thompson, Brian "Mr. Cheer" Maas
Tu 11/30 Sen. Joseph Lieberman, William Baldwin, Barbara Olson
We 12/1 Bobcat Goldthwait, Stephen Collins, Jack W. Germond, Genevieve Wood
Th 12/2 Michael Moore
Fr 12/3 Deborah Harry


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
Mo 11/29 Goo Goo Dolls
Tu 11/30 Stephen Rea
We 12/1 Laura San Giacomo
Th 12/2 Michael Boatman

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HB0
We 12/1 11 PM Hammer and rapper Q-Tip
Fr 12/3 11:30 PM Cedric the Entertainer and rapper Nas (repeats Su 12/5 11:50
PM; We 12/8 11 PM; Th 12/9 10:30 PM)

THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HBO Zone (reruns, 11PM)
We 12/1 Boxer Roy Jones, Jr. and Salt-N-Pepa
Th 12/2 Jada Pinkett and musical guest LSG
Fr 12/3 Johnnie Cochran and musical guest Tricky

DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL : 1000 YEARS, 100 LAUGHS, 10 REALLY
GOOD ONES" HBO
Sa 12/4 10 PM

DENNIS MILLER : THE MILLENIUM SPECIAL : 1000 YEARS, 100 LAUGHS, 10 REALLY
GOOD ONES" HBO Plus
Su 12/5 11 PM

DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 11/29 Ray Romano on Doctors (5/ 7/99)
Tu 11/30 Camryn Manheim on Popularity and Charisma (5/ 14/99)
We 12/1 Kathy Bates on Pets (5/21/99)
Th 12/2 Rob Lowe†on Buying a House (6/4/99)
Fr 12/3 Garry Shandling on Schadenfreud (12/02/94)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 11/29 "Arthur After Hours" Ryan O'Neal, Sandra Bernhard, Joan Embry
Tu 11/30 "The Bump" Jeff Cesario, Rob Lowe, Vendela, David Duchovny
We 12/1 "Jeannie's Visit" Tatjana Patitz
Th 12/2 "The P.A." Colin Quinn, Chris Isaak, Silvertone Larry King (8/23/95)
Fr 12/3 "Hank's Sex Tape" Jon Favreau, Henry Winkler, Norm Macdonald (8/30/95)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 12/4 "Celine Dion's" wacky side, the Vancome Lady offends every cast
member, broadcast standards and the executive producer, only to land a job as
a Fox exec, in "Vancome Vs. Mad TV Misadventure" and "Kenny G." guest stars
on Susan and Frank Cadle's late-night show, live from their bed, in "Cold
Angry Bed."
Sa 12/11 Right-wing X-mas carols on 'Darlene McBride's Holiday Album';
eight-year-old Evan visits Santa's sweatshop in a third world country; and 'A
Stuart Christmas'


MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 11/29 "Patriotism, Pepper, and Professionalism" - Resort Cold Open,
Executive Open, Money Warning, Weeklong Romance, Marilyn Monster, Praying
Machines, Info Jimmy, Goodbye, Vendetta, Info Jimmy
Tu 11/30 The Best of Mr. Show
We 12/1 "The Cry of a Hungry Baby" Entitilitus, HItler sings, guys in,
A**hole at party, Change for a dollar, Ronnie Dobbs, Incubation Pants
Th 12/2 "What to Think" w/ Janeane Garafolo - Arts runding, Tracking collar,
Ole Swerdlow, Books for seniors, Good News, Jesus and Marshall,
Announcements, Commercials of the Future, The Joke : The Musical
Fr 12/3 "We Regret To Inform You" - Letters, Kissing Booth, Gay Porn Titles,
Third Wheel, Writers in audience, Screwballz, Video Complaints, Borden Grote,
Soul singer, Supermodels hotline, Film festival


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 11/28 Tom Melissis, Star Of CBC soap opera Riverdale
Tu 11/29 Dog photog William Wegman, David Ben close-up magician, musical
guest Bionic
We 11/30 Lynda Reeves, host of CTVís House and Home, musical guest The
Philosopher Kings
Th 12/1 Julie Stewart Star of CTVís Cold Squad musical guest Natalie
MacMaster
Fr 12/2 musical guest Sevendust


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 12/4 Christina Ricci / Beck
Sa 12/11 Jim Carrey or Danny DeVito / R.E.M. + "Andy KAufman" and/or "Tony
Clifton"


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC Up All Night
Sa 12/4 Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt (1977-'78) Ike & Tina, Olympia Cafe,
X-Police Roseanne Roseannadanna on aneurisms & toenails, Nick "Winters" at a
ski lodge, Todd, Lisa, & Spaz, Rhonda Weiss, "Attack Of The Giant Lobsters,"


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 11/29 1PM & 12:30 AM Martin Short / No Doubt (1996-97) Celebrity
Jeopardy!, Martha Stewart's topless Christmas, Ed Grimley, Roxbury Guys,
Barbara Walters interviews Jackie Rogers, Jr., Larry Azaria's Mostly Used
Mattresses, Mickey The Dyke;  6PM Rosie O'Donnell / James Taylor + Casey
Kasem (1993-'94) The Packwood Diaries, Sinatra Duets, Daily Affirmation, Dick
Clark's receptionist, The Tomboy & The Sissy, Tom Schiller's "Will Work For
Food"
Tu 11/30 1PM Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg (1993-'94) Planet Of The Apes,
Infiniti Q45 Toilet, Coffee Talk, Herlihy Boy, The President Is Illiterate,
Hollywood Minute, NRA's Five-Day Loaner Program, King Solomon Junior High
Career Day,  6PM Nicole Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots (1993-'94) Wayne's
World, The Denise Show, Hyperactive Phillip, Sprockets, Ross Perot;  8PM
Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five (1997-'98) Publishers Clearing House in
the ghetto, Pulp Fiction screen tests, Jazzterpieces, Judge Judy, TVFunhouse
: George Clooney, Titanic, Mango, The Learning Annex, Poolside Lovin;  9PM
John Travolta / Seal (1994-'95) Bathroom Monkey, Coffee Talk, Quentin
Tarantino's "Welcome Back Kotter," Larry King Live
We 12/1 1 PM & Midnight Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler (1995-'96) O.J.
Today, Ad, Nightline, Leg Up, Spade in America, Biography, Chicken Lady;  6
PM Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd (1991-'92) Johnny Carson's retirement, 8
monologue moves, Earthies, Making Copies, The Chris Farley Show, Community
College Bowl
Th 12/2 1 PM & Midnight Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories + Father Guido
Sarducci (1995-'96) NFL on NBC with O.J., Lobotol, Althea, The Blame Game,
70's prom, Gangsta Bitch Barbie, The Mark Fuhrman Show, Spade in America,
Lampreys;  6 PM Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox (1991-'92) Stand-Up & Win,
Operaman, EBS Test, Elijah the Prophet, Lank Thompson, I'm Chillin'
Fr 12/3 1 PM Jason Patric / Blind Melon + Richard Simmons (1993-'94) Don
Lapre, Mister Intense, NFL, Coffee Talk, Where's The Rest Of Me?, Herlihy
Boy;  6 PM John Goodman / The Pretenders (1993-'94) Cuomo vs. Stern, Captain
Jim & Pedro, Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol/Cops, hunting with
Rush Limbaugh & Ron Wood, ninjas, Theatre Stories, Michael Bolton: In His Own
Words, Flintstones names;  10 PM Sting (1990-'91) Wayne's World, The Sinatra
Group, elevator ride, Makin' Copies, one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken,
Coffee Talk with Paul Baldwin;  11 PM Garth Garth Brooks + Robert Duvall
(1997-'98) Mango, Oprah, Fun With Real Audio- David Brenner, Old French
Whore!, Cinder Calhoun, Who's More Grizzled?!, Goat Boy;  Midnight John
Turturro/Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers + Joey Buttafuoco + David Hasselhoff
(1994-'95) Eych,  Christopher Walken's Celebrity Psychic Friends, David
Hasselhoff confronts Norm MacDonald, Taxi Driver: the musical, Stop That,
Jamaicans, Dentists, The Movie Club;  1 AM Martin Lawrence / Crash Test
Dummies (1993-'94)Jeff Gillooly, Daily Affirmation, Hollywood Minute, Thugs
Sa 12/4 11 AM George Wendt / Elvis Costello (1990-'91) Dennis Miller's Last
Show, Lil' General Fireworks, Mr. No-Depth Perception, Super Fans, It's Pat!,
The Carsenio Show, I'm Chillin', Burger Barn;  4 PM Andie MacDowell / Tracy
Chapman (1989-'90) Energizer Bunny, Church Chat, The Night Hanukkah Harry
Saved Christmas, Victoria Jackson sings "Santa Please Skip Christmas This
Year";  6 PM Roseanne / Green Day + Rip Taylor (1994-'95) - Rude Rescue 911,
Civil War Memories, Funny Strange vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up
Su 12/5 7:30AM Kyle MacLachlan / Sinead O'Connor (1990-'91) Sprockets, Twin
Peaks, one-man mobile uplink unit Al Franken;  8:30AM Roseanne / Green Day +
Rip Taylor (1994-'95) - Rude Rescue 911, Civil War Memories, Funny Strange
vs. Funny haha, Lock-Up;  9:30AM & 2 AM Bill Murray / Sting (1992-'93) The
WhipMaster, Frequent Flyer, I'm Chillin';  3 AM Roseanne Barr / Deee-Lite
with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band (1990-'91) Mr. Subliminal, MetroCard,
Misery II, Pat, Happy Fun Ball, Comedy Killers Victoria's Secrets


TENACIOUS D, HBO Zone
Fr 12/3 10:30 PM


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO (reruns)
Mo 11/29 3 PM Drugs (1/13/99)
Th 12/2 4:20 AM Hair (1/20/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Plus, (Reruns)
Su 12/5  4:30 PM Drugs (1/(1/13/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Signatrure, (Reruns)
Tu 11/30 12:30 PM End of the World (3/17/99)

TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Comedy (reruns)
Mo 11/29 3:30 PM Lies (1/27/99), 9:30 PM Obsession (3/10/99), 10:30 PM Fame
(3/27/96)
Tu 11/30 10:30 PM Sex (1/18/97)
We 12/1 5:45 PM Childhood (2/24/97); 10:30 PM Fantasy (1/25/97)
Th 12/2 9:35 PM Sports (3/08/98); 10:30 PM Mothers (2/2/97); 4:20 AM Hair
(1/20/99)
Fr 12/3 6 PM Movies (3/26/97) & 12/3 10:30 PM Las Vegas (2/08/97)
Sa 12/4 7:30 AM Marriage (1/04/98)


"TURN BEN STEIN ON" Comedy Central
Th 12/2 10:30 PM & Sa 12/4 1:30 PM Carl Reiner and Katie Wagner (Robert's
daughter) on "Growing Up in Hollywood"


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 11/29 10:30PM The UCB causes chaos in the corporate world.


Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 1999 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

Send news for and comments about this newsletter to
aaron@...

THIS WEEK AT THE TV BARN
http://www.tvbarn.com
Nov. 22-28, 1999
------------------------
To join or leave this
mailing list, see end
of message.
------------------------


This is the first weekly mailing from our new listserver
home -- I'm sending it at around noon Monday, Central
time. Let me know if it gets to your mailbox faster or
slower than usual.

***

The color of "Millionaire's" money

The question is not whether John Carpenter, the IRS
employee who smugly ran the table last week on "Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire," was given too many easy
questions. Obviously he was. The question is not whether
anyone will learn to use their "50/50" lifeline
correctly, either in the three remaining nights of this
run of television's biggest sensation or in the show's
inevitable future runs. The most puzzling question facing
"Millionaire" executive producer Michael Davies may be:
Why are all the contestants white?

Earlier this month, in a conference call with reporters,
Davies lamented the preponderance of white male
contestants during "Millionaire's" summer run. To
alleviate this problem, Davies announced a rule change:
All contestants who answered a set of telephone
questions correctly within 15 seconds would be entered
into a random drawing to determine who advanced to the
second round. Previously both qualifying rounds had been
speed-plus-accuracy; now only the second round would be,
in the hopes of getting more diversity out of the first
"fastest finger" qualifier.

The results were impressive, in one respect: Women began
showing up on "Millionaire" this month in larger
numbers. On at least two nights women made up the
majority of the 10-contestant panels. So the gender gap
has been closed. But in a sense that only brings
"Millionaire" into line with its 1950s precedessor, "The
$64,000 Question," which featured a goodly number of
female contestants (most famously Dr. Joyce Brothers,
whose photographic memory allowed her to run the table
on her category of boxing) but like most TV of that era,
excluded minorities. If Davies wants a show more
representative of the Clinton era than the Eisenhower
era, then shouldn't he be addressing the fact -- for
instance -- that African-Americans, who are 13 percent of
the population, haven't comprised even 1 percent of
"Millionaire" finalists?

Game show historian Steve Beverly has been watching the
show every night and he's counted two black men as
"fastest finger" contestants. The occasional Asian and
Latino player has shown up, but not in especially large
numbers. Black women are nowhere to be seen on the show,
unless you count the one who was cheering on her white
boyfriend from the audience.

"Yet I don't know what else you can
do unless you just declare an open quota or change the
whole system of picking contestants," says Beverly, who
notes that "Jeopardy!" has come under the same criticism
in the past.

Still, the problem of minority contestants on
"Millionaire" -- and it is a problem, so long as its
executive producer continues to brag about the show
reaching "every demographic" in TV land -- is part of a
larger and more socially complex problem: whether a
culture that has re-oriented its success system around
test achievement is granting equal opportunity to all.

That subject is the basis for author Nick Lemann's
brilliant new book, The Big Test: The Secret History of
the American Meritocracy, which offers a thorough -- and
thoroughly engrossing -- account of the rise of
standardized testing and its role in determining who got
to go to college, and in particular the nation's best
colleges. Though I agree with the critique of
Amazon.com's reviewer (Lemann casts a wide net and it's
not always easy to figure out what he's trying to do in
the book's midsection), I'd still recommend The Big Test
to anyone concerned about equality in America.

One of the important subplots in Lemann's book is the
birth of affirmative action as everyone from university
presidents to testing officials to the U.S. Supreme
Court struggles to reconcile race-based preferences with
the "meritocratic society" in which those with the best
test scores get the best opportunities. (Just last week,
the NAACP announced a two-pronged assault on the current
state of achievement testing to be more fair to black
test-takers.)

What does this have to do with an insanely successful
game show? Nothing -- unless you're a minority viewer
and would like to see more contestants on that show that
look like you. In which case "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire" is almost a perfect microcosm (right down
to the test-taking format of the show) of a larger
problem facing the shapers of American opportunity: how
important it is to create a tableau of racial and gender
diversity in all our major institutions, educational and
cultural, while being fair to all.

Lemann's book can be found at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0374299846/tvbarn/

***

This week at the TV Barn: Once again the creators of a
popular TV show are trying to shut down their fans'
websites -- details Wednesday at <http://www.tvbarn.com>.

***

Tom Heald's TEST PATTERNS
<tomalhe@...>

	 Monday, November 22: in 1968, southern NBC affiliates
	 balk when the first interracial kiss is implied on "Star
	 Trek." When the crew lands on a planet ruled by "Plato's
	 Stepchildren," the crew are used as playthings by a
	 group of aliens who have based their culture on ancient
	 Greece. Among the humiliations of the crew, for the
	 amusement of the Platonians -- a kiss between Captain
	 James Kirk and Communications Officer Lt. Nyota Uhura.
	 The scene was actually filmed two ways: one with a fully
	 shown kiss, the other with the embrace shown from behind
	 William Shatner's head. Though controversial, the kiss
	 was just a miss.

	 Tuesday, November 23: in 1958, Ronald and Nancy Reagan
	 appear together in the "General Electric Theatre"
	 production of "A Turkey for the President." Decades
	 later, Nancy will return to the national stage
	 co-starring with a turkey *as* the President.

	 Wednesday, November 24: in 1983, 20 years after the JFK
	 assassination, another shocking TV death occurs, but at
	 least this time America's parents are ready to help
	 explain it to their children: Will Lee, who played Mr.
	 Hooper on "Sesame Street," has passed away at age 74.
	 The show's producers were faced with the problem of how
	 to explain the disappearance of Mr. Hooper. Rather than
	 simply have another owner buy the store or have Hooper
	 move away, the producers chose to wait until
	 Thanksgiving Day to deal with the concept of death -- so
	 that parents could watch the show with their kids. Big
	 Bird is reminded by neighbor Susan, "When people die,
	 they don't come back." "Ever?" Big Bird whispers. All
	 the neighborhood adults are there to comfort Big Bird as
	 the camera pulls back. "I was glad my friends were
	 there. They said we can always think about Mr. Hooper.
	 And I do. He used to make me birdseed milk shakes."

	 Thursday, November 25: in 1960, Edward R. Murrow
	 deep-sixed his broadcast career by fighting to broadcast
	 his landmark documentary on the plight of America's
	 migrant farm workers, "Harvest Of Shame." A few weeks
	 later a disheartened Murrow leaves CBS News for the
	 Kennedy administration as director of the US Information
	 Agency (Voice of America).

	 Friday, November 26: in 1993, Penn and Teller perform
	 the world largest (if not stupidest) card trick on "Late
	 Show with David Letterman." "Pick a card, any card,"
	 says Penn Jilette. But the cards are huge, are made of
	 steel, and are so heavy the madmen of magic must use
	 forklifts to shuffle them.

	 Saturday, November 27: in 1980, Henry Desmond and Kip
	 Wilson move to New York when their friend Amy promises
	 them a great apartment that's dirt cheap. They soon find
	 out why it's so cheap -- it's a hotel for women. The duo
	 make one adjustment. The other ladies know soon know
	 them as Buffy and Hildegarde, but also them as Kip and
	 Henry, Buffy and Hildy's brothers. See? It's all
	 perfectly normal, on ABC's "Bosom Buddies." Co-star Tom
	 Hanks would later say that someone should ever make a
	 movie version of the show, he thinks Keanu Reeves should
	 play his part. (Fortunately there are no plans for it.)

	 Sunday, November 28: in 1997, MTV airs the final
	 original regular installment of "Beavis & Butt-head."
	 After the boys are truant a full three weeks, the
	 principal's office calls "the house" to learn the
	 whereabouts of the boys...only to learn "Beavis &
	 Butt-head Are Dead." Cue flashbacks.

	 [Thanks to David Tanny, Dan Pawlak, and Peter
	 Vassilakis. Tom Heald may actually be on the radio for
	 12 hours straight Thanksgiving Day; be thankful you're
	 not one of his listeners.]

***

THE LINEUPS
with Sue Trowbridge <http://www.interbridge.com>
and Tom Heald


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Mo 11/22 Bryant Gumbel, Tony Bennett
Tu 11/23 Kathie Lee Gifford, Charlotte Church
We 11/24 Julianna Margulies, chef Eric Ripert, Third Eye Blind
Th 11/25 George Carlin, Jewel
Fr 11/26 Billy Baldwin

Mo 11/29 Barbara Walters, sports reporter Dan Patrick, Mary J. Blige
Tu 11/30 Jack Lemmon, Martha Stewart, Foo Fighters
We 12/1 Tim Robbins, Laetitia Casta, B.B. King, Dr. John


THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC
Mo 11/22 Arnold Schwarzenegger, Garth Brooks
Tu 11/23 Tom Hanks, John Glenn, Puff Daddy
We 11/24 Cameron Diaz, golfer Sergio Garcia, Enrique Iglesias
Th 11/25 Rodney Dangerfield, young turkey callers
Fr 11/26 Melissa Etheridge, Noah Wyle

Mo 11/29 Kate Winslet, 98 Degrees
Tu 11/30 Sigourney Weaver, young inventors


LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN, CBS
Mo 11/22 Richard Kind, Sean Cullen
Tu 11/23 Luke Perry, Bryan Ferry
We 11/24 Karl Malone, Chris Connelly
Th 11/25 TBA
Fr 11/26 Jeri Ryan

Mo 11/29 Billy Baldwin, Deacon Jones, the Paula Cole Band
Tu 11/30 Brooke Shields


LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC
Mo 11/22 Chris Rock, Joe Queenan, Ann Curry
Tu 11/23 Elizabeth Hanford Dole, Everything But The Girl
We 11/24 Jay Mohr, S. Epatha Merkerson, comic Janine DiTillio
Th 11/25 Roshumba, Joe Strummer
Fr 11/26 Brian Williams, Heidi Klum, Sting

Mo 11/29 Sam Donaldson, Illeana Douglas, Jimeoin (R 9/9/99)
Tu 11/30 Kevin Pollak, John Lurie & The Lounge Lizards
We 12/1 Dan Cronin


LATER, NBC
Mo 11/22 Julie Warner; host Nicole Sullivan
Tu 11/23 Wilmer Valderrama; host Nicole Sullivan
We 11/24 John Ducey; host Nicole Sullivan
Th 11/25 Daisy Fuentes; host Nicole Sullivan


THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW, PBS
Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative
Mo 11/22 Gabriel Byrne, Russian Tea Room panel with Warner Leroy, Faith Stewart
Gordon
Tu 11/23 Dana Reeve


POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC
Mo 11/22 Privacy activist Ken Curtis, Kevin Pollak
Tu 11/23 Victoria Jackson, Bob Enyart, Larry Flynt, Lynn Redgrave
We 11/24 TBA
Th 11/25 Russell Means, Wes Studi, Irene Bedard, Ken Hamblin
Fr 11/26 Paul Kantner, China Kantner, Gail Zappa, Ahmet Zappa

Mo 11/29 Greg Gumbel, "Big Dawg"
Tu 11/30 Sen. Joseph Lieberman
We 12/1 Barbara Olsen


THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
TBA

CHRIS ROCK, HB0
Fr 11/26 Hammer and rapper Q-Tip
Fr 12/3 Cedric the Entertainer and rapper Nas
Fr 12/10 TBA and The Artist (Formerly Known as Prince)


DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 11/22 Christopher Hitchens on Skepticism (3/26/99)
Tu 11/23 Norm MacDonald on Bad Taste (4/2/99)
We 11/24 Jeff Greenfield on America as Global Policeman (4/9/99)
Th 11/25 Jeff Bridges on Charity and Philanthropy (4/23/99)
Fr 11/26 "Mr Show" w/ Bob and David on College (4/30/99)


THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW, HBOSignature (reruns)
Mo 11/22 "Next Stop Bottom" Sarah Jessica Parker, Mary Gross, Wendy Leibman,
George Segal
Tu 11/23 "Arthur's Crises (a.k.a. Artie's Crisis)" Clint Black, Kris
Kristofferson
We 11/24 "End of the Season" Roseanne, Pat Sajak, Michael Richards, Jeff
Cesario
Th 11/25 "Roseanne's Return" Roseanne, Chevy Chase
Fr 11/26 "Hank's New Assistant" Dana Carvey


LOUIS C.K.'S FILTHY, STUPID TALENT SHOW, Comedy Central
Tu 11/23 10 PM Sheriff John, Nixony the talking cow, a diabetic violinist,
mime/magician the Amazing Renaldo, a Jew wrestler, High Energy Man, and an
over-bearing mother who is convinced her son has some kind of repressed
"talent."
We 11/24 3 PM (repeat of Tu 11/23)
Fr 11/26 5:30 PM & 2 AM (repeat of Tu 11/23)


MAD TV, FOX
Sa 11/27 Stone Phillips profiles "Devon's Creek," "Second Hand Lorraine,' and
Melina & Lida try and crash a Ricky Martin concert
Sa 12/4 "Celine Dion's" wacky side, the Vancome Lady offends every cast
member, broadcast standards and the executive producer, only to land a job as
a Fox exec, in "Vancome Vs. Mad TV Misadventure" and "Kenny G." guest stars
on Susan and Frank Cadle's late-night show, live from their bed, in "Cold
Angry Bed."

MR. SHOW WITH BOB AND DAVID, HBOComedy (reruns)
Mo 11/22 "It's Perfectly Understandishable" - Rehearsal Open, Those Amazing
Actors, Blind Girl, Emergency Psychic Hotline, Dalai Lama, Monk Academy,
Chimp Close
Tu 11/23 "It's Insane this Guy's Taint!" - Speakers Open, Intervention,
Ka-Ching, Stop Change Thieves, Men's Club of Allah, Be Kind Rewind,
Windbreaker, Taint
We 11/24 "Eat Rotten Fruit From a Sh**ty Tree" - Water Cooler Open, Marty
Farty, Date With The Queen, Spite Marriage, God's Book On Tape, Monster Mash,
Coffee Hunt Close
Th 11/25 "Like Chickens...Delicious Chickens" - Reparations Open, Bugged Drug
Deal, Rich Guy Negative Ads, The Great Hemingway, Most Trusted News Team, Fat
Survivor, Civil War Re-Enactments, Home Shopping Close
Fr 11/26 "Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions" - Ratings Warning Cold Open, Ratings
Child Open, Debate, Music Offer, Inside The Actor, Earthshoes, Teardrop
Awards, Shrunken Mr. Show Close


OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel
Mo 11/22 Jennifer Dale, Paul Burrell, Great Big Sea
Tu 11/23 William Gibson, Bob Smith, The Skydiggers
We 11/24 Carol Alt and Amanda Marshall
Th 11/25 Carlos Morgan and the CTV family
Fr 11/26 Paul Gross, James Gallanders, and Women's Blues Review


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
Sa 11/27 The Best of Mike Myers (r)
Sa 12/4 Christina Ricci / Beck
Sa 12/11 Jim Carrey or Danny DeVito / R.E.M.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC Up All Night
Sa 11/27 Steve Martin; Randy Newman and the Dirt Band (1977-'78) Host on how
to be a millionaire & never pay taxes, Family Feud with the Coneheads,
Festrunk
Brothers meet their Croatian computer dates, Roseanne Roseannadanna rants on
lack of heat & disgusting food


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central (reruns)
Mo 11/22 1PM & 12:30AM Mary Stuart Masterson / En Vogue (1991-'92) The
McLaughlin Group, Action Cats, Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual, SuperFan
Daughter's beauty tips, Cajunman gives, Monster Spray, Very Pregnant
Undercover Cop;  6PM Christina Applegate / Midnight Oil (1992-'93) Coffee
Talk, Nerf Crotch Bat, Focus On Beauty, Matt Foley, Adam Sandler's "I Love
You Momma," Gap Girls, The Backwards Romance, You Bet Your Life, G-Spot,
Jennifer Meyer's "Just Married"
Tu 11/23 1PM & 12:30 AM Mayor Rudy Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan (1997-'98)
Nightline, Rita Delvecchio, Mary Katherine Gallagher, anti-graffiti, Cinder
Calhoun, Joe Pesci Show, The cabbie who hates Giuliani, Janet Reno's Dance
Party, Perspectives;  6PM Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson / Paul Simon (1992-'93)
Clintons vs. Dole, Mmmph?, The Flatulent Italian, Don Lapre's How To Find
Financial Freedom, You Like'a Da' Juice, eh... Da Juice is Good?, Criminal
Encounter
We 11/24 1PM Macaulay Culkin / Tin Machine (1991-'92) Home Alone, the Love
Toilet, Super Fan Thanksgiving, Makin' Copies in Catholic school, Adam
Sandler's Thanksgiving meal, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer;  6PM Sylvester Stallone
/ Jamiroquai + Richard Jewell (1997-'98) Oprah & Marv Albert, Rocky's
Trainer, the Xerox Assjet, Rita Delvecchio, Car Crash victims who hate the
host, Roxbury Guys w/Rocky Janet Reno,  Fun With Real Audio : Casablanca,
Cinder Calhoun, Joe Pesci, Orange Julius holdover, Planet Hollywood fans,
Lou's Lovely Daughters, Elton John's "More Songs I Wrote To Honor Dead People"
Th 11/25 8AM Mayor Rudy Giuliani/Sarah McLachlan (1997-'98) Nightline, Rita
Delvecchio, Mary Katherine Gallagher, anti-graffiti, Cinder Calhoun, Joe
Pesci Show, The cabbie who hates Giuliani, Janet Reno's Dance Party,
Perspectives;  9AM Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band +
Bruce McCulloch + Father Guido Sarducci (1985-'86) host walks tightrope
between the World Trade Centers, dances to "Tequila" & "Fever" Thanksgiving
Special with "Brooke Shields" & Diana Ross, The Pat Stevens Show, Die
Foreigner Die!, Dinosaur Town, Miss Patterson, Cabrini Green, Hal Fisher's
Money Magnet Method;  10AM Phil Hartman / Bush + Cliff Robertson + Rodney
Dangerfield (1996-'97) House of Congress, Smigeltoon : Michael Jackson,
Cinder Calhoun, The Joe Pesci Show, The Gossip Show;  11AM Candice Bergen /
Cher (1987-'88) George Bush, Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, Anne Boleyn,
Pitman & Bullock, song: musical guest performs "We All Sleep Alone" first
Thanksgiving w/ The Mayflower Madam, peeping tom;  Noon John Lithgow / Tracy
Chapman (1988-'89) Oprah's diet, Dog confessional, Master Thespian's Hamlet,
The Pat Stevens Show, The Alamo;  1PM Macaulay Culkin / Tin Machine
(1991-'92) Home Alone, the Love Toilet, Super Fan Thanksgiving, Makin' Copies
in Catholic school, Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving meal, Unfrozen Caveman
Lawyer;  2PM Sinbad / Sade (1992-'93) Gloria Brigade, Superman's Funeral,
Thanksgiving Party;  3PM & 8PM David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant + Lisa
Kudrow, Gary Coleman, Barry Williams, Jimmie Walker (1995-'96) D.C. frat boy
march, Grayson Moorhead, Kids vs. Grownups, Rita Delvecchio, Spade in
America- Jennifer Aniston, Plus Sized, Triumph Performers;  4PM & 9PM Anthony
Edwards / Foo Fighters (1995-'96) Swabby, Grimaldi's nativity scene, The Joe
Pesci Show, Mary Katherine Gallagher, G-Dog, Spade in America, Princess Di
interview, The Hulk Hogan Talk Show!!!;  5PM Mary Stuart Masterson / En Vogue
(1991-'92) The McLaughlin Group, Action Cats, Lyle the Effeminate
Heterosexual, SuperFan Daughter's beauty tips, Cajunman gives, Monster Spray,
Very Pregnant Undercover Cop;  6PM Phil Hartman / Bush + Cliff Robertson +
Rodney Dangerfield (1996-'97) House of Congress, Smigeltoon : Michael
Jackson, Cinder Calhoun, The Joe Pesci Show, The Gossip Show;  7PM Woody
Harrelson / David Byrne (1989-'90) Five Easy Pieces '89, Pumping Up With Hans
& Franz, Attitudes, Sprockets, A Tonto, Tarzan, & Frankenstein Thanksgiving,
"Three Very Lonesome Cowboys";  12:30AM Matthew Broderick / Sugar Cubes
(1988-'89) Dan Quayle in The Graduate, 5th Beatle Albert Goldman, Cooking
With Monkey, Nude Beach, Learning to Feel
Fr 11/26 11PM Phil Hartman / Bush + Cliff Robertson + Rodney Dangerfield
(1996-'97) House of Congress, Smigeltoon : Michael Jackson, Cinder Calhoun,
The Joe Pesci Show, The Gossip Show
Sa 11/27 2PM Dana Carvey / Dr. Dre (1996-'97) Larry King Live, Goat Boy, The
Barbara Walters Special, Joe Blow News, Church Chat, Bob Dole's Time Tunnel,
Rita Delvecchio, Phil Donahue & Johnny Carson, Russell & Tate
Sa 11/27 5PM Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction (1997-'98) Fun With Real Audio-
Clinton press conference, The Ladies' Man, news Tommy Flanagan, Late Show
with David Letterman, Colin Quinn explains The New York Times, The Robin Byrd
Show, "Set Our Nanny Free!"



TRACEY TAKES ON... HBO Comedy (reruns)
Mo 11/22 6:00am Family (2/21/96), 8:30am New York (1993 Special), 10:30pm
Family (2/21/96)
Tu 11/23 5:30pm Royalty (2/14/96), 10:30pm Law (2/28/96)
We 11/24 6:00pm End of the World (3/17/99), 10:30pm Vanity (3/06/96)
Th 11/25 9:15am New York (1993 Special), 3:30pm Road Rage (2/17/99), 10:30pm
Death (3/13/96)
Fr 11/26 10:30pm Health (3/20/96)
Sa 11/27 4:40am Road Rage (2/17/99)


TRACEY TAKES ON... HBOSignature (reruns)
Tu 11/23 8:30am Obsession (3/10/99)
Sa 11/27 3:40am Obsession (3/10/99)


UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, Comedy Central
Mo 11/22 10:30PM The UCB attempts to eradicate prejudice by putting on a
stunt/variety show.
Sa 11/27 1:30AM The UCB attempts to eradicate prejudice by putting on a
stunt/variety show.

Also on late nights:
NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART, Comedy Central
BET TONIGHT WITH TAVIS SMILEY, BET
LOVELINE, MTV
HOWARD STERN, E!
THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, CBS and syndicated
UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS
THE X SHOW, FX
OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD, CTV and Comedy Channel (Can.)
DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC
MAD TV, Fox
=========================================================

Entire contents Copyright 1999 by Aaron Barnhart. All
rights reserved.

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