The Prisoner in Mayberry

http://beancounters.blogs.com/parodies/2004/09/the_prisoner_in.html

" What if Mayberry were the secret ÒVillageÓ that Patrick McGoohan's
character in The Prisoner was sent to? Can you imagine the testy, urbane
McGoohan up against the folksy-but-diabolical "Sheriff Andy"?"

"I am not a number, I am a free man."

"Well, Opie, you see what kind of oddballs wander in from the outside if
you're not careful?"

"Yeah pawr."

Prisoner: You must know a way out of this prison!

Goober: This here ain't no prison. Mebbe you need glasses! This here's
Mayberry! [canned laughter]

Prisoner: Very well then! How do I get out of this É Mayberry?

Goober: Oh! That's different! Now, you take this-here road, go straight
through to Ma's Kettle Korner, anÕ ya turn where you see the elm tree ...
then, er ...

Earl: No, no, no. You turn at the ol' dog-leg road ...

Goober: I was just going to say that! Now, when you get to the pasture
where olÕ Farmer Murdoch used to keep his cow ...

Earl: Why, did Murdoch finally sell ol' Bessie?

Goober: Shore did! Heard about it downit the general store t'other day,
when I seed Mrs. Murdoch buyin some dress goods. AnÕ she tol' me ...

Prisoner: For the Love of God! Would you please just answer my question!?

Earl: Hol' on, hol' on, young man, where's the far? [laugh]

Anthony: Prisoner: "You can't fool me. This is a diabolical attempt to drive
me insane by cross-breeding a Kafka-like enigmatic allegory of purposeless
activity with an American bucolic fantasy. Take me to Number One!"

Aunt Bea: "Would you like some pie?Ó

Prisoner: (Screams in mortal torture.)

Aunt Bea: "Well." (Gives slices to Andy and Opie.)

Andy [munching pie]: Well, Mr. Six, I don' know if I can rightly he'p you find
this "Mr. One", seein' as how they ain't nobody in Mayberry by that name.

Prisoner: [deeply frustrated] I keep telling you ...

Andy [holds up one hand; on accounta how t'other one is holdin' his fork]: I
know, I know, this-here Mr. One cain't be seen by the nekkid eye.

Opie: Then golly, Mr. Six, iffn he cain't be seen, then how can he rightly be
here "in" Mayberry?

Prisoner: [Throws head back at ceiling]: I give up!! Wherever you are!! You
win!! I'll give you any information you want!!

Aunt Bea: [Gives familiar, diabolical laugh]

[Unobserved, a giant ball gently bobs and bounces past the living room
window]

[Series ends.]