Ahh, me favorite Father Ted ep. What a cruel world it would be if we
were left with only one episode! There's just no way I can pick a
favorite, but I'll rattle off a few of my favorite scenes.

Good Luck Father Ted
DOUGAL:C'mon, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than that stuff we
learned in the seminary. You know heaven and hell and everlasting
life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it
seriously, Ted.
FR.TED: Dougal you are so TOO meant to take it seriously.
DOUGAL: Are you?
FR. TED: Yes!
DOUGAL: What, heaven and hell and everlasting life?
FR.TED: Yes, of course!

TOM:Father!
FR.TED: Yes Tom?
DOUGAL: I've killed a man.
FR.TED: Did you, Tom. I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm
doing an interview for the television.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus
JOHN Are you going to stand there all day you fat ol' bitch?
MARY: Don't talk to me like that you big pile of shite... You
iignorant prick!
JOHN: You watch that mouth of yours!
MARY: I'll watch nothin. I'll stick this up yer arse -- Ah Fr. Dougal.

Entertaining Father Stone
FR.TED: You wouldn't say, want a big car to drive around in?
DOUGAL Hoo wow! That'd be fantastic. Driving around in a big car.
Yeah that'd be one, oh brilliant.
FR.TED: And what would be your second wish?
DOUGAL: Ah no, that'd be fine. The car would be fine.
FR.TED: You wouldn't like to be a rock star or something, like Elvis?
DOUGAL: Hooo God yeah. I'd love to be a rock star like Elvis or
something. Hoo that'd be brilliant.
FR.TED: So eh, your third wish, if you had one?
DOUGAL: Ah no, that'd be fine. If I had a big car and I was Elvis,
that'd be grand.
FR.TED: You wouldn't like say mmmm.....this cup?
DOUGAL: Hoo God yeah! I'd love that cup. If I had that cup and I was
Elvis and I had a big car that'd be fantastic.
FR.TED: You've never had much of an imagination, have you Dougal?
DOUGAL: No you're right there Ted.

DOUGAL Who'd of thought that being hit by lightning would land you in
hospital.

DOUGAL Did you ever notice the way it's usually sick people who end
up in hospitals.

And God Created Woman
MRS.DOYLE: It was a bit much for me Father. Feck this, and feck that.
FR.TED: Yes Mrs. Doyle.
MRS.DOYLE: Ya big bastard, aw dreadful language. You big hairy arse,
you big fecker. Fierce stuff. And of course...the 'F' word Father.
The BAD 'F' word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean.
FR.TED: Yes I do Mrs. Doyle.
MRS.DOYLE: F you...F your F'in wife. Oh I don't know why they have to
use language like that. I'll stick this F'in pitch fork up your hole,
oh that was another one, oh yes.
FR.TED: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
MRS.DOYLE: Bastard this and bastard that. You can't move for the
bastards in her novels, it's wall to wall bastards.
FR.TED: Is it Mrs. Doyle.
MRS. DOYLE: Ya bastard...
FR. TED: Anyway.
MRS.DOYLE: You fecker. you bollox. Get your bollox out of my face.
FR.TED: Yes you just go and prepare for the nuns.
MRS.DOYLE: Ride me sideways was another one.

Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest
FR.TED: Look at this Dougal. Fr. Jack left us money.
DOUGAL That's very nice of him. How much?
FR.TED: Ha-- Ha-- Half a million pounds.
DOUGAL: Half a million pounds! Each!?...Ah no, between us.

DOUGAL Right. One word filum. Can't be too many of them...Salems
Lot... Eh tongue, uh, mouth, teeth...Ehhh, is there a filum called
tongue...tongue tongue...no, eh...mmm... Tongue Fish...Swim
Tongue..um eh eh.. Fish...Attack of the Giant Killing
Fish...Tongue...Tongue Fish...Eh The Deep, Piranha...Jaws 2...eh...oh
close then, eh, Ghostbusters 2, Superman 2, no uh..Batman Returns.
FR.TED: No you had it, it was Jaws!
DOUGAL: No I had Jaws TWO Ted, it's a different film, it's a very
different film. It's a different Shark!

DOUGAL Do you believe in an Afterlife?
FR.TED: What?
DOUGAL: Do you believe in an Afterlife?
FR.TED: Well Dougal, generally speaking Priests tend to have a very
strong belief in the Afterlife.
DOUGAL: Oh I wish i had your faith Ted.

Are You Right There Father Ted
COLM: Hello there Father.
TED: Ah, hello Colm. (laughing) Out and about?
COLM: Ah, same as yourself.
TED: Good good.
COLM: I hear you're a racist now Father.
TED: What?
COLM: How did you get interested in that type of thing?
TED: Who said I'm a racist?
COLM: Everyone's sayin' it Father. Sure we'll all be racist now.
What's the official line the church is takin' on that, then?
TED: No, no.
COLM: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just
like a cup of tea. So, I mightn't be able to devote meself full time
to the ol' racism.
MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father!
TED: What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry.
MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father. Well someone had the guts to
stand up to them at last. Comin' over here, takin' our jobs and our
women and actin' like they own the feckin' place. Well done Father!
Good for you!...Good for you! I'd like to feckin....Feckin' Greeks.
COLM: It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after.
TED: (panicking) I'm not after the Chinese.
MRS. CARBERRY: I don't care who he gets so long as I can have a go
at the Greeks. They
invented gayness!
TED: Look, we are not having a go at anybody! I am not a racist,
alright. God!
MRS. CARBERRY: Feckin' Greeks!

TED LEAVES AND COLM WALKS OVER TO MRS. CARBERRY

COLM: How's Mary?
MRS. CARBERRY: She's fine. She got that job after all.
COLM: Great!

--- In thefathertedclub@y..., greenyer2000 <no_reply@y...> wrote:
> What's everybody's favourite episode of the great programme?
>
> Mine has to be speed 3. When Dougal goes 'Ted, Ted and don't want
to
> be a milkman anymore!'
>
> Ah, brilliant..