You may have read before but a good chuckle is a good chuckle even if it is
rerun



I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person
was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. Nor can I sit down on
the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it
was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who s
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.

I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer use
Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore ,
and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites
my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse
and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon
and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Have a good one
Blessing
Cyn Ann