NEWZ 'N VIEWZ Oct 25, 2000

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FOR OPENERZ:
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'you have to put
your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny." -- Steven Wright

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AND NOW FOR THE NEWZ

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THE END OF THE WORLD HAS PASSED US ALL BY
The world ended 156 years ago the day before the day before
yesterday, according to the prediction of the Millerism movement.
It ended four years ago the day before the day before yesterday,
according to the prediction of James Ussher, archbishop of Armagh.
Well. Look around you. One of these Octobers, we'll get it right.


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THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
Seven days remain until Martha Stewart pots up her bulbs for
forcing, it was announced.

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FISCAL RESTRAINT AT ITS FINEST
The Office of Management and Budget currently has a director, a
principal deputy director, a deputy director for management, two
executive associate directors, eight associate directors, 12 deputy
associate directors, four assistant directors and three deputy assistant
directors, if you want to know how the OMB is managing these days.

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THAT'S SORT OF THE POINT
London Mayor Ken Livingstone on his proposal that statues of two
generals, Sir Henry Havelock and Sir Charles Napier, be removed from
Trafalgar Square:
"I imagine that not one person in 10,000 going through Trafalgar
Square knows about the lives of those two generals."
But isn't that why we make statues of people?

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ENOUGH ALREADY
Actress Elizabeth Hurley on a number of topics:
"Oh, did I mention I'm on week nine of not smoking? I've got a
patch on, and a nicotine inhaler. My other worst habit is that I used to
put my cigarettes out in coffee cups all over the house, which is a
sluttish habit. I eat in bed. When I had a dog, I used to have him in bed
with me. . . ."
Week 10 should be interesting.

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THAT REALLY BITES
Rimas L. of East Leyden High School wants you to know that King
Alexander of Greece died 80 years ago today after being bitten by a
monkey.

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IN CASE YOU CARED
The Gjuarati for departure is choo Tvaano samay, by the way.

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CARE TO REPEAT THAT?
George W. Bush on the national defense:
"I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves
and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can
make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our
own nuclear capacities commiserate with keeping the peace."

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GOOD TO THE LAST DROP
Thirteen days until the election.
Treasure each one.

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NO FUZZY MATH HERE
** J.L., an Internet reader, writes, regarding NEWZ's item noting
that the mole is a unit of chemistry that is the amount of substance of a
system that contains as many elementary entities as there are atoms in
.012 kilograms of carbon-12, these entities being molecules, atoms, ions,
electrons or other subatomic particles, or groups of particles, the
number being 6.02214 X 10 to the 23rd power, or 602.214 trillion":
"Perhaps you meant 602.214 billion trillion."
** Mary L., a Towson, Md., reader, writes:
"Don't you mean 602.214 billion trillion?"
** Matthew J., a Chicago reader, writes:
"A trillion is a 1 with 12 zeroes after it. The number you're
implying is therefore 602,213,000,000,000. A mole, however, is
602,214,000,000,000,000,000,000. The way you are sliding decimals around,
I have to wonder if you're planning to run for elected office."
No. If NEWZ lost, who would be around to commensurate?

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LAWS ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN, APPARENTLY
News Item: Independent International Commission on Kosovo
concludes NATO intervention was "illegal but legitimate."
Maybe George W. Bush is ready for foreign policy.

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CAN YOU SAY BUFFET?
News Item: "Restaurants should serve smaller portions,
specialists say."
Stay out of it, specialists.

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LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
S.K., a Chicago reader, writes:
"I thought NEWZ should be informed that the `Rocky Horror Picture
Show' will be shown the Friday before Halloween at Fermilab, the home of
the world's highest-energy particle accelerator."
We remain at NEWZDEFCON2.

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RUMP PUM PUM PUM
Supermarket Headline of the Month: "NAKED ACCORDION PLAYER
ARRESTED IN LAUNDROMAT."

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BE A PAL
A memorandum from the Mayor's Press Office on Chicao's fourth
annual "Principal for a Day" program, spells it "principle" three times
but also spells it "principal" five times, so let's look on the bright
side.

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CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO SEXINESS
According to a survey by <http://www.HomeJupiter.com>, women
whose favorite show is "ER" are twice as likely to have bidets in their
bathrooms as women whose favorite show is "Sex in the City," for those
who still think there is a human tendency for which there is not a
statistic.

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WHO LET THE DUHS OUT?
M.R., an Internet reader, e-mails:
"As a member of Generation Duh, allow me to say that I know who
both major party presidential candidates and their running mates are.
However, I have no clue who the hell you are."
Your worst nightmare.

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MOOVING REQUEST
L.B., an Internet reader, e-mails: "I really want to buy a
straitjacket and the cheapest one I can find is $89. As a teenager, I
just don't have the $89 to spend on a straitjacket. I know you have many
contacts, and I was wondering maybe if you could please happen to mention
in your column that if anyone has a straitjacket they want to sell, I'll
be forever in your debt. Also, is there a National Cow Appreciation Day?"

July 15. And thanks for helping NEWZ pin down its demographic.

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BOTTOMS UP!
From the NEWZ Archive of Knowledge:
** Emergency rooms treated 21,096 cheerleaders in 1999.
** It is illegal to hang pants on a balcony in Falticeni,
Romania.

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MIND-NUMBING
** Douglas B. of Malcolm X College writes:
"Surely you know that 6.02214 X 10 to the 23rd power is much more
than 602.214 trillion, as you said. It is 602.214 sextillion, or if you
prefer, 602.214 billion trillion."
** Ken N., a Palos Hills, Il. reader, writes:
"The term `billion' should be avoided in describing large
numbers, for although it's true that in the U.S. it means one thousand
million, in England it means one million million."
Which would make it 602.214 thousand million billion over there.
Wouldn't it?

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YES AND NO
F.W., a Bensenville, Il. reader, writes:
"On many front lawns near O'Hare Airport are signs reading: `No
O'Hare Expansion VOTE NO.' Does this mean `no' for voting no on
expansion, which means `yes' for expansion?"
Or is it a million million trillion?

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AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
Let's go right to the bad joke:
'Til next time . . . .
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand new SUV advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will
you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing
flock and
calmly answers, "Sure! This I gotta see."
The yuppie parks the SUV, whips out his palm pilot, connects it
to a
cellphone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some
60
Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150
page
report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to our shepherd and
says:
"You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says
the
shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into
his
SUV.
Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you
give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, sounds fair," answers the young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd, emphatically.
"This is correct, says the yuppie, "How did you know that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody
called for
you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the
answer to. And you don't know beans about my business because you took my
dog."
Thanks.
Kendall and the Hurley Gurley Gang
KBergIce@...

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Contributing: Associated Press, Washington Post, Z.N.Smith.
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