This hasn’t been beta-read and I have only just typed
it up so there maybe a few mistakes – ignore them if
you will.

FEEDBACK IS WANTED! I’m just climbing back into the
saddle with posting stuff so, please, be kind and send
feedback. Lemme know if I have lost my touch at all...

Thunderchild.

***********************************
Title – Cruel Effects Of Time (1/1)
Author – Thunderchild
E-mail address – prodigy_karmakoma@...
Rating – PG, could possibly be even a “G” – Shocker!
Category – V
Spoilers – NONE
Timeline – Season Three
Note – N/A
Keywords – LPOV
Summary – Thoughts while standing in the rain…

Disclaimer:- I don't own 'The Pretender' or any of its
characters. They rightfully belong to NBC, MTM, TNT
and Pretender Productions. Man this is getting
depressing! I'm not doing this for the money, but for
my sanity. Please don't sue. Thanks, Thunderchild.

Start/Finish: Wednesday December 4th 2002

Author’s Note:- I would have posted this as soon as it
was finished but I didn’t have a computer. I hope you
like it anyway!

Cruel Effects Of Time
1/1

Does this get any easier with time? This sure as
doesn’t feel like closure.

The rain was pouring down around me, instantly
drenching me as soon as I stepped out of my car, but I
couldn’t care less.

How could I even begin to get my mind around this? At
birth I was snatched away from my mother, father and
sister only to be put in a foster home that had a
strange feeling from day one. 10 years later, my
mother “commits suicide” in front of my sister only to
be murdered 9 months later, give or take, after my
YOUNGER brother was born. Then, as if all that weren’t
bad enough, I was turned into this cold-blooded
monster, which was so gradual I woke up one morning
realizing all that I had done.

I know it was wrong to do what I did to the Bowman’s
but they wren’ my family. I was confused, hurt and
angry as well as having Raines whispering in your ear
really doesn’t make things any easier. Then before I
knew it, ‘he’ was on a cot in jail for the murder of
Jimmy and ‘she’ was a total nutcase. Neither of them
deserve names; just pronouns. Its just burns me up
inside that so much of my life was and is a lie.

The truth is never worth any of what I have done. When
I found my family, purely by accident, I only knew
that they were at The Centre – I never expected them
to actually *BE* The Centre, the other part of myself
wanted nothing to do with my existence.

I can’t really blame P for hating me, Hell I hate
myself sometimes but what she doesn’t seem to
understand of let it occur to her that this monster
that I have become isn’t the *real* me. I haven’t been
the real me in such a long time that I’ve forgotten
who I’m supposed to be.

When moving to a new city, state and sometimes country
means a new life, the life you started out with and
vowed to remember and keep protected, vanishes in the
crowd of identities, forgetting yourself is an
aftershock.

I’m not proud of what I’ve done but I can’t say that I
hate the way I am able to manipulate people. Once you
inflict a serious injury on a person, if they survive,
they’ll become *very* accommodating to your whims.

Wet locks of hair fall down onto my forehead,
continuing to drip but I don’t make any movements to
rid the dripping hair from dripping water into my
eyes. I don’t know how long I have been standing like
a statue with my arms at my sides, my shoulders
slumped while my head was turned slightly down as I
stared at the cold, wet slab of marble. It must have
been a long time for there is now a muddy puddle at my
feet where the water was just pooling.


Parker
Catherine.


The only people that I feel at peace with are either
dead or too revolted by my existence that she can’t
bare to be in the same room. What does that say about
*me*?

The same person who I have never met is my won mother.
My dead mother. The only way to know her is to watch
all the DSA’s that I can gather without been seen. I
have to force myself to watch them; she looks so sad
that its like a cold knife shredding my soul, but I
have to. I have to know my mother and this is the only
way.

“What are you doing here?” I heard a cold voice snarl
from behind me. There was no need to turn and face the
voice and the eyes that are ever cold and laced with
revulsion when directed at me.

“I came to visit my mother’s grave.” I stated as
calmly as possible. It didn’t take much deduction to
figure out that Parker would kill me for been here on
this day. I had to tread carefully but even then that
won’t stop her from making me leave.

“I asked you why YOU are here?” Parker repeated again
as she stepped up behind me menacingly. The way she
said “you” made me feel ill; it was the same way that
she would have asked Raines what he was doing in her
office when she wasn’t present.

I could feel the hatred surging off her, which is a
frightening thing to feel, particularly from Parker.
She was right when she said that I have never seen her
angry and if this was anything to judge by, then I
really don’t want to.

“And I told you, I have come to visit *our* mother’s
grave.” I repeat coldly as I turn to face her, hoping
to make her unbalanced but I instantly notice how
tired she looked and the raindrops running down her
cheeks didn’t hide the fact that she had been crying.
If it weren’t for this *stupid* dance we were always
doing, I would be comforting my sister instead of
tormenting her.

“Catherine Parker isn’t your mother, you were spawned
by snakes in Hell.” Parker snarled as she circled
around me, making me take a step back so she was now
between the headstone and me. I don’t know how she was
able to make people move without even touching them,
its like there is an invisible force that constantly
surrounds her, moving people out of the way. The air
of dominance is usually enough and if it’s not there
is always that feeling of something pushing you away
from her. “Beat it, Cannibal. I’m sure you’re missing
out on the latest of Raines’ coups.”

“I’m not working with Raines.” I said as calmly as I
could while the anger was bubbling just below the
surface that I haven’t felt before. The anger that I
was feeling was different to the other times that I
have got anger and I was confused by what was so
different about this time. What scared me about this
was that when I really get angry, I end up hurting
people and I didn’t want to hurt Parker.

“Oh, are you two having a lover’s tiff?” Parker slung
back maliciously.

“Damnit, Parker! Do you ever stop?” I snarl at her as
the anger inside erupts from the tight little ball
that I was trying to contain it in. Parker immediately
takes a step back as her hand flies around to the
small of her back where her gun was resting as the
defensive mechanism kicks in when I proved to be a
threat to her. “I want him dead as much as you do, I
work with him for information! I may be a monster but
I don’t become “buddies” with the person who murdered
my mother!” After I vented the main though that was
racing around my mind, I couldn’t stop my outburst,
which I knew was dangerous. At all costs I have to
remain in control of my temper because the moment I
lose my grip on it, people begin to die. As I
continued to rage at Parker, I felt as though I was on
the sideline watching what was happening which is not
a good thing.

“I know I’m not what you want as a brother and what
she wants for a son,” I yell as I point at the grave
that we had both come to see, “but I am who I am! I’m
trying to change but I don’t see the damned point if
you’re still going to hate me. I’m doing all I can to
try and keep you safe. No one was protecting Mom and
she’s dead, all you’re doing is following her to the
grave. I’m trying to stop that!” As I continued on I
watched as Parker stiffened and took another step back
away from me. She was terrified of me, I could see it
in her eyes, but even seeing her fear wasn’t enough to
stop my rage, it only seemed to make it worse. “I know
you hate me for who I am but I don’t know who I am, I
don’t know who I’m supposed to be! I’m lost and you
couldn’t care less, which kills me! I’m nothing as far
as your concerned, which makes me what to kill you!
You’re the only one who can make me feel weak and then
when I see the fear in your eyes, fear of me, I just
want to kill you!”

As soon as I heard what I said as it reverberated
around my head, I saw Parker remove the gun from the
holster, letting her hand hang down beside her leg
while she stared at me with a blank face. When the
anger started to disappear, I take several steps away
from Parker before turning on my heel and walking away
from her before she would recover from the shock and
begin to attack me, verbally or psychically makes no
difference. I didn’t feel up to dying today and after
what I just said to her, Parker may kill me before she
gets another indication that I am a threat to her. I
don’t feel up to doing anything today – I barely had
enough strength to get out of bed.

As I made it back to my car, I just collapse against
the door with my head resting on my folded arms as
they lay atop of the roof. Where the Hell did that
come from? I want to kill Parker? That’s really going
to make her trust me now, isn’t it? I said I wanted to
kill her.

How is it that after every time I speak with Parker, I
end up feeling like an ass? This was no exception. But
where the Hell did that come from? I don’t want to
kill Parker, do I? No! Defiantly not! It’s not her
fault she treats me the way she does. Parker treats me
like shit because I haven’t given her any reason to
treat me otherwise.



I don’t know how long I had been standing at the car;
I seemed to have blacked out with my thoughts, but I
was brought quickly back to my senses when I felt a
gentle, uneasy hand rest on my shoulder. When I lift
my head, I look straight into the clear pale eyes of
my twin.

“I’m offering a truce. One raving outburst isn’t going
to undo all that has been done, especially when you
said you want to kill me, but it’s a start.” Parker
said as she retracted her hand from my shoulder as she
took a step away from me. She seemed uneasy about been
this close, and after what I just said I couldn’t
really blame her. I noticed that she no longer had her
gun in her hand, which I should take as a good sign.

I nod dumbly. Ever since I found out Parker was my
twin I always wanted her to say something like this.
The sweetest word in the English language – ‘truce’.
Its defiantly the sweetest thing to be said to me
coming from Parker.

“This will take time and I know you’ll slip, I will as
well, but it might be worth it.” Parker continued as
her gaze flickered around nervously, but at least the
fear had left her eyes.

“Mom?” I know it would take more that an outburst from
a raving lunatic to get her to lower her weapons so it
has to be Mom telling her to trust me or something
along those lines.

I might not know how it feels to hear Mom’s voice but
I do know this: it must be killing Parker to hear her…
*OUR* Mother’s voice after she has been through so
much. To witness your mother murdered once would be
bad enough, but TWICE!

“Painfully loud and insistent.” She smiles uneasily as
she continues to look around uncomfortably. “Go home
and get changed – your soaked.”

Then she was gone.

That explains so much of Parker’s attitude. Not even
the strongest man could go through what she’s been
through and still be on the outside of an asylum’s
walls, but Parker seems to take everything in her
stride. Things that should weaken her only strengthen
her after she has gotten over the initial shock and
pain. It is sheer pain and anger driving her.

The way Parker thinks and feels must say something
about Dad, too.

It is common knowledge that Dad pushed Parker away
when she was younger and still does to this day, but
Parker is who she is because of him. I know for a
damned fact that the indifference he shows towards
Parker is on an act. I’ve been in the same room as him
after Parker has stormed in, torn our father to pieces
then stormed out. I’ve seen the crushed look on his
face when he knows he did something to hurt her. Now
does that sound like something that anyone would do
when they don’t care who they hurt with their actions?
I think not. Everything he does is just an act for the
bastards upstairs to keep her protected from them? I
just think it’s a bit of an extreme, he really doesn’t
need to be that hard on her.

I silently think, as I watch Parker walking towards
her car, if Dad would just tell her something,
ANYTHING to help her understand she wouldn’t feel so
unloved when she obviously is. Dad is jumping through
hoops to keep her safe, only to feed her lies so
everything looks legit. I don’t know if Dad can even
see, but while he is trying to keep her safe he’s
hurting her more and more each time he lies to her.
Why can’t he see that she’s not leaving? Why can’t he
see that she can take care of herself? Parker is
absolutely deadly when she’s cornered or trapped or
she feels threatened.

When the days proceedings started to sink in, I
started to feel the wet clothes clinging to me; the
raindrops trickling down the back of my neck and my
face; I started to see everything with a newer clarity
like a waking man must see the world.

If I have a chance at knowing my sister, everything
needs to change. And quickly!

Parker expects me to slip up, Hell I expect myself to
slip up, but I’m gonna make damned sure that I don’t.
Call it the first pleasant surprise that I can give my
twin when she’s not going to cringe away in revulsion.
The better half of my blurred existence is going to
give me a second chance, which is more than anyone
else has done for me. After all that I’ve done, I
don’t deserve a second chance, Parker knows that and
is giving me one anyway.

I smile slightly as I get into my car and drive away.
Things are going to change for the better.



Fin!


Whatcha think? Good? Bad? Should I steal Miss Parker's
gun and shoot myself? Umm...Maybe not. You know the
drill. Gimme, gimme, gimme feedback, I need it to
survive, coz I gotta feed.

I am currently tracing this connection, so if you
don't send me feedback I'll come lookin' for it, trust
me, you don't want that coz you'll be getting to know
my Sweepers as a business associate and I know you
won't like that - its worse than it sounds...

prodigy_karmakoma@...


=====

The Powers That Be Are Watching

....For....

There Are Pretenders Among Us....


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