WASTELAND
S J Smith (Laughnfx@...)

Disclaimer: Joss never calls, he never writes. I’m
thinking the relationship is over. And you just know
he’d win that lawsuit, so I can’t claim ‘em as mine.
The song lyrics are from “Nightmare”, written by
Charlie Murphy and performed by Rumors of the Big
Wave.

Rating: PG

Pairings: Mentions of Faith/Connor, B/S, A/C and B/A.


Spoilers: Possibly for the end of BtVS season 7 and
AtS season 4

A.N.: This is a companion piece to D. M. Evans’ “Save
Me”. If you want to read it, here's the link:
http://www.shippersunited.com/discuss/viewthread.php?tid=1728&pid=54720#pid54720

A.N. 2: Angel’s P.O.V.

* * *
In this garden of flesh and bone,
I stand in the middle of the tracks.
Let the loneliness take me to the farthest shore
Let the cold wind blow at my back.

The man says, “How can you live here,
“Don’t you worry about losing your soul?”
I say it’s such a stone cold groove
To be part of something so out of control.

* * * * *
I send her postcards.

It’s almost a compulsion. I want her to see these
places, to feel what I feel in them. To understand
what I’m –we’re – experiencing. To know why I’m
here, now, exploring with Faith and Connor.

The first card I mailed was from Knotts Berry Farm,
where Faith dragged me onto a roller coaster and both
she and Connor laughed when I screamed. My
embarrassment was worth that price even though I’d
like to find other ways to make Connor laugh. I wrote
to Buffy about it, like I wrote to her about Faith
threatening to stake both of us when we got bored with
Moulin Rouge. I sent her cards from the Black Hills
Caverns, from that old hotel that reminded all three
of us of the Hyperion, from state line crossings. I
told her about seeing The Two Towers in that theatre
that smelled like something had died an evil death
inside of it, with the sticky floors. I wrote about
us finding a nest of vampires and taking them out.
Faith added a postscript – “Still kicking ash!!” – at
the bottom of that one. I sent Buffy a postcard made
from a photo taken of the three of us, Faith in
between, laughing so hard she would’ve fallen except
for our grips on her, both Connor and I wearing
oversized cowboy hats in front of the Number 10 Saloon
in Deadwood.

Does she even read them, I wonder, just before I drop
each card off to be posted. Does she see them and
throw them away, without even looking or are they
hanging on the refrigerator, which is where Fred
assures me the ones I send to the Hyperion are? I
wouldn’t be surprised if it were the former. At the
battle, things came out; things that didn’t need to be
brought up just before we went off to war; things that
needed clear heads and if I could take back the words
I said to her about Spike, I would. She cut me just
as deep about Connor and Cordelia, leaving both of us
wounded emotionally and still needing to fight
together to beat the First.

We may have won the war but we lost the battle. Spike
took a blow meant for me, the tandem of weaponry and
magic too much even for a vampire to survive. I was
his final confessor; heard words that I never wanted
to; his love for Buffy; how she’d never moved beyond
her feelings for me; that she’d never cared for him
the same way she’d cared for me. Spike gave me his
blessings – his blessings! – to love her. Care for
her. Protect her. If I didn’t, he said, he’d come
back and kick my ass.

Then he was gone, ashes to the wind and I had to rise
and fight again. After it was all done, I had to tell
Buffy Spike was dead. She slapped me, she hit me, she
screamed at me and when she ran, I knew better than to
follow. Willow was the one who talked to me; told me
more about Spike that I didn’t want to know. That
he’d had a chip inserted that didn’t allow him to hurt
people. That he’d alternately harried and helped
them. That without a soul, he’d become, if not a
member of Buffy’s inner circle, someone that Buffy
herself trusted. He was the first to find out she’d
been in heaven rather than hell.

And after that, Willow’s voice faltered and she looked
up at me with worried eyes, after that he and Buffy
started sleeping together. Willow hastened to assure
me, Buffy had been trying to find anything real to
keep her here and when she did, she broke it off with
Spike. She studied her hands when she told me he’d
tried to rape her but the next part effectively wiped
away my rage in my complete astonishment – that Spike
somehow had gotten a soul. That he’d done it for
Buffy. That Buffy had had Spike’s chip removed and
that she’d been the one to nurse him back to sanity.

My mind went blank at the idea of a vampire wanting to
get a soul, that Spike would even think to find a way
to get one. He tried to change himself for Buffy and
I walked away from her and never even thought about
looking for a way that she and I could be together.

Willow hadn’t finished yet. She went on, her voice
soft, her gaze turned away from me, so she wouldn’t
see the way her words flayed me as she said, “Buffy
never said she loved him, but….”

It seemed the blows would never stop coming that day.
We’d lost Cordelia, too. The demon was driven from
her; the demon that slowly overpowered her will, who
changed her from the Cordelia I’d learned to, dare I
say it, love, to the being that drove a wedge between
my son and me; nearly tearing my family and friends
apart. The being that fought against us at every
turn, that stabbed Lilah, that released Angelus, that
stole my soul, all harbored in Cordelia’s body. But
when Willow’s magic banished the demon, Cordelia
couldn’t face the things she’d done.

She’s like a child now. The doctors aren’t sure
she’ll ever regain her total memories and say that
it’s best that she stay in their care. Fred and Wes
found a beautiful place for her and they say she’s
doing well. She recognizes us most of the time but
only in a superficial way. Fred said, when I talked
to her on the phone the other night, that Cordelia had
asked about Xander and Willow but didn’t remember me.
Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe the memories she has
now are better than those she might’ve had to carry
with her. And even if I miss her, miss the woman
she’d become, I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t have
the better of the deal.

Because now I carry around Spike’s last words to me
and Buffy’s words as well; hear Willow’s explanations
like a loop in my head. And I’m trying to connect
with Connor because he’s not everything I have left
but sometimes it feels like he’s close to it.

So I write postcards to Buffy. I tell her about Faith
and Connor’s burgeoning relationship and how glad I am
that they have each other. I describe where we are,
what we’ve seen, what we’ve done. I don’t tell her I
miss her or that I love her, though I do and even if
we never see each other again, I always will.

She already knows.

* * * * *
I will try to put up some kind of fight
Against falling asleep before my time comes due.
I will call her name through the long empty night,
She will not die before she knows my love was true;
She will not die before she knows my love was true.





=====

"You have friends with a bond that grows stronger every day, while [Buffy]
watches her bonds of friendship fade more and more. You have a prophecy telling
of redemption and reward, while she has only the promise of a lifetime of
fighting...You are experiencing a new love where she has only found failure in
every relationship she attempts...And finally, you have a son, the one thing you
claimed was your motivation for leaving. To give her the opportunity to have a
family, but she's alone and look at you." Doyle, to Angel, "Dreams of Forever"
--Jossfan28


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